Feeling bad for the first time in a long time. Need advice

[SailorMars1994]

Hey everyone. I am not on this forum anywhere near as much as I used to be. Mainly due to a big move, looking for work and by and large enjoying life. I got good and bad to talk about and was wondering if someone can help me figure out what is going on in brain box.

First the bad: Well, as good as life has been as of late something snapped  Yestarday. It was like my mind was set where it was back in say Jan or Feb.. but not at the same degree. I woke up and felt off. Which was strange given how 'on' I have been feeling normally. On as in on friday night I remeber coming home from an LGBT meet up feeling on-top of the world and really just thinking positivley and on the brighter side. I was laughing at moon moon for crying out loud, that is how care-free I was xD.. and on wednesday was much the same. I got up, felt like the normal happy woman I have been until I got mega allergies, but I still went into Brandon to get tacos and felt like 1 million bucks mentally. All because I felt and have been feeling mentally free from my old nemisis .... ''him''. ''he'', the old life of masculinty and manhood I was pushed into. With that thing gone and living authentically as a 23 year old woman I have been able to feel happy and everyone around me has noticed, including me.

Yestarday morning however, we went into the city to do some arrons. I had my hair streigtened, make on point, amazing purple jacket, looking like myself. However, I got anxious looking in mirrors. Why? well because even with shaving (hence my thread from yestarday) I am super self consious about any facial hair or beard shadow.. I despise it even more then the evil penis. I sometimes apply make up over the same place 4 times in the same day to avoid any possiblilty of having that disgraceful blemish shine through. It is one thing that gets me super anxious still. Anyways, looking at  a mirror would have produced some anxeity because I may be able to see that evil poking out if the light is in a certian way. However I didnt see it, I saw a beautiful woman and was going to feel happy.. but then, not a voice but something was like ''MAN'' in my head, which produced anxiety: Over heated body, heart pumping, ect. It was not nice. And this haunted me for the next while. We then went to Wal Mart and I had to get up and leave as the gross ''male'' feeling was kicking in. I was having an anxiety attack (didnt help that 100s of people were also around). I had to sit in the car to collect myself. I then applied some more make-up and then looked in the car mirror that is atatched to sun visor. I looked and saw my apir of eyes, they are quite naturally feminine and realizing this quickly made me feel amazing for the first time that day. I was able to re-gain confidence and go back and finish all that had ot be done. We did a few more things and I felt great right up till last night.

The ''he'' feelings came back. And I was actually feeling very anxious and grossed out. I felt at one point as though soul was sucked out of body. I was not there. I also do not know what this is happening. I look, present and feel female now. So how did the evil ''him'' and feelings of male-like-ness come back? I still get dysphoira over facial hair yes and the penis (yuck), but i dont and havent ''felt'' like a ''male'' due to it, I just see myself as a woman with a few blemishes due to a birth condition. However, last night my mind was in a spin. I felt bad when I let the ''man'' ideas kick in, and then to feel good I would realize how good life is now and that it is because I accepted myself as a woman but as soon as I began to feel normal again my brain would trigger ''him'' again and I went back down. This morning exact same thing. Its just bad because this is what had happened before. prior to my april 2016 meltdown as we all know about I hated being male, but unlike today it was kinda hard to accpet being female at the same time back then. I knew being a woman was something that felt right and good but I just had hard time accepting I was truly female or trans, even if I was already out. The male feelings and dysphoria were still very real. And they made me feel awful. However when my life crashed down it was a split between extreme dysphoira or having something in my mind push me into being a man again and ''accepting''  ''him'' (the male life and male living again)but having even worse feelings such as extreme irritation, self harm, anxiety on an unheard od scale, losing my mind, basically being where I was before April. That is the ultimatum my brain gives. Because I know now and have known for years being a man is not in my cards. It is either dysphoira or a weird manic push that makes me crazy trying to be a ''him''. It is getting somewhat better, tho that is almost exclussivley due to reflecting on the good that I will post next below and that may get over powered by the horridness.








now the good:

From Sept 15-22, argueablly my best friend and I am a bit embaresed to say this as I pride myself now on being a strong independent woman, but also my emotional rock came up to Petawawa for  visit. She is trans too but pre-everything, though I think someday real real frigging soon she will be coming out. We had been friends for 2 years and conversed on the internet nearly everyday since then. She came out and we did everything together. We went to Ottawa to shop, went for bike ride at this nice beach like area in Quebec that had a path for walking and biking, ate at some great resturants, went swimming, bowled at a place in Renfrew ON, went star gazing,  nature walks in forest... you  get it, a lot!!! It was magical. She still is my best friend atm and I love her.Being bron in 1996 she is only 2 years young so in a way, you could say she was like that sister i never had. You can tell I have a strong sisterly love bond for her as when she left on the 22nd I nearly cried (something I still have a hard time doing), I would stare at the clock counting the hours at work through time to time counting how long it has been since seeing her. And even the next few days was much the same. That never happens with me.


I moved, which could end up being good... time will tell. Anyways, on the drive from old town to new I didnt really have major anxiety, and I was able to be social with my family and the such. We drove all through Ontario into new province and life was pretty good !. We stopped in Winnipeg on October 1st for a family dinner. Everyone was amazing. I was called Ashley and she'd and her'd and my heart just felt fuzzy. I was included in more female talk I found then I was back in 2015. My, as I like to call him old school Irish grandfather ( From the old way of Irish life, not the new modern Ireland:n 78 years old, very Catholic, goes to church more then 2 times a week, talks about how great god is, if not a Conservative party member then a very huge supporter) was nothing but sweet to me. Refering to me also with female pronouns and correct name. In fact out of my whole family he was probably the least judgemental and we often spend hours talking about politics, religion, ect and although he admitted he will never understand what it is like to be trans or why one would want to transition, he said he will accept me and love me no matter what. 

Also, for the first time since 2015 I saw my judgemental cousin there too. The one who always either tried to get me to doubt myself or be flat out rude when i was feeling happy about becoming female on the outside 2 years ago. He tried to be ''civil'' but I ignored him and gave him the screw off look. Yes I didnt give him a chance but that is how I work, when you become nothing to me it is near impossible to every become something again. I was not anxious at all like I was in 2015 meeting him or others because since then, I found my voice. I can tell people what I think and I dont pretend to like people who are nasty.

After that we came to our new town and I wasted no time looking for work. Got a few job interviews and and just waiting back for a call, many of them for this week. Tbh, I have never felt more alive. I connect to myself more. I see a beautiful woman in the mirror, I naturally feel female without worrying if i am just a day dreamer taking things too far. I have confidence I never really had and have had for a while. I havent really gotten too dysphoric by and large either, I am trying to get a hold of people so I can even get GRS by next year!! heres hoping anyway. I have never connected to my innerself like I have and I feel like I naturally belong with other females as opposed to just wishing I was and that I am a fraud that is a nothing. I honestly can not describe the warm feelings that I get over this new-found (well a few months now) feeling of femininity taking over. I also got approved for even a higher dosage of E! In many ways I dont think I can describe how life is actually getting better, I can not put into words on a general level.. then about yestarday... things got odd...

Thanks for reading. love you all <3

[rmaddy]

Dysphoria surges and recedes, and it's not always clear why a crisis of confidence/identity happens.  The good thing is that they tend to fade, although when you're deep inside it, the anxiety can be crushing.  I think it's important to have:

1.  Professional help
2.  Social support
3.  A crisis management plan, particularly regarding personal safety.

Most importantly, when you are consumed with anxiety, you are not in a rational state, and it is not a good time to make decisions or even think too deeply about yourself.  Breathe.  Meditate.  Make use of your support.  Doubt is part of dysphoria.  Doubt also tends to present you with tyrannical choices.  Either you're totally male/female or a phony.  Once you're out of the crisis, you'll recognize that this is BS, but again, in the moment, you buy into it.

Remember that you are trans and that trans people feel this.  The return of dysphoria is not a failure on your part.  Maybe there is a reason for the crisis, and maybe not.  Figure that out later, when you can think clearly again.

We all go through this, girl.  Even non-transfolk have identity crises.  You're not the only one.  You matter.  You're beautiful no matter effing what.

May the dark times be few and brief.

[Laurie]

 Hi Ashley,

  I am sorry that you are having difficulties. I know how it can suck. About all I can suggest is that you keep doing what you are doing and focus on the good stuff you have experienced until this low spot passes.
  I wish I had some good advice for you but I don't have any, not even for myself. I wish I could help.

Best wishes and big Hugs for you Ashley.

Laurie

[Lady Lisandra]

I feel happy for you. You remind me of myself a year ago. I still remember the first time I presented as a woman in a new place. I wasn't even living part-time. But I at some degree pased on the street. I started a sewing workshop. Oh gods, the nerves...! I was terrified and thought that the professor and the other students would clock me. It didn't fee good. I felt I was a man pretending to be a woman.

Those feelings are gone now . I don't consider myself male anymore and I'm happier than I ever was.

About the bad part, I believe every human being has a male and a female part, each of us in different proportions. Perhaps you still have a significant inner guy. That doesn't mean you're not a woman. Even cis girls have a masculine side.
Maybe you just need to learn how to mix and balance both sides.

[SailorMars1994]

I feel happy for you. You remind me of myself a year ago. I still remember the first time I presented as a woman in a new place. I wasn't even living part-time. But I at some degree pased on the street. I started a sewing workshop. Oh gods, the nerves...! I was terrified and thought that the professor and the other students would clock me. It didn't fee good. I felt I was a man pretending to be a woman.

Those feelings are gone now . I don't consider myself male anymore and I'm happier than I ever was.

About the bad part, I believe every human being has a male and a female part, each of us in different proportions. Perhaps you still have a significant inner guy. That doesn't mean you're not a woman. Even cis girls have a masculine side.
Maybe you just need to learn how to mix and balance both sides.

I appreciate what you are trying to say, but that bit that I bolded did not help and actually made me feel quite a bit worse. there is nothing male about me....

[Lady Lisandra]

Perhaps I didn't express myself correctly. I didn't mean a big muscular and bearded guy when I talked about an inner guy  . I was speaking in a more spiritual way. We don't even have to name it male/female. We can talk about solar and lunar aspects of you. Like Yin and Yang. I don't know if you understand me. Perhaps that "him" sensation is your solar side needing just a bit of oxygen, and doesn't really have to do with "him".

I'm just making a suggestion and giving a different point of view. But if you feel like it's not helping at all I'll shut up.

[SailorMars1994]

I made a bad and near vedictive post that i had to remove. Sorry to anyone who saw it but yes, I do get extremely angry and near rabid vicious when I am presented with a ''him'' idea or have a ''him'' idea put into my head. I cant go back or even entertian any form of male-like crap again. That $h*t needs to be flushed out of the system if there even is any.

With that said, what do you mean by solar side?

[Bari Jo]

Hi Sailor, I'm just starting the journey and only feel feminine on the inside.  I've been reading and have gone to many group sessions where a lot of people have similar feelings as you and they are 100% passable.  The bad part of this is sometimes no matter how we look on the outside our inner dialogue can take over.  We are here for you though.  We have all experienced dysphoria in so many different ways.  I really think this is all it is, and it will go away, perhaps maybe increase your e?  It's the one thing I think that is keeping the dysphoria at bay for me right now.

No worries about the post.  These are powerful feelings.  I just spent a week crying, over minor things.  I still immediately get choked up if anybody does anything nice for me.

We are here for you.  Hugs.

Bari Jo

[SailorMars1994]

Dysphoria surges and recedes, and it's not always clear why a crisis of confidence/identity happens.  The good thing is that they tend to fade, although when you're deep inside it, the anxiety can be crushing.  I think it's important to have:

1.  Professional help
2.  Social support
3.  A crisis management plan, particularly regarding personal safety.

Most importantly, when you are consumed with anxiety, you are not in a rational state, and it is not a good time to make decisions or even think too deeply about yourself.  Breathe.  Meditate.  Make use of your support.  Doubt is part of dysphoria.  Doubt also tends to present you with tyrannical choices.  Either you're totally male/female or a phony.  Once you're out of the crisis, you'll recognize that this is BS, but again, in the moment, you buy into it.

Remember that you are trans and that trans people feel this.  The return of dysphoria is not a failure on your part.  Maybe there is a reason for the crisis, and maybe not.  Figure that out later, when you can think clearly again.

We all go through this, girl.  Even non-transfolk have identity crises.  You're not the only one.  You matter.  You're beautiful no matter effing what.

May the dark times be few and brief.

Thanks ! and thanks to the rest of ya!

[SailorMars1994]

Hi Sailor, I'm just starting the journey and only feel feminine on the inside.  I've been reading and have gone to many group sessions where a lot of people have similar feelings as you and they are 100% passable.  The bad part of this is sometimes no matter how we look on the outside our inner dialogue can take over.  We are here for you though.  We have all experienced dysphoria in so many different ways.  I really think this is all it is, and it will go away, perhaps maybe increase your e?  It's the one thing I think that is keeping the dysphoria at bay for me right now.

No worries about the post.  These are powerful feelings.  I just spent a week crying, over minor things.  I still immediately get choked up if anybody does anything nice for me.

We are here for you.  Hugs.

Bari Jo

Thanks sister! I am here for you too with anything you may need! I should know I am not a lone, but it still doesnt make these awful feelings feel less. The issue is I had this type of thing happen to me 18 months ago and it nearly ended my life. This weekend, I am just axnious which still sucks as I dont want to be trapped in a negative episode.. again, over the same crap, again.

You are beautiful by the way <3

[Lady Lisandra]

With that said, what do you mean by solar side?

It's a way of refering to things usually asociated with male withouth making a reference to gender. Society usually forces guys to behave in solar ways, and girls to do so in lunar ways. But that doesn't mean there can't be solar women or lunar men. It's not one or the other, they're both part of the same thing, just different poles. Like Yin and Yang. two sides of the same thing. One can't exist withouth the other.

[SailorMars1994]

Interesting...

See, i actually realized a few days ago that I have a lot of my dads personality, and tbh I like it. Not the over masculine crap but other things. I like that, I like it becuase it suits me in proper situations and also because as I realized this, I didnt feel male at all!!!. That was the thing that mattered most above all else.

Idk if thats one thing you mean, but I do no associate that with masculinity or a ''man''.. if someone were to, and in the past make a connection to said thing and a man, and that means I relate to men and that must make me a ''man'' is when things go south in a split second. I am unsure if that is more connected to what you were talking about.

[bobbisue]

   Ashley I have been reading your posts for quite a while now and no one could convince me you are anything but 100% a woman your gender is in your heart mind and soul I may never pass but I am a lady always have been always will be  sometimes we are our biggest critics some days I see beautiful [young?] woman in the mirror other times I see a sad old man but I know the truth I am woman

  bobbisue

[Lady Lisandra]

It could be. I don't really know you and know nothing of your life, so I can't give a more accurate oppinion.

[SailorMars1994]

   Ashley I have been reading your posts for quite a while now and no one could convince me you are anything but 100% a woman your gender is in your heart mind and soul I may never pass but I am a lady always have been always will be  sometimes we are our biggest critics some days I see beautiful [young?] woman in the mirror other times I see a sad old man but I know the truth I am woman

  bobbisue

Thanks BobbieSue <3!!, there is not much doubt in mind now, and I am feeling a bit better. Sadly for whatever reason when those moments happen it can feel like life vs death. Yup, i am a spaz

[Jessica Lynne]

Hey Ash...all I got is that they don't call this a roller coaster for nothing. Some days just plain blow. I spent last Wednesday in bed with absolutely crippling dysphoria. When I woke up the next morning, I was good. It's just gonna happen till we get where were headed. Hopefully it passes then, Ill let you know?

[Rachel]

Hi Ashley,

You have been going through a lot of change lately. It all weighs on you.

I understand about the facial hair. Do not think you are alone in that.

You have been doing so well and I am happy for you.

[SailorMars1994]

Hi Ashley,

You have been going through a lot of change lately. It all weighs on you.

I understand about the facial hair. Do not think you are alone in that.

You have been doing so well and I am happy for you.

Thank you Rachel, I envy you and the lovely Jessica above, reply 15. You two ladies had to go what , well over many decades until you became who you are. And look at you two <3. The facial hair sucks and I can understand the whole not wanting to get out of bed part that many ladies here have gone through too. My issue is this and it has made self acceptance and transition much harder then it had to be:

Whenever a set back of dysphoira kicks in, my mind goes into not just the typical dysphoria problems (depression, anxiety, distress,ect) but also into a state of paralysis. If I feel that chain of masculinity attach itself to me, and it becomes too powerful for too long then it overwhelm and that is all I can feel. Even in spite of looking and feeling like a woman 100% for like ever now, that feeling of insecuirty pops in. Issue is, after the soul crushing is somwhat over and I can associate somewhat with my true feelings and sense of self, as soon as I begin to connect and feel myself mt mind instantly, and I crap you not, instantly fixates on penis, or any other think that is associated with maleness or manhood. Now I get it, many of ladies keep their penis and of course it does not invalidate their experience and their identiy in the slightest. But for me, it is a huge blemish and cause of disgust. That among other things. So then I am back to either depression or a hyper-anxiety fixation of that, once again by-passing the happy feelings I could feel and generally have been feeling 10 fold this past while.

I am sorry to beat the dead horse, but I have walk down a dark road before due to insecurity. So if I ask or repeat anything it is not to be a pain or whiner, its just I need advice and as much as possible (and thanks for replying <3 ). I know who I am, but the hiccups litterly crash everything.

Thanks <3

[Rachel]

I understand about genital dysphoria too. I know that making positive steps to get GCS helped and in the end GCS cured the genital dysphoria. It is a long road that starts with a first step.

I have MTF trans friends that like their penis and using it. There are several that are ambivalent and several that hate their gonads and could care less about their penis. Several woman make their living but would like to get rid of their junk but have to keep it. Everyone is different and I identify with your need to have GCS.

I have read several people comment that it is good to question if you should have GCS. I never questioned it. It was just something I needed from a young age. I guess everyone is different and have different needs.

I have been doing electrolysis forever, it feels. I am doing 1 hour a week from a transwoman that charges $50/hr. I have about 300 hours from another person that does electrolysis and 10 hours with the new person. I understand how facial hair is an issue.

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Ashley.  Just catching up to this thread after a crazy busy day.

I am sorry you were feeling down.  I don't know how the feelings spiral out of control for you, but I can tell it makes you miserable.  The impression I get from reading your posts is that you get a hit of dysphoria for whatever reason (dysphoria is like that: it comes and goes), and it triggers a panic attack.  That kind of turns it into a double-whammy.

It is not something I can advise you on, because it is outside of my experience.  I would suggest that it is something you would want to talk about with your therapist.

I can relate to facial hair as a dysphoria trigger.  I, too, am doing an hour a week of electrolysis, which means three days a week of increasing stubble.  Ugh!!  I keep the dysphoria under control by reminding myself that I am a proud trans woman and this is just something I have to do in order to become myself, something that most trans women have to do.