Not sure how to make friends at this point

[FTMKyle]

So I recently had a visit with my doctor, a really great and patient guy, but he always wants to talk about my depression and anxiety. I guess it is his job to care, and I appreciate that, but he wants me to start taking meds, which I am reluctant to do so. He thinks it will help calm me down a bit so I can start making friends. He wants to see me with a friend or two by our next appointment.

The thing is, I have social anxiety, and I am very awkward and quiet around people, especially when I first meet them. My doctor says this is common with trans people, but I've only ever met one other trans guy with social anxiety. We tried being friends, but he only communicates through email, and I have a bad habit of neglecting my email. Similarly, the only way to get a hold of me is through text, and he doesn't own a phone. He canceled our last attempt to hang out, using his aunt coming to town as an excuse, and I admit I was a bit relieved. We haven't spoken since.

I am 34, and as I get older, the anxiety only gets worse. It is not so disabling that I can't work. Though interacting with coworkers and customers especially can be challenging. I have a tendency to run and hide when managers show up. And I rarely show up on this forum because I think what I write is stupid. I try sometimes, but then I scare myself away.

I just recently broke up with my boyfriend, a relationship that shouldn't have lasted as long as it did, 12 years, but both of us sort of felt there would be no one else. Now I feel I am doomed to be alone forever. My ex thought my anxiety was stupid. I heard that a lot when my nerves betrayed me. I was just being stupid. He wasn't the most supportive guy. I spent most of our relationship hiding my feelings and opinions from him for fear of ridicule. And if he didn't put me down for it, he would just ignore it. 

The worst part is that my sister and her boyfriend just moved to Alaska. Her boyfriend was my best friend, but he doesn't really talk to me anymore. He responds to my texts, but it's all superficial, and he never puts fourth any effort to stay in touch. I suspect he just grew tired of my problems with my ex. Neither he nor my sister could tolerate my ex, and for good reason. And I guess they couldn't understand why I was so reluctant to leave him even though I mentally checked out of the relationship a long time ago. My sister and I still talk, but like my doctor said, she comes with the package.

As for her boyfriend, he started his transition almost two years ago, and he really grew up and took on a lot of confidence. A stark difference from the shy kid I met 8 years ago who thought I was the big overprotective brother type. How did he even do that?   

Now I find myself sitting here wondering how I begin to make friends. I've tried to make plans with coworkers, but I always back out. Yeah, I'm that person. It just gets too hard. Suddenly these people, who have very real lives, are learning just how dull and painfully awkward I really am. I only get along with other introverts. Everyone else is offensive and pushy.

Nowadays, I sit at home with my cats, write stories I wish I was brave enough to publish, and I play video games. I work at a job I hate as a primal instinct to survive our modern society, too consumed by fear to venture towards something new.

If any of you have suggestions or similar experiences. Please share.

[Nina]

When I first came out, I too suffered from social anxiety. I joined meetup.com and found groups in my city with similar Interests. Every Tuesday we went to the movie theatre, and afterwards got together for pie and coffee to discuss the movie. I joined a euchre club and played every Saturday afternoon. Finally, I joined a local outdoors group who were into backpacking, hiking and camping. Everyone knew I was trans as I never disguised my voice...didn't care. But I was welcomed, never misgendered, nor ever an awkward moment.

Prior to coming out, on the surface, everyone saw me as an extrovert. I managed in excess of $1.8 billion for a leading mutual fund firm. All my time was attending conferences, meetings, flying here and there, stuck in airports etc. I had to attend sporting events to woo customers. I was always surrounded by people.
When my day ended, I would hunker down at home or in a hotel, sitting in the corner, lights off, and Having panic attacks.
I have no idea how I was able to switch the extrovert thing on...but I did.
It explains why my hubs and I are moving off grid before year end. Our prime location is a property where the nearest neighbor is miles away. I can feel the pain in my chest just thinking how I have an appointment with my stylist today. More people? Ugh!

[FTMKyle]

A hiking group would be something I would be interested in. I wonder if there is one in my area that caters only to trans people. Probably, I don't live too far from a huge LGBT community. Thanks for your reply, Nina!

[Nina]

No doubt Kyle, there'd be a group. What's awesome about meetup, it's not a dating site. There's no pressure. All it does is bring people together with similar interests.
Lol, my city has a philosophical meeting group at a pub, whereby one question about life is floated around, discussed, and lots of beers.

Hey, if you're near the Applachian trail, I'm looking for hiking buddies in 2018. Will I hike the entire 2,000+ miles? My heart and brain says yes! Lol, my 52 year old body says no.

[Elis]

I can relate. I've had social anxiety since I was around 8. And depression since I was around 16. I thought T would cure it but soon realised it wouldn't magically go away. Went on antidepressants for a few months which helped me cope but the side effects were awful. The biggest help was when I had CBT therapy last year for my social anxiety; which taught me good coping methods, to take things one step at a time;  as well as more importantly realising most if not all people have or still have social anxiety. It's just not talked about either bcos of stigma or people not realising or not wanting to admit they have a problem. And I suppose LGBTQ are less likely to admire they have a mental health issue bcos more so they'll be seen as crazy or unhinged. I still have bad anxiety but I can cope a lot more.  You may want to look into it. Some LGBT charities also offer therapy on a sliding scale depending on how much you can afford.

I've also found various transgender Facebook groups which help me to socialise more. To me fb offers more variety than the usual trans groups in my city.

[FTMKyle]

Nina: Wow! The Appalachian trail. That's got to be tough. Unfortunately I live in San Diego county. The toughest hike I've been on was when we hiked up to potato chip rock in Ramona, CA. Of all the things I am nervous about, I was completely cool with standing on a thin rock that hovers over the mountain side. My sister's BF however...we had to coax him on to the rock. lol. Anyway, good luck on your hike if you decide to do it.

Elis: I thought T would cure my SAD too. Alas, it just manifested in different ways. I've tried a couple of different antidepressants, but like you said, the side effects are awful. My doctor suggested a therapist he knows. When they called me I just wrote down the number and lost it.   

I might look into transgender FB groups. I never considered that.

[Roll]

I don't know if it matters that I'm mtf not ftm, but I can relate with a lot of what you said. (I'm also about the same age as you at 35, which I feel does have some impact on the issue of anxiety and making friends.) My anxiety disorders have ruled my life for the better part of 20 years, including with dealing with the trans issue. I wasn't even able to work because of social anxiety it was so bad, and was placed on social security disability. (Though I admittedly don't have the forum posting issue, and revel in my idiocy online. )

I hate it when people, be they doctors or family or whatever, say stuff like "You should make a friend". The truth is, no matter their training or intentions, they just don't understand it unless they have lived it.

My only friends (not online) are family, such as my step-brother and cousin. And ultimately that is mostly due to proximity, as while we may go grab food a lot or see the latest marvel movie, it's hard for me to develop any deeper true friendship as so many people seem to. Indeed, when my step brother left the area for about a year we spoke only once or twice. And in the cases I've had an opportunity to make more concrete friends that don't rest on simple proximity/familial connections, I always withdraw and shy away from it. For instance, in the case of long time online friends who I get along with great and would be perfect candidate to become a true friend, I explicitly avoid ever meeting up because I know in person I'm about the most awkward individual in the history of the world and would rather just have those untainted online interactions.

I honestly don't believe that anxiety meds help much with making friends regardless. I've taken my fair share over the years, and there is nothing that makes the anxiety go away, at least not for me, and it is more a matter that simply some meds help to numb it. They are a temporary solution, and friendship is a long term thing by its nature. I actually stopped taking SSRIs and other psychiatric meds for it years back, and instead stick to more effective means of dealing with the physical symptoms such as propanolol and clonapin--but they just prevent me from wanting to throw up and don't actually aid in socializing. Well, I mean, besides the not throwing up on people part of socializing.

[Devlyn]

Ease yourself into social scenes. Go to a museum, you'll be among people with no need to interact with them. Do more complex plans as you go and before you know it you're someone who's out and about. I'm into geocaching, it involves hiking and treasure finding. You're probably surrounded by geocaches.

Hugs, Devlyn

[WolfNightV4X1]

I've had crippling social anxiety throughout my school years and I still get some of it feeding into my adulthood which Im so worried will hold me back that I've lately been actively trying against it, as you'll read

Let me tell you, transitioning boosted my confidence so much, it was almost like a miracle cure. I felt more comfortable socially interacting as a guy than I ever did not. After that, it was all making an effort to change, getting better didnt happen by itself and I had to actively fight against the urge to avoid others or be very quiet.

I'm still quiet and I struggle with personal conversation (Luckily, most my coworkers are extroverts so it takes the weight off my shoulder, that, and we usually just discuss just work anyways), so my alternative is to put forth a friendly aura and ALWAYS respect everyone, even if you wouldnt be able to get along and have similar interests. Be interested in the fact that they have a life and are interesting and unique people on their own. Try to acknowledge and further ask questions when they speak to you. There's too much ignorance, apathy, and hatred, so the more you appear to understand and empathize with others and show you care, the more of an influence and relationship you build with them.

I wouldnt say you necessarily failed if you dont make friends at work, or have friends in general. As long as you're friendly and open to others everything will be alright. Making friends doesnt have to be a challenge or rush, just find groups that will make you happy or have shared interests.


You said you dont like your job? I think you should go to school, it may be weird, but there are plenty of two-year or short programs that you can work into your schedule. I know welding is a good paying degree, and you're mainly just fusing metal together and mainly keep to yourself.


And dont be afraid to make silly posts on the internet! It's the internet, nobody knows who you are and we expect to make some odd things here and there. Besides that, sites like this are built around a positive community so if you say anything off you'll be gently corrected rather then publically scorned.

[elkie-t]

I would suggest on being easy on your anxiety and stop 'trying to hang up with coworkers', etc. Focus on yourself, make yourself busy with hobbies, make yourself a someone who other people would want to be around.

Hiking or even backpacking is a good one. I found hikers to be quite open-minded people - hike your own hike, mind your own business.

Go for a gym, or better - martial arts. I particularly recommend Krav Maga, which was developed by Israelis for the needs of their army (taught similarly to both genders, is working well for smaller person against a bigger one, easy to see results after just a few months of dedicated training and teaching to deal with many situations).
A guy must be capable of defending himself.

Or do something else... as long as you don't spend evenings at your apartments alone - the right person would get into your life sooner or later.



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[Kylo]

I had severe social anxiety from a young age.

The only way to conquer it is to make yourself interact with people. You will learn that they are just people and 99% of the time they are not even looking at or thinking about you.

The more you socialize, the better you will get at it. There isn't any other healthy means of combating the problem. Using sedatives or drink etc. have been used by friends and it never turned out well for them; I never did the drugs or drinking to help me deal, I forced myself to deal with people until I no longer feared doing so.

I think we are probably consumed by fear in this society because we are too protected, we worry about words and not actions, we don't get out as much as older generations used to, nor have to do anything risky. If you truly want to overcome, you will find a way. I know I'm living proof someone can escape being practically mute from this thing and become as gregarious as anyone else.

[rmaddy]

Remember the old line:

"You would worry so much about what other people thought of you if you realized how seldom they did."

[FTMKyle]

Hey, I've heard that line before.

Anyway, a coworker invited me out with her and some other coworkers tonight. I felt kind of nervous as I considered accepting, but I didn't go mostly cuz I've got to wait until payday.

Also, thinking about joining a local FTM group the next time they meet. They just happen to meet on my day off twice a month.

[Kreuzfidel]

Wow - reading your post could have been me reading my own story.

I definitely feel your struggle.  I was that person.  I'm the guy at work that never shows up to the parties he's invited to.  I used to feel guilty about it.  Now, meh.

It's hard trying to believe that others can genuinely enjoy our company and think well of us when we have a negative image of ourselves.  I discuss this often with my therapist.  It's the same sort of struggle when we fail at job applications - selling yourself as this amazing person when you think of yourself as a complete bore is just plain difficult.

I have conflicted thoughts on this issue of "making friends".  Obviously, everyone is different and your needs will not be the same as my own or anyone else's, so my words are meant as more of a different perspective.

First of all, I will state that human connection can be important.  But it doesn't have to be about having "friends" and "hanging out".  Human connection can also mean interacting online or with family.  I never understood why it seemed so important for others to force themselves to be surrounded by as many non-family "friends" as possible.  Of course, some people enjoy this.  Some people make friends easily and don't find it "hard work".  I, on the other hand, find it to be "hard work" and unnecessary for my well-being.

Psychologists, etc. always seemed to push the "social connection" agenda on me when I was depressed or struggling in some way.  It often seemed to me that they believed that having "friends" would solve a great many of my issues.  And this is one of those things that makes sense for certain individuals whose needs would be met by such interactions. 

But what I'm saying is that I don't believe that it's always the right thing to do to force yourself to socialise in the hopes of overcoming some kind of life obstacle.  I used to do this, as directed by my psychologists, and it did nothing but trigger my PTSD, my social anxiety and left me feeling mentally and physically drained after.  It was not worth it. 

I channeled my energy, instead, into my hobbies, online interactions (yes, you can have meaningful friendships online), relationships with family and things that actually interested me and made me feel well and whole and my overall mental and physical condition improved exponentially.

I'm not saying this is what you should or shouldn't do.  By all means, I would recommend that you follow the direction of your mental health specialist as they know you and your personal situation best.  But it's just a slightly different way of looking at things.

[Amadeus]

Social anxiety here. Well, general anxiety, really. And depression. PTSD. Possibly neurodivergent. Fighting a SSDI claim again. 36yo on Sunday, so we're kinda in the same age category.

I'll be honest, most of my friends are people I met through the Interwebs. I've been using OKCupid off and on for probably fifteen years. Haven't gone on many dates, but made a handful of good friends. They're pretty damn progressive, too. I'm listed as a queer demisexual pansexual transman [when my profile is active, anyway.] Hell, I've made a few friends through Scruff and Growlr.

The best part? I can ghost anyone I don't like, keep the ones I do like, and it's up to me if I decide to meet up with someone IRL. Hooray for introversion!

So, maybe that's an option? Mostly I'd recommend you look for Trans groups near you on Facebook [most are smart enough to be closed/secret groups]. You'll find some cool friends there and you'll be in good company.

[The Flying Lemur]

I have my share of social anxiety.  Especially if I'm feeling depressed, I'll often start feeling like everybody secretly doesn't want me around.  One thing I do to get out is volunteer.  If I'm helping people accomplish something, I feel like I'm contributing and therefore wanted.  That makes it a lot easier for me to relax and be myself. 

[FTMKyle]

So here is an update on the whole SA thing and trying to make friends. It's hard. And I don't mean just because I have Social anxiety. I mean it is hard to get people to hang out. I had 2 coworkers cancel plans. And I understand their reasoning. We were supposed to go to Knots Scary Farm, but no one could afford it, and that's fine. Public places don't bother me as long as I am with people I know. I also invited a guy on FB I know to a local FTM group. He said if nothing comes up between now and then he would be interested. And I also invited the the other guy I know with social anxiety, but I never heard from him. I thought I would email him again and let him know he was still invited, or that we could just hang out in a less crowded place. Then I sat there wondering if it was even worth trying to be his friend since he ignored me. Then I wondered if people think the same about me.

Anyway, I think I will still email him and let him know we can still hang out. I know how tough it can be, and he deserves a friend too.   

[Roll]

Then I sat there wondering if it was even worth trying to be his friend since he ignored me. Then I wondered if people think the same about me.

Anyway, I think I will still email him and let him know we can still hang out. I know how tough it can be, and he deserves a friend too.

That's always the fun part, trying to sort out who else is just being anxious and who is just being plain inconsiderate. I know there have been a few times I begged off or outright ignored someone when I actually did want to do something because of my anxiety, and I'm sure that came across like I was being rude and just didn't want to hang out with them.

[elkie-t]

So here is an update on the whole SA thing and trying to make friends. It's hard. And I don't mean just because I have Social anxiety. I mean it is hard to get people to hang out. I had 2 coworkers cancel plans. And I understand their reasoning. We were supposed to go to Knots Scary Farm, but no one could afford it, and that's fine. Public places don't bother me as long as I am with people I know. I also invited a guy on FB I know to a local FTM group. He said if nothing comes up between now and then he would be interested. And I also invited the the other guy I know with social anxiety, but I never heard from him. I thought I would email him again and let him know he was still invited, or that we could just hang out in a less crowded place. Then I sat there wondering if it was even worth trying to be his friend since he ignored me. Then I wondered if people think the same about me.

Anyway, I think I will still email him and let him know we can still hang out. I know how tough it can be, and he deserves a friend too.

Hi Kyle. Fishing is also hard. You cast your bait over and over, yet there is no fish... Guess what - the more you cast, the more difference you introduce in your strategies (time of day, place, presentation, etc), and sheer perseverance day after another unsuccessful day, attempt after another failed attempt - that is what lands you a fish. Life is not fair and not supposed to be easy, and you start with a huge disadvantage, but as long as you refuse to take a defeat, you will get to your goal.

[PurpleWolf]

Relieving to hear so many others suffer from same problems...!

I've always been social by character but don't feel like interacting with people coz they can't see me as the 'true me'  .

I don't know how to introduce myself and make them see I'm a guy - coz I don't look like it  ! I can't force people to see me as something they don't see me as - but I don't feel like interacting if I'm constantly referred to as a 'woman'...!

I also have a tendency to feel people will start easily hating on me for no reason. (Due to many nasty life experiences...!)

This is an interesting topic - keep posting guys!

And remember this:
Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.