Grrr, why is this so complicated?

[Allison S]

Wow I didn't know about your wife's surgery and recovery. I hope she gets better soon.
Also, it's easy to ignore any issues but I think you should talk with your wife.
Good luck and let us know how things are going when you can.
We're rooting for you!!

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk

[amberwaves]

Whelp and just like that my mood drops back to where it's been.  I seriously wonder why the hell I bother to care sometimes.

[Northern Star Girl]

Whelp and just like that my mood drops back to where it's been.  I seriously wonder why the hell I bother to care sometimes.

@amberwaves
Dear Amber...
10 days have gone by since your last post and update on your personal thread....
...your readers and followers are a curious bunch...
and we can get upset if we don't hear about what you are up to... plus we get worried and concerned.

I saw your "selfie in the rain" picture that you posted on the "The Official You Look Fabulous Darling 9.0" thread today...  I was glad to see that my favorite redhead is looking very nice.

I trust that things are going OK in your world.   If they are we will rejoice with you, and if not we want the opportunity to be able to support you and show you some love.

Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

[amberwaves]

Update time.  Now you can quit freaking out Danielle [emoji6].  Things have been mostly good lately.  I'm still far too busy to keep up with much.  Working full-time and part-time with general household responsibilities and childcare to deal with leaves me with very little time to spend on things like Susan's, or sleep for that matter.

I've managed to with things out with Amber 2 and I think we are on the same page with things.  Definitely had a few hiccups along the way and at least one very uncomfortable conversation, but everything is copacetic.

My wife is healing up fine. She had her first shift back at work yesterday.  She is still on a strict weight restriction so dealing with the toddler is challenging.  Aside from when he is tired and cranky he had been incredibly good about it all.

I've been plugging away at getting my house cleaned and in order.  I managed to clean and rearrange my bedroom.  The living room and kitchen remain a mess.  I'll get there.  For now they remain functional, but cluttered.

Since it's been two years transitioning now, I've had to reflect on a lot of it.  I have been insanely blessed to pass very well.  I also got lucky enough to be cute on top of that.  This is good because it matches well with my personality since I am kind of cutesy and sweet by nature.  I noticed between year one and two that there have been tons of changes.  I've settled very much into who I was always meant to be.  I went from passable to unquestioningly feminine.  I had significant muddle atrophy between year 1 and 2.  Sh said an be done it's been great for me.  I'm definitely starting to get over the decades of negative self image and see a more realistic picture of what others see.

I have my surgery consult in 2 weeks.  Holy crap.  I remember booking it way back in September.  I'll finally be able to put some sort of timeline together.  I'm looking forward to it.  Hair removal of the sure is going swimmingly.  I should be completely done after my next 2 sessions.  Thank goodness.  That makes for such a long and uncomfortable day.

I'm still considering doing a few YouTube videos about everything.  The problem really is finding the time.  I think it would be enlightening to many.the one definitely is

So as if I didn't have enough drama, of the minor sort, I continue to give Danielle a run for her money as I now have 2 gentlemen who are very interested in me.  I'm not really doing anything to egg them on, but the one is seriously interested.  Who knew I would ever have all these issues to deal with.  Especially being married lol.  I don't plan on doing anything, but the attention is quite flattering.

If I could ever find a time where I don't have massive bags in her my eyes I will post a photo.

[Northern Star Girl]

@amberwaves
Dear Amber:   
What? ... me freaking out because you are not updating your thread as much as I would like to see???

It is good to hear that the problems and issues that life is throwing at you during your HRT journey that you are able to get your head around it and deal with it... and you can still stay upbeat and positive as much as you can!!!

I am glad to hear that your wife is on the mend and is able to go back to work...  you have been very thoughtful and doing what you have had to do while your wife was recovering from surgery...  with taking care of household duties and taking care of your kid, etc.   I am certain that she appreciates that of you.

Yes, I agree with you, and it was my experience also that during the 2nd year of HRT that a lot of big changes happened with a lot of good refinements in feminine body changes.....   my 3rd year I completed back in March this year and the refinements kept coming during the 3rd year as well... and after that it can only get better! 

So hang on Amber.... I am sure that .you will be pleased with your next year as well.   Oh, and that is great news about your appointment coming up for your surgery consultation....   and more good news that you reported about getting near the end of your sometimes uncomfortable hair removal sessions.   
In the end, all of this pain, discomfort, frustrations disappointments that all of us encounter in our own journeys will pass and you will be glad that you had the determination to stick with it, it will be worth it all when you can finally look back at it.

Wow-wee.... you have 2 male suitors... that is certainly a good feeling for them to flirt with you....BUT...  well, I don't have to remind you that I think that you need to handle this carefully...  we both know very well how men can be when they are in pursuit....   coming from you, .any kind of reply, any kind of comment.... anything at all, they will consider it a green light to continue their pursuit and if you are not careful it can turn into hurt feelings, anger, stalking, etc.   
When I was on online dating sites, which I am no longer, I would get unsavory messages from guys and I would send a nice "no, not interested message" and that seemed to add fuel to their fire and they even considered that kind of reply a green light, and then I would start getting nasty messages like WHY don't I want to see them or WHY are you ignoring me....  and some of those unwanted messages got really nasty, insulting and felt very creepy and scary.... 
.... so again, ignore and don't reply is the best move, especially for you I would think... you are married and have a family.   If the suitors are in real life, and not just online that really increases the possible bad situations for you.
Please be safe and be very careful.... you don't want to do anything that would jeopardize your family situation.
    YES, it is flattering, enjoy that moment but know when to cut it off.

All of that is just my unsolicited and probably unwanted opinion.... that is all it is.  Advice is only worth what you paid for it... as the old saying goes.

Again Amber........ thank you for bringing me and the rest of your regular readers and followers up to date.
Hugs,
Danielle

[Sonja]

I also got lucky enough to be cute on top of that.  This is good because it matches well with my personality since I am kind of cutesy and sweet by nature.

@amberwaves 
Excellent Amber!! I had you pegged for sweet and cute - so you're definitively looking the part!

A womans work is never done,  but you have and are, achieving so much!!

Sonja.

[amberwaves]

Excellent Amber!! I had you pegged for sweet and cute - so you're definitively looking the part!

Sonja.

It's just funny too me sometimes to be that way because I used to be such a jerk all the time.

[Northern Star Girl]

It's just funny too me sometimes to be that way because I used to be such a jerk all the time.

@amberwaves
Dear Amber: 
That is very difficult for me to believe....
I have been closely following your thread since early February and you have never presented yourself as a jerk.... 
You are one of my favorites here on the Forums that I always look forward to reading and catching up on your thread.

Keep the updates coming!!!
Hugs,
Danielle

[amberwaves]

@amberwaves
Dear Amber: 
That is very difficult for me to believe....
I have been closely following your thread since early February and you have never presented yourself as a jerk.... 
You are one of my favorites here on the Forums that I always look forward to reading and catching up on your thread.

Keep the updates coming!!!
Hugs,
Danielle

I was mostly referring to me prior to transition.

[HappyMoni]

Sorry Amber, I haven't posted here in a while. It makes me feel good that things are coming together so well for you. It is nice to hear you describe a more peaceful mindset for you and your life. I know things have been very difficult for you in the past, but we only have to live our days from here forward, and not the ones already in the books. Hugs to you nice lady!
Moni

[amberwaves]

Sorry Amber, I haven't posted here in a while. It makes me feel good that things are coming together so well for you. It is nice to hear you describe a more peaceful mindset for you and your life. I know things have been very difficult for you in the past, but we only have to live our days from here forward, and not the ones already in the books. Hugs to you nice lady!
Moni

Oh my goodness, you still are alive and kicking!  Yes things have been better overall.  Still have some downers, but I feel I'm getting slightly better at managing them.  Thanks for popping in.  I've missed your sage wisdom.

[HappyMoni]

Oh my goodness, you still are alive and kicking!  Yes things have been better overall.  Still have some downers, but I feel I'm getting slightly better at managing them.  Thanks for popping in.  I've missed your sage wisdom.

If you don't mind, I'll focus on the 'sage wisdom' thingy not the 'Oh, you are still alive part.' lol Now remember, I'm only 3 years old in 'trans years.'

[amberwaves]

If you don't mind, I'll focus on the 'sage wisdom' thingy not the 'Oh, you are still alive part.' lol Now remember, I'm only 3 years old in 'trans years.'

The alive and kicking was more in reference to you not commenting on my thread in ages, rather than a remarkable about age, but if you want to go there, I guess we can.  I'm only 2 in trans years so your still 50% oldaer and wiser than I [emoji23]

[HappyMoni]

The alive and kicking was more in reference to you not commenting on my thread in ages, rather than a remarkable about age, but if you want to go there, I guess we can.  I'm only 2 in trans years so your still 50% oldaer and wiser than I [emoji23]

I am going to respond to your comment like any other mature 3 year old and say, "Oh yeah!"     

[amberwaves]

Everyone's favorite time again, updates!  Despite some set backs I have managed to avoid slipping into a depression.  The financial situation is worse than ever and we are in serious danger of losing the house.  Like seriously, serious danger.  Time for me to try to work some magic and see if I can pull through one more time.  It's entirely possible we will have to file for bankruptcy.  My wife's income had been cut too badly for almost 9 months and we just kept slipping farther and farther.  For those who haven't been poor, I don't recommend it.  Unfortunately, it is far too common in the post modern economy.  My side income stream is helping but it's far too little much too late.

It's unclear yet but I may have to choose between our house and surgery.  I know which choice it would have to be but that doesn't mean I have to like it.  I don't typically discuss the details of our finances, so much as to say it's lean, but I feel like it's important to state why since I've put so much time towards getting surgery.

Speaking of surgery, I finally had my consult with Dr McGinn.  That went well.  I can't do anything until I drop these last 20 pounds to get under the BMI requirement.  Once I do I could be set to have surgery within weeks if I so desired.  Everything looks good and there is plenty of material to work with.  I have my letters and I'm most of the way done with clearing the hair from the area. So I'm ahead of the curve.

I reinstated my gym membership and plan to go everyday on my way home from work.  I need to knuckle down and fix my eating habits too.  I've definitely noticed I tend to over indulge once my Adderall wears off.  So a few changes and I should be gtg.  I don't imagine it will take super long to drop the weight.  Just need some willpower and avoiding my crutch of emotional eating.

The financial aspect of surgery is questionable.  Medical Assistance will cover it, but I will still need the money up front.  No clue how I'm going to do that, but I'll think of something.  I'm going to get a YouTube channel up and running to talk about gender issues and the experiences I've had with transition.  That will help to document things and to provide a very slight bit of ad revenue.  I'm not above doing a GoFundMe campaign as it gets closer, though I have little faith I would be able to raise much.

I'm stuck in a bit of a hard place.  I could get a job that uses my degree and pays well, but I would lose my insurance and there is very little guarantee my surgery would be covered, or I could stay the course and cut all but the most pressing expenses (almost there anyway) and try to ride the current plan out.  Sadly, in either case it looks like things will get delayed.

I already have very little free time.  I work 40 hours a week plus at least an hour of travel time per day.  My side gig is taking 3 hours per night on average.  Unfortunately, I am stuck doing the cooking and the vast majority of the cleaning.  Now I need to add in gym time, up food prep time for health reasons, get YouTube up and running, finish remodeling a bedroom so we can rent it out to Amber #2 (she is going to move in btw, seriously she is like family now), it's summer so I still have yardwork to maintain, do pretty much all the grocery shopping, and hopefully have some time for the kids.  It's a mess.

Speaking of my wife we had a long talk the other day.  She finally opened up to me a bit about some things.  I wish I could light a fire under her butt to help out more at home, but things are moving in the right direction.  We discussed the open marriage thing and came to a better understanding.  I have a male suitor who has been incredibly interested in occasionally spending some time together.  He knows I'm married and isn't looking to change either of our situations.  It's unclear if anything will happen yet, but it's a possibility.

On a lighter note I ran into Maybebaby and Rachel at papillon yesterday.  Lucky for me Terri was nice enough to wear the exact same dress she has on in her avatar photo to make it easier for me to identify her.  We chatted for a bit and both seem like very nice ladies.  So I guess there was at least one positive of being stuck waiting forever to see the Dr.  I get to make the onerous drive back down there Friday for another electrolysis session.  I enjoy chatting with Ramona, but I could certainly do without the bruising and swelling of my sensitive area that follows.

Another side note, my boobs reminded me this week that they are not done growing yet.  They turned back into cones on me and definitely have a lump underneath.  I'm not complaining, just pleasantly surprised.  Just putting that out there for all of you ladies.  Two years in and it still happens.

I won't have a whole lot of time to be checking the forums but I'll be around some.  Tata ladies.

Amber

[HappyMoni]

Amber,
   Wow it does sound crazy. Glad you are staying away from depression. You sound very positive despite the difficult circumstances. Maybe Amber 2 might help with the finances if she pays some rent.
   It's funny you saw Terri and Rachel there. Terri stopped by my house for a nice visit on the way up there.
   Keep your chin up and check in when you can.
Moni

[amberwaves]

Amber,
   Wow it does sound crazy. Glad you are staying away from depression. You sound very positive despite the difficult circumstances.

30+ years of repressing everything helps.  It's not easy and I may still lose the fight, but at least I'm trying.

[Allison S]

Wow Amber, you're a busy gal. I think talking with your wife is good... Major points for that. So the other Amber moved in with you?
Do you have insurance to cover your srs? Maybe you can get both house and a vagina [emoji4]

Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk

[amberwaves]

Wow Amber, you're a busy gal. I think talking with your wife is good... Major points for that. So the other Amber moved in with you?
Do you have insurance to cover your srs? Maybe you can get both house and a vagina [emoji4]

Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk

Well I just spoke with the insurance company today and got someone who knows what they are talking about.  Turns out that no they will only cover gcs if I go to Rumer.  So let's just add that to the pile of things that are not going to happen any time soon.

[amberwaves]

Well depression is going to win for a while.  So is anger.  Time for my own safety to shut off emotions for a while until I fix things or they irreparable fall apart.  I'll either be back triumphant or in tears.  Ciao for now.