Help! I probably won't get a lot of responses because this is kinds long. Maybe some of you are experiencing the same confusion. I was assigned male at birth. That's never been me as long as I can remember. I've been torturing myself over this these past few weeks. I think I'm non-binary, but no definition for non-binary, genderqueer, gender fluid, etc., is helping me define myself, other than the umbrella term transgender, which is what I've been using when I disclose to people. To help you help me, below is a list of things about me that may help you give me an opinion. I regularly see a gender therapist, but she's leaving my gender identity up to me.
1. I absolutely don't identify as male, but 'm not interested in SRS. I'm not experiencing dysphoria over my body, which isn't very masculine, or genitalia. I don't know how much HRT could make a difference to make the risk and cost worth it.
2. I've always hated facial and body hair, thank goodness I don't have much, so I'm getting facial and underarm hair removed (it comes with the package so why not). I shave what sparse and fine hair I have on my thighs, chest and private area about once a week.
3. I have small, rounded female looking breasts -- I think I was almost born a girl.
I like how they look like natural female breasts under more form-fitting tops when I wear shapewear that cuts underneath them. They're not large enough to sag. I hate wearing a bra but I sometimes have to to keep my nipples from showing too much.
4. I present as what's called non-binary most of the time, including at the office, but I relish opportunities to present as binary female out shopping or whatever without going overboard. I'm a feminist and not a glamorous dress kind of girl, or whatever I am. By closely observing women, once I got the hang of it with my walk, gestures and voice, I've had no trouble passing as female. Yaaay!
5. Only in rare situations where I may never be able to disclose, such as to my wife's ultra-conservative and fundamentalist family to protect her, do I try to present as a man. I wear longer more feminine style hair than the normative male around here, so there's that one thing I won't change for these situations. Thankfully, we only see them once or twice a year for Thanksgiving and family reunions. I hate those times, and can't wait to get home and be myself.
6. When I get lazy or in hurry and just present as non-binary when I'm out shopping or whatever, sometimes I get ma'am and sometimes I get sir. I understand the confusion, but I hate being called sir. It's like hearing fingernails scraping on a chalk board. I prefer feminine pronouns and ma'am and that's what I tell people when they ask. No one outside the transgender community is going to use neutral pronouns.
7. My personality, creativity and emotions as culturally defined are more female.
8. I buy and wear women's more gender ambiguous clothing and shoes almost all the time. I always wear women's underwear and under trousers knee-high, opaque stockings that can pass for men's nylon socks. I hate the feel of cotton and heavier men's fabrics. Women's stuff is just so much more comfortable than men's to me.
9. I don't know if this has anything to do with it, but I prefer "chick" type movies, like the latest version of Beauty and the Beast, which was awesome, to guy type action movies, which I never watch. I'd rather plant flowers and do gardening than more male associated activities like riding a four-wheeler, which is popular around here. I'd rather be one of the girls.
10. I didn't want to stray too far from my male nickname, so I just changed the spelling from Tommy to the female version Tommie. One of my childhood friends mother's name was Tommie, so I went with that.
I value the opinions of other transgender people and think they're/we're the only ones who can help. I can't think of anything else to tell you to help you give your opinion, but if you think of a question to ask me that might help please ask. Thank you for taking the time to read all this and respond!
Tommie
