Resentment, Trans/Homophobia and Misdiagnosis As Transsexual

[Chloe]

Back to topic:

. . . I wanted to share my experience and perspectives with others who are not certain transition is right for them.

Flytrap thx for sharing an amazing story like Kelly implied not all of us are dependant on the "medical establishment" for anything I could have an "endo letter" tomorrow, if needs be, from a therapist who is herself transgendered but Father TIME is often the best diagnostic indicator, not all of us "(wiser ones?)" are in a crisis hurry for often "life-changing", "transformative" results.

Suppose I need to include myself in your category of 'not certain" about 100% transition but I am certain that I am transgendered . . . It's just have been content in my only skin for over 40yrs be it "male" or "female" but you are right to be concerned. I've met other TG individuals who definitely have other "diagnostic issues" but when it comes to "gender dysphoria"

Gee what a remarkably precise, scientific term (note hint of sarcasm) that otherwise defies, RESISTS all attempts at further "classification"!!! Why is that? Now some would say "well, if you don't transition your not transgendered" but I say "what came first? The chicken or the egg?"

[flytrap]

Roll and RobynD-
I was touched that you were big enough people to say "I'm sorry." I tried real hard not to offend anyone with what I knew was a difficult subject. And I am sorry I didn't do as good a job as I thought I had.

@ Kiera,
I really appreciate you bringing my post back on topic. And that you realized why I felt this was important to share the things that happened to me in the Non-Transitioning and Detransitioning forum. It just isn't clear cut for some people, so it's important to have as much information as you can before making any life changing decisions.

[RobynD]

Perhaps you are not familiar with insurance protocol in the United States? Doctors must provide a diagnosis so they can be reimbursed for services rendered. In the case of someone diagnosed with gender dysphoria from transsexualism, this diagnosis is eventually forwarded to an endocrinologist via a letter referring the patient for HRT.

This is only sort of true though. Under informed consent, the patient does self diagnose but the doctor puts the diagnosis into the medical record, so that insurance companies will pay for the medical intervention. So in that way it happens.

[SailorMars1994]

Hmmm.... Deciding to jump in.

Gender dysphoira is a self-diagnosed type of thing. No-one can tell you flat out you are. Seeing a therapist, they are supposed to help you understand these feelings. I guess flytrap got themselves into a crappy situation with a counsellor not totally in check.  This is not something you can be blamed for, but I will add my 2 cents as this thread was made in a retaliation to my old own from like May.

One thing to look out for as a patient is leading questions. If they ask pointed yes or no questions influenced in either way that is a red alarm. You are supposed to be pouring your heart out and they can be able to tell you what that may be. I dont recall being told flat out by someone ''You're trans'', per say. I do recall after telling them my life, feelings and experiences they did say I sound like a typical trans-girl, and they did say they agree that I am trans but never I wasnt told flat out I was or was not. For me I wanted HRT badly. My first counselling appointment was January 19th 2015 and that will be a day I will never forget. I wanted HRT so badly and to move on with transition, and my counsellor who told me that I seem very much like someone who will benefit from a full transition empathized with my stuggle. Still, proper protocal had to take place and I wouldnt even get my T-blocker until nearly half a year later. Which is why when I hear some people who de-transition  (the bitter ones I mentioned months ago) seemingly say that they got full HRT on their first visit I tend to be skeptical. I begged and cried for HRT in Jan 2015 and even then I still had to wait. I cant say I know everyones experience, and flytrap I never made any issue with you at all. My thing was with some people who detransition (and my post was directed mainly to the Walt Heyers of the world, not you) is that they did what they did fine, but if it didnt work out then now we all have to suffer and in their minds transition then becomes never acceptable. Most de-transitioners are not like that in the slightest, and I never got that vibe from you and yes I do agree 100%that if you transition you should work on all aspects of mental health. Not because I am in the beleif that trans-feelings are due to something else (as those cases are rare), but I think that while you work on transition which is great, you do need to address any number of issues on the way to make a transition just that more successful. That is what I am doing so when I wake up from the operation hopefully Autumn next year I can indeed begin a new journey unshackled from any past issues there may be.

[Allie24]

Hmmm.... Deciding to jump in.

Gender dysphoira is a self-diagnosed type of thing. No-one can tell you flat out you are. Seeing a therapist, they are supposed to help you understand these feelings. I guess flytrap got themselves into a crappy situation with a counsellor not totally in check.  This is not something you can be blamed for, but I will add my 2 cents as this thread was made in a retaliation to my old own from like May.

One thing to look out for as a patient is leading questions. If they ask pointed yes or no questions influenced in either way that is a red alarm. You are supposed to be pouring your heart out and they can be able to tell you what that may be. I dont recall being told flat out by someone ''You're trans'', per say. I do recall after telling them my life, feelings and experiences they did say I sound like a typical trans-girl, and they did say they agree that I am trans but never I wasnt told flat out I was or was not. For me I wanted HRT badly. My first counselling appointment was January 19th 2015 and that will be a day I will never forget. I wanted HRT so badly and to move on with transition, and my counsellor who told me that I seem very much like someone who will benefit from a full transition empathized with my stuggle. Still, proper protocal had to take place and I wouldnt even get my T-blocker until nearly half a year later. Which is why when I hear some people who de-transition  (the bitter ones I mentioned months ago) seemingly say that they got full HRT on their first visit I tend to be skeptical. I begged and cried for HRT in Jan 2015 and even then I still had to wait. I cant say I know everyones experience, and flytrap I never made any issue with you at all. My thing was with some people who detransition (and my post was directed mainly to the Walt Heyers of the world, not you) is that they did what they did fine, but if it didnt work out then now we all have to suffer and in their minds transition then becomes never acceptable. Most de-transitioners are not like that in the slightest, and I never got that vibe from you and yes I do agree 100%that if you transition you should work on all aspects of mental health. Not because I am in the beleif that trans-feelings are due to something else (as those cases are rare), but I think that while you work on transition which is great, you do need to address any number of issues on the way to make a transition just that more successful. That is what I am doing so when I wake up from the operation hopefully Autumn next year I can indeed begin a new journey unshackled from any past issues there may be.

Maybe it's because Illinois is a Blue State, but I got HRT within a month of my requesting it. I told my therapist (who was a gender therapist, specifically) and he directed me to Howard Brown Health Center, which is based in Chicago and is now where I go to for checkups. So I think that depending on where you live and how many rules are in place determines how long it takes to start HRT.

[SailorMars1994]

Really? damn, wish I went there 2 years ago!! I begged for hrt.

[Allie24]

Really? damn, wish I went there 2 years ago!! I begged for hrt.

Where do you live? That might explain the difficulty in getting start on HRT.

Which makes for a very important point in regards to the issue of de-transitioners who feel like they got HRT, etc. too easily. It could very well be true, especially if they live in a very liberal state (like Illinois). No doubt I could be Joe off the street and get approved for HRT so long as I said I was trans. Not that I think anyone is that crazy.

[SailorMars1994]

Ontario, a Canada... possibley the most liberal place in North America after Quebec. Thats what is suprising. Tho, that was when CAMH was still calling the shots I think province wide. I think by that summer the Ontario governemnt changed quotas to make it easier/less gate keeping.

[RobynD]

Maybe it's because Illinois is a Blue State, but I got HRT within a month of my requesting it. I told my therapist (who was a gender therapist, specifically) and he directed me to Howard Brown Health Center, which is based in Chicago and is now where I go to for checkups. So I think that depending on where you live and how many rules are in place determines how long it takes to start HRT.

I too got it within a month here in Oregon.

[Izzy Grace]

This is a tough post to digest and work through.

Quoting Flytrap:
"I have slowly come to the point that I have stopped looking for an "Aha Moment," ...  And to realize I never really needed to be a girl to think, or feel, or do any of that like my mind told me I did to protect itself when I was small."

This is a tough post to digest and consider. I've been thinking about it for days. I'm still so new in all this it is a tough thought to turn over when your in the throes of denial and trying to lift away alot of repression. Life often feels a kind of unreal now. You can be plauged by feelings of not being enough, will i be accepted not just by society but by other transgender people. Am I real, is this real? Shame, internalized transphobia. You can spend alot of time thinking its in your head, or maybe your not as far on the spectrum... and yet long for transition and want what other girls have worked for with hrt and surgery and lots and lots of therapy at the same time.

What happen if I do all this and it doesnt resolve my issues with gender I have had since... as far back as I know.

I've resolved at this point that maybe the best i'm gonna know for a long time is that there is no AHA moment coming. Or it came, but i'm so wrapped up in neurosis like shame and doubt that I didnt experience it like I would have if it were something innocuous.

This line is tough for me too... "I never really needed to be a girl.."... maybe. ...but I WANT it. Not to turn your thing into mine, but thats how everything on this subject comes through, right? Through our own prism.

I mean theres a place here where my need and my want overlap and I'm not sure there isnt a kind of hybrid, where I want something so much I may just need it to survive or to live happy or to be authentic. I could live unauthentic, I can see that, i've done it 40 long years.

Whats a need and a want when youre miserable? Is living just existing, or is it about balancing the hard with the good, the hard with the easy... sad, mad and fullfilled, joy. Hell, shooting for joy and fullfillment most of the time?

i'm so damn tired and weary of not being able to just be whoever it is I am...

I guess what I am saying is... On something like this, this diffuse of a spectrum. There is what works for you, where you find fulfillment and joy and there is what does this for others. I believe that will be at authenticity, whatever that means for you.

All this knowledge we have... psych/science... was built on crisp lines and we're something else. We in ourselves might feel crisp and sure, but as a whole people we're diffuse. I think we have to accept doubly so for us, that these things will not even be shades of either/or but just shades ofalot of points. I think it will take science of mental and physical nature ages to come to terms with this, but it doesnt have to take us ages.

I hope you have found or will find your little piece of this and find some kind of peace.

[flytrap]

@katiekatt
Wow. Just wow. Tears. Love Flytrap

[Roll]

@katiekatt
Wow. Just wow. Tears. Love Flytrap

I know, right? Poignant doesn't even begin to describe some of Katie's posts! <3