Wandering down gender road

[Kendra]

> I'm going to need some electrolysis for white facial hairs.  I'd like to try low dose estrogen

My recommendation is: if you are able to, find a good electrologist and make an appointment right now.  I found the pain from electrolysis tolerable but definitely increased after I started HRT, and jumped again when the endocrinologist increased my dosage.  In hindsight I am glad I went full-tilt into electrolysis before starting estradiol. 

By placing a high priority on hair removal I avoided having to let stubble grow for electrolysis after I went full-time.  By that point I had already thrown away all my shavers - no longer needed.

[christinej78]

Another Nikki,

Don't fret about age; it's only too late when they are throwing dirt in your face. I'll be 78 in four months. Officially started my transition 6 weeks ago.

The only looking back is wishing I had done this years ago instead of living a lie for most of my life. I'm in the fourth quarter of life; I plan to spend the remainder of this quarter as a woman and hoping to go into overtime.

Best Always,
Christine

[davina61]

Well I am 63 tomorrow and decided a bit over a year ago that it was now or never and I couldn't do never. Only cross dressed  on the sly till then but it was not enough, now full time and no chance of passing but don't care as I am now ME the me I should have been years ago

[christinej78]

Well I am 63 tomorrow and decided a bit over a year ago that it was now or never and I couldn't do never. Only cross dressed  on the sly till then but it was not enough, now full time and no chance of passing but don't care as I am now ME the me I should have been years ago

Davina,        15 Apr 18

Well, Happy, Happy Birthday; hope you have a great one!

I lived a lie for 48 years, like you I cross dressed in private; when not CDing I always wore women's underwear. I first wanted to be a girl then a woman. Back then it was difficult to do. Now I'm a woman and there's no going back. I doubt I will ever be able to pass without surgery that would bankrupt the country. I'll do some but I'll never be able to wear a short dress, my legs are knock kneed and don't look feminine. Slacks and jeans are fine and if I don't pass, so what. It's our right to be happy and we have no obligation to live the way someone else thinks we should just because they don't approve.

I like being part of the TG community, a distinct minority. I don't want to be just another cog in the wheel of "conforming" souls, many of which are unhappy. We have a right to be who we want to be.

I'd also like to be a Bald Eagle. I have the bald part down pat, it's the wings that would be a problem.

Take care Davina. live your life the way that makes you happy,

Best always,
Christine

[blackcat]

Christine, I'm curious, would you care to elaborate more on what you said here?

I first wanted to be a girl then a woman.

[christinej78]

Christine, I'm curious, would you care to elaborate more on what you said here?

Blackcat,         15 Apr 18

Sure; when I was a young kid from about four or five I wanted to be a girl, when I reached adulthood I wanted to be a women; now I "are" one.

As for the Bald Eagle, it was a reference to the fact that I'm bald and a pilot.

Did I miss anything kittycat? If I did, please let me know. I have many years worth of history, about 10 different careers, made 77 orbits around the sun on a spaceship, so it might take a while to "splain" it all.

Best always kittycat,
Christine

PS:

If you had read some of my other posts you wouldn't have had to ask.

[pamelatransuk]

Hello Nikki

It is so wonderful to see you have made such progress over the 6 months.

I started late (aged 62) sought therapy and now 10 weeks on HRT.

I would advice not to worry about age and agree that Electrolysis would be wise in the near future and then perhaps voice training.

I wish you well on your journey.

Pamela


Hello Blackcat and Christine

Oh Yes. For those of us that knew as a child as I did also, indeed we wish to be girl till we are about 14 and of course we wish to be a woman.

This is (for those who knew early) proof that gender identity is a completely separate matter to sexuality.

Pamela

[christinej78]

Hello Nikki

It is so wonderful to see you have made such progress over the 6 months.
.
.
Pamela


Hello Blackcat and Christine

Oh Yes. For those of us that knew as a child as I did also, indeed we wish to be girl till we are about 14 and of course we wish to be a woman.

This is (for those who knew early) proof that gender identity is a completely separate matter to sexuality.

Pamela

Thank you Pamela,                16 Apr 2018

You validated my response.

I thought you where a young lady and now I know you are; I sure enjoy this family and site.

Best always
Christine

[pamelatransuk]

Thank you Christine You are so sweet. I know you are a wonderful young lady also.

Needless to say, I love this site.

Pamela

[Another Nikki]

I feel like I'm standing at the edge of a cliff.

I'm about 3/4 done with laser facial hair removal.  No regrets and I really look forward to finishing up.  I would love to have all my body hair removed by laser but I don't have the money.

I made an appointment and saw a Kaiser therapist.  I was super nervous but spilled my guts when she asked me why I was there.  We had a second appointment where I told her I wanted to start HRT, which brings me to the edge of the cliff.

I met with the doctor who will prescribe and manage the 'mones.  All went well and the labs are done.  In the next week or two we should have a phone appointment, then she will put the script in.

So I feel like the depression has pretty much resolved as I keep making slow progress forward.  Gender is still ALWAYS on my mind unless I'm concentrating on something that requires immediate presence of mind.  It sucks.  I can't imagine having gender obsessions for the rest of my life.

But then I think I must be crazy for considering upheaving my body chemistry and my physiology.  My labs looked really good.  I'm in pretty good shape, with a minimum of family health issues.  Objectively my life is going well in most areas...family, career, friends.

And yet I'm still driven to potentially blow it all up by taking that step off the cliff....

[HappyMoni]

Hi Nikki,
   I hope you are able to find a paper bag to breath into to get that breathing back to normal. You are going to be fine. Everything you write indicates that the hormones are what you seek and need. I think when we think about taking a step, even if it is right for us, our brains kick into panic mode and cause us to question. I think it is a survival thing. Actually, if you start and think it isn't right for you, you can back away. I kind of doubt that will happen, but you have the option.
   As for having gender obsessions the rest of your life, I think the hormones will help with this. It did for me for quite a while. My body dysphoria overrode this after six months. If you don't have much body dysphoria as you said, you should be in good shape. I personally have reached a point in my life where, finally, gender doesn't rule everything. So, I got ta think it is possible for you too. I hope so. Oh, and don't stop telling us what is going on, one occasional poster to another. lol
Moni

[KathyLauren]

Gender is still ALWAYS on my mind unless I'm concentrating on something that requires immediate presence of mind.  It sucks.  I can't imagine having gender obsessions for the rest of my life.

Nikki, what you describe is like being in a burning airplane.  If you are in a burning airplane, the smart thing to do is to check your parachute and then take that long step out the door.

Relax, you will be fine.  Far from messing with your body chemistry, you will be fixing it.  Many of us have been exactly where you are right now.  Chances are that HRT will be the best thing that ever happened to you.  If not, you can always stop taking them.

I am rapidly forgetting what it was like to obsess about gender all the time.  Now, I just love being myself, and that doesn't get old. 

Come on in; the water is fine!

[krobinson103]

Hello Nikki

It is so wonderful to see you have made such progress over the 6 months.

I started late (aged 62) sought therapy and now 10 weeks on HRT.

I would advice not to worry about age and agree that Electrolysis would be wise in the near future and then perhaps voice training.

I wish you well on your journey.

Pamela


Hello Blackcat and Christine

Oh Yes. For those of us that knew as a child as I did also, indeed we wish to be girl till we are about 14 and of course we wish to be a woman.

This is (for those who knew early) proof that gender identity is a completely separate matter to sexuality.

Pamela

I knew what I needed to do when I was 13. That was 30 years ago. A year into transition all I can say is.. I should have listened to me! But thats ok because I still have the other half of my life to make up for it. Yes... gender identity has nothing to do with sexual preference. Transitioning made zero difference to the fact that I'm bi...

[HappyMoni]

I knew what I needed to do when I was 13. That was 30 years ago. A year into transition all I can say is.. I should have listened to me! But thats ok because I still have the other half of my life to make up for it. Yes... gender identity has nothing to do with sexual preference. Transitioning made zero difference to the fact that I'm bi...

For some this is true about sexual preference. I can say that this is not true for all.

[Another Nikki]

a minor hiccup.  my cholesterol was a little high(genetic, my weight, diet and exercise are fine), so i have to go on statins to bring it down before my doc will write the script.  What's funny is when I was a day away from hrt i was totally stessy about committing, and now there's a delay I'm bummed I have to wait a month for the statins to work.  Siiiiggghhhhh.

[Alice (nym)]

wow I really relate to the original post. Thank you Nikki for posting that when you did and the updates since. I am still working it out in my head. Trying to get to grips with just being more open about my feelings. But it is very useful reading your own experience and I would like to sincerely thank you for that.

AND... thank you for putting me onto     


The Gender Variant Phenomenon--A Developmental Review

By Anne Vitale Ph.D.

That too was very useful to read. Yes, I can definitely identify with Group 3. But I found it frightening that the only cure to the anxiety seems to be acceptance and transition. The 50 year old example given is very close to what happened to me over the weekend.

I think, whether she likes it or not, I am going to have to have a conversation with my wife soon, not about transitioning but about being more open. I might wait until after I speak with the therapist first.

I was thinking about the beard after reading AV's article... my wife was the person who encouraged me to grow a beard... and I think that was because she thought it would stop me CDing... but after reading the article, I think perhaps I use it as a mask. I accept having a beard because it helps me hide who I am better. It is something more to think about.

Sorry, I keep talking too much about me... this is your thread and I feel really privileged to read it and draw help from it. Thank you once more. 

[HappyMoni]

a minor hiccup.  my cholesterol was a little high(genetic, my weight, diet and exercise are fine), so i have to go on statins to bring it down before my doc will write the script.  What's funny is when I was a day away from hrt i was totally stessy about committing, and now there's a delay I'm bummed I have to wait a month for the statins to work.  Siiiiggghhhhh.

Guess that tells ya something!

[Another Nikki]

 Nym, Im glad it helped.  I don't mind peeps posting up their own issues in this thread.  I did the same and combined with meeting a wide variety of trans people in real life as well as spending hours reading meatier articles and forums I was able to figure out roughly where I was on the trans spectrum. 

For me, it was a mix of disparity and fear when I read and then accepted the GD wasn't going to away.  Dr. Vitale wrote she considers it to be Gender Expression Anxiety Disorder, which I think is mostly accurate.  Can you find a solution that works for you short of full time?  There are plenty of people that find relief finding a support/social group where they can get out en femme regularly, go to weeklong events once a year and maybe crossdress sometimes at home.

Dr. Vitale and i'm assuming other therapists would help you work through your needs to find a solution that works while minimizing the impact to the rest of your life and stakeholders. 

After accepting I was trans, I spent a couple years doing the above, but concluded after about a year I really need to go through life experiencing the world as a woman.  I deeply wish a part time solution would have worked, it would be a lot easier.

good luck.

[Alice (nym)]

Thank you Nikki. Your thread inspired me to take the first step today and talk with my wife again about this side of me. We made a number of compromises and I think I can live with those. But I am going to start trying to be a lot more open from now on and honest with myself. That alone is a huge step for me.

[Another Nikki]

a minor hiccup.  my cholesterol was a little high(genetic, my weight, diet and exercise are fine), so i have to go on statins to bring it down before my doc will write the script.  What's funny is when I was a day away from hrt i was totally stessy about committing, and now there's a delay I'm bummed I have to wait a month for the statins to work.  Siiiiggghhhhh.

Annnnd today I began hrt.  Rubbing alcohol on a cotton pad to clean the skin and stuck the patch on.  Tomorrow I'll start Spiro with breakfast.  It's been 2.5 years since I came out of denial about being trans and began thinking about hrt as an option.  I think that's a long enough reflection period