Very very strange

[Annie Social]

I just had the weirdest thing happen.

I'm in my 8th week of HRT, and from the beginning I've wondered about the emotional effects hormones have on a lot of people transitioning. I've never felt anything like that, and was actually beginning to wonder if I was abnormal in some way; if I was somehow emotionally dead inside after all the things that have happened to me over the years.

Then suddenly tonight, I'm awash in a flood of tears, and just can't stop crying. And it's for no reaon at all.

Oh, there was a trigger for it; for the second night in a row, a friend that I was supposed to go out clubbing with overslept and just didn't feel like going. As she was to be my transportation, that meant that I couldn''t go out at all. So needless to say, I was pretty disappointed and a little miffed, but it's certainly no reason for this endless sobbing. It's as if a dam burst, and all the things I've held in for years came pouring out at once.

I don't even know why I'm writing this, except that talking about it seems to make things better, and you wonderful people here seem amazingly tolerant of this sort of nonsense .  Anyway, feel free to ignore this post; consider it a bit of therapy done in a public forum. And for those of you who, like me, felt that you just weren't being emotional enough, don't worry... your time will come!

[Peggiann]

OH Annie hun,
I'm sorry you didn't get to get out for a night on the clubbing scene. I'm sure from the sounds of it in your post you were looking forword to it very much. I'll be in chat in a bit if you just want to chat and have company that way.

Have you had your levels checked lately? IT sounds like that could also be a possibility since you uaually have no other signs like this happening. Might not hurt to get that done just to be safe. But then again...maybe it's the reasurance you needed that you aren't abnormal at all. Chat later,

Smiles Dear Lady,
Peggiann

[Cassandra]

people here seem amazingly tolerant of this sort of nonsense.

Nonsense? Why that's just nonsense, its not nonsense. Hey getting emotional is part of the territory, although uncontrollable bouts of crying can be a sign of an hormonal imbalance. Wouldn't hurt to get it checked out or at least mention it to your doctor. But if you want to blubber on line go right ahead. Thats one of the things we're here for.

Big Hug, 

Cassie

[stephanie_craxford]

I don't mind admitting that I'm more emotional than I once was about certain things.  I find that I'm a little more caring, but other than that I really can't say for certain if it's due to HRT or the changes I've made to my life living full time.  I've been on HRT since March 13th, 2005.

From the Wiki

Neurological/Psychiatric:

    * Mood changes can occur - including the development of depression
    * Migraines can be made worse or unmasked by estrogen therapy
    * Estrogens can induce the development of prolactinomas, which is why prolactin levels should periodically be monitored in transgender women. Milk discharge from the nipples can be a sign of elevated prolactin levels. If a prolactinoma becomes large enough, it can cause visual changes (especially decreased peripheral vision), headaches, mood changes, depression, dizziness, nausea, vomiting, and symptoms of pituitary failure like hypothyroidism.

So as you can see there are many things you can experience that are associated with HRT. 

View the full  HRT Wiki Article

If your condition persists or continues you should definitely seek medical help.

Steph

[Annie Social]

Thanks to all for your kind words! Things are pretty much back to normal now; I don't think it's due to any imbalance as my levels have been pretty consistent and I've made no changes recently. Haven't been depressed either; tonight it just seemed like all this stuff that had built up forever needed to come out. Maybe it was a part of the process, a subconscious turning away from the 'real men don't cry' attitude I was brought up with. The only thing that really surprised me was that it was set off by something as trivial as not getting out this weekend.

Whatever it was, I feel a whole lot better now that it's out!

Annie

[Peggiann]

Ok glad to hear your feeling better!

Smiles,
Peggiann

[Hazumu]

Tonight it just seemed like all this stuff that had built up forever needed to come out. Maybe it was a part of the process, a subconscious turning away from the 'real men don't cry' attitude I was brought up with. The only thing that really surprised me was that it was set off by something as trivial as not getting out this weekend.

Whatever it was, I feel a whole lot better now that it's out!

Annie

One of the factors in my decision that I MUST transition is that there were times in the past when I'd be brought to the brink of tears, but something inside me prevented me from crossing the boundary to crying.  I remember reading somewhere that keeping that stuff in -- not being able to cry -- is bad for you.  Crying releases chemicals that help one 'get over' the emotional trigger faster than one who doesn't or can't cry -- and the non-cryers suffer more in the long run from the emotional upset.

About two years ago I watched the Japanese anime show Haibane Renmei for the first time.  At at least three different points I was choked up by the story -- but the tears wouldn't come.  And I WANTED them to come.  I was alone, so I wouldn't be embarrassed.  I tried.  I sat on the edge of that cliff, but couldn't make the tears happen.  And I wondered, "Why???"  (BTW, I highly recommend Haibane Renmei.  It's a story of transformation, salvation and redemption that packs an emotional wallop.  The catharsis will leave you feeling elated.  Be sure to have at least a full box of tissue for your viewing experience. 
http://www.haibanerenmei.com/index2.html)

My two cents (and I'm looking forward to seeing HR again from a new perspective... ;-)

Haz

[melissa_girl]

Before transition, I had not had a real cry since I was a little kid. This was like 15-20 years.  There were times I felt like crying during this period, but I never actually did really cry. I mean a good cry where you hyperventilate and everything.  However, when I finally did, I couldn't stop crying for like a half and hour.  Everytime I would begin to slow down, something else I remembered would trigger it again.  It's been much easier since transition to have a good cry though.  Sometimes I stop myself on purpose just because I don't want to bother with the whole crying thing.  Since I've been on hormones so far, I have been feeling a lot better and haven't needed to cry, but I'm still bracing for a sudden mood swing that will have me in tears.

So, I understand what you mean by the emotional cliff Hazumu.  I remember in an older post, you mentioned having a "tyrannical superego" and my guess is this is the reason you are having trouble crossing the emotional boundary.

Melissa

[Dennis]

I haven't cried since I started T and I used to be triggered very easily.

Dennis

[Sara]

I wonder Dennis has your mood changed to anger since you have been on T (do you get angry instead of upset) and or have you had an increase in body strength cause they say it does have an effect, possibly the opposite effect to E.

I cry at anything that gets me upset even watching movies with a sad ending or just because I am me and cannot work it out. When I had to go off hrt I was an even worse mess, panic attacks feeling like I was going to die but now I am back on the meds my body has re adjusted and although I did have a few emotional spats but my breathing is better and I am not so depressed anymore. Oh well, some girls were just made for hrt and some of everyone else was made for the other stuff (if that makes any sense).

Sara.

[LostInTime]

I went from having to run out of a theater after openly mocking one of those touchy feely movies in which one of the main characters dies in the end to now I no longer watch Ghost Whisperer because many of the episodes I caught were real tear jerkers.

Keep track though and if it starts to become too common of an occurance bring it up with your docs.

[Dennis]

I wonder Dennis has your mood changed to anger since you have been on T (do you get angry instead of upset) and or have you had an increase in body strength cause they say it does have an effect, possibly the opposite effect to E.

Definitely an increase in body strength. I haven't noticed more anger though. The thing I do notice is I blush a lot more easily. Cry less and blush more. Weird.

And those chick flicks designed to prompt tears in the audience leave me basically unmoved, where I used to have to take kleenex or fight crying during them (which was always a huge embarrassment to me).

Dennis

[Cassandra]

Personally I've always liked chick flicks. I can't really say I am prone to tears any more or less than I have ever been. I have always been brought to tears by any number of things. If you want to turn on my water works just put Kansas Dust In The Wind or Joni Mitchell Circle Game on the stereo. And dont get me started on the movies like Beaches, Divine Secrets of The Ya Ya Sisterhood, Message In A Bottle etc. Oddly I've never seen Brian's Song which they say makes grown men cry. Oh yes, and Field of Dreams when Kevin Costners character plays catch with his dad. Okay, getting teary thinking about these things. Must stop now.

Cassie

[Kimberly]

Erm, what are we calling 'chick flicks' ? I have a tendency to always stay away from anything that wants to play with my heart strings...

Anyway, I am more easily brought to tears now to be sure, though I can't say I'm unhappy at all. However, like Cassie I'm one of those who has always been rather susceptible to a number of things.

P.s. I am very fond of Kansas' "Dust in the Wind"

[Sara]

I saw sisterhood of the travelling pants and I cried at that and I guess you would say that is a chick flick. I do like movies about aliens probably cause I would have liked one to take me away from all of the mess I am in and trying to get out of. TG call home could be a good title.

Sara.

[Chaunte]

I have always been a teary-eyed softy.  But since I came into existance, as it were, I find myself even more sensitive to movies and music.  Songs like Brad Paisley's When I get where I'm going, Arlington, Christmas in the Trenches can reduce me to a puddle of tears.  The farewell scene in Armageddon will cause my cheeks to get wet.  The hardest scene I recently watched was the opening of Chronicles of Narnia when the children of London were being evacuated.  All in a flash I felt what it must have been like and I never worked so hard to keep from crying.  (I was with my family and it would have been difficult to explain...)

[sniff] Pass the tissues?

Chaunte

[rana]

This is an interesting thread & I can see potential for a poll here - definitely in regard to the type of movies that make you cry, I can see different categories having effects.

I am wondering the effect of not only hormones but also culture & conditioning on emotions?  They say that women are more emotional, but I wonder - men may just hide it, or be taught to hide it better.
I was always emotional, but then again am not & have never really been a typical male. But I always hid my emotions really well...............until now that is (I still hide them, but am affected more & I am not on any hormones, just the fact of acknowledging myself.

I noticed the difference after seeing a therapist. My first visit she said "there is water & tissues over there in case you need them" I thought yeah sure,  but (and I still cannot truely believe it even now) before the session was over I was bawling my eyes out.

Maybe being more emotional is a sign of freedom?

[Kimberly]

...
Maybe being more emotional is a sign of freedom?

^*wink* I've said this before in my private writings... I feel that to live life as a male is to live life in an emotional straightjacket. Not much fun at all, I think.

So, you could say I agree

[LostInTime]

I do not know whether it was cultural conditioning or not.  My parents were always very open and very loving.  I do recall that I rarely saw my father cry but then he rarely had a reason to and the first time was at his mother's funeral.  As I got older I conciously started cutting off the emotions due to the GID.  I got to the point where I did not feel much of anything.  I was even nicknamed The Terminator once.

When I was about 18 a GF brought me out of that and I still thank and curse her quite often in my mind.

I have had times where I had to be the strong one.  Picking out my father's casket, being there for the rest of the family at the funeral, etc, etc.  However, I would have to have done that no matter what my gender as I am the eldest of all of the offspring and that means I have certain responsibilities.

[melissa_girl]

I do not know whether it was cultural conditioning or not.  My parents were always very open and very loving.  I do recall that I rarely saw my father cry but then he rarely had a reason to and the first time was at his mother's funeral.  As I got older I conciously started cutting off the emotions due to the GID.  I got to the point where I did not feel much of anything.  I was even nicknamed The Terminator once.

That sounds strikingly similar to my life, except for being nicknamed terminator (although I felt like that).  However, I did not get out of it until recently when I stopped denying being TS.

I am wondering the effect of not only hormones but also culture & conditioning on emotions?  They say that women are more emotional, but I wonder - men may just hide it, or be taught to hide it better.

I think it's a combination of both.  I think men are taught to hide their emotions and male hormones make it easier to do that.

Melissa