Sudden onset of doubt after starting hormones?

[Silly-Go-Round]

Henlo friends, just joined up a few minutes ago. I've been questioning my gender identity for a long, long period of time. 4~ year ago saw a therapist for it but back out because depressed teenager and she wanted me to do the year living as a woman before writing a letter etc. Well, dysphoria came back with a vengeance several months ago and I got a new therapist, she helped me a whole lot and I started hormones 1 week ago today. Now, all of a sudden I'm starting to feel like, doubts that this is for me at times? I go through ebbs and flows of "Wow I want nothing less then to go full time asap and this feels great to know that I'm taking the steps in my life to make myself happy." and then a couple hours later questions just start creeping into the edge of my mind about how if this is really whats right for me. I start to feel just, doubt. Crippling, all encompassing doubt. I was really wondering if this was a common thing that other mtfs have experienced? I am scared to tell my therapist of this because I don't want her to like, alert my doctor or whatever but I dont even know if thats a possibility. Thank you friends.

[Denise]

I would be surprised if most of us didn't feel exactly the same after we started hormones.

Here's my theory, you've never felt what it's like to not feel gender dysphoria.  The quiet peaceful feeling you get when the mind is feeling good.  So you feel as though you've solved the issue, no more dysphoria.  I don't need this.

So you consider stopping.  I did stop.  It almost ruined my life completely.   I started back up two months later and have not looked back.  I feel better today than ever.

You will have days that you feel good and some not so good.  Expect it. 

If you stop, be careful because your mind has experienced what I call "rightness" and depriving it off that could be challenging.

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[Bari Jo]

I don't know if it's normal, but I found the same thing happened to me.  It's one reason why this is my third time attempting to transition.  What I noticed is when on e my disphoria dropped to almost nothing.  Then the changes were so slow that you have a lot of time to be manic and think.  Doubt can creep in and boom, you start questioning.  I'd talk it out with your therapist.  I wish I stuck to it my first time, I didn't have a therapist and know it would have helped.

Bari Jo

[Silly-Go-Round]

I would be surprised if most of us didn't feel exactly the same after we started hormones.

Here's my theory, you've never felt what it's like to not feel gender dysphoria.  The quiet peaceful feeling you get when the mind is feeling good.  So you feel as though you've solved the issue, no more dysphoria.  I don't need this.

So you consider stopping.  I did stop.  It almost ruined my life completely.   I started back up two months later and have not looked back.  I feel better today than ever.

You will have days that you feel good and some not so good.  Expect it. 

If you stop, be careful because your mind has experienced what I call "rightness" and depriving it off that could be challenging.

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Well that is reassuring, and right when I started them thats what It felt like, quiet and peaceful. Like everything was right. I suppose I'm probably just jumping the gun on things too quickly since I've not been on them very long. I guess right this moment I don't want to stop but I also feel like, the magic of day one isn't there?? so I'm coming down from a high a bit maybe. I'm not sure. Thank you, very much though.

[Silly-Go-Round]

I don't know if it's normal, but I found the same thing happened to me.  It's one reason why this is my third time attempting to transition.  What I noticed is when on e my disphoria dropped to almost nothing.  Then the changes were so slow that you have a lot of time to be manic and think.  Doubt can creep in and boom, you start questioning.  I'd talk it out with your therapist.  I wish I stuck to it my first time, I didn't have a therapist and know it would have helped.

Bari Jo

This pretty much exactly covers what I'm going through I think. I'm well known for overthinking things. I'll bring stuff up with her when I see her next. This helps, thank you!

[Wanda Jane]

First of all, welcome to the roller coaster. Strap in tight it is quite a ride. Yeah early in transition I had a lot of doubts. I came out at 54 and started transition at 55. 9 months in and they still come but less often or as intense. What I do is stop for a minute and play the tape to the end in both scenarios. I know that I always wind up back in the bottle or suicide if I go back. The other path is harder to imagine because it's unknown. My mind always wants to go back to safe, even if it means death or misery. Once I've pushed through doubts and insecurities I've never regretted a minute of this journey. As my body, mind and emotions respond to HRT my spirit is more and more at peace and the trip gets easier and more enjoyable. A friend of mine likes to say - I know what happens if I leave, but I don't know what happens if I stay.

[Harley Quinn]

Everyone goes through it to some degree. The unknown is quite scary. I would talk with the therapist... you may find it's still your path in life to transition and find the source of your fears is something else entirely. I doubt they'd jump the gun and cut you off from hormones immediately. It would be strange if you didn't have second thoughts, fears, or concerns.

[Amy_Bennett]

I don't know if it's normal, but I found the same thing happened to me.  It's one reason why this is my third time attempting to transition.  What I noticed is when on e my disphoria dropped to almost nothing.  Then the changes were so slow that you have a lot of time to be manic and think.  Doubt can creep in and boom, you start questioning.  I'd talk it out with your therapist.  I wish I stuck to it my first time, I didn't have a therapist and know it would have helped.

Bari Jo

This is the same for me, I think that once the AA and E begin to deal with the disphoria that's induced by the Testosterone, your mind becomes less clouded with the thoughts of being in the wrong body etc. As Bari Jo mentions, it gives you time to think and much more clearly. Without the disphoria clouding things you get to consider how the changes might actually affect you, not just in the short term as the initial relief of what you are doing, but also of the long term reality such as how do you go swimming if you're not full time yet you have a developing pair of breasts or can you still go topless to the beach, how will others start to perceive you before you're ready to come out. All the while the change will begin to show.

These were all things that made me doubt myself the first time round and I panicked and stopped the HRT.

After time I thought about the reality of these things and that actually in the short term they were not real issues  given that I'm on a v low dose. Since restarting I have planned how to go through the early stages more effectively and how to deal with the potentially awkward situations. My ultimate aim is to transition but at a slow pace so that the changes are subtle until I'm ready to come out.

Taking this approach has given me the strength to overcome the self doubt and WTF moments and stick with it.

Keep your head up and if it's really the path you want to follow, then acknowledge the doubts and fears but think them through as they are usually more trivial than you first think and this will give you the strength to carry on.

Wishing you all the best

Amy x

[RavenMoon]

I'll give my experience, because I questioned this too. 

I'm not on HRT yet, and I'm living as a very androgynous guy. My appearance has changed enough that while I'd never pass as a woman, I have been mistaken for one. I know, that sounds like passing, but it's always from a distance. Otherwise some people I know figured out I was trans just from my appearance.

So, since I know I wouldn't pass without having my facial hair removed and some FFS (I look nice from the neck down lol), I chose to not start HRT until I know I can afford FFS. This way I'm not stuck in some state I won't feel comfortable with.

So, recently a cis woman who I consider my best friend, offered to help me pay for my transition. We are business partners and also play in a band together.

Of course I was over the moon after she said this!

But then, like you, the doubts started appearing; am I doing the right thing? Am I fooling myself? Will I still not pass after spending all that money? Am I too old? (I'll be 60 next month)

I was surprised by these thoughts. This is something I wanted my whole life! And the past 5 years I think about it constantly. All my dysphoria is centered around my face. 

Since this wasn't going to happen right now, it gave me time to settle into the realization that this is actually going to happen. I realized it's just fear and apprehension that was causing the doubts.

Now, a few months later, I'm ready! I'd do it tomorrow if I could.

So I think this is normal. You are starting a big journey into unknown territory! Who wouldn't be nervous?

For all you ladies who are full time... I don't know how that feels. I have dreams about it. But I know when the day comes I'll be shaking in my Doc Martins! Lol.

You'll be fine, and congratulations! [emoji4]


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[Silly-Go-Round]

Everyone goes through it to some degree. The unknown is quite scary. I would talk with the therapist... you may find it's still your path in life to transition and find the source of your fears is something else entirely. I doubt they'd jump the gun and cut you off from hormones immediately. It would be strange if you didn't have second thoughts, fears, or concerns.

That's totally fair. The things that've been said here have helped, immensely. I'm definitely going to bring stuff up with her when I see her next.

[Silly-Go-Round]

Also for that matter, all the things everyone has said has been incredibly helpful in partially alleviating some of the stuff I've been dealing with.

[Laurie]

Hi Silly,

  Wow, now I feel silly. Perhaps you have a name you would prefer to be called? It isn't a requirement at all though calling you silly all the time seems, well, a bit silly. lol
  I'm Laurie and yes having these terrible doubts is very normal and they may persist in returning for quite some time. It can be most annoying too. You said you have a therapist. That is good and if they are a gender therapist then it's even better though a qualified general therapist should be fine too. Your therapist should be able to help you with this sort of thing and you should always be able to be open and honest with them if you really want to give them a fighting chance at helping you. I can tell you that I am open and honest with mine. I've been having a difficult time with my own issues recently and it is important that mine know what is going on so he can help me.
   Oh heck.. Please let me say, Welcome To Susan's Place! Come on in and take a good look around.  Perhaps I can even get you to hop on over to the Introductions Thread and  create a post to tell us a little bit more about yourself so we can get to know you a little better and greet you properly.

  Also I'll add some links and information below that can help you get more out of our site. Please take time to become familiar with them especially the RED one as we are always getting questions that are answered there.

Laurie
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[Harley Quinn]

Also for that matter, all the things everyone has said has been incredibly helpful in partially alleviating some of the stuff I've been dealing with.

The community here is quite helpful. Feel free to post when you need some advice, or just want to vent. However, don't forget about us when stuff is going well. We love happy stories. 😀