My boobs are growing!! (Charlie Nicki's Diary)

[Charlie Nicki]

@Charlie Nicki

Hey girlfriend [emoji254][emoji254][emoji254] It was wonderful seeing you out with your friends last night.  Human interaction is crucial for living a full life, and it can take your mind off of your problems.  You'll have visitors coming up soon, I wish I was able to be one, someday I hope to do so.

Hugs and smiles, your dear friend Jess [emoji847]

Thanks Jess. My emotions are all over the place. I mostly feel depressed but there are glimpses of happiness and hope here and there.

[Jessica]

@Charlie Nicki

Thanks Jess. My emotions are all over the place. I mostly feel depressed but there are glimpses of happiness and hope here and there.

One thing I have noticed is that you personally always find your way out of that deep pit of despair. 
Is it because you know deep down that you are doing the right thing, that you know if it was any different that you would feel something was lacking?
What has helped me is the true feeling that I would be missing out on something important if I stopped searching for the path I'm on.  It's a search everyday, finding new solid ground to make my next step.  But step I must, for the future is looking at us as we peer into the mist of uncertainty and the future does not wait.

Hugs and smiles, your sister Jess

[EvaT]

Hey there Charlie nicki

I've been following your progress for some time now, it's unfortunate that you're feeling this way, I've been there before so I know how it feels.

The best medicine is to keep yourself busy, physically and mentally. Have you tried going to go the gym? Gym once got me out of depression, and I'm sure it's helping me stay away from it.

Recently I started having more time to kill, which made my mind think about a lot of negative stuff like: " I don't pass, I have no friends, my life sucks, and etc."

So I felt like if I started having these thoughts constantly I would go back to that less than pleasant time. But I decided to go on Udemy, and picked up a bunch of courses like Reiki master class, programming language, photography, and a new language.

Those negative thoughts went away almost instantly, and were replaced with thoughts like " I can't wait to finish this course so i can learn another skill"

Bottom line is, try to keep yourself busy, you can even take your car for a quick drive, or watch a movie by yourself. It'll help you discover yourself.

The world is your oyster, so go conquer it!

[Charlie Nicki]

@Charlie Nicki

One thing I have noticed is that you personally always find your way out of that deep pit of despair. 
Is it because you know deep down that you are doing the right thing, that you know if it was any different that you would feel something was lacking?
What has helped me is the true feeling that I would be missing out on something important if I stopped searching for the path I'm on.  It's a search everyday, finding new solid ground to make my next step.  But step I must, for the future is looking at us as we peer into the mist of uncertainty and the future does not wait.

Hugs and smiles, your sister Jess

I'm doing much better now sis. Friends helped, you included, and also going to a wonderful trans support group session yesterday I really had a lot of fun.

Also, as to what makes me know deep down that I'm doing the right thing, well the other day when I was still super down I was talking to @Denise and she asked "do you think you're a better person now that you were before transitioning?" and it turned on a lightbulb in my head. The answer is definitely yes, I'm much more compassionate, empathetic, understanding, full of love and calmed than I was before. I had a lot of rage (something I wasn't really aware of) that came out the wrong way in the most random moments for no real reason. I got upset easily, and could get mean and aggressive (sometimes physically but it was mostly just me being nasty towards people if I was angry). I never knew why, I just thought that was my personality. Today I can say it really wasn't my real personality, it was just a lot of frustration taken out the wrong way. I deal with things that upset me a lot differently now. I'm glad for that. Transition is definitely not easy but through the hardships I see good things that make me smile.

[Charlie Nicki]

Hey there Charlie nicki

I've been following your progress for some time now, it's unfortunate that you're feeling this way, I've been there before so I know how it feels.

The best medicine is to keep yourself busy, physically and mentally. Have you tried going to go the gym? Gym once got me out of depression, and I'm sure it's helping me stay away from it.

Recently I started having more time to kill, which made my mind think about a lot of negative stuff like: " I don't pass, I have no friends, my life sucks, and etc."

So I felt like if I started having these thoughts constantly I would go back to that less than pleasant time. But I decided to go on Udemy, and picked up a bunch of courses like Reiki master class, programming language, photography, and a new language.

Those negative thoughts went away almost instantly, and were replaced with thoughts like " I can't wait to finish this course so i can learn another skill"

Bottom line is, try to keep yourself busy, you can even take your car for a quick drive, or watch a movie by yourself. It'll help you discover yourself.

The world is your oyster, so go conquer it!

Hi Eva,

Yes your advice is really good! I definitely try to make myself busy as much as I can. This week I had a lot of free time because I'm recovering from surgery and that triggered the depression. Thankfully I'll be back to work tomorrow so things will slowly go back to normal.

[Jessica]

@Charlie Nicki

I'm doing much better now sis. Friends helped, you included, and also going to a wonderful trans support group session yesterday I really had a lot of fun.

Also, as to what makes me know deep down that I'm doing the right thing, well the other day when I was still super down I was talking to @Denise and she asked "do you think you're a better person now that you were before transitioning?" and it turned on a lightbulb in my head. The answer is definitely yes, I'm much more compassionate, empathetic, understanding, full of love and calmed than I was before. I had a lot of rage (something I wasn't really aware of) that came out the wrong way in the most random moments for no real reason. I got upset easily, and could get mean and aggressive (sometimes physically but it was mostly just me being nasty towards people if I was angry). I never knew why, I just thought that was my personality. Today I can say it really wasn't my real personality, it was just a lot of frustration taken out the wrong way. I deal with things that upset me a lot differently now. I'm glad for that. Transition is definitely not easy but through the hardships I see good things that make me smile.

We have been through our ups and downs and all the while giving the support we hope will be the one thing to make it easy.  Although our online support is tangible and real, the support you get when you look into someone's eyes, hold their trembling hands, hugging in joyful reality, is above all the most healing.
Love you sister, I'm so happy you're doing better 🌸🌸🌸

[Allison S]

I love that question from Denise. "Are you a better person?". I'm glad to hear your answer Charlie, I hope someday to have a better understanding of myself through the "lens of my transition" so to speak... Not to be negative on your thread, but lately I feel like the emotional pain I'm experiencing is like a knife piercing through me inch by inch. I don't know if it was hrt that's causing the torment or I'm releasing the pain. Maybe pulling the knife out? Sorry for the weird image but that's how it feels sometimes...

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[pamelatransuk]

Hello again Charlie Nicki

It appears from your latest post that you are feeling better both in the short term and in the long term.

It appears you have overcome your recent depression but more importantly you view your whole personality and attitude and character differently and substantially for the better presumably as the true you has now surfaced.

I am very happy for you with regard to both.

Hugs

Pamela

[Charlie Nicki]

I love that question from Denise. "Are you a better person?". I'm glad to hear your answer Charlie, I hope someday to have a better understanding of myself through the "lens of my transition" so to speak... Not to be negative on your thread, but lately I feel like the emotional pain I'm experiencing is like a knife piercing through me inch by inch. I don't know if it was hrt that's causing the torment or I'm releasing the pain. Maybe pulling the knife out? Sorry for the weird image but that's how it feels sometimes...

Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk

Sweetie, vent away! It's not being negative, it's reality. We all go through it. I hope you're better today, I'll text you now.

[Charlie Nicki]

Thank you Pamela and Jess, yeah I'm definitely feeling better. Having a lot to do at work and university is a blessing!

[Charlie Nicki]

I meant to post this a while ago:

So I had a visit from Kendra and Denise (girls in this forum) and we had so much fun on the weekend of August 18th. It was a long one because it was a holiday in Colombia. So overall an amazing weekend and I think both of the girls have spoken about it in different threads.

What I wanted to share is something that happened to me on both Saturday and Sunday of that weekend. I was approached both days by 2 different people that I didn't know at all, but who knew who I was thanks to social media. They were both presenting as males but told me they're MTF trans and wanted to transition but didn't know what to do, I will refer to them in male pronouns since that's what they did. The one on Saturday told me he tried committing suicide last year and that he was scared to try because his parents were very religious. The one on Sunday told me his parents were military and sexist and he was also scared. Also told me I was an inspiration and his idol. I told them both to keep in touch but haven't heard back from them (probably went into the denial phase again?).

I was shocked by both encounters. I didn't expect it nor did I think my story had reached and inspired people that I didn't even know. I don't even have that big of a following on social media so it was definitely a surprise. A good one. It made me feel happy that I am able to help and inspire people just by being myself and facing my demons every day. I hope I can help more people. And I hope those 2 find happiness soon.

To all of you going through your transition openly in life and social media like me, I know this is difficult, I know we lose things, we cry a lot, we face discrimination and sometimes wish we weren't trans. But there are people out there inspired by our stories, inspired by our struggles. And I know it gets so hard that ending it all seems like the best option frequently (I know I've been there a lot of times)...Please remember you can make a difference, and you are unknowingly inspiring many people. Please keep remember that and keep fighting.

[Alice V]

Wow that's great.
I dunno if I read your story or not (sorry, I just reg here and rush into everything without exploring so I still trying to read everything you people already wrote here), but I've seen few stories about trans who goes public. They really inspire people and help to think "if they can why the hell I can't?" I mean when people start looking for info they usually see that ones who known for being transgenders in first place, and only after that they coming to communities.
Thank you for what you doing

[Jessica]

I meant to post this a while ago:

So I had a visit from Kendra and Denise (girls in this forum) and we had so much fun on the weekend of August 18th. It was a long one because it was a holiday in Colombia. So overall an amazing weekend and I think both of the girls have spoken about it in different threads.

What I wanted to share is something that happened to me on both Saturday and Sunday of that weekend. I was approached both days by 2 different people that I didn't know at all, but who knew who I was thanks to social media. They were both presenting as males but told me they're MTF trans and wanted to transition but didn't know what to do, I will refer to them in male pronouns since that's what they did. The one on Saturday told me he tried committing suicide last year and that he was scared to try because his parents were very religious. The one on Sunday told me his parents were military and sexist and he was also scared. Also told me I was an inspiration and his idol. I told them both to keep in touch but haven't heard back from them (probably went into the denial phase again?).

I was shocked by both encounters. I didn't expect it nor did I think my story had reached and inspired people that I didn't even know. I don't even have that big of a following on social media so it was definitely a surprise. A good one. It made me feel happy that I am able to help and inspire people just by being myself and facing my demons every day. I hope I can help more people. And I hope those 2 find happiness soon.

To all of you going through your transition openly in life and social media like me, I know this is difficult, I know we lose things, we cry a lot, we face discrimination and sometimes wish we weren't trans. But there are people out there inspired by our stories, inspired by our struggles. And I know it gets so hard that ending it all seems like the best option frequently (I know I've been there a lot of times)...Please remember you can make a difference, and you are unknowingly inspiring many people. Please keep remember that and keep fighting.

Hey girlfriend 🌸🌸🌸 You've been an inspiration for me since we started. I may not be here if it wasn't for you ......directly you.  Doesn't seem that long ago, time flys.
I'm happy that you were able to, by firsthand account, see what an impact someone can have. 

Hugs and smiles from a California girl



@Charlie Nicki
 

[Allison S]

Wow I'm on awe... You're inspiring so many people (including myself) so much so that they're approaching you... That's incredible!! We really never know what's right around the corner...good and bad..

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[Charlie Nicki]

We are all inspiring others! This is not an easy path. And it's moments like those that make me really understand why people call us brave.

[Chelsea]

We are all inspiring others! This is not an easy path. And it's moments like those that make me really understand why people call us brave.

Charlie Nicki I was so happy to read your last few post. I had a few tears fall. I'm so happy that you are feeling better and it great to have you as a friend. Yes you are a inspiration and you have made my day.

Hugs,
        Chelsea

[Charlie Nicki]

Charlie Nicki I was so happy to read your last few post. I had a few tears fall. I'm so happy that you are feeling better and it great to have you as a friend. Yes you are a inspiration and you have made my day.

Hugs,
        Chelsea

Awww that's very sweet of you to say Chelsea! I'm always a text away if you need me, my friend <3.

[Charlie Nicki]

Good things never last. Depression came back and I'm reliving heart break and feeling worthless. Wishing I could go back in time and tell the old me not to do this, to just suck it up and live like a man which is probably easier than dealing with all the consequences that come with transition.

I haven't been able to get out of bed, had to call in sick to work and haven't done anything I'm supposed to, including homework for school. Just want to sleep forever.

[Drexy/Drex]

Mmmm I know that feeling  .....when my best friend passed Away  .....i couldnt get out  of bed for days.... I feel for you..... I  know what it's like..... even now sometimes  I have to catch myself... but just remember it will pass
be strong  ....trans  people are brave..... you therefore  are too.... we are with you 😘

[Charlie Nicki]

Mmmm I know that feeling  .....when my best friend passed Away  .....i couldnt get out  of bed for days.... I feel for you..... I  know what it's like..... even now sometimes  I have to catch myself... but just remember it will pass
be strong  ....trans  people are brave..... you therefore  are too.... we are with you 😘

Thanks Drexy.