Becca's HRT Journey

[Roll]

You are adorable! I love the wig choice!

[Becca Kay]

thank you!  I'm so happy!

[Becca Kay]

  I've lived my life as a cis male, but I've always been more comfortable being around women. My friends though have always been, or mostly been, men.   Lately I've been spending my free time with women.  I didn't plan this.  I didn't try to start going out for wine with the girls. But that's what has happened.  The wives of several of my old guy friends have started inviting me to go out with them.  They've included me in their activities and I've found myself spending a lot of time with my friends' wives.

It's been a surreal experience.  The other day I found myself engaged in a detailed conversation about the sex life of one of my friends, except he wasn't there and I was talking to his wife... Who now I guess is my friend too... In a way she wasn't just a few months ago.

Another recent conversation I had with a few of the girls involved discomfort during intercourse.  I have NEVER had conversations like this with women.  I find it an amazing experience. Not just because it's so different from my experience with men, but because it feels completely natural to me.   In fact I realized today that I can't really ever go back to being a man full time.  In large part because I never felt like I was connecting with most of my male friends.  Being a man and hanging out with men was a part I played. I was a good actor. But I didn't like the job. It was unfulfilling.

[Becca Kay]

Also, I've had my wig for exactly 4 days and I already feel uncomfortable going out of the house without it. I go to work as (dead name) but outside of work I'm always me now. I've stopped dressing as a man.  All my clothing is either gender neutral or feminine. 

That has quickly led to a intense feelings of dysphoria while I'm at work. The past three days I've been sitting g in my office wanting to cry, or go home and get my wig. 

[Becca Kay]

This is an HRT thread, so here's a quick HRT update.  Since getting my estradiol dosage doubled last month I've noticed a couple of changes.  My hair (body and face) is growing more slowly. While laser has knocked out a substantial amount of my facial hair what is left seems to barely grow. I used to have long rough stubble only 10 hours after shaving my face.  I can go two days now before there's enough stubble to shave. And my body hair is growing more slowly. I go for electrolysis every 7 days on my upper body/ torso. I would typically shave between sessions and there would be enough growth for my tech to work with. I didn't shave between appointments this week, but there was barely any stubble for her to work with today.

This makes me so happy.

[Laurie]

Hi Becca,

  I've caught up on your thread and I like your wig. The stories about being included with the girls was fun and I think you may be heading for a talk with your boss soon so you can be yourself at work. Just take things one day at a time and one step at a time and you'll be okay.

Hugs,
  Laurie

[Becca Kay]

Hi Becca,

  I've caught up on your thread and I like your wig. The stories about being included with the girls was fun and I think you may be heading for a take with your boss soon so you can be yourself at work. Just take things one day at a time and one step at a time and you'll be okay.

Hugs,
  Laurie

thank you! 

next week is my last at my current job.   next month i move to DC for my new job.  I'm hoping it goes well and later this year I can come out at work and finally an be myself.

[Becca Kay]

Saturday was my support group.  We go out to a local brewery after and I look forward to it for the weeks in between meetings.  Even though i've only been going for a couple of months i've gotten rather attached to several of the girls.  It is an amazing feeling to be able to be myself and to talk to other people who are more like me than anyone else i've ever known.  I never realized that it would be wonderful to sit and chat with half a dozen other girls. 

Several of them said they're really sad that i'm moving away.  I was so touched that i had to try really hard not to cry. 

I've been going out as much as possible in my wig and make-up.  It feels really good to be dressed properly. I feel more like myself.  But it's also scary because i'm paranoid and anxious about how people will react to me

I went out to brunch with friends on Sunday to a popular new breakfast spot, which is small and crowded.  It was mostly a great time, but i did catch random people staring at me.  I'd look up from my meal and see someone and they'd realize i was looking back and they'd do that thing where they quickly avert their eyes and try to pretend they weren't staring.

Yesterday was my birthday, which i spent alone.  I kind of liked having the night to myself.  I went out to my neighborhood sushi restaurant and sat at the bar for my usual sashimi. I go there alone at least once per week and the bartenders (all women) know me and are very nice to me and seem happy when I show up, especially since i started showing up as myself.  Unfortunately, last night some drunk old guy was sitting several seats down the bar from me.  He was snickering and making comments under his breath but I heard "He-She" over and over and at one point he was boasting that he "had a radar for noticing when there were perverts nearby." 

It made me feel bad.  Kind of ruined my night.  I go there because it feels safe and the Indonesian bartenders get really chatty with me.  I always feel better after. 

Why are so many people (usually men) so horrible?

I know i'm not ever going to be delicate and petite and feminine looking to completely pass.  I'm tall and I have shoulders. and too wide a jaw.  I have huge feet.  And I have to wear a wig. 

I was inspired to come out by Laura Jane Grace and also Charlie Jane Anders.  Both are tall trans women (like me) who have their own unique looks.  I felt that if they could look so good and hold their heads up high and be so out there publicly than i should be able to be myself too. 

I want to be stronger, tougher.  I want to be able to just blow it off when bigots say cruel things to me.  Or smirk or wink back at people when I catch them staring. 

But it's <Not allowed> hard.  So hard.

[KayXo]

You are a woman. End of story. Be close to your heart, always and trust me, not much else will matter. The outside world doesn't define who you are.

[Becca Kay]

it's been two weeks since I posted in this thread but it feels like a year.  So here are a few updates...


I moved 1,000 miles away to my new job.  It's only been a couple of days but it feels like I made the right decision.  I am not out at work, but I'm optimistic that I can be in the future.  My new employer is regularly noted in the media as being LGBTQ friendly and their corp inclusivity policies include gender identity.

I'm out now to all of my friends and family.  It feels good.  After a few weeks my mother now uses my new name.  My family gave me a going away party and I showed up as myself.  That was the first time all of them saw me presenting as a woman. I was only dead named once the whole day.  LOL

for two weeks while i was between jobs I was presenting all day every day as myself.  It was the longest period of time in my life that I've done that.  When i had to show up as (dead name) to my new job yesterday it was a LOT HARDER than i thought it would be.  I don't know how long I can do this. 

My only fear right now is being literally alone without friends in a big city.  I didn't realize how safe my little group of supportive friends made me feel back in my home town.  I had gotten comfortable going out in my wig and skirts because I always felt like somebody had my back.  But that's gone.  It's terrifying

[Cassi]

it's been two weeks since I posted in this thread but it feels like a year.  So here are a few updates...


I moved 1,000 miles away to my new job.  It's only been a couple of days but it feels like I made the right decision.  I am not out at work, but I'm optimistic that I can be in the future.  My new employer is regularly noted in the media as being LGBTQ friendly and their corp inclusivity policies include gender identity.

I'm out now to all of my friends and family.  It feels good.  After a few weeks my mother now uses my new name.  My family gave me a going away party and I showed up as myself.  That was the first time all of them saw me presenting as a woman. I was only dead named once the whole day.  LOL

for two weeks while i was between jobs I was presenting all day every day as myself.  It was the longest period of time in my life that I've done that.  When i had to show up as (dead name) to my new job yesterday it was a LOT HARDER than i thought it would be.  I don't know how long I can do this. 

My only fear right now is being literally alone without friends in a big city.  I didn't realize how safe my little group of supportive friends made me feel back in my home town.  I had gotten comfortable going out in my wig and skirts because I always felt like somebody had my back.  But that's gone.  It's terrifying

Great News!!!!  Was kinda worried you had been kidnapped by aliens or the witch's monkeys

[Laurie]

  Hi Becca,

  I have been waiting to read how things have been for you with your move to the big city. This right here "It's only been a couple of days but it feels like I made the right decision." make my heart glad for you. It is truly good when you can have those feelings. The other things you have related also give me a smile to see the positivity in those things you did since leaving your old job. All are such confirming actions that show you are not only leaving the old job for a new one but you are leaving an old life and beginning a new one for and as yourself. And yes Hun, it is terrifying, but it is also wonderful. Another thing Becca, remember that when it does get difficult we here have your back. All you need do is is come talk with us. I'm here via PM or email or even a phone call should you need to talk. PM me and I'l provide my personal information to you if you  would like.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[Becca Kay]

I was definately not kidnapped by witches or flying monkies.  But that sounds fun and amazing



i've thought about posting repeatedly over the past couple of weeks but I've been so psychologically exhausted I just couldn't. 

I am staying in corporate housing ( a hotel ) for a few weeks while I look for an apartment.  Until I get settled in my own place my life does still feel rather upended.  I feel a bit scared to leave the hotel presenting as a woman.  I'm not exactly passable. 

The funny thing is that most of my casual clothing now is women's clothing.  It's just jeans and ts and sweaters.  But without my wig and make up i look look an effeminate man.  In a lot of ways I'm completely comfortable being seen by people as a queer looking man.  But it's not how I feel inside, so even that is kind of frustrating. 

I don't feel like I can truely be comfortable out in the world until i've had FFS and top surgery.  Even when I'm wearing my wig and a skirt and a push up bra I feel incredibly self conscious, like i'm wearing a costume that people can see through.

[Laurie]

Well Becca I will be watching once again to read about you becoming comfortable being out as yourself. For now Hun, take it one thing at a time. You have  good reason to take it slow in that area. On my whole road trip it was in that area that someone made a disparaging comment that was probably directed at me but I chose not to acknowledge it and find out for sure. Therefore I do not know it it was aimed at me or not so it wasn't. No where else on the whole moth's adventure did it happen again that I noticed. There is some truth to the saying that ignorance is bliss. Stay blissful Becca.

Hugs,
  Laurie

[Cassi]

I was definately not kidnapped by witches or flying monkies.  But that sounds fun and amazing



i've thought about posting repeatedly over the past couple of weeks but I've been so psychologically exhausted I just couldn't. 

I am staying in corporate housing ( a hotel ) for a few weeks while I look for an apartment.  Until I get settled in my own place my life does still feel rather upended.  I feel a bit scared to leave the hotel presenting as a woman.  I'm not exactly passable. 

The funny thing is that most of my casual clothing now is women's clothing.  It's just jeans and ts and sweaters.  But without my wig and make up i look look an effeminate man.  In a lot of ways I'm completely comfortable being seen by people as a queer looking man.  But it's not how I feel inside, so even that is kind of frustrating. 

I don't feel like I can truely be comfortable out in the world until i've had FFS and top surgery.  Even when I'm wearing my wig and a skirt and a push up bra I feel incredibly self conscious, like i'm wearing a costume that people can see through.

Glad you didn't get kidnapped but you were missed and glad you're back.

[Becca Kay]

thanks for the good feels, girls! 


so I sent an email yesterday to Dr Spiegel's office and got a phone call back today.  I'm going to schedule a consult soon for FFS.  Once i have more to tell I'll post it here.

[Laurie]

Good for you Becca. You are moving on in more ways than one aren't you?


Hugs,
   Laurie

[Becca Kay]

I moved into my new tiny apartment this weekend.  It's sooooo small. But it's a brand new condo and very nice.  I really like the neighborhood.  So many great places to eat. 

Since I moved here two weeks ago I've not worn my wig or make up even once.  I'm so scared to.  I'm not used to living in such a crowded city.  Right before I moved I was getting very comfortable back at home presenting as myself.  But here I feeel sooo exposed. 

ugh. 

[Donna]

Nice wig. I'm wig shopping Wednesday and I'll see how I feel wearing it to work. I dress fem for work everyday now, started a week ago and no issues yet. I'll start next Monday with the wig I hope.

[Becca Kay]

Nice wig. I'm wig shopping Wednesday and I'll see how I feel wearing it to work. I dress fem for work everyday now, started a week ago and no issues yet. I'll start next Monday with the wig I hope.

that's wonderful.  good for you!