In the spirit of Moni's infrequent poster thread, i though i would throw this out there...
I'm mid 40's. I cd'd starting around 5. I got caught and got better at hiding it. I have clear memories of wanting to be a girl when i was 10 or 11. I remember reading Are You There God, it's me Margaret, and sooooo wishing I was Margaret, including wishing I could have period like her.
I also got REALLY good at surpressing mannerisms, speech, gestures, etc., that i thought would out me as a T whatever. I wanted to fit in as a boy.
Once i got out of high school I slowly moved towards fully presenting female in secret. I met my now wife and she helped with buying clothes and makeup, but a moment of truth happened along the way and she kinda freaked. being madly in love, i put everything in the mental closet except lingerie for sexy time for 25 years.
I caught glimpses and stories of people transitioning, and daydreamed of it, but quickly changed the mental subject- maybe because it scared me, but mostly because i was in denial. Lots of fantasies about being female bodied. When my mind would go there, i would freak and change the subject. And massive shame about it all. I snuck around the library in college trying to find books about transsexuals like Jorgensen. And paranoia someone would find out, I would be outed. I stayed really really busy. college, grad school, family, career, hobbies, project homes, etc.
About 2 years ago i said the hell with paranoia over my internet search history. One thing led to another and i found myself reading stories about trans people. And with a sick feeling in my stomach, I admitted to myself I was trans something. I told my wife, to whom i confided about cd'ing 25 years earlier. I fit about 80% of anne vitale's group 3.
Since then the big self reveal a couple years ago, the GD has started. I call it the ever present background noise. Trans is always on my mind. Always. Sometimes i get melancholy and feel like i need to transition immediately or i'm gonna lose my s. Other times i'm thinking about it and i'm kinda meh, like what the hell is wrong with me. Sometimes i wish i could go back two years and be a bedroom cd'er. Except i don't have any desire to be a bedroom cd'er. And having been to a couple tg events and read enough threads by cd'er, i know, i'm not a cd. though it would be easier.
What I think I really want is to live life as a woman. To interact with the world as a woman. To be in relationship with the people i care about as a woman. To spend all aspects of my life with my wife(nice rhyme!) as a woman. To go to Costco as a woman. To go to a party and naturally
associate with the women and not be the guy that's hanging out with the women. I could go on ad nauseum. I would gladly trade all male privilege for the opportunity to do so.
But the problem for me is twofold: I'm unable to convince myself that I have a woman's brain, but I'm wrong bodied. I'm definitely not wired like a stereotypical guy, but to say "I'm a woman", is a leap I can't make yet. I'd like to, but i swore off self deception.
2. I feel like a fraud. My gut tells me "honey, you're brain is about as trans as they come, short of a 5 year old male bodied boy that declares she's a girl". But intellectually i can't seem to get there. Maybe it's internalized transphobia- i worked through a bunch of that this summer. Maybe it's fear of transition- of taking steps that may or may not be reversible and life changing. My personality is fairly conservative- i'm a toe in the water person, not a jump off the diving board. Perhaps it's a fear of change and letting go of male. I was mediocre at it, but i tried really hard for a long time.
I don't know that there's a question...maybe just a reflection of where i'm at, and wondering who else has been at a similar point during their journey. I have come out to a few people, and i don't seem to be too hung up about that.
< Thread topic renamed at original poster's request >
