20/20 hindsight

[Kylo]

There are lots of them, in hindsight, most of them highly typical of classic "FTM symptoms", although some were apparently more unusual. What strikes me most is how all the "nurture" in the world, whether deliberately steered or totally neutral, cannot and won't stop it, even in a child who has never heard of transsexuality and never strongly envied the opposite sex for being what it is. Even in someone like me who was apparently so isolated they knew very little about how to be a regular person, or about roles.

But then, there's that power of assumption... we look at other people and instinctively assume we're like them, or that they somehow represent us or we're supposed to be like them, almost as powerful at compelling us as the identity within. If it wasn't for that, we'd all have known from an early age exactly what the problem was. 

[IzzyC]

1. Wearing mum's shoes and stuff at 5.
2. Reading some book about kissing your elbow turns you into a girl (kids book?), and then trying to do that week after week.
3. Throwing fits because my mother would try to make me go to things like basketball camp when I wanted to do gymnastics with my sister.
4. Stealing and crossdressing in my sister's/mother's clothes from age 11 - 16.
5. Going emo in highschool and stuffing clothes slightly to try to give myself an hourglass figure.
6. Hating sports with an absolute passion and being insanely jealous of my sister and wanting to sing and dance to musicals and stuff but afraid my parents would punish me because I eventually became aware of their strong anti-LGBT stance
7. Almost always being female in every dream I remembered.
8. Uncontrollable thoughts about wishing I would die in my sleep if god wouldn't fix me and turn me into a girl overnight via miracle.
etc. etc.

Tbh I dunno why the heck it took me so long to figure out.

[grrl1nside]

We never had much money growing up so one year all the kids (all under received hand made fabric Care Bears. I was 12 and my stepmom asked me if I wanted one too. I did and promptly got grumpy bear, lol. I still have it decades later in one of my boxes of special things in storage...

[sf_erika]

Great topic.  I was actually running through a mental list of these things myself recently, and was trying to figure out how I could have been so blind for so long. 

- as many others, raiding my mother's closet at an early age
- lying on the floor as a teenager, thinking that if I stare at the ceiling long enough, I'll transform into a girl
- also as a teenager, daydreaming that I would be kidnapped along with the popular girl in school, and we'd be forced to swap bodies
- much later in life, when my daughter was born, thinking that she was lucky that she could have the life I didn't
- thousands of masturbation fantasies where I was the woman
- having a lifelong fascination with women's clothes
- being disgusted when my facial hair started to grow
- being secretly enthralled with anything I came across that involved trans stories: crazy Talkshows, documentaries, I even remember a Reader's Digest I stole from my parents bedroom when I was maybe 14 that had a story about a trans woman
- a 3rd grade book report I chose to do on There's A Boy In The Girl's Bathroom - I even built a display model girl's bathroom out of a cardboard box
- As an adult, the many cross dressing phases I went through
- Just mentally registering every time in my life when trans stuff came up in conversation - i could probably still repeat all those discussions today
- more recently (and before I came to terms with my being trans) "forced fem" fetish videos
- never feeling truly at ease as a guy (sexually, socially, physically, or any other way)

Those are the ones I've come up with on my own before reading this topic. Others have mentioned video game characters and mermaids.  I haven't thought about those, but yes.  Definitely. I guess my list is growing.  I remember watching that movie Splash! as a kid, wishing so much that I could turn into her.

I've been so blind.


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[Sarah77]

The biggest one for me was praying to God that he turned me into a girl when I was 12. Back then I didn't think much of it, didn't even know why I wanted that so much, but nowadays I know praying to be magically transformed is something a lot of transgender people do.

I also remember being very upset when I was around 4 years old cuz I wanted to wear a belly shirt and my parents wouldn't let me lol. I also loved girly things, like Barbie dolls, and was fascinated by the female character in every movie/cartoon etc and wanted to be them. For example if I was watching Batman, I was more interested in Catwoman and Batgirl, wanted to be the Yellow Power Ranger (female) and always wanted a female character when playing games. I thought they were cooler and more interesting...My cousins used to give a hard time for choosing the female so I learnt I had to choose the male one.

I remember those prayers. I was brought up in a Cheistian family..

I still try it now and again, but pray I can be the mum of my children

[zirconia]

I guess I knew I wanted to be a girl quite early. That said, here are some of the signs I remember off hand.

• I cried when forced to dress as a male character for a dress ball at the age of three.
  
• Cried when my parents started to buy me male underwear at four.
  
• Was horrified when aunts replied to my question regarding why grandfather had no hair by saying that happened to men, and that because I was a boy I'd also grow up to become a man.
  
• Was excited at the chance of dressing as a girl in order to be able to participate in a girls only gymnastics class at five. (I disappointedly gave up when laughed at by neighborhood boys.)
  
• Much preferred to play with girls rather than boys as I grew up. I hated rough play.
  
• Was flabbergasted  by my aunt's reaction when I colored my nails with my cousins at the age of six.
  
• Felt delighted when boys at school contemptuously said I threw like a girl at the age of seven.
  
• Wished to be like a mermaid I saw in a story at the age of eight.
  
• Was surprised and hurt when boys at school reacted violently to hugs and all other friendly physical contact.
  
• Couldn't understand why boys shunned girls and talked about "girl cooties."
  
• Preferred TV animation programs meant for girls.
  
• Wanted desperately to find out I was under a spell like Ozma after I discovered the Wizard of Oz books.
  
• Started experimenting in earnest how to completely hide and nullify my genitals in grades five and six.
  
• Was completely baffled by why boys in books wanted to grow up and become men.
  
• Always felt fascinated by rings, jewelry and makeup.
  
• Felt excited, scared and happy when my breasts turned sore at puberty.
  
• Felt absolutely horrified when I ejaculated, and continued to always feel mortified by all feelings of male arousal.
  
• Felt dejected when I found hair on my legs, and tried to pluck it without success. Was thrilled to find found nylon stockings mostly hid it. Made a resolution not to grow any on my torso. (While some did emerge, thanks to either willpower or luck there were only a couple score.)
  
• Felt horrified when one of my classmates displayed his adult-size male genitals in the locker room. Wished ardently mine would never grow.
  
• Was astounded by the reaction of a girl at school to whom I demonstrated a switch to my pre-pubertal voice. (That reaction dissuaded me from using it again for years, but the memory of that instance remained so vivid that it helped me later recall to an extent how I could be done.)
  
• Felt even more desolate when I started to see facial hair.
  
• Was increasingly despised, shunned and called names by boys throughout school.
  
• Couldn't understand boyfriend-girlfriend relationships. (To me the few girls I did get close to were merely friends with whom I loved to talk.)
  
• Felt amused (and a bit apologetic) when I my sole male friend appeared to get aroused by me. (I left the room until he got over it.)
  
• Never wanted to have sex, and felt disconsolate—like I'd lost something precious—when I finally did.
  
• Felt thrilled when I learnt of laser hair removal, and immediately decided to remove my beard once I could.
  

There have been more—I'm certain very many more. I knew what I wanted, but didn't know whether I could make it come true. In hindsight, the very incremental changes I've made have inevitably morphed me over time.

[Cheaney]

I remember at 3-5 noticing that my moms/sisters private areas areas were flat and mine wasn't. And then would mess with mine to make it flat which of course made it worse lol. I remember being in like 3rd or 4th grade and decided make fists at my chest under my basketball jersey so it looked like I had boobs. And I didn't care at all that another boy saw it and started laughing. In fact I know that I enjoyed the attention. And that was kinda big because I had already gone into "I have to look like and be a boy" mode. For some reason, I'm guessing family, I knew early on I wanted to be a girl but also knew early on that any expression of that desire was "wrong". I had boy parts so I was a boy was my thoughts that I'm pretty sure I didn't come up with looking back.

Agreed on always needing a shirt on esp during sports or swimming. Shirts and skins games were the worst![emoji23]


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[Megan.]

About the age of 6, we had to dress up in tudor costumes for a school feite, it was the first time I got to wear tights,  they felt great.
A similar age I was sooo happy when all my underpants were in the wash and I had to wear a pair of my sisters panties to school for the day.
As a young teenager I used to cut out and put cardboard down my underwear to try and make it look smooth.

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[Charlie Nicki]

I just remembered something. When I was 13 my parents sent me to therapy with a child psychologist cuz I was going through puberty and was grumpy all time (years later my mom admitted that the real reason they sent me there was that they had found the gay porn websites I had visited lol) and on my first appointment this woman went through a list of questions with me. I remember vividly that one of the questions was: "Do you want to be a girl?" and in my mind I screamed "YES!"...But of course my answer out loud was no. I knew I couldn't say that to her.

[LizK]

At age 10 as puberty started to really come on I started stealing cars,shoplifting and shop breaking but by 12 I had been caught and was facing a myriad of charges. I refused at this stage to say anything but stare blankly at the cops and my parents. In the end the judge decided that there was more to this than met the eye so ordered I see a social worker. He didn't send me away although I was sure I was going to "do time" in juvenile detention.

So the good judge sent me to see a social worker who made me go and see him every week for a year. I would sit in his office mute... Good naturedly, I would say hello, then say nothing again until it was time to leave...after the first 3 months he gave up so the visits went from 1 hour 2 a couple of minutes towards the end and then I just stopped bothering and so did he. I remember him telling me at one point I was a little thug and was lucky not to be locked up and I was very inappropriate and burst out laughing...it is my clearest memory Apart from the first day when I had decided to tell him what was going on inside my head. He interrupted me about a minute into what I was trying to say as he could clearly see I was struggling with something and he straight out asked me if I was trying to tell him that I was gay...I can remember being so surprised that I clammed up and never finished my sentence except to shake my head as I did every time he asked me the same question. I couldn't tell him I was a girl after the terrible trouble I caused and apart from that I knew my parents would not believe me...40 years later this part turned out to be true.

[Bari Jo]

I just remembered something. When I was 13 my parents sent me to therapy with a child psychologist cuz I was going through puberty and was grumpy all time (years later my mom admitted that the real reason they sent me there was that they had found the gay porn websites I had visited lol) and on my first appointment this woman went through a list of questions with me. I remember vividly that one of the questions was: "Do you want to be a girl?" and in my mind I screamed "YES!"...But of course my answer out loud was no. I knew I couldn't say that to her.

That question, which I got at 12 or 13 also haunted me for decades.  I handled it the same as you.

[Sarah_P]

I would sit in his office mute... Good naturedly, I would say hello, then say nothing again until it was time to leave...

This reminds me of when my father tried to take me to a psychologist at 12 or 13. It was 2 years after my mother had tried to kill me (yes, he took that long to get around to it), and I had already started into my angry rebellious teen mode. I'd sit in his office and just stare at the wall, not saying anything. I think I only went for 2 or 3 sessions before they gave up.

I can also remember several times when I was in high school, my father basically said there's something he wanted to ask me, but didn't know how to say it. I suspected what it was, and I know for certain now that he wanted to ask if I was gay, since I had shown no interest in dating whatsoever (though I don't know how one equals the other?).

[Megan.]

My parents also thought I was gay due my utter lack of interest in a relationship with anyone (because I didn't know what I was).

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[Roll]

I never got that from my parents, at least not to my face (though I'm reasonably sure it was assumed at times), but I did get it from random women for a similar reason. Essentially, because I didn't hit on them, flirt constantly, and generally lust after them that meant I was gay. The arrogance of that still blows me away. (The funny part to me is that I did find them attractive up until they revealed that arrogance. I just wasn't behaving like a guy, coupled with my general insecurity about not understanding where I fit in as well.)

[Megan.]

In my mid-twenties I shared with with a female colleague that I was still a virgin,  her very first reaction was to ask if I was gay. Lol

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[Tamika Olivia]

About a year or two before I finally admitted to myself what was going on, I fell in love with a sci-fi novel called Glasshouse. In it, people are free to build and switch bodies at any time. The protagonist starts in a male body, but signs up for an experiment where they are randomly assigned a body to emulate 1900s to 2000s Euroamerican life. The protagonist is assigned a female body, and I remember my whole brain lighting up. It was the dream.

Looking back I've always had a penchant for body swaps, gender play, and transformations in my fiction. Now I know why I was so fascinated with it.

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[Allie24]

Oh god, the towel dresses. I forgot about those. I'd always put a towel around my head as well and pretend it was long hair. Stupid repressed memories.

And I thought of another good one! Not understanding why my male friends wanted to see such and such movie because such and such actress was "hot"! (Mostly even if it was obviously a terrible movie.) I find women perfectly attractive and still didn't understand it, because it is just such a blatantly male approach to women. This is going back to the early days of puberty, though while this particular movie didn't come out when I was a kid there is one that stands out to me the most as the perfect example: Into the Deep. The movie was a cash in at the height of Jessica Alba's popularity, and is notable for spending probably the first third of the movie doing nothing but showing her swimming around in a skimpy bikini. Male friends were to a person in awe of it. My only thought was "So... when is the movie going to start?". When I questioned people on why they were so enthralled, the only answer they had was a dumbfounded "Uhh, she's hot.", like I was crazy for asking.

OH! This just hit me right as I was about to post. One time as a teenager with friends, someone randomly started watching the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. And I was of course thinking more about the bras than the models wearing them. I remember making a comment to the effect of "Ohh, that bra is sexy", which was about as outspoken as I ever was on any sexuality, and getting a reply to the effect of "who cares, the girl is hot I'd rather see her without it". Me in my head: "But... the bra." How on earth I didn't realize I wanted it for myself I have no idea.

Ehhh I think that may just be a tiny bit sexist towards men. Obviously those were individuals who had little respect for women at the time.

[Roll]

Ehhh I think that may just be a tiny bit sexist towards men. Obviously those were individuals who had little respect for women at the time.

Not really sure what you mean since I was only referring to individuals, and teenagers nonetheless, didn't really say any of it was all men. (If you mean the "blatantly male approach to women" line, it was just an acknowledgement that it is a very stereotypical male behavior towards women. My point was only that I didn't connect with that teenage male mentality, and this was even among my fellow nerds, not exactly the popular jock types. Though yes, women do it too. If I had been among a group of girls and they had the same attitude towards men, I don't know what I would have felt or if I would have found a connection there or not, I never had the opportunity to find out.)

[Charlie Nicki]

That question, which I got at 12 or 13 also haunted me for decades.  I handled it the same as you.

Yeah, in my case I don't think it would have led to anything good anyways. The psychologist was terrible at her job, or so I thought, I had such a bad attitude and was pretty much rolling my eyes at her all the time and she started scolding me for it which I thought wasn't very professional. And I don't know how my parents would have handled hearing that I wanted to be a girl at 13, but I'm sure allowing transitioning wasn't an option, they probably didn't know anything about it. And I wasn't ready, I didn't know what was happening either.

[Allie24]

Not really sure what you mean since I was only referring to individuals, and teenagers nonetheless, didn't really say any of it was all men. (If you mean the "blatantly male approach to women" line, it was just an acknowledgement that it is a very stereotypical male behavior towards women. My point was only that I didn't connect with that teenage male mentality, and this was even among my fellow nerds, not exactly the popular jock types. Though yes, women do it too. If I had been among a group of girls and they had the same attitude towards men, I don't know what I would have felt or if I would have found a connection there or not, I never had the opportunity to find out.)

It was in regards to the "blatantly male" line. I am sure it wasn't your intention to generalize, but it's good to be conscious of what words are used. "Blatant," as I understand it, means "obvious."