It's that time again... Updates! All good things must come to an end it seems. After 2 pleasant weeks of really good mood, today it crashes down. It's not super bad and hopefully doesn't last. Today is weird because my mood is just really unstable. Things are able to definitely trigger me today, but after a bit of distraction (work) I notice that I'm not too upset until I start thinking about things again. Is this how "normal"people operate? It's definitely not the norm for me. I'm wondering if the abilify is working in the background to minimize the severity of the down swings. It's been about two weeks so perhaps. However, back to back days off getting boned hard at work have not made me a very happy camper.
The grand experiment to see if E was sufficient to suppress my T has been a failure. Got my land back the other day and nope T was up to 300. This explains why my chest hair was growing back so fast and why I felt I was starting to stink after a few hours every day. Kind of sucks because I really didn't miss waking up to pee multiple times in the night. I see my endo next week so we will go over the results. I am going to ask again about injections. He doesn't care for them because it's hard to get stable levels, but even at a high dose of E it was only at 128pg/mL on pills.
I typically am very resistant to medications and it seems hormones are no different. That being said I have seen really good feminization on hrt so my receptors must be pretty good. I posted a few photos recently and holy crap, I LIKE how I look these days. It's still am incredible mind fudge to feel good about how I look after so many years of having my appearance. I never really knew why either. Since I've been feeling good about my looks been wearing more flattering clothing that shows off a tiny bit. It's such an odd experience to look down and see cleavage (this is partly because I bought bread that fit correctly). My brain goes, "holy crap when did that happen?".
I have been really sociable lately. I went ahead and reconnected with a few people on Facebook that I haven't talked to in a while. Apparently I look a lot happier these days, but given how I used to be, that's not surprising. Unfortunately, every body is really busy and my brain does still like to fall into the trap of thinking people must not want to talk to me.
One person, who I really only loosely know, kind of unsettled me a bit. I was busy with work so I couldn't respond much or often and I said as much and I'll talk to you later. They responded with something along the lines of, "why would you bother caring about another person's life, unless you are interested in them.". That kind of stings. I know that's just their depression speaking, but still. I made an effort to reach out, which is unusual in and of itself for me, why snap at me? It's been making me question if I am a selfish person and only talk to others when I have some ulterior motive. I know that rationally that's not the case, but I am prone to that kind of negative self doubt and it hit me on a day where I was already unsettled.
I talked to my brother in law yesterday. Haven't spoken to him in a while. Turns out they (well at least him anyway) are not upset with me. I was starting to wonder if I pissed them off.
Things are still weird with that friends I've been having so many issues with lately. She has been incredibly disinterested with me. I have only seen her a few times over the last few weeks. I wave hi and she wanted back, but I see the smile face before she even turns her head away. Last week I some with her briefly about something relatively unimportant. She tried, but failed, to hide this look of disgust. One of those "oh great, now I have to deal with her" looks. I truly have no idea what's going on. I've decided I'm not going to bother finding out either. It hurts, but for my own sanity I just have to let go. It's a shame because I really did value our friendship. Still it makes me feel crappy because i want able to be a good friend.
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