Grrr, why is this so complicated?

[amberwaves]

               *Note:  end of Danielle saying something nice for now

Smart ass [emoji9]

[steph2.0]

If this were pokemon I would say that a wild lurker has appeared.  It's been speculated that people are silently reading along, but it does surprise me.  I must say this is the first time I've ever been called intimidatingly beautiful.  There are so many prettier girls on this site.  I'm mostly a nice person, and this goes out to all the other lurkers, please speak up.  The honest truth is I feel amazingly insecure about the fact that no one, sans Danielle and occasionally Ellie and Laurie, say anything.  It's yet another one of those things I am working on.

I find it particularly confusing that if many of our issues are similar, that you wouldn't reach out for some sense of solidarity.  I don't think my successes are particularly noteworthy.  I have been incredibly lucky and blessed in my transition, but I still deal with many of the same issues everyone else does.  I typically speak more about my life and emotional issues than anything else because they are typically the pressing issues at the time.  I have managed to clear most of the transition hurdles and an just kind of in a holding pattern until surgery.

Yes. This is almost exactly where I am now. I do most of my reaching out on my own thread, and I feel much as you do, like I'm yelling into a void with very few people listening. I have a few dear friends there who will comment, but generally my posts go unanswered, while I see some favorites here, typically the young, cuter ones, get all kinds of feedback. It's ok though. There are people reading. This thread has had over 8500 visits, and you have a reputation of +10 after only 610 posts! I only have a reputation of +11 after over 1800 posts (yeah, I whine a lot...). But I can see there are a lot of lurkers. I don't know why, but my thread has been visited over 35,000 times! (Whaaa??)

As for being beautiful, I am envious of your youth and fresh looks. After all, you're 23 years younger than I am. And we can all doll ourselves up and put on a false facade to impress, but it's telling when you're in casual mode, as in the picture with your hair down and your blingy shades, that you are impressively, unmistakably female. So don't sell yourself short! Those of us reaching our sixties can only sigh with the lost opportunities and be happy that those like you have a long wonderful life in front of you as we do the best we can with what we have.

It's going to take a good long while to process that I am intimidating for reasons I never suspected.  Thank you for chiming in and giving me something to think about.

I apologize again for not speaking up sooner. You're doing great!

Stephanie

[JudiBlueEyes]

Amber I understand your emotions now but realize life is full of ups and downs and you're stuck in the trough now.  This will pass as you very well know.  Keep your chin up and look at all you've accomplished. 

As for letting the thread go, I would advise against that.  First it can be cathartic to write about our lives and it provides a log so you can go back to see how you have survived through it all.  Second it shows others, particularly those at the beginning of their journey that its not all bad or good times but just like life in general. 

To quote your title, "Grrr, why is this so complicated?" I say that is the way of life.  The tougher the job the sweeter the success.  If it was easy we wouldn't need this forum or each other. 

It may be cliche, but this too will pass.  <<hugs>>

Judi

[amberwaves]

Yes. This is almost exactly where I am now. I do most of my reaching out on my own thread, and I feel much as you do, like I'm yelling into a void with very few people listening. I have a few dear friends there who will comment, but generally my posts go unanswered, while I see some favorites here, typically the young, cuter ones, get all kinds of feedback. It's ok though. There are people reading. This thread has had over 8500 visits, and you have a reputation of +10 after only 610 posts! I only have a reputation of +11 after over 1800 posts (yeah, I whine a lot...). But I can see there are a lot of lurkers. I don't know why, but my thread has been visited over 35,000 times! (Whaaa??)

As for being beautiful, I am envious of your youth and fresh looks. After all, you're 23 years younger than I am. And we can all doll ourselves up and put on a false facade to impress, but it's telling when you're in casual mode, as in the picture with your hair down and your blingy shades, that you are impressively, unmistakably female. So don't sell yourself short! Those of us reaching our sixties can only sigh with the lost opportunities and be happy that those like you have a long wonderful life in front of you as we do the best we can with what we have.

I apologize again for not speaking up sooner. You're doing great!

Stephanie

I will admit I haven't wandered over to your thread.  I typically all on mobile and it's such a hassle sometimes that I typically stick to just a few threads.  I'll have to wander over sometime in the near future.

I can see the problem for the older ladies.  I have always been lucky to look younger than my age anyway, but hrt knocked a few more years of the appearance.  I'm lucky and happy to be pretty, but it's not why I transitioned.  I had a gut feeling I would do alright for myself, but I certainly exceeded my high expectations.  A friend of mine saw a photo of me (as a guy) and both my sisters.  She told me I was the prettiest sister [emoji7]. It's certainly not my intention to make other people jealous of what I happened to be blessed with.  My heart certainly goes out to all of you ladies who waited and endured so long before finding some succor.

Perhaps if I wanted more views I should start racking up the suitors like Danielle.  I think my wife may not like that very much.  However, I do have one interested party at the moment [emoji6] but it is causing me no end of grief.

[ReplacementSarah]

I feel like this thread has become pointless.  It seems to be a series of I post complaining about being me, Danielle says something nice, a week passes, lather, rinse, repeat.  Maybe I should let this go defunct...

As another person who enjoys reading your thread, I wouldn't call it pointless. I'm introverted, so I don't always feel comfortable posting in people's personal threads, so I tend to just quietly read along. Maybe as my own transition moves along I'll discover my more sociable side. 

[amberwaves]

As another person who enjoys reading your thread, I wouldn't call it pointless. I'm introverted, so I don't always feel comfortable posting in people's personal threads, so I tend to just quietly read along. Maybe as my own transition moves along I'll discover my more sociable side. 

Aww, I hope you find your social side.  It took me almost a year of transition to start really being talkative.  I wouldn't be too worried about posting in people's little personal threads.  I'm sure everyone appreciates knowing their stories are interesting to people.

[amberwaves]

Amber I understand your emotions now but realize life is full of ups and downs and you're stuck in the trough now.  This will pass as you very well know.  Keep your chin up and look at all you've accomplished. 

As for letting the thread go, I would advise against that.  First it can be cathartic to write about our lives and it provides a log so you can go back to see how you have survived through it all.  Second it shows others, particularly those at the beginning of their journey that its not all bad or good times but just like life in general. 

To quote your title, "Grrr, why is this so complicated?" I say that is the way of life.  The tougher the job the sweeter the success.  If it was easy we wouldn't need this forum or each other. 

It may be cliche, but this too will pass.  <<hugs>>

Judi

Thank you Judi.  I know it's temporary.  I just hate feeling like that.  As my therapist would tell you I am one of the first ones to write off my successes and focus on my "perceived" failings.

[davina61]

Another lurker here, I wish I was half as good as you but I wont let anything stop me. Have a bit of patience and don't forget the middle finger. Post your "vents/troubles" it helps to get things out and then you see all the support you have .XXXXXX and hugs

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Amber.  I am another lurker.  There are at least 20 personal blog threads, and I try to keep up with most of them.  I can't always find them all, and I don't always have something interesting or helpful to say.  Some days, I just don't have time to comment on any of them.

I understand the feeling, though, because I'll post in mine and then wonder if anyone even noticed.  But I carry on because it helps me, and maybe it might help someone else, even if they don't comment.

I do see you as beautiful and awesome.  I am sad that you don't.

[Northern Star Girl]

Hi, Amber.  I am another lurker.  There are at least 20 personal blog threads, and I try to keep up with most of them.  I can't always find them all, and I don't always have something interesting or helpful to say.  Some days, I just don't have time to comment on any of them.

I understand the feeling, though, because I'll post in mine and then wonder if anyone even noticed.  But I carry on because it helps me, and maybe it might help someone else, even if they don't comment.

I do see you as beautiful and awesome.  I am sad that you don't.

@KathyLauren  ... you nailed it with that thought... when we write about the issues we have it usually helps us more than anyone else.   
Writing down your feelings, disappointments and frustrations (and your successes) is very good therapy.  I even go a step beyond and keep a personal pen and paper journal complete with my doodling and I write more personal things that usually are not shared on a blog for all to read.  It really helps me to process my thoughts, my feelings, and my possible solutions to my issues.  I suggest to most everyone I write to consider these things.   

I know, @amberwaves that you have heard this from me multiple times.

Thank you Kathy for posting your thoughts, and you are correct, Amber is indeed beautiful and awesome
Hugs,
Danielle

[amberwaves]

Last night was funny.  My friend was giving me lessons on how to pose to show off my assets, so to speak.  She was a bit drunk and I was a bit embarrassed.  The kids had a great time hanging out with her neice and younger sister.  Jonathan is a little charmer and even got her bother to pick him up for a picture.

[Chelsea]

Aww, I hope you find your social side.  It took me almost a year of transition to start really being talkative.  I wouldn't be too worried about posting in people's little personal threads.  I'm sure everyone appreciates knowing their stories are interesting to people.

Hi Amber, I just wanted to chime in and let you know I'm here too lurking. I always check out your thread it's just I really do not have any thing to comment sometimes. Mostly because I have only been on HRT for 2 months and have not yet been through the same things you girls have. I think you are beautiful and sweet, always have.

Hugs,
        Chelsea

[amberwaves]

Hi Amber, I just wanted to chime in and let you know I'm here too lurking. I always check out your thread it's just I really do not have any thing to comment sometimes. Mostly because I have only been on HRT for 2 months and have not yet been through the same things you girls have. I think you are beautiful and sweet, always have.

Hugs,
        Chelsea

Hi Chelsea, I read your thread too.  I think I did comment once. You are still in that exciting early stage of transition so it's natural to not feel like you have much to contribute.  However, most of my problems at just general life issues so feel free to opine.  Also, thank you for the compliment I do try to be sweet.  Sometimes I every succeed.

[Northern Star Girl]

Amber:   It sounds like you had a great time last night with your friend...  I wish that you would have taken some pictures of your poses that your friend was teaching you about.  Also it was good that you had a nice time with all of the kids too.  It is fun to have fun.

I will borrow the phrasing for the title of your thread....  Grrr, why is this so complicated?   ... 
My suitor #1 that planned a dinner date with me and then "had" to cancel.... well, he is missing in action....  I talked to him a few times but he never got back to me with a new time that we could go out.  hmmmmm.
... and, when I was getting my coffee and cookies this morning to take back to my office, the cup had a plain white lid on it....  hmmmmm (again)

Well, all of your thread's lurkers are making themselves known now....  I am happy for you.
Always continue to keep posting your updates...... 
I look forward to reading your thread every day if not more.
Hugs,
Danielle

[amberwaves]

Amber:   It sounds like you had a great time last night with your friend...  I wish that you would have taken some pictures of your poses that your friend was teaching you about.  Also it was good that you had a nice time with all of the kids too.  It is fun to have fun.

I will borrow the phrasing for the title of your thread....  Grrr, why is this so complicated?   ... 
My suitor #1 that planned a dinner date with me and then "had" to cancel.... well, he is missing in action....  I talked to him a few times but he never got back to me with a new time that we could go out.  hmmmmm.
... and, when I was getting my coffee and cookies this morning to take back to my office, the cup had a plain white lid on it....  hmmmmm (again)

Well, all of your thread's lurkers are making themselves known now....  I am happy for you.
Always continue to keep posting your updates...... 
I look forward to reading your thread every day if not more.
Hugs,
Danielle

I would be far too embarrassed for photos, some were quite provocative.

[Laurie]

Okay Amber,

  It been proven. Your thread has an audience even if you feel it doesn't serve a purpose. It does. It does for you and for the rest of us that are reading your words. You get to share your life with others like you. You are not alone. So you whine, complain and vent. You also share your good times too Hun. We all have our ups and downs Amber. Some of us have really low downs that seem impossible to climb back from.
  I was such a one just a few months ago. I didn't want to climb back from it. I just wanted the hurt to stop. If spring had come before my anti depressant started working , it would have stopped... permanently. Fortunately they did start working and that hurt has stopped for a completely unexpected reason. I met Michelle and now we are girlfriends and I have a reason to live again. Things change. Hope renews. Happiness replaces that abysmal pain.
  Your thread has echoed such ups and down, complete with self incrimination and self loathing. Our downs let others know you need help just as they have needed help. Your highs give your readers hope that they can also become happy. We share your joy and your sadness. Because we are you and you are us. We all go through these things. Some of us don't make it and others do but our posts are our windows that allow us to eavesdrop on life and share that person's life. It is how we ask for help and how we help others.
  Your thread and your life have purpose girl. Don't sell either short.

Hugs,
  Laurie

[amberwaves]

Okay Amber,

  It been proven. Your thread has an audience even if you feel it doesn't serve a purpose. It does. It does for you and for the rest of us that are reading your words. You get to share your life with others like you. You are not alone. So you whine, complain and vent. You also share your good times too Hun. We all have our ups and downs Amber. Some of us have really low downs that seem impossible to climb back from.
  I was such a one just a few months ago. I didn't want to climb back from it. I just wanted the hurt to stop. If spring had come before my anti depressant started working , it would have stopped... permanently. Fortunately they did start working and that hurt has stopped for a completely unexpected reason. I met Michelle and now we are girlfriends and I have a reason to live again. Things change. Hope renews. Happiness replaces that abysmal pain.
  Your thread has echoed such ups and down, complete with self incrimination and self loathing. Our downs let others know you need help just as they have needed help. Your highs give your readers hope that they can also become happy. We share your joy and your sadness. Because we are you and you are us. We all go through these things. Some of us don't make it and others do but our posts are our windows that allow us to eavesdrop on life and share that person's life. It is how we ask for help and how we help others.
  Your thread and your life have purpose girl. Don't sell either short.

Hugs,
  Laurie

Thanks Laurie.  I humbly accept your sage wisdom.

[amberwaves]

Well the last two weeks have been a whirlwind.  I've been hanging out with my friend, also named Amber, a lot.  I used to work with her and I thought she was really cool, but aside from hanging out on lunch it's not like we were closer.  A few weeks ago I ran into her and we made plans.  I'm glad I did she is so much more awesome than I initially thought.  Her family is pretty awesome too.  They really all seen to enjoy my wife and I coming over, we even brought the kids one day, I previously mentioned this.

Like everything else that situation is more complicated than it likely should be.  Amber had been giving of some very mixed signals towards me and my wife.  This sparked a necessary discussion about our relationship.  It seems we are now in a very limited sort of open marriage.  This is honestly a good thing.  It prevents me from screwing things up.  I guess I need to stop befriending young bisexual girls, because this crap seems to pop up far too often now days.  In an ironic way I find it hilarious because I was never this successful with ladies when I was a guy and these days I'm not even trying [emoji23].

Amber and her family find it really fascinating how open I am about my transition.  I really don't have any issues talking about it or answering questions.  I never really did,  as long as it's genuine curiosity rather than intended to be a dick.  Fwiw she just has such a hard time even  imagining me as a guy or anything other than a woman.  I admit I can understand how much of a mind eff it must be.  She agrees with me that life played a very cruel trick on my for the first 35 years of my life.  Hanging out with me has apparently sparked her curiosity about trans people a lot.  She has been watching a lot of trans YouTube vloggers to learn more.  I watched a few with her and was generally unimpressed.  A lot of them are very pretty, but just seen so vapid.  I joked that I should be one because I'm as pretty as most of them and can act like an air head of I want to.  She thought that was a great idea.  I was only joking, but it's not a terrible idea.  I think the world could use a more intellectual version of some of those videos.  Too bad I don't have the equipment or time. 

Today has been miserable at work.  I found it my coworker is not going to be making even more than me, I complained about this before.  We are implementing a new system in our department and it's terrible.  I need to get a real big girl job but seem so incapable of it.  I truly lack the self  confidence and gumption.  I have considered moonlighting as a server to bring in much needed extra cash, but I don't want to do for service again.  Every time I say "never again" life likes to remind me who is in charge and make me feel like crap about myself. Today I've been on the verge of tears like 6 times from stress.  Finding out about my coworker was just icing on the cake.  A lot of times I honestly wish I was an idiot and not talented.  I effing hate having to answer questions about why I work in a >-bleeped-< job when I'm so smart.  The world really needs to come to grips with the fact that smart does not equal successful.

I had my second session of genital electrolysis a few days ago.  It seems like she was able to get a lot more hairs this time because the swelling and scanning was significantly more.  I had a session for my face scheduled but I had to cancel it because I just flat out didn't have the cash to cover it.  I know I can get by without just shaving, best benefit of being blonde, but it feels like I'm just never going to be able to get it done.  Like everything else it just feels like I'm being stymied in my efforts.  I can't stand feeling like I'm banging my head against a wall.  I've been stomped on my continued efforts towards weight loss.  If I didn't have a medical reason I honestly would be okay with my weight.  I do think I look pretty good and it's still redistribution into a very favorable shape, but I NEED to lose these last 20 pounds. It's not about how I look or feel this time.

I want to say a big heartfelt thank you to all my lurkers who popped in to remind me that my experiences matter.  For quite a while I just felt like my stories and trails are just unimportant to others since they usually aren't transition related directly. I truly appreciate that so many of you bother to keep up with my doings.  I just wish the rest of my life could be as successful as my transition has been.  Honestly I've put forth so little effort towards becoming me, it all really seems like luck, that it is frustrating that things like career and stability and the like are so elusive for me. Life seems to keep promising me some measure of success in these areas only to instead give me a swift kick to the groin when my guard is down.  I'm not going to lie about it.  That aspect of my life just cuts me to the core.

[JudiBlueEyes]

Amber you wrote "For quite a while I just felt like my stories and trails are just unimportant to others since they usually aren't transition related directly. I truly appreciate that so many of you bother to keep up with my doings."

Your writing is not unimportant to us.  We are the sum of our life's actions and aspirations.  Transition is just one part.  I love reading about you as I can see you have a life well lived, complete with its ups and downs.  Just like the rest of us.  You're doing fine and for the most part having fun.  That is the spirit!
Judi

[Sno]

Hi hon.

I'm here, quietly reading along. My T has me doing self compassion work at the moment. She was shocked when she saw my 'inner critic' at work. Her comment was 'you, uh, really, uh don't like yourself at all'... and yet people tell me I'm amazing, helpful, friendly, talented and the list goes on. I just see Gollum.

Anyway, back to normal programming - you know I'll chime in if I've anything that may be helpful

(Hugs)


Rowan