Grrr, why is this so complicated?

[amberwaves]

So the other Amber moved in with you?

I missed this part earlier.  No she hasn't moved in yet.  We discussed it and she is going to eventually, but I have to finish remodeling one of the rooms first.

[Allison S]

[emoji45] Ok Amber. I'm sad to hear you're feeling depressed. That's been my general mood.. but I hope you snap out of it soon. We can't both be so negative when I'm the baby trans early in transition... But you know I look up to your honesty at every step of the way in your transition and life. How do we even get along? Lol

Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk

[amberwaves]

[emoji45] Ok Amber. I'm sad to hear you're feeling depressed. That's been my general mood.. but I hope you snap out of it soon. We can't both be so negative when I'm the baby trans early in transition... But you know I look up to your honesty at every step of the way in your transition and life. How do we even get along? Lol

Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk

Even role models get drepressed sometimes girl [emoji6].  I'll pull through.  Right now just trying to refocus on the solutions rather than the problems.  Like I said b4 I'll either emerge triumphant or a complete train-wreck. I feel the smart money is on triumphant.  It takes a lot to keep this girl down for long.

[Northern Star Girl]

Even role models get drepressed sometimes girl [emoji6].  I'll pull through. Right now just trying to refocus on the solutions rather than the problems.  Like I said b4 I'll either emerge triumphant or a complete train-wreck. I feel the smart money is on triumphant.  It takes a lot to keep this girl down for long.

@amberwaves
My dear Amber:
I am so glad to see your recent postings on your thread.  I always am concerned when I see that you go silent for a time without posting updates. 

I am seeing that there is a lot of good news and some not so good news in your longish update that you posted two days ago on August 07  ....
....that is the way that life is, we have to take the bad with the good sometimes....
             ...and deal with it... just like you stated...
    Right now just trying to refocus on the solutions rather than the problems.

I am so glad to see that you have maintained your upbeat, can-do, positive attitude about how to deal with life's trials and tribulations... good times and bad times, etc. 
hmmm, sounds a lot like what goes on in my  "Positive Mindset... put away negativity" thread.

Thank you for keeping your thread alive and well...
Your readers and followers are a curious bunch, and we want to follow you life's endeavors that you care to share with us.

Hugs and hugs,
Danielle

[Northern Star Girl]

Even role models get drepressed sometimes girl [emoji6].  I'll pull through.  Right now just trying to refocus on the solutions rather than the problems.  Like I said b4 I'll either emerge triumphant or a complete train-wreck. I feel the smart money is on triumphant.  It takes a lot to keep this girl down for long.

@amberwaves
Dear Amber....
Good day to you my red-headed forums friend.   
I trust that you are triumphant today....

I will be looking forward to your next update on your thread.

Hugs and well wishes as always,
Danielle

[amberwaves]

Time for an opinion that's going to make me unpopular.  So many transwomen are way too stuck in the mindset that their feminization is progressing too slow and that because they aren't a teenager that it's going to be ineffective, or that it'll never happen, or that there are definitive windows where effects happen.  While it may be the tend is that trans women don't feminize as much as natal females (citation needed) and that certain effects tend to happen within certain timeframes.  This is really beside the point.

I understand the strong desire to become some routine of feminine for many, but really this is not that far from how natal women view themselves.  Everyone wants something different about themselves.  Work on being you and try not to sweat the stuff you have next to no control over.  So much of the physical is defined by poorly understood genetics and it mostly seems like luck.  Work on being there most awesome you that you can.  Why break or of some gender based box just too yourself into some "ideal" box.  Be you and screw what others think.  Women come in all shapes and sizes and some are pretty and some are ugly.  Some are masculine and have masculine hobbies and that's okay.  I know we are insecure about everything that could possibly be seen as masculine, but seriously so many people deny their own happiness trying to be something that's not them.

Before any hate comes my way.  I realize that it's pretty easy to feel the way I do when you pass.  I realize it's easy to say this when you got lucky and are pretty.  However, for what it's worth, I never tried to be something I'm not during my transition.  Yes I have things I wish were different about my body and personality.  The goal for me was to just figure it and be who and what I like.  I got insanely lucky in my transition.  This fact does not mean my opinion is invalid.  It's easy to lose yourself trying to fit some ideal rather than dealing with what is.  Seriously, some women need to just grow up.

[JudiBlueEyes]

Amber, no apologies needed.  You say "but seriously so many people deny their own happiness trying to be something that's not them."  I agree wholeheartedly.  Be you!

Judi

[Northern Star Girl]

Time for an opinion that's going to make me unpopular.  So many transwomen are way too stuck in the mindset that their feminization is progressing too slow and that because they aren't a teenager that it's going to be ineffective, or that it'll never happen, or that there are definitive windows where effects happen.  While it may be the tend is that trans women don't feminize as much as natal females (citation needed) and that certain effects tend to happen within certain timeframes.  This is really beside the point.

I understand the strong desire to become some routine of feminine for many, but really this is not that far from how natal women view themselves.  Everyone wants something different about themselves.  Work on being you and try not to sweat the stuff you have next to no control over.  So much of the physical is defined by poorly understood genetics and it mostly seems like luck.  Work on being there most awesome you that you can.  Why break or of some gender based box just too yourself into some "ideal" box.  Be you and screw what others think.  Women come in all shapes and sizes and some are pretty and some are ugly.  Some are masculine and have masculine hobbies and that's okay.  I know we are insecure about everything that could possibly be seen as masculine, but seriously so many people deny their own happiness trying to be something that's not them.

Before any hate comes my way.  I realize that it's pretty easy to feel the way I do when you pass.  I realize it's easy to say this when you got lucky and are pretty.  However, for what it's worth, I never tried to be something I'm not during my transition.  Yes I have things I wish were different about my body and personality.  The goal for me was to just figure it and be who and what I like.  I got insanely lucky in my transition.  This fact does not mean my opinion is invalid.  It's easy to lose yourself trying to fit some ideal rather than dealing with what is.  Seriously, some women need to just grow up.

@amberwaves
Dear Amber:
Wow, what you posted is a wonderful reminder for all transitioners that we are all different and that we need to embrace our own bodies and minds as they are and what they are becoming.  Our experiences will be unique especially in our transition journey and we reach for our goals.   

I most certainly endorse and commend your posting so much that I made a point of quoting it on my reply comment here so it would not be easily missed.

Thank you for posting your very applicable and helpful thoughts.
Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

[davina61]

I totally agree , that my philosophy just plod on and do the best I can and not have high expectations . Its a bonus when the good stuff happens 

[KathyLauren]

The goal for me was to just figure it and be who and what I like.  I got insanely lucky in my transition.

Amber, I could have written those words, and now I wish I had.

I am all about being real, and I love it that I finally have that chance.  I will never be pretty, but I look okay, and that is fine with me.  I knew going in that, thanks to my mother's genes, I would most likely never get beyond an A cup.  I am an A now and still growing slowly, so no complaints there.  (Doesn't mean I can't grumble, but I'm not too serious about it.)  I don't generally 'out' myself (except when I do), but I don't try to be stealth either.  If someone figures it out, that is fine, and, unless they cause me problems, it is none of my business.

This:

Work on being the most awesome you that you can.

[Northern Star Girl]

Amber, I could have written those words, and now I wish I had.

I am all about being real, and I love it that I finally have that chance.  I will never be pretty, but I look okay, and that is fine with me.  I knew going in that, thanks to my mother's genes, I would most likely never get beyond an A cup.  I am an A now and still growing slowly, so no complaints there.  (Doesn't mean I can't grumble, but I'm not too serious about it.)  I don't generally 'out' myself (except when I do), but I don't try to be stealth either.  If someone figures it out, that is fine, and, unless they cause me problems, it is none of my business.

Snipped:

- - - - - -
.  Work on being there most awesome you that you can. 
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
The goal for me was to just figure it and be who and what I like.  I got insanely lucky in my transition. 

@KathyLauren   @amberwaves
Dear Kathy... and  Amber:

EXCELLENT points that both you girls made....   
....thank you for sharing this bit of "life wisdom."

Hugs,
Danielle

[Allison S]

[emoji23] you're right girl. We kinda had this convo yestersday actually [emoji6]
I really do understand when others complain and feel inscure. It's such a sad and lonely feeling.
I hope others are able to grow out of that and be comfortable with who they are... Sadly I'm still not one of those people [emoji20]

Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk

[amberwaves]

[emoji23] you're right girl. We kinda had this convo yestersday actually [emoji6]
I really do understand when others complain and feel inscure. It's such a sad and lonely feeling.
I hope others are able to grow out of that and be comfortable with who they are... Sadly I'm still not one of those people [emoji20]

Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk

Well I had a very similar conversation about 4 different times over the past week.  So I just wanted to speak my mind about it.

[Allison S]

Well I had a very similar conversation about 4 different times over the past week.  So I just wanted to speak my mind about it.

I understand and it's okay. Thank you for always listening to me so graciously [emoji173]

Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk

[TonyaW]

Time for an opinion that's going to make me unpopular.  So many transwomen are way too stuck in the mindset that their feminization is progressing too slow and that because they aren't a teenager that it's going to be ineffective, or that it'll never happen, or that there are definitive windows where effects happen.  While it may be the tend is that trans women don't feminize as much as natal females (citation needed) and that certain effects tend to happen within certain timeframes.  This is really beside the point.

I understand the strong desire to become some routine of feminine for many, but really this is not that far from how natal women view themselves.  Everyone wants something different about themselves.  Work on being you and try not to sweat the stuff you have next to no control over.  So much of the physical is defined by poorly understood genetics and it mostly seems like luck.  Work on being there most awesome you that you can.  Why break or of some gender based box just too yourself into some "ideal" box.  Be you and screw what others think.  Women come in all shapes and sizes and some are pretty and some are ugly.  Some are masculine and have masculine hobbies and that's okay.  I know we are insecure about everything that could possibly be seen as masculine, but seriously so many people deny their own happiness trying to be something that's not them.

Before any hate comes my way.  I realize that it's pretty easy to feel the way I do when you pass.  I realize it's easy to say this when you got lucky and are pretty.  However, for what it's worth, I never tried to be something I'm not during my transition.  Yes I have things I wish were different about my body and personality.  The goal for me was to just figure it and be who and what I like.  I got insanely lucky in my transition.  This fact does not mean my opinion is invalid.  It's easy to lose yourself trying to fit some ideal rather than dealing with what is.  Seriously, some women need to just grow up.

I hope it doesn't make you unpopular,  because I think you're right. Might be something that some people don't want to hear though.

Personally,  I realize all this intellectually, but that doesn't stop me from emotionally wanting it all to happen yesterday.  Usually I can keep that in balance but once in awhile for unknown reasons it will throw me into a funk that lasts longer than it should and I can go all whiny bitch about it.

I've been lucky in the social transition part (no job issues, no friend loss yet,  family supportive) so it's easy for me to focus on the things that could be better. Those are mostly the physical changes and being taller than 99% of cis women at 6'2" can make me impatient with the pace of change.  I'm 18 months on HRT and  about a year full time. When I can emotionally step back, I'm ok with my progress even though I wish it were better.

It did get me thinking about a golf mindset.
You need to believe that you will hit every shot as good as you can while realizing at the same time you won't and then not beating yourself up over it.  The last bit about not beating yourself up over not being perfect is the hard part in the mental part of golf and the part I find similar to transitioning. I'm not always the best at that either place.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk

[amberwaves]

It's been a very trying few days.  I just can't force myself to apply to jobs and I pretty much assume I'm going to fail.  I had therapy yesterday and got to spend a lot of time talking through some of this.  Honestly, I've lost faith in myself.  I really lost it yesterday ago.  I just can't visualize what a successful me looks like.  I mean this quite literally.  I try to, but it's just not there.  Everyone else can see it.  Rationally I can see all the reasons I should be.  I just keep sabotaging myself so I won't be.  It's like deep down I feel like I deserve to be a failure.  I'm well aware of how unhealthy that is.  I'm not looking for others to chime in with positivity. mostly I'm just sharing.  I don't know what it was in my past that broke me.  I wish I could just point to some memory and go aha!  Instead I just get to feel am empty pit.  I'm really good at making others believe that I'm capable and confident.  I was asked how I'm stronger now than I was as my old self, but I honestly can't answer it.  I don't believe I am.  I lost the ability to shut everything off and just march forward.  I feel now and I don't really know how to be strong.  I'm 37 now and I feel like a scared 7 year old.  I managed to not cry during therapy.  I went home and had a pity party/crying spree.  This in and of itself is surprising.  I almost never cry over myself.  I just can't seem to get past how monumentally broken I am.  When I'm like this it taints every interaction with others.  I can't help but feel apathy or dejected by everything anyone says or does. I don't know how long this particular mood will last, but needless to say I'm not enjoying it.

[Maybebaby56]

It's been a very trying few days.  I just can't force myself to apply to jobs and I pretty much assume I'm going to fail.  I had therapy yesterday and got to spend a lot of time talking through some of this.  Honestly, I've lost faith in myself.  I really lost it yesterday ago.  I just can't visualize what a successful me looks like.  I mean this quite literally.  I try to, but it's just not there.  Everyone else can see it.  Rationally I can see all the reasons I should be.  I just keep sabotaging myself so I won't be.  It's like deep down I feel like I deserve to be a failure.  I'm well aware of how unhealthy that is.  I'm not looking for others to chime in with positivity. mostly I'm just sharing.  I don't know what it was in my past that broke me.  I wish I could just point to some memory and go aha!  Instead I just get to feel am empty pit.  I'm really good at making others believe that I'm capable and confident.  I was asked how I'm stronger now than I was as my old self, but I honestly can't answer it.  I don't believe I am.  I lost the ability to shut everything off and just march forward.  I feel now and I don't really know how to be strong.  I'm 37 now and I feel like a scared 7 year old.  I managed to not cry during therapy.  I went home and had a pity party/crying spree.  This in and of itself is surprising.  I almost never cry over myself.  I just can't seem to get past how monumentally broken I am.  When I'm like this it taints every interaction with others.  I can't help but feel apathy or dejected by everything anyone says or does. I don't know how long this particular mood will last, but needless to say I'm not enjoying it.

Hi Amber,

I don't know if it matters, but I can relate to much, if not most, of what you are saying.

I just can't force myself to apply to jobs and I pretty much assume I'm going to fail.

I hear you. I'm not job-hunting, but I have been passed over twice for promotion in the last three years.  There is one high-grade slot left in my branch. I find myself already planning on what to do when I am passed over again.  Not a great attitude.

I'm really good at making others believe that I'm capable and confident.
It's like deep down I feel like I deserve to be a failure.

I am capable and quite competent at my job, and I have the publications and credentials to prove it, but I always expect failure, and, yes, I feel like I deserve to fail.  It's irrational and it is incredibly self-defeating. And I know this.  And I still indulge in it. And it's not just about employment. It spills over into my personal life as well.

I have gotten so far with my transition. Way beyond anything I thought possible. I am a passable post-op transsexual at age 61.  Do I congratulate myself? Do I recognize how incredibly fortunate I am?  Do I feel grateful?  No, no, and no.

I dwell in my lack of satisfaction with SRS, and how I can't function like a normal female, how I'll never have a  boyfriend, how I didn't transition when I was younger, etc., etc.  I am incredibly skilled in finding the dark cloud in any silver lining.

I was asked how I'm stronger now than I was as my old self, but I honestly can't answer it.  I don't believe I am.

I pulled out this sentence because it's one thing I can point to, with empirical evidence, and say "Yes, I am much stronger than I ever believed I was, because I managed to transition, which is the  scariest thing I have ever done in my life!"

So why don't I feel like it? Why can't I acknowledge that I am a capable and brave person who deserve some kudos, if only from myself, on what I have accomplished?  I don't know, but I ought to try it sometime.

I don't really know how to be strong.

Ah, but you do. I've met you in person at Dr. McGinn's office. There was nothing small or weak about you. But I totally get what you are saying and what you're feeling. I don't give myself credit, either, but look how far we have come!  Just look in the damn mirror, girlfriend! 

I don't know how long this particular mood will last, but needless to say I'm not enjoying it.

No, I'm sure you're not.  But you have scaled a mountain, the biggest obstacle you have probably ever faced in your life, and you are tired.  Give yourself permission to wallow for a bit. Then gather yourself up, and continue to find your destiny.

With kindness,

Terri

[amberwaves]

I haven't updated in a while.  This won't be a full length update, but just a quickie.

Things are terrible.  We are very likely going to lose the house.  I have yet to get anywhere finding a new job.  My wife still hasn't gotten her house sorted it at work.  We're mega broke and likely to soon be homeless.

I was takes at my last thereof session to envision a future me and for the first time in my life I've got nothing.  No vision of any future being the next year or so.  This had me deeply disconcerted.  Even if it was false how or daydreams of a better future that would be something. Instead it's like trying to look through a wall.  It makes me feel as if I'm living on borrowed time.  As if it was supposed to be over, but I managed to borrow a few years by transitioning.  I'm not contemplating anything, just expressing what it feels like.  I have therapy this afternoon and I imagine my psyche will be in shambles yet again afterward.  Not particularly looking forward to it.

My marriage is feels like it's over.  We aren't figuring it anything, just a whole lot of nothing.  It's been this way for a while.  Plus we are just terrible for each other.  We are unable to help each other get better.  Anyone who said love conquers all it's living in a dream world.  Everything has its breaking point and I feel we may be reaching ours (if we haven't already reached that threshold).  I don't know what is going to happen there either.

I realize I don't have any reliable friends anymore.  I'm not really sure I ever did tbh.  The current crop just seems to be taking advantage of my good nature.  I need to stop being nice and just be a selfish bitch like I keep getting accused of being anyway.  I'm tired of people entering my life just to leave after 3 or 4 months.

For the first time in really starting to consider that transitioning may have been one of the worst decisions I've ever made.  For a brief but of time everything sensed fine and dandy.  However everything wrong in my life has accelerated to warp speed.  I honestly don't know how to deal with things anything since nothing seems to work in my favor and I am hurt significantly harder by each failing than I used to be.

I'm holding things together barely.  For how long?  Who knows.  Whether it's me screwing things up or just plain bad luck seems irrelevant at the moment.  It's very tempting to just sit back and watch the world burn.  Sorry to be a downer, but sometimes things aren't very awesome.

[Northern Star Girl]

@amberwaves
My Dear Amber:
I am so very sorry and personally upset to hear about all the "bad" issues that you are facing.   First and foremost, you are NOT A FAILURE....   thinking like that will only dig you deeper into the hole that you are finding yourself in.

Regarding finding suitable and better employment... persistence is the key, and presenting a positive and contented attitude in your written application and personal appearance to prospective employers is an important element that will help you get hired.  Stay focused and keep searching for the job that you need.

Regarding your finances... obviously this is a serious situation.... I trust that you can find ways to avoid losing your home... for your family's sake, your wife and kid, etc.   Also the marriage situation is something that a lot of trans-people go through... no doubt about it, it will strain even the best of marriage relationships....  you don't have to look at too many threads on the forums to see that you are not alone...  do some searching around the various posts of others to see if you can glean some kind of helpful suggestions that you can apply to your own marriage.  It just might be worth you time to do that.

I did notice that there was no mention of Amber2 in your latest updates...   Hmmm, is she still involved in your family situation and importantly is she still a romantic interest to you?   

Obviously any reply that you make regarding any of my comments or suggestions are at your discretion... I understand the very personal nature of your latest post and previous writings... so only respond if you feel comfortable doing so.

As always, as we have done so many times before, you can send me a PM anytime about anything.   I will always have an ear to listen and a shoulder to lean on.

I am constantly wishing your the best and hoping and trusting that you will get your ship back on course.
Again, you are not a failure... get that phrase out of your mind... please.  Think positive and be as positive as you can.   
I know that this is easier said than done but your might want to take the time to take another look at my following thread:   
                  "Positive Mindset... put away negativity"

Please write back when you feel that it is the right time for you to do so.  I always will miss seeing frequent updates from my favorite red headed forums friend!!

Hugs and more hugs,
Danielle

   

I haven't updated in a while.  This won't be a full length update, but just a quickie.

Things are terrible.  We are very likely going to lose the house.  I have yet to get anywhere finding a new job.  My wife still hasn't gotten her house sorted it at work.  We're mega broke and likely to soon be homeless.

I was takes at my last thereof session to envision a future me and for the first time in my life I've got nothing.  No vision of any future being the next year or so.  This had me deeply disconcerted.  Even if it was false how or daydreams of a better future that would be something. Instead it's like trying to look through a wall.  It makes me feel as if I'm living on borrowed time.  As if it was supposed to be over, but I managed to borrow a few years by transitioning.  I'm not contemplating anything, just expressing what it feels like.  I have therapy this afternoon and I imagine my psyche will be in shambles yet again afterward.  Not particularly looking forward to it.

My marriage is feels like it's over.  We aren't figuring it anything, just a whole lot of nothing.  It's been this way for a while.  Plus we are just terrible for each other.  We are unable to help each other get better.  Anyone who said love conquers all it's living in a dream world.  Everything has its breaking point and I feel we may be reaching ours (if we haven't already reached that threshold).  I don't know what is going to happen there either.

I realize I don't have any reliable friends anymore.  I'm not really sure I ever did tbh.  The current crop just seems to be taking advantage of my good nature.  I need to stop being nice and just be a selfish bitch like I keep getting accused of being anyway.  I'm tired of people entering my life just to leave after 3 or 4 months.

For the first time in really starting to consider that transitioning may have been one of the worst decisions I've ever made.  For a brief but of time everything sensed fine and dandy.  However everything wrong in my life has accelerated to warp speed.  I honestly don't know how to deal with things anything since nothing seems to work in my favor and I am hurt significantly harder by each failing than I used to be.

I'm holding things together barely.  For how long?  Who knows.  Whether it's me screwing things up or just plain bad luck seems irrelevant at the moment.  It's very tempting to just sit back and watch the world burn.  Sorry to be a downer, but sometimes things aren't very awesome.

[Northern Star Girl]

@amberwaves
Dear Amber.... 
I am quite concerned for you based on your latest postings....
You are in my thoughts often as I go through the various threads and posts here on the Forums.

I trust that you can find ways to overcome your most pressing difficulties...  please know that your are an endeared member here and the members here always want the best for you.

Please try to stay positive as you work hard to get out of your dark place.

Hugs and well wishes as always,
Danielle