Kind words for a stranger

[Dandanan]

Good day to every one, i'd like to introduce myself first as i am new here. I'm Danielle. I came to this site to seek some insight from the ftm community. I have a bf. I love him so much, i would literally do anything for him. He's trans, ftm, pre-T. I believe he's clinically depressed, and isn't receiving any love and support from his parents. Neither about his sexuality nor his mental health. Right now, he's planning to save up for a transition (top and bottom surgery) but his mental health is not getting any better. His family is so strictly religious, they literally told him they would disown him is he even considers transition. It truly saddens me that he thinks that his happiness isn't worth pursuing if it meant losing his family and friends. He's exhausted of being the wrong body and the toxic environment his parents provide him isn't helping with his will... I want to tell him his happiness is worth pursuing and he deserves it more than anything, but i dont think my words don't mean much for his situation... So i'm asking the kind people on this site, who relate to him more than i can imagine, to offer him some encouragement. Tell him it's worth it. Help him get motivated to be finally happy. I don't want him giving up on life... he deserves better...

Any sort of kind words is greatly appreciated. I hope you're all doing well.

[Kendra]

Hello Danielle, welcome to Susan's!

I withheld my transition for several decades and from personal experience I can say, the fact is I was shortchanging myself. 

Family is important but there is a limit to what any individual should put up with.  And it can come full circle - sometimes by asserting who we really are we can gain things unexpectedly.  I learned that when I came out to my parents who are politically conservative (borderline extreme) but they completely and immediately accepted my MTF transition.  The term is unconditional love, no grey area there.  If my parents had rejected me I would have maintained basic connections and spent more time with people who care.

I think religion is fine and can be beneficial if it's sincerely practiced.  I was raised in a non-religious household (my heritage would be Buddhist-Mormon... try mixing that).  Where I personally draw the line is when religion is used as an excuse for intolerance and bigotry.  A statement made decades or millennia ago and re-translated as human language evolved can be twisted around to justify hatred - lost in translation.  Tools can be used to build great things or cause destruction if misused.

Life is too short to waste on acquaintances that may be conveniently located but are more concerned about their petty agenda - in other words they are not true friends.  Seek out and spend time with people who understand and accept you for who you are.  What's stopping you and your boyfriend?  When you look back on today a few years from now what would you wish you had done differently? 

I'll add information here we provide to new members, things to help you with navigation and to explain a few unique characteristics of Susan's.

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	Cautionary Note	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

Danielle, thank you for joining Susan's.  I hope you and your boyfriend can build a great future - looking forward to seeing you around.

Kendra

[gennee]

Hi Danielle and welcome to Susan's. Your bf's situation is not unique. I have talked with a number of people regarding family and religion. Some have lost or been disowned but realized that they needed to move on with their lives. Each of us has to live his/her own life. It took nearly two years for my spouse to accept me. Now she's my biggest supporter.

[V M]

Hi Danielle 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. The best piece of advice I can give right now is to help him receive some therapy. A gender therapist would be best but if that's not available, a regular therapist would do. Depression is very common in the transgender community and because of it, there are estimates that about 40% of us attempt suicide. Treating the body isn't always the full solution because our mind receives damage as well. After therapy is started, it's possible that there are other things that can be done to help with the dysphoria but that is highly personal so he will need to decide what to do.

[Laurie]

 Hi Danelle,

I'm Laurie mtf Welcome to Susan's Place. Because I was in a similar situation and lost. The hurt is overwhelming at times. I will only say he could use help from a gender therapist and possibly has a need of an antidepressant. At any rate he needs therapy of some sort to help him process what he is dealing with. I wish both you and him the best and please continue to be there for him as you do help with his stability.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[Dandanan]

Hi everyone, I'm so glad to have found Susan's Place.

My heart melted at your responses, I can't thank you enough. I can't imagine what your struggles must have been for all of you, i'm glad that it seems you've all handled it well. You are my source of hope for my boyfriend. I hope the best for all of you kind people.

I see that most of you suggested that he'd take therapy, and I completely agree. Unfortunately, finances are tight in our situation, so therapy isn't as easy as an option for my boyfriend. I advised him to save up for it a few months back, get a prescription for his antidepressants and such, but he said he's decided to prioritize his savings for his transition.    And as much as he sees that staying in contact with his family isn't an option, even after all the inhumane trauma they'd put him through as a child up until now, he still loves them, 'cause they're family. That's what's hindering him from his transition, sadly. He seems to be in a no win situation.

His name is Nick by the way

[Laurie]

Hi again Danielle,

   I understand  the cost problem and his wanting to save for his transition, but therapy can be really important at this stage. All I can say is insurance. Find insurance that has a transgender program. It will also have therapy or counseling included somewhere. It will also be useful later when he pursues other procedures in transitioning. Kaiser comes to mind but there are other options with other companies.

  Laurie

[Dena]

Some therapist charge on a sliding scale where what you pay depends on your income. If your income is low enough it's possible there could be a charity in your area that could provide some assistance. Most of the time there is help out there but it could be a little difficult to locate.

[Dandanan]

Thank you Laurie, and Dena!

I'll definitely look into these 

[HappyMoni]

Hi Danielle,
   I think you are pretty awesome to advocate for Nick this way. Your support is very important even if it appears he isn't heeding your advice. What guy does, right? The advice on here is sound. I think for anyone truly driven to transition, there is a period, be it long or short, where one wrestles with oneself. It's the risk/reward thing. Part of deciding to go forward is the idea that some people may not come along for the ride. It comes down to the fact that you have to be true to yourself and for those who truly love you, they will adjust. His parents love should not be conditional. The saddest life is the one where fear is in control, not us. I hope he does what will make him happy, that is what he has control over. Those around him, well they will miss out on a great relationship if they can't get it together. Maybe it will help if he thinks about building his new life. He must find the building blocks of old and new friendships/relationships that build a great future.
Moni

[zirconia]

Hi, Danielle

Thank you for writing—you must really love your boyfriend. I'm sure it must have taken courage to write to complete strangers like you did.

Yes, it really does sound like your bf is very depressed, and I'm sure that his parents' attitude has quite a lot to do with it. I don't know them, but his story does bring back memories of when I was enrolled in a mission school. Over 90% of the students and all teachers came from various American denominations. What struck me most about many of the parents was how they used threats, coercion and the bible to control the children. Much of it seemed very contradictory to me.

To me your boyfriend's situation feels very similar. His parents told him they'd disown him if he even considers transition. If they told him that they probably either know or suspect that he is considering it. If they do know it and yet haven't disowned him, they are already lying to him in order to threaten him. Even if they only suspect, to remain truthful and consistent they should already be duty-bound according to their beliefs to do so because he is in fact considering it, whether or not he goes ahead. In this sense, what more could he lose by going ahead?

Yet, if he does give up they most likely will not. At least it didn't happen to the children I knew. To actually do so would have removed most of the power the parents had over them. It also would have brought disgrace on the parents from their own community, whereas successfully reining the children back in enabled them to boast to everyone in the name of honesty, openness and love about how close they were to going astray and how they now were forgiven.

However, to me it seemed the ultimate control tool actually was the threat of eternal damnation.

In any case, I do think I understand the tremendous pressure your boyfriend is under. If he can't go to a counselor I do hope he can at least gather up the courage to anonymously open his heart here. It is probably one of the safer venues to do so, and I'm sure many of the members have experienced something similar. While they can't change his family or assume the role of a counselor, they probably can tell him what they themselves have felt and gone through.

He is not alone, and neither are you.

[The Flying Lemur]

Hi, Danielle, I'm really sorry to hear that you and your bf are in this situation.   My family has been accepting, but I sure know plenty about depression anyway.  When you're down, it feels like you've always been down and always will be.  What's more, you blame yourself for it.  You think you're overreacting, that you're being a wuss, that if you just have enough force of will that it will go away.  It really, really won't.  I'm not a doctor, so I can't say for sure what your bf needs, but if he's truly clinically depressed he probably needs therapy and medication.  There's no shame in that, any more than there's shame in a diabetic needing medical care and insulin.  It's also not a waste of money (although he might think it is right now), because it's an investment in a better life. 

I've been so depressed so long that I'm on disability for it, but now I have an excellent therapist and meds that work for me, and I feel good for the first time I can remember.  I'm FTM too, and if your bf wants to talk to me about depression or anything else, have him message me.  There's something especially effective and hopeful about transmasculine folks helping one another.