My boobs are growing!! (Charlie Nicki's Diary)

[pamelatransuk]

So, a quick update: Nails still strong (thank you Progesterone I guess). Boobs still growing, I feel they look huge when I'm naked and I love it. Hips are a bit larger.

Congratulations. That's how this thread started with your boobs growing and I am delighted to see that continues along with the good news on your nails and hips!

Hugs

Pamela 

[Charlie Nicki]

Congratulations. That's how this thread started with your boobs growing and I am delighted to see that continues along with the good news on your nails and hips!

Hugs

Pamela

Thanks Pamela. I do want to avoid blowing things out of proportion, so let me clarify: My hips are overall still small and pretty much non existent in comparison to the rest of my body and in comparison to cis females. I've always said MTF HRT is a big joke and after a year and a half I still think so.

[Jessica]

@Charlie Nicki

So, a quick update: Nails still strong (thank you Progesterone I guess). Boobs still growing, I feel they look huge when I'm naked and I love it. Hips are a bit larger. That being said, I'm still far away from my goal... my proportions are still a bit too masculine for my taste, arms and back are still too big in comparison to my lower body so it's a bit annoying. If only my arms and shoulders could get smaller I would already look so much girlier...

Still get misgendered sometimes, I would say correctly gendered 7/10, people either avoiding gendering me or staring at me trying to figure me out 2/10, and misgendered 1/10. Even though it's not common, when I do get misgendered it BURNS!

My hair is below my shoulders and I need it longer but if it was up to me I would get a pixie cut and get it over with. Long hair is a pain in the ass and so not practical. But I like looking pretty and sadly my appearance isn't feminine enough for me to get a super short haircut without getting misgendered...If anything the fact alone that I could be able to rock short hair makes me want to consider FFS.

I have seen a recent picture of you and your hair looks wonderful.  I do agree though that long hair can be a pain and a pixie would look cute on you, ffs or not.
I am confident that you will reach 100% passable and the days of being misgendered will be a distant memory.  Ffs has helped many here, (I've seen the proof) and if you feel that is the route you need, I'm certain you will be stunning.  Much more than the old lady that I am the vision of.

Thanks Pamela. I do want to avoid blowing things out of proportion, so let me clarify: My hips are overall still small and pretty much non existent in comparison to the rest of my body and in comparison to cis females. I've always said MTF HRT is a big joke and after a year and a half I still think so.

As with everyone here, hrt is a ymmv situation.  We both started it in essence the same day around a year and a half ago.  While your genetics played a factor in your progress, it also has in mine (thank you mom).  Everyone is different, but no less in how we strive to be our true selves.

Love you sister, Jess

[Charlie Nicki]

@Charlie Nicki

I have seen a recent picture of you and your hair looks wonderful.  I do agree though that long hair can be a pain and a pixie would look cute on you, ffs or not.
I am confident that you will reach 100% passable and the days of being misgendered will be a distant memory.  Ffs has helped many here, (I've seen the proof) and if you feel that is the route you need, I'm certain you will be stunning.  Much more than the old lady that I am the vision of.

As with everyone here, hrt is a ymmv situation.  We both started it in essence the same day around a year and a half ago.  While your genetics played a factor in your progress, it also has in mine (thank you mom).  Everyone is different, but no less in how we strive to be our true selves.

Love you sister, Jess

Love you too sweetie!!

[Lexi B]

  Oh, and just remember........Women come in many different shapes, sizes, and levels of attractiveness.  Anytime you don't feel confident about yourself, just remember that.  That you ARE without a doubt, a woman, and therefore are entitled to dress and present as one even if you feel like you might not look quite right.  I struggle with this one myself.  I still present as a rather femme dressing man because I allow my fear of what people will think of me, to keep me from wearing the skirts and dresses that I would love to wear.  So I keep telling myself, "You are a woman....a kind of ugly woman....but there are plenty of ugly women out there, yet they are still women, and so are you."  And it boosts my confidence up for a bit.  Ha ha  For now I am somewhat content wearing my tight skinny jeans and girls shirts and carrying my purse and things, but having been on HRT for over 3 months now, and having my boobs getting bigger, and me not even going to bother trying to hide them, I may find myself going "full-time" here soon.

Wonderful advice from the heart! But you've got one thing wrong— you are NOT ugly. At all. There are so many "ugly" people in the world. Don't count yourself among them. Your inner beauty shines. And if your avatar is you, you're pretty cute too.

[Allison S]

This has to be the easiest transition thread to follow lol I've grown to love your personality Charlie Nicki  [emoji173]

I wish there was a "how to pass for dummies" that I could follow but sadly I haven't found one yet [emoji22]

Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk

[Charlie Nicki]

This has to be the easiest transition thread to follow lol I've grown to love your personality Charlie Nicki  [emoji173]

I wish there was a "how to pass for dummies" that I could follow but sadly I haven't found one yet [emoji22]

Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk

Thanks baby! You're so sweet. I'm glad to have you as a friend! We are similar in so many ways.

And well passing is a difficult thing. Not many of us achieve that easily, I'm still struggling with that as well.

[Charlie Nicki]

I've been having very rough days lately. I've been depressed, having suicidal thoughts, and wondering if this is all worth it. It was triggered by my ex, we had a trip planned for a while with some friends and I was sure I could make it without feeling bad...But we spent way too much time together and it clouded my judgement. Brought back feelings and memories as if we had just broken up (in reality he left me a year and a half ago because of my transition).

I feel hurt and abandoned again, it's especially difficult to see how happy he is with his new partner. After the trip I've decided to keep my distance again, it's the best thing for my mental health but I still feel very sad. I don't feel like doing my makeup, or my hair, or even getting out of bed...Being a woman feels like a huge chore lately. So much maintenance and work...sometimes I miss the simplicity of being a man. I'm not gonna detransition, that is not an option for me, but I'm just venting here.

I just wish this would be over, I've been depressed pretty much all of my transition, so for the past 2 years mostly. I still haven't reached that point of bliss and satisfaction where I can say it was all worth it. My mental health is still a rollercoaster and I'm tired of it.

[Northern Star Girl]

@Charlie Nicki
Dear Charlie Nicki:
My oh my!!!  
I am so very sad to hear of your distress regarding your transition event and life endeavors.

You do not have to do much reading of other members postings and threads to see that you are not alone with the trials and tribulations of transitioning.   It can be a tough road to travel for sure but it also can be a necessary journey that we must take for our own self-worth and self-affirmation.

I hear you loud and clear about the morning and daily task of presenting as a woman.... indeed there is "so much maintenance and work" ....  and the clothes,  as many man can get away with, women just can't throw on my pants and shirt that were left laying on the floor, quickly run a comb through their hair and be out the door.... 
....BUT, as a woman, when done with a little primping, dressing and grooming...  it is so very satisfying to look in the mirror and see a half-way decent looking blue eyed blonde woman looking back at me....    VERY WELL WORTH THE EFFORT and the JOURNEY,

I wish I could, but I can not offer much in the way of magic words to make everything OK for you.
It is your journey to navigate as you see fit and because of your personal relationships and life-commitments it is obviously your decision as to how to proceed.

Please keep on keeping on, pull yourself up and get back in the groove of being the woman you have determined that  you are destined to be.
I will be eagerly looking for you updates,  I am rooting for your success, and I along with all of your followers are your biggest fans.
HUGS and more HUGS...... [emoji171]
Danielle

[Charlie Nicki]

@Charlie Nicki
Dear Charlie Nicki:
My oh my!!!  
I am so very sad to hear of your distress regarding your transition event and life endeavors.

You do not have to do much reading of other members postings and threads to see that you are not alone with the trials and tribulations of transitioning.   It can be a tough road to travel for sure but it also can be a necessary journey that we must take for our own self-worth and self-affirmation.

I hear you loud and clear about the morning and daily task of presenting as a woman.... indeed there is "so much maintenance and work" ....  and the clothes,  as many man can get away with, women just can't throw on my pants and shirt that were left laying on the floor, quickly run a comb through their hair and be out the door.... 
....BUT, as a woman, when done with a little primping, dressing and grooming...  it is so very satisfying to look in the mirror and see a half-way decent looking blue eyed blonde woman looking back at me....    VERY WELL WORTH THE EFFORT and the JOURNEY,

I wish I could, but I can not offer much in the way of magic words to make everything OK for you.
It is your journey to navigate as you see fit and because of your personal relationships and life-commitments it is obviously your decision as to how to proceed.

Please keep on keeping on, pull yourself up and get back in the groove of being the woman you have determined that  you are destined to be.
I will be eagerly looking for you updates,  I am rooting for your success, and I along with all of your followers are your biggest fans.
HUGS and more HUGS...... [emoji171]
Danielle

Thanks Danielle. You always have a positive attitude and I admire that...It does help me a lot to see that other people are struggling too, just because it makes me realize that this is a normal part of transitioning and that we all go through it, it would be nice to know more about your negative experiences as well. Maybe they're on your thread and I've missed them.

In any case, it does feel like life was a little bit unfair to us because we were given this burden that most people don't have.

[Northern Star Girl]

Thanks Danielle. You always have a positive attitude and I admire that...It does help me a lot to see that other people are struggling too, just because it makes me realize that this is a normal part of transitioning and that we all go through it, it would be nice to know more about your negative experiences as well. Maybe they're on your thread and I've missed them.

In any case, it does feel like life was a little bit unfair to us because we were given this burden that most people don't have.

@Charlie Nicki
Dear Charlie Nicki:
Thanks for your kind response...
         
A quote that I have memorized that helps me in that regard comes from Winston Churchill as he penned the following quote during England's dark days during World War 2.
       "A Pessimist see Difficulty in every Opportunity,
           an Optimist sees Opportunity in every Difficulty"

I am not immune to difficulties with my transition life experiences and certainly have my current problems with acceptance for my family and old friends "back home"
My TWO personal threads have just about all of the details of my bad and my good experiences.  To make it easier for you I have included LINKS below to my present current ongoing "Chronicles" thread and also to my previous "Hunted Prey" thread.   
I have also attached LINKS to a few older postings that my shed some light on some of my not-so-good experiences.....   but that way that I am wired, I do not dwell on the negative, my glass is half full and I am always trying to keep a positive attitude about my life.

            "A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles"

            "I am the HUNTED PREY : Danielle's Chronicles"

        (non-acceptance back home)
   https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,236395.msg2208291.html#msg2208291

        (brief recap of my journey)
   https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,243696.msg2218365.html#msg2218365

        (stressful moments)             
   https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,236395.msg2180936.html#msg2180936

Also you might want to take a quick read one other of my threads that might help you to stay positive:
           "Positive Mindset... put away negativity"

Best wishes to you... I sincerely hope and trust that anything that I have said may be of help to you... 
...and please feel free to comment anytime on any of my postings or you can PM me if you ever have any questions about my journey.

Hugs and best wishes as always....
Danielle

[Rachel]

Hi,

I know for me the first three years was the roughest part of transition. I have been transitioning for six years. My ex and I divorced, I came out at work, expressed, had a bunch of procedures and GCS.

I am so much better off now than I was before. Everyone is different and we all transition differently, so your transition could be much more rough than mine. I do know that for a long time I had my procedures on my preferences on Susan's and when I felt bad I would go over the procedures and what I accomplished.  So maybe making a list of accomplishments or milestones and reading it when you are down would help.

If depression is bad and you are having suicidal ideation or attempts then please consider seeing your doctor. I was on a SSRI for about a year and it helped heaps. It really helped me from getting super low. When I developed coping mechanisms to deal with the loneliness and loss of family I was able to get off the SSRI.

I had some awesome times with my ex and will forever be grateful for the experiences. We are much better off being divorced. Life is about change. When I was in the middle of such huge change I needed help coping. I had groups, the gym, my trainer, work and my therapist and doctor. I had a team of people to get me through it.

I do things by myself now. I am looking forward to the beach this spring I love the gym and rucking. I hope to start back up rucking this weekend. There is a huge trans meetup in New Hope this weekend Friday and Saturday night. There are things to do, you need to find them and participate. It is tough but fun.

[krobinson103]

To me being trans isn't a burden its a gift. It just depends on how you look at it. Sure, its hard and we deal we a lot of crap, but the pay off at the end is worth ten times the problems on the way. Just a matter of one step at a time till you get there and don't let the problems get you down!

[natalie.ashlyne]

I am so sorry you are going through this, I know it is hard and is unfair, emotions are so big I am going through some thing similar so you are not alone in this. The girl I work with almost side by side and dailly and is my secretary of the union, well we fell in love 10 plus years ago. Now at the end of may we will be both going to a union conference where we will be staying at the same hotel and stuff. When I transitioned she told me that she was not attracted to females, The problem is that I am still so much in love with her it kills me every day to know I am not with her. I feel the same way you do on my days off I feel lazy and don't want to do anything. All I can say is take it one day at a time emotions are hard to change but in time I believe time heals all wounds. If you ever want to talk feel free to message me. You are a strong beautiful woman you can get through this.

[Charlie Nicki]

@Charlie Nicki
Dear Charlie Nicki:
Thanks for your kind response...
         
A quote that I have memorized that helps me in that regard comes from Winston Churchill as he penned the following quote during England's dark days during World War 2.
       "A Pessimist see Difficulty in every Opportunity,
           an Optimist sees Opportunity in every Difficulty"

I am not immune to difficulties with my transition life experiences and certainly have my current problems with acceptance for my family and old friends "back home"
My TWO personal threads have just about all of the details of my bad and my good experiences.  To make it easier for you I have included LINKS below to my present current ongoing "Chronicles" thread and also to my previous "Hunted Prey" thread.   
I have also attached LINKS to a few older postings that my shed some light on some of my not-so-good experiences.....   but that way that I am wired, I do not dwell on the negative, my glass is half full and I am always trying to keep a positive attitude about my life.

            "A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles"

            "I am the HUNTED PREY : Danielle's Chronicles"

        (non-acceptance back home)
   https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,236395.msg2208291.html#msg2208291

        (brief recap of my journey)
   https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,243696.msg2218365.html#msg2218365

        (stressful moments)             
   https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,236395.msg2180936.html#msg2180936

Also you might want to take a quick read one other of my threads that might help you to stay positive:
           "Positive Mindset... put away negativity"

Best wishes to you... I sincerely hope and trust that anything that I have said may be of help to you... 
...and please feel free to comment anytime on any of my postings or you can PM me if you ever have any questions about my journey.

Hugs and best wishes as always....
Danielle

Thanks Danielle!

[Charlie Nicki]

Hi,

I know for me the first three years was the roughest part of transition. I have been transitioning for six years. My ex and I divorced, I came out at work, expressed, had a bunch of procedures and GCS.

I am so much better off now than I was before. Everyone is different and we all transition differently, so your transition could be much more rough than mine. I do know that for a long time I had my procedures on my preferences on Susan's and when I felt bad I would go over the procedures and what I accomplished.  So maybe making a list of accomplishments or milestones and reading it when you are down would help.

If depression is bad and you are having suicidal ideation or attempts then please consider seeing your doctor. I was on a SSRI for about a year and it helped heaps. It really helped me from getting super low. When I developed coping mechanisms to deal with the loneliness and loss of family I was able to get off the SSRI.

I had some awesome times with my ex and will forever be grateful for the experiences. We are much better off being divorced. Life is about change. When I was in the middle of such huge change I needed help coping. I had groups, the gym, my trainer, work and my therapist and doctor. I had a team of people to get me through it.

I do things by myself now. I am looking forward to the beach this spring I love the gym and rucking. I hope to start back up rucking this weekend. There is a huge trans meetup in New Hope this weekend Friday and Saturday night. There are things to do, you need to find them and participate. It is tough but fun.

Hi Rachel,

Thank you for your answer. So would you say all the hard times were worth it? I've only been transitioning for 2 years so it does give me a bit of hope to see that it's normal for the first few years to be tough, sometimes I'm scared it will always be like this so it was definitely a relief to read this comment.

[Charlie Nicki]

To me being trans isn't a burden its a gift. It just depends on how you look at it. Sure, its hard and we deal we a lot of crap, but the pay off at the end is worth ten times the problems on the way. Just a matter of one step at a time till you get there and don't let the problems get you down!

Well I really hope this is the case for me.

[Charlie Nicki]

I am so sorry you are going through this, I know it is hard and is unfair, emotions are so big I am going through some thing similar so you are not alone in this. The girl I work with almost side by side and dailly and is my secretary of the union, well we fell in love 10 plus years ago. Now at the end of may we will be both going to a union conference where we will be staying at the same hotel and stuff. When I transitioned she told me that she was not attracted to females, The problem is that I am still so much in love with her it kills me every day to know I am not with her. I feel the same way you do on my days off I feel lazy and don't want to do anything. All I can say is take it one day at a time emotions are hard to change but in time I believe time heals all wounds. If you ever want to talk feel free to message me. You are a strong beautiful woman you can get through this.

Thanks Natalie!

[NatalieRene]

@Charlie Nicki
Dear Charlie Nicki:
Thanks for your kind response...
         
A quote that I have memorized that helps me in that regard comes from Winston Churchill as he penned the following quote during England's dark days during World War 2.
       "A Pessimist see Difficulty in every Opportunity,
           an Optimist sees Opportunity in every Difficulty"

I am not immune to difficulties with my transition life experiences and certainly have my current problems with acceptance for my family and old friends "back home"
My TWO personal threads have just about all of the details of my bad and my good experiences.  To make it easier for you I have included LINKS below to my present current ongoing "Chronicles" thread and also to my previous "Hunted Prey" thread.   
I have also attached LINKS to a few older postings that my shed some light on some of my not-so-good experiences.....   but that way that I am wired, I do not dwell on the negative, my glass is half full and I am always trying to keep a positive attitude about my life.

            "A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles"

            "I am the HUNTED PREY : Danielle's Chronicles"

        (non-acceptance back home)
   https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,236395.msg2208291.html#msg2208291

        (brief recap of my journey)
   https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,243696.msg2218365.html#msg2218365

        (stressful moments)             
   https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,236395.msg2180936.html#msg2180936

Also you might want to take a quick read one other of my threads that might help you to stay positive:
           "Positive Mindset... put away negativity"

Best wishes to you... I sincerely hope and trust that anything that I have said may be of help to you... 
...and please feel free to comment anytime on any of my postings or you can PM me if you ever have any questions about my journey.

Hugs and best wishes as always....
Danielle

That quote is so true for everything. Losing weight is hard. Programming is hard. Sports are hard. Life is hard.

Things worth anything are hard and they are opportunity to excel. What will serve us all best is a posative outlook.

[Rae321]

This thread needs like 20 more pages. I'm sad to have reached the end of it. 

Hi Charlie Nicki, I'm where you were a couple of years ago but I think much older.  I love my husband and he assures me that we'll figure it all out but I fear for the future and I don't know if he can cope with a heterosexual relationship with me.  Reading your ups and downs is strangely upsetting, terrifying, soothing, and reassuring all at the same time.  We've never spoken but I feel like I know you in a way because you share so frankly and I want to give you a big hug.  I definitely sacrificed some mascara (along with the blush contour and foundation that were taken out in the ensuing cascade) to the beauty gods for you today so I hope they smile kindly on your tomorrow and you wake up and have an exceptionally good day.

I find myself very afraid for the future and what kind of future it will be for me and the only solid hope I have right now is this community that is so beautiful.  Seeing my fears and my pains lived out by others who have come so far in spite of them helps me get to the end of the day because I know I'm not alone and everyone here is so caring and supportive and instructional.  It may sound corny but this thread is inspiring me, it's definitely getting bookmarked.

The only piece of advice I can give to you is that sometimes no matter how much you love someone, or how much they love you back, their very presence can become a toxicity all of it's own and it becomes necessary to break both hearts and just stop seeing them all together. I've had that broken heart that can't heal before. It was like a deep wound where being friends was like picking at it constantly.  It never healed right and I still bear the scars. That and a quote that I put in a different thread but feels very true to me as long as I don't look in the mirror.  "beauty is not in the eye of the beholder or the face of the beholden, but rather in the heart of both." 

You seem like a very strong woman, your waves of depression and happiness are very hard to contend with over time and yet you persevere.  I go through similar waves myself and found myself cheering at your growing boobs, your silkier hair, your birthday out, and getting angry at the makeup counter woman and wanting to work her up to a big sale and leave without buying, and feeling the pain of losing your love, and just crying.  A lot-which is good.  I don't like the emotionless haze of my adult life and opening up to my trans identity has been bringing a lot of things out that i need to feel. I still can't access my emotions the way i want but I hope to talk to my doctor about hormones soon and maybe they will help that.

Anyway I'm rambling my way around saying that you are obviously beautiful and strong.  I hope I'm half as much because if I am then I will survive this terror and loneliness that I feel. I have my husband but I know no one who really understands what I'm grappling with outside of the interwebs and it's very isolating. So count another soul rooting for you, and being inspired by you. I'm a stranger, and you are my heroine today, just like those strangers on the street that weekend. I seem to be finding a lot of heroines on here. Have a hug from me, you'll have to give it to yourself or imagine it the next time your getting one in person, but know it's real and heartfelt. <3