Grrr, why is this so complicated?

[Cassi]

I don't believe that terribly inflammatory.  I never said that older ladies don't get results from hormones or that they don't look feminine or that they couldn't pass or anything terribly negative.  Merely an observation of the averages.  There will always be statistical outliers too.

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Okay, we'll put the torches out

[Laurie]

I don't believe that terribly inflammatory.  I never said that older ladies don't get results from hormones or that they don't look feminine or that they couldn't pass or anything terribly negative.  Merely an observation of the averages.  here will always be statistical outliers too.

Just smack her Amber. I'll let you. I won't watch. (turning away)

[Roll]

Just smack her Amber. I'll let you. I won't watch. (turning away)

The only problem is I think she might like it.

[Cassi]

The only problem is I think she might like it.

Thanks a lot Ellie!
I had them right where I wanted them my pretty!

[HappyMoni]

Don't you touch my snow shovel torch. Don't worry Cassi, I'll still slap you.

[Cassi]

Don't you touch my snow shovel torch. Don't worry Cassi, I'll still slap you.

Promises, promises, promises.....

[amberwaves]

Yay for getting screwed over at work because nobody can communicate leaving it to superwoman over here to make sure everything gets done.  Not happy with my coworkers or this place right now.  I'm going to be pissed for a few hours at a minimum.  Really hoping it doesn't last all night.  It was nice to be in a decent mood the last two days.

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[amberwaves]

I think working the dayshift is really not good for my mental well being.  I have been a lot more stressed out and feel a lot more unappreciated.  Just grr.  Also, stupid boobs need to stop being so sore.  I had a lemon fall off the stack and hit one (seriously, like only a foot, tops), damn near floored me.  Hasn't been this bad since right near the beginning when they first started coming in.

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[Cassi]

I think working the dayshift is really not good for my mental well being.  I have been a lot more stressed out and feel a lot more unappreciated.  Just grr.  Also, stupid boobs need to stop being so sore.  I had a lemon fall off the stack and hit one (seriously, like only a foot, tops), damn near floored me.  Hasn't been this bad since right near the beginning when they first started coming in.

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You know what they say, A Lemon a day keeps the doctor away

[Jenntrans]

I think working the dayshift is really not good for my mental well being.  I have been a lot more stressed out and feel a lot more unappreciated.  Just grr.  Also, stupid boobs need to stop being so sore.  I had a lemon fall off the stack and hit one (seriously, like only a foot, tops), damn near floored me.  Hasn't been this bad since right near the beginning when they first started coming in.

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Day shifts suck. For the most part working odd hours keeps the big  honchos at bay. If I had the choice to work days or nights, I will always choose nights. Everyone has heard that song about the Freaks coming out at night. Personally I would rather deal with the freaks than the butt wipes that come out during the day time. Just sayin' because the freaks are cool the butt wipes are real butt holes. But who are the real "freaks"? A 911 call will bring cops if someone gets out of hand. Driving I chose to sleep during the day and run at night. 10 PM to 10 AM was good. I made my appointments early and when done go to the nearest Truck Stop and shut down for the day. When you own the truck you have the luxury to do that. I may have picked up a load at 2 PM but would not start the run until 10 PM at least. If a customer can't handle that then I didn't want the load. Now I own truck and hire drivers and I know how they want to work and I will back them to hell's end if need be. I do not want them running illegal but if they choose to then it is totally on them. Then again I don't want my drivers parking two days at Mustang Ranch or Winnemucca and not answering their phones. LOL go and have fun and pay the ladies and "ladies" or whatever else may float your boat. Just hold true to a commitment though.

But I don't think I have ever had a real 9 to five job though. I like dressing nice but hate "suits". but it ain't how you dress in some instances in those positions as much as how much butt you can kiss. So to me, those that prefer working without being noticed when al the bosses aren't there are the real people that want nothing other than to do a job efficiently without recognition from the upper echelon. to some that means a lot. I have a brand new Pete that I just picked up early this morning and 7 drivers want it. The one that will get it is the safest and has less tickets and or accidents. The one that will get that truck is the one that calls me and asks, "what up bitch" when he gets home and asks when I need home again. His old truck is showroom ready because he takes care of it. All I know is he calls into the company that I lease on with and they tell me. I never bought a truck with a bent bumper or steel bud wheels and I check my truck on their days off. So don't ever discount that job you do. People will notice. It ma take them a little longer to notice because of all the kiss asses in the midst but they will notice.

[amberwaves]

Update time again.  I have been surprisingly good the last week or so.  I can't really explain it, but there have been less stressors and I have been blessedly able to just shrug off most of the ones that occur.  I have a silly theory that it's because I dyed my hair red again and I am happier as a redhead.  As silly as it sounds there is some merit to the theory.  It's so bright and vibrant and just knowing it's there makes me happy.  My wife seems to really like it and has been paying a lot more attention to me since we dyed it.  I need an armor plate for my butt to protect it from being pinched.  I have been getting a lot of compliments on the hair and that always makes me happy too.

I had a pretty rough therapy session last week.  A lot of crying and emotional discomfort.  As I was driving home the song I was listening too had a line, "I never asked for this, no one ever asked for this, but they gave it to you so you might as well be proud of it.  It's not your fault.". I damn near had to pull over because that hit me HARD.  I am finally starting to come to grips with how much shame and blame I pile on to myself.  Hopefully, this marks a turning point on my road to wellness.

I also had my psychiatry appointment.  I had three options.  Increase the prozac dosage, try abilify, or try lamictal.  I opted to try abilify.  It has a more favorable side effect profile.  Lamictal seems to interact with Estrogens somehow and could screw with my levels, so I won't try that until after I've tried the other options.  It's only been a few days, so it is exceedingly unlikely it is responsible for the better mood lately.

I just want to reiterate how thankful I am to all of you fine people that have shared in my journey and offered support.  Someday I won't be feel ashamed at myself when I share things about myself.

Since I am sure people are curious about the hair I finally managed to snap a decent picture.  19 months in and holy crap.  For craps and giggles I posted it on the transpassing sub>-bleeped-< to try to get a non Susan's/neutral perspective and gotten some more validation from strangers, lol.



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[HappyMoni]

Wow Amber,
   I really like  that you had a good week. You look great in the picture too. You look so much younger there than your avatar pic. Very nice!
   The therapy session sounds very promising. It sounds like the song was very meaningful to you. Sometimes the truth comes at us from very unexpected places. It is easy to know logically that being trans is not something to feel shame about. Emotionally, it is not as easy and can take some time and introspection.
   In my opinion, I think you are being helped by just getting out there what you are feeling. It is good to see.
Moni

[amberwaves]

Wow Amber,
   I really like  that you had a good week. You look great in the picture too. You look so much younger there than your avatar pic. Very nice!
   The therapy session sounds very promising. It sounds like the song was very meaningful to you. Sometimes the truth comes at us from very unexpected places. It is easy to know logically that being trans is not something to feel shame about. Emotionally, it is not as easy and can take some time and introspection.
   In my opinion, I think you are being helped by just getting out there what you are feeling. It is good to see.
Moni

Thanks Moni.  I always seem to look my age in photos.  Irl I don't look my age at all.  I love to play the, "how old do you think I am" game.  I typically get between 28 and 30.  This isn't due to hrt or anything I've always looked younger.  I am a little sad that I don't get 23-26 anymore, but oh well.  I also typically associate with early to mid twenties people.  I'm quite immature (I mean that in a good way here) so I fit in well and typically surprise people when I say something that dates me.

Therapy has been a trial and I've been doing my best to subconsciously sabotage any progress.  That's partly why I appreciate my current therapist she constantly pushes me to evaluate how I am doing this.  You are making a few slightly incorrect assumptions however.  The guilt and shame I carry around are not very related to me being trans, not directly anyway.  There are a few indirect overlaps but that's mostly because my inability to achieve any measure of success at traditionally masculine activities.  This created just another easy avenue of attack to undermine myself self esteem and to taking on the blame for my perceived shortcomings.

I really didn't have much trouble accepting myself once I realized I was trans.  It would have been easier in many ways if I had known years ago.  It would have saved me many years of torturing myself over being so different and hating how I wasn't traditionally masculine.  It wouldn't have been all sunshine and roses though.  I would have been significantly more stymied by my family.  Also, I was way more impulsive back then and would probably jumped head first into transition and alienated everyone around me.

I am happier as a woman and much kinder.  Surprisingly, I am more attractive this way too.  I am far less ashamed of myself and my body.  As a guy I would always wear incredibly baggy stuff and be incredibly uncomfortable on the beach or partially disrobed, etc.  Now, I love skinny jeans and leggings.  I like what I see in the mirror.  I am not a ball of anger and frustration.  I am mostly cleaning up 30ish years of shattered life where I learned to blame myself for everything wrong and be angry about everything.  As I tell people for me being trans has been easy, but that's because the rest of my life has been so hard.  It must be some kind of weird karma.  Everything else sucked so your consolation prize is an easy transition.

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[Northern Star Girl]

@ Amberwaves:   Way to go girl, you look terrific in your last picture.  It's good to hear that you are progressing so well emotionally and physically.  Looking forward to your updates!!!

[amberwaves]

@ Amberwaves:   Way to go girl, you look terrific in your last picture.  It's good to hear that you are progressing so well emotionally and physically.  Looking forward to your updates!!!

Hi aspiringperson.  Thanks for the compliment and for reading and reaching out.  I see you are new and I'm sure a moderator will be around to greet you if they haven't already.  You totally need to post an introduction in the introduction forum.  Inquiring minds want to know more about you [emoji4]

Edit: I saw you hit 15 posts and put a photo up.  You look pretty terrific yourself [emoji4]

[GrayKat]

It always amazes me how many hoops need to be jumped through to transition. Particularly when most any other cosmetic procedure requires no pre psychiatric evaluation. It's like their attitude is, "Are you surrrrrrrrrrre you want this?"

[Northern Star Girl]

@ GrayKat:  In response to your statement:

""It always amazes me how many hoops need to be jumped through to transition.
Particularly when most any other cosmetic procedure requires no pre psychiatric evaluation.
It's like their attitude is, "Are you surrrrrrrrrrre you want this?""

In my opinion (and I am sure that you understand this)  I don't believe that HRT and transitioning is not just "any" cosmetic procedure. Obviously it is much, much more than that. 
There are some men and some women that seemingly want to swap genders on a whim or as a result of a fantasy of sorts without fully thinking it through.  A Psychiatric Evaluation is required because it is obviously important to determine "Are you surrrrrrrrre you want this?""   The hoops are there to primarily protect the patient from remorse, regret and possible transition reversal which can be a mine field of relationship and physical issues.   Fully reversing HRT and GRS is difficult and not all things can be reversed through stopping hormones or even surgery.... it would be very tough on one's body for sure.... and a transwoman would be permanently sterile among other things.

[amberwaves]

@ GrayKat:  In response to your statement:

""It always amazes me how many hoops need to be jumped through to transition.
Particularly when most any other cosmetic procedure requires no pre psychiatric evaluation.
It's like their attitude is, "Are you surrrrrrrrrrre you want this?""

In my opinion (and I am sure that you understand this)  I don't believe that HRT and transitioning is not just "any" cosmetic procedure. Obviously it is much, much more than that. 

It is left unclear exactly what is meant by GrayKat's statement.  I agree with you Aspiring that most of transition is not only cosmetic.  However, there are aspects that can be considered cosmetic despite the necessity for transwomen.  Breast augmentation is cosmetic, but also very useful to many psychologically.  Hair removal is cosmetic, but for many a necessity due to beard shadow.  I am not sure they were implying GCS was cosmetic.  There is clearly the case that it is a major medical procedure that involves completely changing the function of a part of anatomy.  Genital hair removal is not considered cosmetic, but medically necessary (though not all require it and some even advise against it) from a functional standpoint.  I severely doubt the comment was meant to include hrt as that is clearly medical.

To be honest most of the cosmetic procedures require very little hoop jumping.  They require money out of pocket instead.  The hoop jumping I'm going through (which isn't really that bad) is so that my insurance will pay for it.  My insurance will cover a very limited amount of cosmetic procedures, specifically breast augmentation.  I don't need it so I'm not getting it.  It does not cover facial hair electrolysis, but it does cover electrolysis of the vaginoplasty donor site.

I could be incorrect and they are indeed referring to GCS as cosmetic.  If that is the case then, wow, there is some gross misunderstanding of the nature of the procedure going on.  The psych evals are, imo, an integral part of the process.  It's major surgery that is irreversible.  I don't agree with needing psychological evaluation for hrt (informed consent model).  Many of the effects are somewhat reversible, though some would require surgery such as breasts.  Permanent sterility is a potential, but you don't need a psych eval for vasectomy or tubal ligation either.

Transition, as a whole, is not even remotely close to a cosmetic action.   Yes it does affect a person's appearance, but it is so much more than that.  I'm sure I could find an unscrupulous doctor somewhere to give me breast implants with no hrt or transition intent.  I could have hair removed for any reason if I pay up.  I could get cosmetic facial surgery, etc.  These procedures are part of transition for many, but are not transition in and of themselves.  It is so much more than that.  It involves becoming someone you always hid or wished you could be.  It aligns your physical body and hormonal profile with you mind.

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[Northern Star Girl]

@ amberwaves:  I like your well thought out reply above and agree with much of what you stated.  Thanks for clarifying your thoughts on some of the issues regarding transitioning, cosmetic procedures, surgery, HRT, etc.  We can agree to disagree on some of the points. Expressing our views in a respectful give and take is what friendly discussion and debate is all about. Thank you.

[amberwaves]

@ amberwaves:  I like your well thought out reply above and agree with much of what you stated.  Thanks for clarifying your thoughts on some of the issues regarding transitioning, cosmetic procedures, surgery, HRT, etc.  We can agree to disagree on some of the points. Expressing our views in a respectful give and take is what friendly discussion and debate is all about. Thank you.

I love debate!  Thats why I coached high school debate for 8 years and competed in college.  It's always nice when the discussion is civil.  I really wasn't doing much more than chiming in with my 2 cents about it.  I understand that there are a plethora of view points on the subject of transition.  For me, personally, a lot of this has been more optional than necessary.  Hrt is necessary, but I could live with my current genitalia.  It wouldn't be as full of a life, but it wouldn't be the end of the world.  Same with hair removal.  I dislike it, but it isn't causing extreme distress either.  For others I fully understand that these are necessities.  Same with augmentation and FFS.  I was lucky enough to not need it, nor feel extremely dysphoric because of the lack.

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