I feel so much pain

[rose]

I have no better way to describe it
I'm in so much pain

I have been on female hormones ( self medication because it's illegal to transition here )  for many years now but I still cannot live or dress as woman because of my country laws and my strict religion family

I'm forced against my well to live as guy 24/7
And the only place I can dress and put make up is my room in secret

I spent so much time in my room I never want to leave it
My dysphoria increase everytime I take my female clothes or my make up and force my self to dress guys clothes

I feel so much pain I cry and I hate all the reasons that force me to live like this

Because when I'm in my room i become my true self as soft feminine girl but when I'm out I force my self to take role that give me great agony

I look like fem boy in guys clothes I never fit in I'm only force to do that so I will not be killed
Even so I still get all the transphobic and homophobic acts you can imagine
From my family , people , police , religious police , everyone !

The other day I was walking in the street going to buy some medication because I'm sick I was dressing as boy and car stopped and there were guys they offer to give me a ride I said no thanks
Then they try to force me to enter the car so they can rape me I cried and tried to scream I could not because I'm sick and my voice is so weak
I only get away because I throw up in their car when they forced me to enter

This is not the first time something like this happens with me

The scary part I cannot go to police and told them because they will look at me and consider me a feminine gay and put me in jail instead

I have been raped multi times one of them by one of my family member who I trust and told him about someone who gang raped me with his friends after I told him I'm transgender ( I feel so so pain talking about this thing and I'm crying writing this )

I suffered so much
Even my dad tried to kill me
And he always always threat me since I was little child
He even point a gun at me when I was 7 or 5 because I acted feminine

I cannot be myself as girl and I face danger even when I dress as guy

I want to scream HELP HELP but I know no one will lsn

I only find comfort in my little room where I can be myself for little while before I suffer again

I hide my make up and dresses and hormones because the last time my family found it I was almost killed

I cannot live without them I feel they my only comfort I have but I suffer from great dysphoria and pain when I have to take them off

I don't want to I cry every time

I wish I can go out as woman but this mean death by honor kill or arrest and facing torture and humiliation they even inject with male hormone " to fix it " as they said

Dressing as woman or not I'm not safe from being arrest and facing that terror
Because it's so obvious that I'm not a guy

Here they treat transgenders and gays in the same bad ways and it's even worst for transgender because no matter how trans person try to hide it from them it's obvious specially if on hrt
Unlike manly gays who can hide their sexuality when they need to do that

My salvation and I really call it a salvation is running away
And I'm planing to do it for years now and finally my chance is near

I'm just terrified that something happen or the country I'm running to will return me back

I will prefer they kill me as free woman before they send me back to this hell

I'm from the other half who you may hear or read stories about
I want to say nothing you hear or read can describe the terror I'm living in
Me and so many other trans too

I want voice where I can talk and speak the truth about how I'm suffering me and so many trans

The government here monitor all the social media and every app you can imagine

And last year they discuss to do law to kill LGBT people who talk about their situation on social media


If I killed or arrest at least I want the world to know my story my suffering my pain

I did not choose to be trans or to be born here

I know I'm not the only one who suffer here

I know you maybe cannot help me

But this is my scream


CAN SOMEONE PLEASE HEAR ME IM IN SO MUCH PAIN . . .

[HappyMoni]

Rose,
   I can't imagine how awful this must be for you. I am so sorry for what has happened to you. I only hope you can find a way out. I'm afraid that all I can offer is that I do hear your pain. I am rooting for you to escape and be able to be you.

With Love,
Moni

[Artesia]

I hear your pain.  Your story made me cry, and cringe.  I wish for you the escape you so desperately need.  I don't know where you are going, but I hope you can get there. 

[IzzyC]

Can you get to the American embassy or whatever and ask for asylum?

[rose]

No it's very dangerous
One of my friend went to human rights in my country my government agents know about her and arrest her and torture her a lot
They only let her go after her father promise that she will turn into man and married a woman ( she attracted to men only )
Her sister told me about what happens with her and they asked her about names one of them was mine ( the chosen name not the legal name ) they did not know it nor have picture of me
This happened with her and trans man she went to the human right with to talk about our situations ( trans girls and trans man )
They both arrested and faced torture and they both disappeared after that

That why I change my chosen name to rose and disappear fearing for my safety I will not dear to talk about my situation in local website or social media or going to any embassy while I still in my country

I'm only talking here after I made sure that my safety and location is hiding and I don't give any personal informations about me nor the country I'm in

Here it's the only place where I tell the world about this hell on earth

[N A]

Not gonna lie, this was a tough read. I wish I could do something to ease your pain.

As a someone coming from pretty much the opposite direction, what with my gender identity, upbringing and culture I was born into, I can't begin to imagine how hard it must be for you. But I feel for you and I guess just wanted to stop by and say at least something after reading your story, even if I'm not sure what exactly to say.

Anyways. I hear you and I hope you will find a way out, safe and sound. And I want you to know I admire your attitude, too. You've been through hell yet seems you have been able to stay true to yourself and are not giving up, regardless of all the bad stuff. So please, keep that. You're not alone.

Wishing you all the best.

[rose]

I escape to safety in Europe


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Laurie]

Yay! Rose,

  I am so glad to hear you have made it to somewhere that should be safe for you. Your story touched my heart. I cannot imagine the hell you have had to endure in your own country.

  Congratulations on your escape.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[Christy Lee]

Im glad you are safe now

I hope your life will be happier now