decided to stop my transition

[MissKairi]

So here I am, back here after being away as I needed time to think and really think without the outside influences of you lovely lot.

I've decided to no longer go ahead with the hormones and therapy to become a girl in body as well as mind.
It came after asking myself over and over every day the same two questions.

"Is it important to me that I am female?" That answer is yeah it is.

Then "Is it important to me that OTHERS see me as female?" The answer there is a resounding no.

Others can see me however they want to and I decided that the huge life upheaval doesn't match my desire to be seen as female by other people.

So I just wanted to share this with everyone as I think I owe everyone here a thank you for being brilliant.

So, what's next for me? Firstly figure out how to stop these huge sudden bursts of anger when people are belittling me. This is a new thing, since stopping E and I wonder if that is related.

Carrying on like before, dressing as my female self at home and male self away.
My mind hasn't changed, I am still female (or at least female enough) for me to continue knowing I am.

I'd still like to stick around this site.
I mean its a forum, unless I am banned there's no reason why I can't but I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable about me being about knowing that I am not going to transition

[Deborah]

So, what's next for me? Firstly figure out how to stop these huge sudden bursts of anger when people are belittling me. This is a new thing, since stopping E and I wonder if that is related.

That anger is the dysphoria returning.  I've done the same thing and stopped HRT twice and both times the dysphoria returned shortly along with the anger, depression, and everything else.



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[Tiame]

Hi,
In tbe end you have to be you. And there is no true definition of transformation. Its simple one goes as far as one is comfortable.  Myself i have no need of a GRS. But, I wish to look as female as possable the make me happy.  My HRT is designed around that.

I will happly accept you being you.

Lots of love,

Chris

[Rachel]

You are welcome here.

I never stopped HRT. I suspect going from HRT to T will cause the same old feelings to return. Having been without T for a while it may require some relearning how to deal with the anger.

[Sarah_P]

You be you! If you're comfortable with that, more power to you. You're also not the only one on here who has chosen that path, so I don't see why anyone would have a problem with you sticking around. I sure don't! 

As far as the anger issues, you may try just a low dose of E. I think that's what some others have done.

[Steph Eigen]

It's most important that you've come to know and understand  yourself, can live in a way that is consistent with your internal image of your being and gender.

The point concerning the return of dysphoria is an important one. 

I hope you can continue to be happy and manage to remain without disabling dysphoria on your current course.

Steph

[Laurie]

Kairi

You are certainly welcome here. Your decision to stop transition is a decision that only you can decide whether it is right for you or not. Your statement that you are female makes you transgender not any opinion  by any of us. You are trans and as such you belong here with the rest of us.

Welcome home Kairi,

Laurie

[MissKairi]

Firstly, thank you ya lovely lot. You ain't all that bad

That anger is the dysphoria returning.  I've done the same thing and stopped HRT twice and both times the dysphoria returned shortly along with the anger, depression, and everything else.

Hmmm, I'm not so sure for me. I've had heavy dysphoria before but it's been in conjunction with confusion and obsessive thinking rather than anger and depression.
I've always exploded with rage all my life but it seems now my tolerance level is basically zero, whereas before it was very high.
I don't hold any grudge against the people who do this to me at all and within a few seconds I can carry on like nothing ever happened.

Maybe this is part of my growth as a person (haha ->-bleeped-<-ty way to grow I know) to stand up for myself all the time rather than letter people walk over me...but gone too far.

I do appreciate your concern

In tbe end you have to be you.

Ain't that the truth. As my above ramblings, maybe I am now truly being ME rather than a suppressed, watered down version of ME.

I never stopped HRT. I suspect going from HRT to T will cause the same old feelings to return. Having been without T for a while it may require some relearning how to deal with the anger.

That's also a strong possibility. I was on E for fifteen weeks on a (I can't say but not very high dose) and I was calm and placid.
Since I stopped, I can't take any BS from people, where as before and during I would shrug it off with a smile.

Maybe I need to find a way to deal with it again or maybe my chemistry isn't back on track yet.

You be you! If you're comfortable with that, more power to you. You're also not the only one on here who has chosen that path, so I don't see why anyone would have a problem with you sticking around. I sure don't! 

As far as the anger issues, you may try just a low dose of E. I think that's what some others have done.

Awww thanks A low dose of E is an idea but wouldn't it, given enough time, still give me the female characteristics, that I wish to avoid?

It's most important that you've come to know and understand  yourself, can live in a way that is consistent with your internal image of your being and gender.

Steph

Yup, it's far from self peace but self acceptance might be a better term

[Dena]

Once you reach some point in your transition, the walls that you used to contain the emotions tend to come down as they are no longer needed. If you decide to continue the detransition , I would suggest some therapy in order to handle these emotions. Containment like all of us do isn't a very healthy way to handle the emotions but neither is venting them in public. A therapist should be able to provide you with better ways of coping.