Grrr, why is this so complicated?

[amberwaves]

Because my adoring fans would want to know, I'm sure, I've gone back to a much bolder red.

[Northern Star Girl]

Because my adoring fans would want to know, I'm sure, I've gone back to a much bolder red.

@amberwaves
Dear Amber:
Yes indeed, as one of your "adoring fans" I absolutely want to know.
As you know from my previous communication with you I have always admired your red hair....  when I think of red heads, I always think of you first.

Hugs and well wishes to you, I trust that at least some of your life problems are being taken care of...  particularly your house and your marriage issues.

Danielle

[Allison S]

Yes I think both shades suit you but this bold red fits your personality a bit better [emoji4]

Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk

[amberwaves]

Yes I think both shades suit you but this bold red fits your personality a bit better [emoji4]

Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk

Funny because I don't consider my personality to be that bold or flashy.

[amberwaves]

Well it's been a good week or so.  I made a good friend, which is awesome!  She is a doll and very sweet.  Unfortunately, there is that spectre of sexual tension to deal with, but that just seems to be the way things go for me.  My wife seems pretty cool about it though, so who knows, maybe this is going to test that open marriage thing.  In any case I'm just glad to have another friend.

No real updates on the house to report.  On the bright side, I'm not homeless ATM so that's good.  The marriage is stable, though unfortunately since our last talk two weeks or so ago things have gone right back to where they were.  I really don't know how to change this situation because it's not really up to me to change it anymore.  I've said my peace and now she needs to step up.  Of all the people I ask for advice the resounding response is that I need to be happy.  I'm not used to, or good at, focusing on my happiness, especially if it involves potentially hurting people.  I hope things change for the better.  I guess it's time to have another talk.  Yesterday I was pretty bummed out thinking about it all, but today I'm better.

So this morning I got called sir by the cashier at the drive thru window.  I was stunned.  Granted I looked like crap because I hadn't showered or cleaned up yet, but still.  I haven't been misgendered in over a year.  I'm chalking it up to just a mistake.  However, I may have gone a little heavy on the makeup today in response lol.

[Faith]

However, I may have gone a little heavy on the makeup today in response lol

you think ? HA! (laughing with you, not at you) .. I've been there a few times.

It's always good to have a friend I hope it works out for you. Open marriage, I can't do that. If it works for you, great. Even if my wife said OK to something like that (she wouldn't, neither would I) actually doing so would be a final nail.

Not homeless, YAY! .. small yay? ...

overall this post is a bit more up than your previous.

Faith

[amberwaves]

you think ? HA! (laughing with you, not at you) .. I've been there a few times.

It's always good to have a friend I hope it works out for you. Open marriage, I can't do that. If it works for you, great. Even if my wife said OK to something like that (she wouldn't, neither would I) actually doing so would be a final nail.

Not homeless, YAY! .. small yay? ...

overall this post is a bit more up than your previous.

Faith

It doesn't look quite as bad irl as in the photo but it's still pretty intense.  I had to go change lipstick though because that one just does not go with the bold look at all.

[amberwaves]

I caught a cold and it's made the last two days miserable.  I almost never get sick so by the time I do get sick I've forgotten how much it sucks.  Things are going all right otherwise.  I didn't let getting misgendered the other day throw off my stride too much. 

On the whole things are just uninteresting here.  All the things that are exciting to talk about really only interest me.  I'm planning on doing the YouTube thing, I just am not sure when I'm going to start it.  Hopefully, I'll be interesting enough to listen too for people to actually followed me.  I think having a vlog will be good for me to keep up with things.  The only other I interesting thing of note is that I will be getting interviewed. 

A friend of mine is working on his masters in psychology and for his clinical sexuality class they need to interview people.  He thought it might be interesting for his group to interview me being a trans woman.  We are going to Skype the interview tomorrow and this will be the first time we've spoken "face to face", well sort of anyway, in 13 years.  We talk about once a month on the phone, but it'll be neat to actually see him.

I had the experience the other day of talking to a friend having a rough time of things lately.  She has impossibly high standards for herself and is ignoring all the positive things happening.  Sound familiar?  I got quite the eye opener as to how crappy it is for others to deal with me when I am like that.  I truly wish I could have helped bring her mood up, but was powerless to get her to see the positive.  I am sorry for all the times I've been like that now.  I was always so absorbed in my own misery and self defeat to realize how much pain that causes the people who care for you.

[Northern Star Girl]

@amberwaves
Dear Amber:
A very interesting update.   
Hmmm, you are going to be a YouTube video blogger???  That should be interesting for you and for us.

... and Oh my, getting interviewed as a subject in a clinical sexuality class... I am sure that you won't pull any punches and tell it like it is... the good and the bad... the happy and the sad, the successes and the failures and the good feelings that you have as you got closer to your transition goals.

OH yeah, I hear you about how difficult it is sometimes to uphold someone going through very tough down times... I personally know that it takes a lot of passion, empathy, persistence and a lot of listening time and offering a shoulder to lean on.... and at times, crying with them.

I will be looking forward to your continuing updates about the future projects that you are going to get involved in.
I hope that you are feeling a little better .... get well soon.
Hugs,
Danielle

[amberwaves]

@amberwaves
Dear Amber:
A very interesting update.   
Hmmm, you are going to be a YouTube video blogger???  That should be interesting for you and for us.

... and Oh my, getting interviewed as a subject in a clinical sexuality class... I am sure that you won't pull any punches and tell it like it is... the good and the bad... the happy and the sad, the successes and the failures and the good feelings that you have as you got closer to your transition goals.

OH yeah, I hear you about how difficult it is sometimes to uphold someone going through very tough down times... I personally know that it takes a lot of passion, empathy, persistence and a lot of listening time and offering a shoulder to lean on.... and at times, crying with them.

I will be looking forward to your continuing updates about the future projects that you are going to get involved in.
I hope that you are feeling a little better .... get well soon.
Hugs,
Danielle

I've been kicking the idea around for a while.  People seem to enjoy listening to me blather on about things so I figure why not do it online.  I'm not sure if there will be a theme per se so much as whatever I am interested in at the moment. 

It was definitely hard for me.  I don't lack empathy, but I can't stand to feel powerless to change things.  It was just incredibly odd to realize that is how I am, slowly becoming used to be.  I've not meet very many people so similar to myself that it really was enlightening. 

I always have lots of side projects going on.  I'm still working on getting side income from one of my projects.  Sometimes it works well others not so much.  I just need to hunker down and get work accomplished on everything rather than just think about doing things.

Same goes for finding a decent job.  I have been so avoidant lately with regard to working towards that.  I wish I knew why. My therapist and I have been talking about it and trying to implement strategies to get me motivated.

On the marriage front, not much to report.  Things got better after our last talk, but by a week later things were right back to where they were.  No idea what I can do to rekindle the fire and keep it burning.

[Northern Star Girl]

SNIPPED:

   - - - - - - - - - -
       - - - - - - - - - -
It was definitely hard for me.  I don't lack empathy, but I can't stand to feel powerless to change things.  It was just incredibly odd to realize that is how I am, slowly becoming used to be.  I've not meet very many people so similar to myself that it really was enlightening. 
- - - - - - - - - -
  - - - - - - - - - - -
Same goes for finding a decent job.  I have been so avoidant lately with regard to working towards that.  I wish I knew why. My therapist and I have been talking about it and trying to implement strategies to get me motivated.

On the marriage front, not much to report.  Things got better after our last talk, but by a week later things were right back to where they were.  No idea what I can do to rekindle the fire and keep it burning.

@amberwaves
Dear Amber:
Regarding how you may feel powerless to help people when they are in their low spots...  in my experience I can try as hard as I can to accomplish that task but in the end it is up to the person that I am trying to lift up.  All I can do is to listen, empathize with them, understand and share their feelings, help them to see the ways that they can formulate positive solutions to their issues and problems and try to share some of my optimism and experiences with them....   
I also go back to my thread that I started some months aga and share some of the points mentioned there:
        "Positive Mindset... put away negativity"

About your continued job search, I am hoping and trusting that you will find something that interests you that you can make a decent wage at.  This old adage is so very true: 
         "If a person finds a job that they love, they will never work a day in their life."

I trust that you can get your marriage back on track.  Considering all the issues that you are dealing with, you do not need the extra strain and stress of difficulties in your marriage......   

Oh, and you did not mention the financial situation with "saving your home"   I hope that problem is now behind you or at least somewhat settled for now.

I am sorry if you feel like that I am grilling you... only answer my questions that you feel comfortable answering.   I have always followed your thread and your life ups and downs with interest and I want to be able to understand how you are doing so I can send my positive thoughts and hugs to you as much as I can.

If some of this gets too personal to share on your thread, please, as we have done previously, write me a PM.

Hugs and hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

[amberwaves]

SNIPPED:
@amberwaves
Dear Amber:
Regarding how you may feel powerless to help people when they are in their low spots...  in my experience I can try as hard as I can to accomplish that task but in the end it is up to the person that I am trying to lift up.  All I can do is to listen, empathize with them, understand and share their feelings, help them to see the ways that they can formulate positive solutions to their issues and problems and try to share some of my optimism and experiences with them....   
I also go back to my thread that I started some months aga and share some of the points mentioned there:
        "Positive Mindset... put away negativity"

About your continued job search, I am hoping and trusting that you will find something that interests you that you can make a decent wage at.  This old adage is so very true: 
         "If a person finds a job that they love, they will never work a day in their life."

I trust that you can get your marriage back on track.  Considering all the issues that you are dealing with, you do not need the extra strain and stress of difficulties in your marriage......   

Oh, and you did not mention the financial situation with "saving your home"   I hope that problem is now behind you or at least somewhat settled for now.

I am sorry if you feel like that I am grilling you... only answer my questions that you feel comfortable answering.   I have always followed your thread and your life ups and downs with interest and I want to be able to understand how you are doing so I can send my positive thoughts and hugs to you as much as I can.

If some of this gets too personal to share on your thread, please, as we have done previously, write me a PM.

Hugs and hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

Well there really isn't anything to report on the house at the moment.  Things are still in limbo and I have to make some phone calls.

[Sonja]

Because my adoring fans would want to know, I'm sure, I've gone back to a much bolder red.

@amberwaves

Yes! Love that red, Also your nails look fantastic! You look great Amber!

Sonja.

[amberwaves]

@amberwaves

Yes! Love that red, Also your nails look fantastic! You look great Amber!

Sonja.

Thank you Sonja.  I love this color, but I haven't been feeling very fabulous lately.  Need to hit the gym some and then maybe I'll be fab again.

[MsMarlo]

Amber, this reminds me of a movie I saw on a cross-country Amtrak taking my life in my own hands trip; it was called The Rain Maker.  I have been lucky with BCBS of Alabama (of all places), but I have heard other horror stories from others (not even transitioning related).  You should check the movie out sometime - it is really good.  Hope all is going well for ya!

MsMarlo

[amberwaves]

Amber, this reminds me of a movie I saw on a cross-country Amtrak taking my life in my own hands trip; it was called The Rain Maker.  I have been lucky with BCBS of Alabama (of all places), but I have heard other horror stories from others (not even transitioning related).  You should check the movie out sometime - it is really good.  Hope all is going well for ya!

MsMarlo

I haven't seen the movie so I had to look up a plot synopsis.  You'll have to forgive me, but I don't really see what is reminding you this movie.

[MsMarlo]

Just the whole insurance thing; someone earlier mentioned deny, deny, deny in a response to you. The movie shows how the insurance companies can often (not always, but often) scoundrels.  The problems you were having with the particular insurer that you mentioned in your initial posts made me think about the movie.  I had to deal with workman's comp for a while and that was a nightmare; fortunately, BCBS here in Alabama has been pretty good with me.  Hope you're doing well!

MsMarlo

[amberwaves]

Well everyone seems to be in the habit of doing x month updates so why not.  Here's my 27 month update.

Not many changes to report.  I remain a woman like the last bunch of months.  Boobs are still growing, but that could be because I'm getting fatter, or as I like say "putting on my winter coat"

People continue to see me as a woman. With the exception of one dude in the drive through...

Sexual function? Check.  Opportunity to use it... Not so much.

Okay this is getting dull. Back to my usual wall of text format.

I sat around this afternoon looking at jobs.  That is honestly one of the most depressing things for me.  I saw a few that I had even interviewed for about 3 years ago.  Guess it didn't work out for them.  Seriously can't believe the number of jobs that want a freaking masters degree but only pay like 40k.  I can't afford to get my masters right now so I guess I'll have to accept a bullcrap salary for a job that's too far away because there is nothing in my area.  I really hate living in the middle of pennsyltucky. I would love to move to where there are jobs, but I can't afford to do so.  Lovely little catch-22.

No updates on the marriage.  I just spent a bit of time talking with a friend about it.  I spend a lot of time talking with my therapist about it.  I spend as much time as possible not thinking about it.  It's depressing.  I'm as trapped as trapped can be.  Nothing is going to change EVER unless I do something. That fact is also bullcrap.  I love my wife and I love my kids, but I don't love my life with my wife and kids...

No updates on the house.  We aren't homeless yet, but lack the income necessary to catch up.  I consider it only a matter of time until everything falls apart.

I don't have much excitement to report.  Not a whole lot has been happening.  There's a few interesting things, but nothing I'm at liberty to share...

Basically life is static and I hate static.

[Northern Star Girl]

@amberwaves
Dear Amber.... 
I appreciate seeing your update, and no worries, updates don't always have to be extremely exciting and they do not always need to be good news.   I always like to hear from my red-headed friend on the forums.

Heya girl, life happens, the good and the bad.... and not only is it good therapy for you to write about it and vent, but also your followers want to know so we can keep you in our thoughts, offer support when it may be needed, and as always we will have an ear to listen and a shoulder to lean or to cry on.   When you report good news we then can rejoice with you.

At 27 months your HRT has usually done a lot of it's most dramatic work, but rest assured that there is more to come, so hang on, the ride continues.
Regarding sexual function, mine stopped working at about 6 months of HRT... but not problem, women don't have that same form of function anyway but just tickle my nips and I am yours.  LOL

Regarding jobs,  stay employed and take whatever you can temporarily at least.  An unemployed person is a lot less attractive to a future employer than a job candidate that presently has a job.   Keep being tenacious and persistent even on job applications that you have done previously... keep beating the drum so that you will be heard.... keep following up on your applications.

Your marriage, you and I have talked at length about this subject that is dear to your heart....  as you are aware, the spouse of a transitioner naturally can have a very difficult time with all of this...  obviously an extremely emotional battle for them...  continue to be kind and loving as much as possible in your specific situation.

Ahhh, your house, obviously this is a big deal, keep talking to your bank.... silence about your difficulties in paying the mortgage is not viewed upon kindly.....  keep talking to them and telling them about your desire to get back on track and the various things that you are doing to make that happen...
...most banks will want to help you, be sure to ask!

You mentioned that life is static... well that is better than going from bad to worse...!!!!

Thanks for checking in and giving us your 2 1/4 year update.   Please continue to feel free to PM me at any time about any thing.   I will be there for you.
Hugs,
Danielle

[amberwaves]

@amberwaves
Dear Amber.... 
I appreciate seeing your update, and no worries, updates don't always have to be extremely exciting and they do not always need to be good news.   I always like to hear from my red-headed friend on the forums.

Heya girl, life happens, the good and the bad.... and not only is it good therapy for you to write about it and vent, but also your followers want to know so we can keep you in our thoughts, offer support when it may be needed, and as always we will have an ear to listen and a shoulder to lean or to cry on.   When you report good news we then can rejoice with you.

At 27 months your HRT has usually done a lot of it's most dramatic work, but rest assured that there is more to come, so hang on, the ride continues.
Regarding sexual function, mine stopped working at about 6 months of HRT... but not problem, women don't have that same form of function anyway but just tickle my nips and I am yours.  LOL

Regarding jobs,  stay employed and take whatever you can temporarily at least.  An unemployed person is a lot less attractive to a future employer than a job candidate that presently has a job.   Keep being tenacious and persistent even on job applications that you have done previously... keep beating the drum so that you will be heard.... keep following up on your applications.

Your marriage, you and I have talked at length about this subject that is dear to your heart....  as you are aware, the spouse of a transitioner naturally can have a very difficult time with all of this...  obviously an extremely emotional battle for them...  continue to be kind and loving as much as possible in your specific situation.

Ahhh, your house, obviously this is a big deal, keep talking to your bank.... silence about your difficulties in paying the mortgage is not viewed upon kindly.....  keep talking to them and telling them about your desire to get back on track and the various things that you are doing to make that happen...
...most banks will want to help you, be sure to ask!

You mentioned that life is static... well that is better than going from bad to worse...!!!!

Thanks for checking in and giving us your 2 1/4 year update.   Please continue to feel free to PM me at any time about any thing.   I will be there for you.
Hugs,
Danielle

Oh yes being employed at Walmart is so glorious and makes you just seem like a glowing candidate for jobs.  I have been employed my entire adult life.  There have only been brief periods where I wasn't.  It doesn't matter though because every job i've ever had is unskilled entry level bull.  So instead of setting how employable I am it just looks like I'm a retard who isn't worth hiring because she must clearly not have any skills or she would have done something with her life.

My spouse is and has always been completely okay with my transition.  That's not the problem.  The problem is our life together sucks.  Our house is a pigstye. We both work basic bullcrap jobs.  We never have any money. We don't have friends.  We are both lazy and depressed.  It's just a slow march to inevitable demise.  We both suck as people and have the most abysmal luck imaginable.  It's NEVER been about my transition.  I don't talk about the details of it because it hurts too much to say I suck and that's why it's failed.