Today has been a weird day. I didn't get much good sleep so kind of tired. I was actually on time for a therapy appointment. That doesn't happen. I enjoy my therapy sessions but I am also beginning to dread them to a small degree.
We are working on dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) skills at the moment. Currently working on mindfulness. I know I need to learn and practice these skills, but I just don't want to. Rationally it's the right move and beneficial as all heck, but something inside me recoils in horror. I am visibly uncomfortable being put on the spot talking about this stuff. I can't seem to do any practice outside of session.
We worked through an exercise and I nearly started to panic about 2/3 of the way through. I felt like I was failing at it and my brain (and body) just ran with that. I don't like failing or even the remotest possibility of it. I have such impossibly high standards for myself that any failure is magnified to the point of me just feeling like a complete and general failure and a waste. This leads to the anger and shame cycle starting. Some days I wonder if I'll ever move past this. I honestly doubt my strength in this regard. Dealing with depression and sorrow, pile it on I'm effing Atlas, but to learn to accept myself and continue to expose myself to this discomfort? I am as weak as an infant.
It's not unusual to walk away from a session in a decidedly "off" mood. Examining this mood is tough because there is a lot going on. I've been fighting to keep it above neutral, but slowly losing that fight. I don't want to wallow in this or be miserable (for once). I want to talk to someone both for the distraction and to spew out my thoughts, but then I realize I have no friends. Everyone I could talk to is at work right now. Also, I don't feel like anyone actually wants to hear me whine, mope, and use them as a sounding board for my own thoughts. In reality, i want validation that any of this makes sense. I feel hollow right now as my sense of worth has been challenged. It's odd to realize how fragile I really am. Like Achilles, I am nigh impervious except for a fatal flaw.
Other stuff has happened and I would like to update, but can't muster the motivation at the moment.
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