Feeling good and wondering "Do I actually need this?"

[Charlie Nicki]

So I've started HRT on June, stopped for 3 weeks in August and restarted 2 weeks ago. I've been abroad traveling for the past 3 weeks and well I'm feeling really good about myself, so good that I even question if transitioning is something I actually need. It's almost like I forgot the (mild) dysphoria I had.

So I mentioned traveling cuz I've been very busy and distracted, and I'm wondering if this feel good moment is a product of the HRT + being distracted. Just a trap/illusion tricking me to think my transgender identity isn't as strong (because I am actually doing something about it) just to go back and feel worse if I stop? Does this make sense? Have you been through this?

I am not stopping HRT because if I'm not feeling bad about it then why stop right? But I do have many doubts and fears about the future.

[TransAm]

I think this is a case of the age old tale of 'I feel great so why bother taking X?' that shortly after stopping devolves into 'ohhh yeah, that's why'.

The good feeling is likely a combination of vacation and the HRT quietly doing its work in the background.

[Dena]

More than once I have seen people on HRT stop because they were feeling so good they thought could get by without it. Within a few weeks they are climbing the wall and ready to return to HRT. Often they repeat this lesson several times before they understand how HRT has changed their life. It unfortunate that the only thing that treats us often involved HRT as there are people with good reasons not to transition and don't desire a feminized body however the fact is our birth sex hormone doesn't work well with our brain. There are ways to remain on HRT and avoid a transition  but you need to decide what will work for you as I don't know how bad your dysphoria is.

[Bari Jo]

Charlie Nicki, so many of us have gone through the same thing.  The hrt makes you feel, calm and right.  It gives you time to think and wonder if you really need it. Doubt sets in.   From my own experience, I've suit twice, and I had to go back on.  I had about a 5 year gap between my last hrt test transition until this permanent hrt round.  I've been on about 3.5 months and have some of those thoughts now.  However I know what will happen to me personally I'd I go off now, and I'm not doing that again.  I've accepted myself, my limitations, needs.  It's a personal choice.  It took a lot of soul searching, pain, rationalization.  I'm sure you've done your share.  Time got a little more:)

Bari Jo

[JoanneB]

So I've started HRT on June, stopped for 3 weeks in August and restarted 2 weeks ago. I've been abroad traveling for the past 3 weeks and well I'm feeling really good about myself, so good that I even question if transitioning is something I actually need. It's almost like I forgot the (mild) dysphoria I had.

So I mentioned traveling cuz I've been very busy and distracted, and I'm wondering if this feel good moment is a product of the HRT + being distracted. Just a trap/illusion tricking me to think my transgender identity isn't as strong (because I am actually doing something about it) just to go back and feel worse if I stop? Does this make sense? Have you been through this?

I am not stopping HRT because if I'm not feeling bad about it then why stop right? But I do have many doubts and fears about the future.

I relied on what I call the 3D's; Diversions, Distractions, and a touch of Denial, for a good 30-40 years to quiet the GD noise. Even today, with full acceptance of who I really am, and 8 years of HRT, between an semi-invalid, chronically depressed wife, work, and absolutely no spare time keeping way busy helps quieting the GD noise and I have far more "Good" days. OK... 5 out 7 for sure. Come the weekends....

[Maybebaby56]

Hi Charlie Nicki,

Others have said what I can only confirm.  When I started HRT, and the dysphoria disappeared, I thought, half-seriously, "OMG, I'm cured!". But I knew from whence that peace of mind came. Those little blue pills are a God-send.  I am a happy hormone junkie.  They keep me right, and let me feel whole. 

As far as doubts and fears, well, that is transition defined. We spend a lifetime building a facade to keep ourselves alive and functioning in society.  Transition means deliberately tearing all that apart. It's like jumping out of a plane without a parachute and somebody yelling, "Enjoy the trip!"  Transition is nobody's idea of a good time. Unlike my parachute analogy, though, it is possible to land safely.  And when you do, my oh my, it's a whole new world waiting for you.

With kindness,

Terri

[Charlie Nicki]

Thank you TransAm, Dena, BariJ Jo, JoanneB and Terri. It's kinda relieving that you guys said what I was thinking...OK I'm not crazy then. This comfort and security comes probably from HRT, and going off it might make the thoughts come back.

Just want to specifically address something Dena said:

There are ways to remain on HRT and avoid a transition  but you need to decide what will work for you as I don't know how bad your dysphoria is.

Well...I would say my dysphoria is mild (?) in comparison to others here. I was never repulsed by my body or genitals. It manifested through persistent thoughts of being a woman, so persistent that it was energy draining, and feeling bored and annoyed with my life (without ever knowing why). The only time I was actually upset at my body was earlier this year when I got really muscular hoping it would make me feel better and it was actually worse, the thoughts got unbearable and I would get moody, angry, etc.

My dysphoria is mostly social, I want to assume a feminine role in society and be seen like a woman. Living like a man for the rest of my life or getting old as a man is something that doesn't make me happy, I would just be a shell of a person living a very gray life.

So what I am saying is, I feel like I want to transition...albeit slowly now, but I do. The social pressure is huge, and I'm scared but it feels like it's the only way forward, I can't put the genie back in the bottle. I already tried ignoring the thoughts, and it got me nowhere.

[Denise]

I stopped after a month or two.  2.5 months later I almost lost Everything (Including my life).  If you stop, please make sure you have someone in your life who sees you frequently to make sure you're okay.  My wife said she saw the negative changes about a month before I had a mental breakdown.

Be Careful!

[Jessica]

Hi Dani 🙋. Your not crazy, most here probably have had many reservations.  Myself included.  It took my wife to convince me that hrt was a good thing for me.  Support is the key.
Hugs girlfriend , Jessica 💁

[Michelle_P]

I've been on HRT well over a year.  I was feeling fine, happy, and enjoying life.  I had to stop estradiol two weeks ago, for upcoming surgery.  Within 5 days I was afraid the depression was returning, I was snapping at friends, irritated, and Not Happy.  I was worried that with the depression the suicidal urges would return, and arranged to spend much of my time where other people could see me.

My therapist explained what was going on, and by focusing on this as a temporary state and knowing it would soon be past, I've been able to function, mostly.

The simple fact is that for many of us, that unpleasantness that HRT removed is partially endocrinology, our particular biochemistry in the brain running better on the HRT mix of hormones than on what our gender incongruous bodies supplied our brain.  HRT doesn't change our brain's biochemistry, but simply gives us what we need.  Taking away that hormone mix put me right back in the mental state I was in before starting HRT.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[Allie24]

Sounds to me that you could probably get by on HRT alone. If the dysphoria is mild and you feel great being busy and taking hormones, then I say keep it up. Don't feel like you need to pressure yourself to transition 100%.

[Charlie Nicki]

I stopped after a month or two.  2.5 months later I almost lost Everything (Including my life).  If you stop, please make sure you have someone in your life who sees you frequently to make sure you're okay.  My wife said she saw the negative changes about a month before I had a mental breakdown.

Be Careful!

Hi Denise!

I am not planning to stop. Was just wondering if this sense of relief and a diminished urgency to transition after starting on HRT was common. Seems like it is.

Sounds to me that you could probably get by on HRT alone. If the dysphoria is mild and you feel great being busy and taking hormones, then I say keep it up. Don't feel like you need to pressure yourself to transition 100%.

Yeah I am taking it slow right now, and don't know how far I will go but staying on HRT only while still living and looking like a man isn't something I want to do, at least not forever. Maybe at first while the HRT does it job and feminizes me. I actually just felt a stab in the gut just by thinking about cutting my hair and acting like I am a cis man.

[LizK]

I have just switched Dr and am experiencing low to almost no HRT at the moment (Pellet is finishing) and my GD has returned with vengeance over the last week. I was blaming it for everything but a quick reshuffle of meds has left me feeling in a much better state for dealing with it. Up until the recent run out of my pellet had my GD pretty much under control with plans for surgery always a good counter to "stinky thinking" around my physical dysphoria. I did notice that yesterday was the worst day for me by far and whilst I can now rationally write about it, yesterday was just awful. I hadn't felt like that in a long long time.

It so easy to forget where we started off and after yesterday I have a better appreciation for where that was!

[laurenb]

I think it's ok to accept myself as Transgender, to use HRT to balance myself inside and to not have a rigid plan to transition. I'm moving slowly in a direction but I really don't know if I'll fully get there. I realized this isn't an all or nothing game for me. Sometimes good enough is good enough and sometimes you take another step forward (or back).

[Charlie Nicki]

I think it's ok to accept myself as Transgender, to use HRT to balance myself inside and to not have a rigid plan to transition. I'm moving slowly in a direction but I really don't know if I'll fully get there. I realized this isn't an all or nothing game for me. Sometimes good enough is good enough and sometimes you take another step forward (or back).

This is a good attitude to have. At least takes the pressure off a little bit. I am kind of on the same boat, I am moving forward and seeing how I feel but I don't have a set plan.

[Anne Blake]

I have been in one form or another of transition for a bit more than two and a half years. It turned out my manifestations of gd changed as I progressed in transition. At first it was all a social form of dysphoria and dressing, being out and about and eventually hrt was enough to keep me a very happy woman. But then, as I progressed into full time and most of a year of hrt I realized that I needed more and my dysphoria took on a physical aspect. I was no longer satisfied to live as the woman I am but I needed to change my body. At this point, one month post op, I am wholly content. Every journey is unique and if you are able to be content with hrt, more blessings to you, just be aware that for many, the nature of our gd can change as we progress in our transition.