Help - Grieving as a Guy

[November Fox]

So I discovered that grieving, death, and loss, is way different as a man on T.

I used to experience all these sweeping emotions. Lots of crying, lots of despair, and thinking the world was ending. I´m much more "together" now (not implying that girls are not together, just my way of saying that I feel more collected).

However I also feel less. I feel less of those intense emotions and more of other emotions, like frustration, and anger, and then more frustration. And inadequacy, for only being able to experience frustration. It´s all new to me, and I´m not alone. (I did a search, apparently this is a normal male way of handling grief).

For those of you who experienced a loss on testosterone - can you tell me if it was different, and if yes, how did you deal with the difference.

[Roll]

I feel like an interloper in the ftm section but the posts all show up in the same unread since last visit list. :| But I thought maybe I can offer something to this thread at least...

(I want to stress the following is extremely anecdotal of my own experience and speaks mostly of generalities, though I believe it does typically hold true.) While I cannot offer you a direct comparison, I can say that as someone who has experienced a profound loss while under the effects of testosterone (my mother's death to cancer with me as the primary caretaker) that in general it isn't that you (or at least I) don't feel as much as it is readily apparent people who are living under female hormones do, simply that it is more difficult to access those emotions. The emotions come, oh believe me they come, but there is no gradual release. The result is that the emotions tend to be more explosive. Essentially, there's a reason you see those melodramatic scenes in movies where a stoic guy just loses it and starts punching a wall (or even a person), or you see them break down entirely and go full on fetal position. It's beyond frustrating, and probably one of my personal biggest senses of dysphoria even before I admitted to myself I was transgender. You know you need that release, you need to grieve... but you just can't.

(And sometimes it can take years and multiple events to build up and really reach that explosive point, so it's not even as simple as each "individual grief" coming to a head.)

[Contravene]

I lost two pets, one I'd had for about 7 years, a year or so into starting T. I knew T had changed the way I handled my emotions but I was surprised by how quickly and how drastically it had changed the way I grieved.

Before T I would have gone off the deep end and become extremely depressed because when I had grieved before my thoughts would become repetitive and I would feel guilty as if there was something I could have done to keep the things I loved alive or bring them back somehow. So I definitely experienced the feelings of inadequacy before T but after T it seemed like it was easier to process and accept death. I was able to separate my feelings of genuine sadness from the irrational feelings of despair and hopelessness depression causes which let me feel the sadness without it spiraling into a depression. It was a relief to be able to feel my emotions without having to worry about them causing anxiety and getting out of control. My grieving process was much more private and subtle although I can't say it was shorter since, not to sound sappy but, in my heart I still grieve the losses but I'm able to acknowledge the sadness then let it go.

As for anger, I didn't experience any when my pets died but my parents had a little cat that I loved so much who escaped from the house on Thanksgiving last year and was hit by a car. I have so much anger for the person who hit her that it physically hurts sometimes if I think about it too much. The person just left her on the side of the road to die and during the holidays no less. Normally, I would forgive an accident but not under those circumstances. I don't think a person who would do such a thing deserves to ever live happily or comfortably so I would make them pay dearly for our loss. I'm kind of glad I don't know who it was and probably will never find out for my own sake. I could also be extra sensitive about the cat's death because when I was a kid there were animal abusers who would torment the animals and pets in my neighborhood and they tried to kill my cat a few times. I guess that could have more to do with me feeling so vengeful because I am able to stop myself from ruminating on my anger and accept that there isn't anything I can do now.

My anger and frustration have generally become more explosive since starting T. I'm more ready to actually act on those emotions rather than just feeling them like I would during a normal grieving process. For the most part though I'm now able to control my emotions rather than letting them control me and that's a relief.

[November Fox]

The emotions come, oh believe me they come, but there is no gradual release. The result is that the emotions tend to be more explosive. Essentially, there's a reason you see those melodramatic scenes in movies where a stoic guy just loses it and starts punching a wall (or even a person), or you see them break down entirely and go full on fetal position. It's beyond frustrating, and probably one of my personal biggest senses of dysphoria even before I admitted to myself I was transgender. You know you need that release, you need to grieve... but you just can't.

This really helped. On some level I feel "wrong" for not feeling as many emotions as before, but it makes sense when you say the emotions are there (but I can´t access them as easily). This whole week has been and up-and-down of being cool and then suddenly feeling angry.

Thank you.

I knew T had changed the way I handled my emotions but I was surprised by how quickly and how drastically it had changed the way I grieved.

It´s really mindblowing. To be honest I did not expect a difference this big. I kind of thought that men and women grieved in more or less the same way (except men did not show it as much). I am kind of wishing I had been more prepared 

The person just left her on the side of the road to die and during the holidays no less.

Geez, what an ass that must´ve been...

[Kylo]

A peripheral relative died a few months ago, although it was not someone especially close. To be honest, the last time I cried at a funeral I was nine when I didn't understand death, and there had been several since then I did not feel happy showing emotion at so I didn't. One was a death of a schoolfriend aged nineteen and the other a close relative who was murdered. I remember being sad at the former but not wanting to show emotion, and at the latter I was feeling almost nothing but rage and being forced to suppress all of that at the funeral (there was a police presence there).

When it comes to loss I tend not to be visibly affected even before T, and since T... well, even less affected emotionally. My first experience of death of someone else at nine made a significant impact - it was my grandfather taking six months to die of lung cancer in his bed. The way people have died in my experience left little to the imagination and as a result I suppose I decided to come up with a way of looking at all death that would leave me as affected as little as possible. Not closing myself off from it, but basically accepting that it's a part of things and is inevitably something I will have to deal with down the line. Since T, I can not only do this but decide whether or not I want to let emotions in to be felt, which is preferable to them coming and going without warning. There's nothing wrong with not being emotional, provided you are still aware of everything and of the appropriate actions you have to take in a situation. Frankly I'm glad I don't have to deal with the amount of excessive emotionality I had as a kid. In a stressful situation like a funeral, the detachment does help matters; you can decide better when, where and how to feel a sense of loss.

[Rowena_Ellenweorc]

I'm pre-everything, but naturally occuring higher levels of T.  For me, my emotions, its just a complicated mess.  I'm actually really sensitive, I feel things deeply, which people say is a rather feminine way of doing things.  But the way I express my emotions, that is to say... I don't really or I'd just rather punch a wall and be done, tends to be more masculine. For me though, I don't associate it so much with my gender, but with the experiences I lived with. 

Growing up in foster care, and with very 'its my way or the highway' type parents after being adopted, I learned that having emotions of my own is bad. The only way to protect yourself is not to express them.  And if on the rare chance I do express them, well, lets just say, I will always be wrong, so I just end up saying, 'Fine, its just me being dumb and stupid and messed up again. Move on.'

So when it comes to grief? Yeah... I feel it. But no one would know by looking at me, simply because I plaster a smile on my face and act like everything is okay when its not.

[Kreuzfidel]

So I discovered that grieving, death, and loss, is way different as a man on T.

I used to experience all these sweeping emotions. Lots of crying, lots of despair, and thinking the world was ending. I´m much more "together" now (not implying that girls are not together, just my way of saying that I feel more collected).

However I also feel less. I feel less of those intense emotions and more of other emotions, like frustration, and anger, and then more frustration. And inadequacy, for only being able to experience frustration. It´s all new to me, and I´m not alone. (I did a search, apparently this is a normal male way of handling grief).

For those of you who experienced a loss on testosterone - can you tell me if it was different, and if yes, how did you deal with the difference.

Unfortunately, I've had to deal with the loss of my grandmother, aunt and my mother within a 3-year period starting from the year I began T.

Needless to say, I suffered internally more than I did externally. 

The T removed the ability for me to cry freely - this is something that I can personally attribute to fact in my own individual situation. 

As for the emotions - I often have to sit down and listen to certain songs in order to start the tears flowing so that I can "feel".  Unfortunately, it's difficult for me to say what part of my grieving process (or the inability to have a consistent one) is due to T or due to my PTSD.

[Wolf Man]

25yo, 6+ years on T now. Lost my dad 2 years and 7 months ago.

My emotions are messed on T. I used to be a blubbering mess like my sister. We would cry when we got passionate or angry, if things were tugging at our heart and ->-bleeped-<-, just easily moved. I am not some stoic emotionless robot, but I can more easily not cry.

I've always had an anger streak, and while I am in more control of that now I will definitely have explosive outbursts when it's too much. Stress, anxiety, emotional pain all lead to outbursts of anger. I also feel deeper pain when I come across situations that mark me as inadequate either in my mind or reality.

When my dad died I cried. I definitely held back, but I openly cried for the most part. When I got home I sat in the bathroom and just let loose. There was so much regret. It was very relieving really to actually let my pain manifest like this. Sometimes I have feelings and I just want to cry, but it's like a reflex to hold back.

So yes my emotions changed on T. Emotions are less variable and more set to the extremes. It is something I continue to deal with and so I don't have any real advice on that front other than to take notice of any patterns or consistency so that you are better prepared for emotional situations.

Try to be productive with outbursts, go outside and break a tree branch, beat the dirt, go for a run, lift some weights. Don't be let yourself destroy your things that matter to you. Also let yourself cry, like intensely, even if it's locked in a bathroom with your face smothered in a towel. It will help to let them out so they stop stewing inside you.

[Roll]

Try to be productive with outbursts, go outside and break a tree branch, beat the dirt, go for a run, lift some weights. Don't be let yourself destroy your things that matter to you. Also let yourself cry, like intensely, even if it's locked in a bathroom with your face smothered in a towel. It will help to let them out so they stop stewing inside you.

This is a good point to mention. Again, this is largely anecdotal and stereotypical, but I believe it is legitimately common enough to warrant mention. It is easier for men (rather I should say, those under the influence of T) to cry in private. This seems as though it would be a culturally learned thing, but I'm not so sure since it is fairly ubiquitous. If you find a place you feel secure in private (as Wolf Man mentioned with the bathroom), it can be a lot easier to let the tears flow. For me, it was at night when I was alone in my room. BUT, and this is important, you have to be very careful you don't let this turn into truly completely grieving in private. Even if you can only bring yourself to tears alone, you need to make sure to discuss your emotions with others in the light of day. Solely private grieving is a recipe for disaster, and why so many men have so many issues that have just never been properly dealt with (leading to anger problems, alcoholism, etc.). The resistance to therapy (I was very, very guilty of this), the resistance to just talking in general... all of it comes naturally with testosterone, and it is a behavior that is easy to just find yourself trapped by.

The physical cathartic releases also do help many (was never my personal outlet, possibly related to my own mtf status and I stuck to the grieve intensely alone routine), but can't replace therapy or talking your feelings out with family or friends for a long term solution. Too many men feel that temporary relief (and it is temporary) and just assume they are better.

[David27]

I think my emotions are more staggered. When my dog was given away I was a mess pre T for a day or so. I was also slightly depressed for a week or so. On T both of my grandparents died this year and initially when I learned that they were going to die (both had sudden health declines over 7 day periods) I had a strong emotional response for an hour or so. I randomly deal with the emotions regarding losing them and haven't had any related depression. Overall a much better process for me on T.