Support? I think? Maybe?

[Star.atlas.]

Hey 

I'm having a butt load of trouble here trying to figure out what actual support is. It seems like something so simple but I can't place it with how my Dad and sister act. My therapist and I have both agreed that my sister isn't really being supportive, more like tolerant? Or more like indifferent? Despite insisting... Intensely that she is. Its like I don't feel like they really are but they get really offended when I question it. Like the vibe of them really saying, "of course I'm supporting you! How dare you think I'm not!" Like when I felt dysphoria yesterday and my dad said things like, you're having surgery in (more than) a month and you're still depressed? And literally said "do you know how lucky you are to even be able to get this done? Seriously, I get it, not everyone can transtiton like I can but when I'm crying under my sheets that's not something that's going to make me feel better. He never says anything like, it'll be fine, you can do this, hang in there, or anything akin to "you're my son". I told him straight up that (after him saying, "I get it, you don't wanna be a girl anymore") that I AM NOT A GIRL. No yelling, during any of this, just me staring straight at him and stating that I am not a girl. Somewhere in there, after I said that, he said, "I'm not getting into this with you." I told him goodnight and he left angrily.

I am SO confused, and sad and so much crap! Is this support? Occasional support like when I got my surgery date and he said that's good (though a bit underwhelming), am I expecting too much? I told one of my aunt's once and she cried and hugged me and was excited. I know dads aren't really emotional but I know him and this doesn't feel right or like support. When he said he was going to bring me to surgery, stay there, and bring me back instead of going to work I was legit shocked.

My head is spinning, and I have therapy today, thank all the gods, but I still wanted to ask here it's just too confusing.

Kiba

[Elis]

Your dad sounds similar to mine. I came out; he said he was supportive then said some trans phobic stuff. After weeks of him still misgendering me and me saying how it made me feel; he stopped. I get it takes a while to get used to my new name but he wouldn't even say sorry or correct himself; unlike my relatives who do this. Now he won't mention anything transition related unless I bring it up; still asks slightly uncomfortable about the whole thing and won't apologise for the things he said in the past. To me this isn't support; it's tolerance.  The way LGBT people are portayed in the media its shown we are expected to be grateful for this kind of fake support and tolerance. But in reality it's not the same as genuine support. Which is encouragement and understanding. You deserve better and not to just put up with it. Even if your dad like mine does the occasional nice thing it doesn't make up for the other times he's made you feel; with no acknowledgment on his part of what he's done or sympathy for how his words and actions have effected you.

[Artesia]

Please remember that he has years, if not decades, of calling you something else to transition from.  My dad increased the use of "son" after I told him.  I've talked to him about it, and had mom help, to which he will stop, for a while.  He is doing what he can, and fighting his own emotions about it, and trying to support you.  Men are clumsy when it comes to emotional support.  Give him time.

[Star.atlas.]

Both of your experiences feel familiar, thanks I'm hoping to talk to him with my therapist there and hope things go well. Fingers crossed, knock on wood, and such.

[Tommie_9]

I've thought a lot about this, too. By my definition, not to be a Tommie downer, you aren't describing "support." I've decided based on my experience that there are three levels, from "sucks but isn't killing me," to real great. I'm not including outright rejection, since that's obvious.

"Tolerance" happens when someone tells me they have compassion for me and don't say they hate me and never want to see me again. But when I probe them with questions I find they are trans-phobic in general, but they don't direct that negative energy or speech toward me. Tolerance isn't much better than rejection, but it could be worse.

"Acceptance" happens when someone tells me "It's okay who you are. I still love you. I support you." Well, no, they aren't supporting me when they say "its okay" and use the word "still." They aren't supporting me when they start communicating with me less often.

"Support" is wanting to learn more about my experience, telling me they are going to call me by whatever name and pronoun I want to use, telling me their only worry is for my safety, and including me presenting as a trans woman in their activities. Out of all my family and friends, I have one brother, his wife and their grown children who actually support me. For example, they bought a ticket for me and asked me to tailgate with them at a college football game next Saturday. I will be a fully decked out, accessorized, A-cup bra wearing, fan girl.

It sounds like your dad is starting to come around though. Be patient and give everyone in your life some time to adjust. Sometimes it takes a long time, but it happens. Hoping things get better for you.

[Charlene2017]

As a dad to a trans daughter I feel I can understand where your dad is coming from, so please don't get angry or upset with me as this is what I went through.  Also remember, I have been trans my whole life (51 years...) so I thought if anyone would understand it and be supportive, I would...wrong.

I am sorry if using mixed gender terms here is wrong but this is how I remember everything and still trying to understand it all myself.  Both my wife and I use the proper pronouns with our daughter but for this it'll be easier with mixed pronouns.

When my son was born I was on-top of the world.  His first day in the world, I would walk him up/down the hallway in the hospital as the walking and the lights seemed to have calmed him down.  He was a very difficult birth.  After 35+ hours of labour they took my wife into an OR to get prep'd for a C-section...WTF?  In the OR they wanted to try the salad tongs (that was the name we gave them...) as his head was sideways.  This was after they tried the suctions machine to pull him out.  Once they used the tongs on his head...POP...he was out.  They announced he was a health little boy.  My wife was a little upset as she didn't get to see the birth because of the cover in case of C-section.  Back to the hallway...I thanked God that my little guy was healthy and strong and prayed that he wouldn't be like me.  That'd he'd be happy as a male.

Watching him grow-up was one of the best things I have enjoyed in my life (along with his younger brother and sister who came later...).  He was a lot like me...very smart...loved planes...but no imagination.  Everything was matter of fact.  Once I tried to play alligators in the living room with him and to jump on the couch with me.  He looks at me like I am on drugs and says "Dad, alligators can't live in Canada as it is too cold for them and we live on the 7 floor!".  WTF?  I am being schooled by a 2 year old kid.  You're 2...use your imagination...

He got into BMX racing the older he got...like me.  He joined cadets and made it to the second highest rank you can get in cadets and has his glider pilots wings from them.  We talked about joining the Canadian Armed Forces and flying for them.  So now I had dreams of him becoming what I always wanted and dreamed of.  Even one day watching an airshow and him flying for the Snowbirds and the announcer saying that Capt. XXXX is a hometown boy and his parents are here today watching.

Then came the night of the BIG reveal..."Mom, Dad, you know how you said I could tell you anything."  Yes..."Well, I want to be a girl!".  BOOM!!!  My first thought was how PO'd I was at God (but that is for another time...).  My wife and I looked at each other and just replied with "Okay, are you sure?".  From there I got him into see the 2 doctors I do...one for the mental side...the other for hormones.

Okay, so now we have a daughter...my son is gone...my dreams are gone...how do I look at her knowing that she has taken my son away? Please don't be mad at me as that is how I felt and shouldn't have as I am just like her (mind you in the closet except for my wife knowing...).  What is she going to do now?  What is the future going to be for her?  Will people laugh at her/want to hurt her/treat her like crap? (you know all the stuff we worry about for ourselves coming out...).  The big difference...this is my child...somebody I am supposed to take care of/defend/protect.  I know as parents we can't protect them from everything but being trans is a lot harder than being cis...

In the end, we try to be supportive and hope we are but it is difficult from our point of view.  It has really opened my eyes to what my wife is going through with me when she first was told years ago and even now that I have started.  As the parents we worry about saying the wrong thing or doing something that will offend as we don't totally understand what you are dealing with.  You get upset if we as parents hold on to old pictures of you because you don't like the old you but we do.  We can't erase what we did with you.  We can't erase those long nights in the hospital because of asthma attacks or long nights when sick.  Even all the good memories...playing...coming home from work and becoming a canvas for your water colours (I looked so funny with paint all over my face and upper body...).

Give him a chance.  Remember, he is losing what you use to be and has to get use to the new you.  Things will be different.  I notice that with my 10 year old daughter.  My relationship with her is way different than I was with the 2 boys when they were her age. 

Sorry this turned into a long post.  If you'd like to talk more about it, feel free to PM me.

Charlene

[DawnOday]

Check the links and wikis above. They have lots of info you can use, including letters to parents, family, friends. Research papers. I have found it is very helpful as most of the people have not a clue what we go through. Slowly they are beginning to understand how I was pre destined to be a transwoman due to things that occured while I was in the womb. The light is getting brighter but there are still a few holdouts. All my family members are supportive but don't go out of their way. It is frustrating but keep your cool. The best thing is to make sure they have as much education on the subject you can muster.  I guess I look at things different because my most pressing concern is that my kids are happy and healthy. They are not living for me. I chose my path and although I have known all my life, 66 years that I was misgendered. The resouces were not existant when I was a child, slowly emerging as I reached my thirty's. You know who really encourged me? Not Caitlyn. No, the person that inspired me was Jazz Jennings. I felt that if a youngster can be that commited why can't I. It led me here and I have been learning so much from the fantastic people here. Best of luck with Dad.

[Denise]

I've thought a lot about this, too. By my definition, not to be a Tommie downer, you aren't describing "support." I've decided based on my experience that there are three levels, from "sucks but isn't killing me," to real great. I'm not including outright rejection, since that's obvious.

"Tolerance" happens when someone tells me they have compassion for me and don't say they hate me and never want to see me again. But when I probe them with questions I find they are trans-phobic in general, but they don't direct that negative energy or speech toward me. Tolerance isn't much better than rejection, but it could be worse.

"Acceptance" happens when someone tells me "It's okay who you are. I still love you. I support you." Well, no, they aren't supporting me when they say "its okay" and use the word "still." They aren't supporting me when they start communicating with me less often.

"Support" is wanting to learn more about my experience, telling me they are going to call me by whatever name and pronoun I want to use, telling me their only worry is for my safety, and including me presenting as a trans woman in their activities. Out of all my family and friends, I have one brother, his wife and their grown children who actually support me. For example, they bought a ticket for me and asked me to tailgate with them at a college football game next Saturday. I will be a fully decked out, accessorized, A-cup bra wearing, fan girl.

It sounds like your dad is starting to come around though. Be patient and give everyone in your life some time to adjust. Sometimes it takes a long time, but it happens. Hoping things get better for you.

This is, IMHO, a good description of what I've been struggling to put into words.  Thanks.

Please remember that you have had a long time to think about this.  Others have not.  It will take time.  But the biggest thing I've come to realize is that straight cis-people have nothing to ground your experience in.  Our job is to try to help them understand but never criticize their lack of understanding.

Bad: 'you just don't understand. When you say xxx it hurts me.'
Better: 'when you say xxx I hear/feel yyy'

What I've learned is not to point out their lack of knowledge in the subject but rather just tell them what is going on in your head.

It's hard to move people from one of the groups that Tommie pointed out to a better one.  But if they love you you have a chance.


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[Kylo]

It sounds like tolerance rather than support. But at the end of the day we can't make other people support us, or accept us. It's preferable to intolerance though, they may come around in time.