My boobs are growing!! (Charlie Nicki's Diary)

[Charlie Nicki]

I've been feeling sad for the past 3 days. My face looked terrible after my third laser session (it's better now) and I've been basically feeling lonely and unlovable, also thinking about my ex which doesn't help. And then, the fact that I need to have all these medical appointments and spend so much money on my transition is so stressful as well...There isn't a day when the thought of "I wish I would die" doesn't appear in my head. There isn't a day when I don't wish I was cisgender. This is one lonely and difficult road...But I keep going. End of rant.

[Laurie]

I've been feeling sad for the past 3 days. My face looked terrible after my third laser session (it's better now) and I've been basically feeling lonely and unlovable, also thinking about my ex which doesn't help. And then, the fact that I need to have all these medical appointments and spend so much money on my transition is so stressful as well...There isn't a day when the thought of "I wish I would die" doesn't appear in my head. There isn't a day when I don't wish I was cisgender. This is one lonely and difficult road...But I keep going. End of rant.

NIcki,

  It saddens me to read the post above. The trials surrounding transition can very well be overwhelming. ( I speak from experience ) The laser issues are short term and will pass. The cost of procedures are not so large when taken one at a time. The stress can be managed.
  The thoughts in our heads are no less daunting but don't allow yourself to fall into that death wish. It is a horrible place to be. I know. I visit it often these days when I'm not there I am in "I just don't care about anything " land. On occasion I shed a tear or two but even that isn't good. before this I cried a lot and wish it would stop. Well it did, it morphed into the state I am in now.   A numbness.  a numbness to the events around me. Nothing really matters anymore, I just don't care if I am alive or not and it is far worse than the crying of before. 
  Don't go where I am Nicki. Life can hurt when you care but the hurt means you are still alive and can feel.

laurie

[Charlie Nicki]

NIcki,

  It saddens me to read the post above. The trials surrounding transition can very well be overwhelming. ( I speak from experience ) The laser issues are short term and will pass. The cost of procedures are not so large when taken one at a time. The stress can be managed.
  The thoughts in our heads are no less daunting but don't allow yourself to fall into that death wish. It is a horrible place to be. I know. I visit it often these days when I'm not there I am in "I just don't care about anything " land. On occasion I shed a tear or two but even that isn't good. before this I cried a lot and wish it would stop. Well it did, it morphed into the state I am in now.   A numbness.  a numbness to the events around me. Nothing really matters anymore, I just don't care if I am alive or not and it is far worse than the crying of before. 
  Don't go where I am Nicki. Life can hurt when you care but the hurt means you are still alive and can feel.

laurie

Thanks for the advice Laurie, I really appreciate it.

[Roll]

I don't really know what to say other than to say if you ever need to talk make sure to reach out! I have been getting hit hard with the financial worries too (almost $500 I don't really have just in the past 3 days between therapist and today's HRT appointment, it's going to be a peanut butter and jelly month), but as Laurie alluded to, in the grand scheme of things they aren't too bad. (Aside from having to pay out of pocket, it is actually the least expensive "condition" I have, strangely.) And as I look at the future I am just waiting for when something just finally breaks me and I retreat back into my hole. What I'm trying to say, is that you aren't alone in those feelings!

Just... well, just stay safe, and take it day by day. I have complete faith that we will all find our ways through the ups and down and find what we need in the end!

[Izzy Grace]

Indeed, reach out! Many of you have helped me, I hope I can help you back. have you looked into local trans support groups? Reaching out locally has helped me alot.

Maybe we can start a lotto pool or something, lol. I wish I could start a foundation and make all of our lives at least easier on the money question. Figures acceptance of us and our issues would come with a price tag on it.

[Charlie Nicki]

I don't really know what to say other than to say if you ever need to talk make sure to reach out! I have been getting hit hard with the financial worries too (almost $500 I don't really have just in the past 3 days between therapist and today's HRT appointment, it's going to be a peanut butter and jelly month), but as Laurie alluded to, in the grand scheme of things they aren't too bad. (Aside from having to pay out of pocket, it is actually the least expensive "condition" I have, strangely.) And as I look at the future I am just waiting for when something just finally breaks me and I retreat back into my hole. What I'm trying to say, is that you aren't alone in those feelings!

Just... well, just stay safe, and take it day by day. I have complete faith that we will all find our ways through the ups and down and find what we need in the end!

Hey Roll thank you for your kind words❤️


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[Charlie Nicki]

Indeed, reach out! Many of you have helped me, I hope I can help you back. have you looked into local trans support groups? Reaching out locally has helped me alot.

Maybe we can start a lotto pool or something, lol. I wish I could start a foundation and make all of our lives at least easier on the money question. Figures acceptance of us and our issues would come with a price tag on it.

Support groups in my area are not a good idea. There's only one and it's mostly prostitutes and trans girls who were kicked out of their houses when they were really little, who didn't finish high school and have a very rough life etc... And I don't like it because it triggers all these thoughts that I will somehow end up like them (even though realistically our circumstances are very different).

I do have some trans friends but they are all fully transitioned so their struggles are very different than mine. I would love to meet someone who is just starting like me, someone I could relate to but so far I haven't found anyone.


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[RobynTx]

The road to our true self is a long and hard path we take.  Nothing good is ever easy to attain.  For some it's the journey that is worth while while for us it is the destination.  I'm at the point where I see some changes but nothing that gets me excited.  My boobs are growing but they are still itty bitty titties.  I'm not out full time so I have periods of what I call stagnation.  I hate these periods, they depress me greatly.  The plan is to do little things that can cheer me up. 

So hang in there.  Remember this is a long marathon but the end is worth it. 

[Charlie Nicki]

Thank you Robyn. Life is hard, today I had a talk with my ex and was reminded of the fact that my relationship ended because of this. It happened 3 months ago and I thought I was getting over it but today I feel like I'm back to square one. I was crying a lot and feeling very sad. I feel lonely and I miss him. On days like today it feels like being trans is a curse.

[Laurie]

Hi Nicki,

  After my last post here I hesitate to post again. You need the support of those that can help not warnings I have for you. Your post above concerns me a lot as I see myself in it several weeks ago. Missing the ones you have lost because of our being trans is a deep and dangerous hurt. It along with our feelings of responsibility for causing that loss can lead you into a depression that you cannot see a way out. I warned you not to follow my path last time and here I read a post that looks like you are doing just that. I find it hard to care about much of anything these days but I do care that you and others may follow my path here.
  You can do something about the loneliness. You can go do things with friends, Get out and be with others who care about you. If you can, see your therapist. Find a friend and go to lunch or dinner. Have a night out. Be with others. Get off my path, it leads nowhere.

[Charlie Nicki]

Hi Nicki,

  After my last post here I hesitate to post again. You need the support of those that can help not warnings I have for you. Your post above concerns me a lot as I see myself in it several weeks ago. Missing the ones you have lost because of our being trans is a deep and dangerous hurt. It along with our feelings of responsibility for causing that loss can lead you into a depression that you cannot see a way out. I warned you not to follow my path last time and here I read a post that looks like you are doing just that. I find it hard to care about much of anything these days but I do care that you and others may follow my path here.
  You can do something about the loneliness. You can go do things with friends, Get out and be with others who care about you. If you can, see your therapist. Find a friend and go to lunch or dinner. Have a night out. Be with others. Get off my path, it leads nowhere.

Laurie, I'm definitely trying my best to think about something else. Tonight I will probably go out with a couple of friends and I'm trying to stay busy at work. I really appreciate your concern and don't want to fall even deeper into a pit. I'm trying to get out. I just hate how volatile this is...One day you are happy and sure of what you're doing and the next day life knocks you out and you're back to lamenting things.

But being on this site certainly helps.

[Another Nikki]

I find being consumed with work or a home project helps when I fall into melancholia or numbness.  I can't go back to denial, but staying really busy is mostly positive.  I think I need an event to train for too- maybe a 1/2 marathon.  Win-win:  I lose weight, and can redirect my thoughts to the goal when I start to think negatively.

[Jessica]

Dani 🤦‍♀️ I'm so sorry I haven't been at Susan's for a few weeks.  Please..... we are same timeline girlfriends and we really need each other for support.  We both need to lend our shoulders to cry on.  You are loved and I feel you are my sister.  I guilty of not reaching out also.  I've been fighting myself for the last weeks.  I'm sad we are on different continents.  We both need a hug.
Big squeeze , Jessica 🙆

[Charlie Nicki]

Hey Nikki, that's a good strategy. I also try to get busy, usually going out with my friends and working.

Jess, thanks for your kind words! I am also here for you, PM if you want to talk about your things.

[Izzy Grace]

Support groups in my area are not a good idea. There's only one and it's mostly prostitutes and trans girls who were kicked out of their houses when they were really little, who didn't finish high school and have a very rough life etc... And I don't like it because it triggers all these thoughts that I will somehow end up like them (even though realistically our circumstances are very different).

I do have some trans friends but they are all fully transitioned so their struggles are very different than mine. I would love to meet someone who is just starting like me, someone I could relate to but so far I haven't found anyone.


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That sucks Nicki, I wish I was there, we could go and hang out! Your local equality group cant help you make some connections?

You deserve joy! I just know theres happiness out there for you! Hold on, you never know whats right around the corner!

[Charlie Nicki]

That sucks Nicki, I wish I was there, we could go and hang out! Your local equality group cant help you make some connections?

You deserve joy! I just know theres happiness out there for you! Hold on, you never know whats right around the corner!

Thanks Kattie, hope is what I have left at this point.

The local equality group is the same that runs the transgender support group. I've asked my trans friends about it and they don't like it either for the same reasons. I will just try to move on and feel better.


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[Charlie Nicki]

I have decided to take a break from social media, for a few days. My ex is on a trip having fun and it's hurtful to see him move on. He's not on my social media (I blocked him from everything) but we have mutual friends and they're all together in this trip. So I deleted the Facebook and Instagram apps from my phone so I don't get to see any pictures and feel worse.

I'm tired of being sad and feeling lonely. Seems like I've been feeling like this forever, like I'm stuck and can't get over him. And I want to. I want to move on. I am trying, I am going out with my friends and partying and having fun. But it sucks whenever I have free time and I can't really be spending money all day going out. Hoping for a miracle to turn things around.

Hoping to meet someone who appreciates me for what I am.

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[Laurie]

Hoping to meet someone who appreciates me for what I am.

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You got that wrong Nicki it's:

"Hoping to meet someone who appreciates me for what who I am."

  We know the "who" is a wonderful and unique human being.

[Jayne01]

Sorry, do you prefer Charlie or Nicki? I've been calling you Charlie when you posted in my thread and I see you are being called Nicki here.

I am sorry you are currently feeling so down. I can't imagine how I would feel if my wife had left me. I am very fortunate that she is staying with me. I do understand what it's like to feel lonely. I don't have any friends at all in the real world. When I hit rock bottom, I felt that I was all alone in the world. I could t talk with my wife because I was was in a very bad place and was blaming her for not trying hard enough to understand me. (She was trying very hard, I just couldn't see it at the time). So I had found myself in a situation where I had nobody to talk to, not even here at Susan's because I deleted my account. The reasons I felt lonely where largely of my own doing and very different to yours, but the end result was that I felt alone and very depressed. I didn't care if I lived or died. My therapist was the only person on earth I was able to talk to. You may not be able to see it now, but things will improve.

I would like to be able to offer some magic words that could help you feel better but I don't know what I can say. You are going through a tough time right now. All of us here are on similar paths but they are only similar, not the same. So when we feel down it's due to our own unique situation that can feel lonely.

I hope you feel better soon. We are here to support you anyway we can. I wish there was more I can do for you.

Jayne

[Daniellekai]

I'm lucky, I lost a bunch of weight before starting, so my winter clothes are all just a bit too big, and hide things well. I've got a couple shirts that I'm like "oh hell no, they'll know in an instant if I wear this."