My boobs are growing!! (Charlie Nicki's Diary)

[Charlie Nicki]

This thread needs like 20 more pages. I'm sad to have reached the end of it. 

Hi Charlie Nicki, I'm where you were a couple of years ago but I think much older.  I love my husband and he assures me that we'll figure it all out but I fear for the future and I don't know if he can cope with a heterosexual relationship with me.  Reading your ups and downs is strangely upsetting, terrifying, soothing, and reassuring all at the same time.  We've never spoken but I feel like I know you in a way because you share so frankly and I want to give you a big hug.  I definitely sacrificed some mascara (along with the blush contour and foundation that were taken out in the ensuing cascade) to the beauty gods for you today so I hope they smile kindly on your tomorrow and you wake up and have an exceptionally good day.

I find myself very afraid for the future and what kind of future it will be for me and the only solid hope I have right now is this community that is so beautiful.  Seeing my fears and my pains lived out by others who have come so far in spite of them helps me get to the end of the day because I know I'm not alone and everyone here is so caring and supportive and instructional.  It may sound corny but this thread is inspiring me, it's definitely getting bookmarked.

The only piece of advice I can give to you is that sometimes no matter how much you love someone, or how much they love you back, their very presence can become a toxicity all of it's own and it becomes necessary to break both hearts and just stop seeing them all together. I've had that broken heart that can't heal before. It was like a deep wound where being friends was like picking at it constantly.  It never healed right and I still bear the scars. That and a quote that I put in a different thread but feels very true to me as long as I don't look in the mirror.  "beauty is not in the eye of the beholder or the face of the beholden, but rather in the heart of both." 

You seem like a very strong woman, your waves of depression and happiness are very hard to contend with over time and yet you persevere.  I go through similar waves myself and found myself cheering at your growing boobs, your silkier hair, your birthday out, and getting angry at the makeup counter woman and wanting to work her up to a big sale and leave without buying, and feeling the pain of losing your love, and just crying.  A lot-which is good.  I don't like the emotionless haze of my adult life and opening up to my trans identity has been bringing a lot of things out that i need to feel. I still can't access my emotions the way i want but I hope to talk to my doctor about hormones soon and maybe they will help that.

Anyway I'm rambling my way around saying that you are obviously beautiful and strong.  I hope I'm half as much because if I am then I will survive this terror and loneliness that I feel. I have my husband but I know no one who really understands what I'm grappling with outside of the interwebs and it's very isolating. So count another soul rooting for you, and being inspired by you. I'm a stranger, and you are my heroine today, just like those strangers on the street that weekend. I seem to be finding a lot of heroines on here. Have a hug from me, you'll have to give it to yourself or imagine it the next time your getting one in person, but know it's real and heartfelt. <3

Rae,

Wow...I never thought I would find a message like this in my thread. Your message touched me and I'm positively surprised by it since I never thought my journey could be inspiring or helpful to anyone, I started this thread (and the old one were I introduced myself https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,221177.0.html) mainly to vent and be able to share experiences with complete strangers. To tell them my deepest fears, doubts and thoughts, that I wouldn't dare to talk about in real life (hence why I don't have a profile picture of my face).

So thank you from the bottom of my heart for this message, it really makes all this craziness worth it in a way. My journey is still half way through, so there's a long road ahead, but I keep going!

I'm assuming you lived as a gay male (still do?) and that's why my story resonates with yours? I'll be glad to talk to you in private if you want or need to. I have made several friends through the forum who know who I am in real life, one of them actually came to visit me last year! (I don't remember if I posted about that here) so don't be shy to send me a PM if you want. We could talk in the forum or through social media, I might have a tip or 2 to share with you when it comes to transitioning and your relationship .

This part of your post:

The only piece of advice I can give to you is that sometimes no matter how much you love someone, or how much they love you back, their very presence can become a toxicity all of it's own and it becomes necessary to break both hearts and just stop seeing them all together

...Is absolutely true and extremely important to realize. Time and time again I've tried to remove myself from my ex's life yet I find myself thinking about him constantly and then life itself brings him back somehow. This time might be the final one, since my company is transferring me to another country in the next couple of months so I'm very hopeful that distance and a fresh start elsewhere will give me the final push to finally leave all of that behind and fully engage with my new life as a woman.

I just want to reassure you, you're not alone! I understand the loneliness we can feel in our journeys since it seems like nobody in real life understands it fully, not even other trans women since everyone is going through different things. But that's why we have places like this forum where we can comfort and help each other. Again, count on me if you need anything and don't be shy to send me a message.

Sending you big hugs!!

[Charlie Nicki]

So today I was going through really old pictures of mine, pics from 5-6 years ago and I got this feeling of sadness inside...I don't know how to explain it but almost like mourning my old life and my old self? Reminiscing of the times when life was a lot easier and hoping it was still the case. It seems like I still struggle with accepting my new life and letting go of the old one, and it's tough to completely let go, because it was a great life. I was a handsome man, successful and had everything in the world; now I struggle to see myself as a beautiful and successful woman who has everything in the world as well.

Is this familiar? Have you guys felt this?

[F_P_M]

I have no doubt you ARE a beautiful successful woman, that little troll in your head is a liar. Tell it to pipe down already.

I think doubts are something we all have. I'm only just starting my journey but I feel like this will always be a huge deal and in a way you ARE grieving for a past version of YOU. A past self so to speak. But remember, that past self, they were like the larval form. That life no longer served you as well as it needed to and you emmerged like a butterfly to begin anew.

Starting again is never gonna be easy, it's like being reborn in a way and while that can be hugely liberating, it can also be extremely scary. Grief and a sense of loss is not surprising and it's totally understandable.

Your feelings are entirely valid, but the voice telling you you aren't amazing and strong and beautiful is a scumbag and a liar and needs a good kicking.

I also struggle with depression and self image and worth problems so if you ever need to talk, i'm around. I might not have a frame of reference for all of it (being AFAB and only just starting to socially transition and asking a lot of questions) but I am a sympathetic ear and a stern voice telling the voice of depression to shut up and get out.

I think we all need someone else to tell our personal demons to shut up, they're too good at controlling us so we can't do it ourselves.

[Rae321]

I have the precursor to this feeling. I'm fit, good looking, i have a great job that i'm good at and a great marriage that is rewarding, and I sometimes wonder if I'm flushing it to start a new life as a mediocre looking woman who's less respected professionally and divorced if she's not careful at this transition.
I can understand emphatically what you are feeling, and i see myself feeling that in the future, but remember that you are everything he was, and so much more. I hope your day gets better. Hugs. <3<3

So today I was going through really old pictures of mine, pics from 5-6 years ago and I got this feeling of sadness inside...I don't know how to explain it but almost like mourning my old life and my old self? Reminiscing of the times when life was a lot easier and hoping it was still the case. It seems like I still struggle with accepting my new life and letting go of the old one, and it's tough to completely let go, because it was a great life. I was a handsome man, successful and had everything in the world; now I struggle to see myself as a beautiful and successful woman who has everything in the world as well.

Is this familiar? Have you guys felt this?

[steph2.0]

So today I was going through really old pictures of mine, pics from 5-6 years ago and I got this feeling of sadness inside...I don't know how to explain it but almost like mourning my old life and my old self? Reminiscing of the times when life was a lot easier and hoping it was still the case. It seems like I still struggle with accepting my new life and letting go of the old one, and it's tough to completely let go, because it was a great life. I was a handsome man, successful and had everything in the world; now I struggle to see myself as a beautiful and successful woman who has everything in the world as well.

Is this familiar? Have you guys felt this?

Oh yes, very much so. I wasn't all that successful or good looking, and my marriage wasn't all that great, but life was so simple.

What triggered it was an old picture with a couple of my neighbors. I was wearing my comfy jeans, a loose button down shirt, my signature baseball cap, and worn tennis shoes. My neighbors were smiling, and I was, too, despite the noise in my head. They accepted me, knew my name, and were comfortable with me, despite our differences.

I could get out of bed, skip shaving if I didn't feel like it, throw on some comfy clothes, and go out into the world with no worries.  So easy.

Looking at that picture induced a meltdown.

But I was so unhappy back then. The further I move into transition, and the more I find old friends learning to accepting me, and the more new friends I gain to replace those who are now uncomfortable with me, the more I understand that I've done the right thing. This week has been pretty incredible, and I'll write more about it on my own thread when I can, but the "new simplicity" that comes with becoming more comfortable with myself and my new world makes the early, harder days of transition seem small and more insignificant as they recede into the past.

So keep moving forward. You'll find that the future days that are good will grow to far outnumber the bad ones.


Stephanie

[Charlie Nicki]

I have no doubt you ARE a beautiful successful woman, that little troll in your head is a liar. Tell it to pipe down already.

I think doubts are something we all have. I'm only just starting my journey but I feel like this will always be a huge deal and in a way you ARE grieving for a past version of YOU. A past self so to speak. But remember, that past self, they were like the larval form. That life no longer served you as well as it needed to and you emmerged like a butterfly to begin anew.

Starting again is never gonna be easy, it's like being reborn in a way and while that can be hugely liberating, it can also be extremely scary. Grief and a sense of loss is not surprising and it's totally understandable.

Your feelings are entirely valid, but the voice telling you you aren't amazing and strong and beautiful is a scumbag and a liar and needs a good kicking.

I also struggle with depression and self image and worth problems so if you ever need to talk, i'm around. I might not have a frame of reference for all of it (being AFAB and only just starting to socially transition and asking a lot of questions) but I am a sympathetic ear and a stern voice telling the voice of depression to shut up and get out.

I think we all need someone else to tell our personal demons to shut up, they're too good at controlling us so we can't do it ourselves.

Thank you for your kind words, I really appreciate it.

[Charlie Nicki]

I have the precursor to this feeling. I'm fit, good looking, i have a great job that i'm good at and a great marriage that is rewarding, and I sometimes wonder if I'm flushing it to start a new life as a mediocre looking woman who's less respected professionally and divorced if she's not careful at this transition.
I can understand emphatically what you are feeling, and i see myself feeling that in the future, but remember that you are everything he was, and so much more. I hope your day gets better. Hugs. <3<3

Hi Rae thank you very much. I'm feeling much better today, I'm definitely grieving for the loss of my previous life, including feeling like I don't belong anymore in the community that gave me a home, and an identity for the past 15 years: The gay community. I love my gay friends, they've been in my life forever, but lately I feel like a stranger amongst them, it's not their fault, they haven't done absolutely anything wrong and have been nothing but supportive; but inside I feel more and more different to them everyday. We're not the same anymore, we don't have the same aspirations, the same way of thinking or the same way of facing society. So sometimes I feel alone when I'm with them, I feel like the "token trans girl" of the group that the others cannot really understand fully or relate to completely as much as they try.

[Charlie Nicki]

Oh yes, very much so. I wasn't all that successful or good looking, and my marriage wasn't all that great, but life was so simple.

What triggered it was an old picture with a couple of my neighbors. I was wearing my comfy jeans, a loose button down shirt, my signature baseball cap, and worn tennis shoes. My neighbors were smiling, and I was, too, despite the noise in my head. They accepted me, knew my name, and were comfortable with me, despite our differences.

I could get out of bed, skip shaving if I didn't feel like it, throw on some comfy clothes, and go out into the world with no worries.  So easy.

Looking at that picture induced a meltdown.

But I was so unhappy back then. The further I move into transition, and the more I find old friends learning to accepting me, and the more new friends I gain to replace those who are now uncomfortable with me, the more I understand that I've done the right thing. This week has been pretty incredible, and I'll write more about it on my own thread when I can, but the "new simplicity" that comes with becoming more comfortable with myself and my new world makes the early, harder days of transition seem small and more insignificant as they recede into the past.

So keep moving forward. You'll find that the future days that are good will grow to far outnumber the bad ones.


Stephanie

Thanks Steph. Yes I miss the simplicity of those old days, things are still changing in my life and I don't know when will I gain that sense of stability and complete peacefulness to be happy with this place where life has taken me.

[krobinson103]

Hi Rae thank you very much. I'm feeling much better today, I'm definitely grieving for the loss of my previous life, including feeling like I don't belong anymore in the community that gave me a home, and an identity for the past 15 years: The gay community. I love my gay friends, they've been in my life forever, but lately I feel like a stranger amongst them, it's not their fault, they haven't done absolutely anything wrong and have been nothing but supportive; but inside I feel more and more different to them everyday. We're not the same anymore, we don't have the same aspirations, the same way of thinking or the same way of facing society. So sometimes I feel alone when I'm with them, I feel like the "token trans girl" of the group that the others cannot really understand fully or relate to completely as much as they try.

I can understand this. I lived as gay for many years before spending over a decade trying to be 'normal' (of course it would never fit for me but I was determined to try!). After a year and a half into transition I went to a pride party. I felt... alone. There were gay guys, lots of lesbians, the usual fetish brigades, but no trans people apart from me. The people I felt the most affinity to where the straight cis ones around the side of the room! They sought me out and accepted me as one of their own. I felt more like a... curiosity to most of the people in the room.

[Charlie Nicki]

I can understand this. I lived as gay for many years before spending over a decade trying to be 'normal' (of course it would never fit for me but I was determined to try!). After a year and a half into transition I went to a pride party. I felt... alone. There were gay guys, lots of lesbians, the usual fetish brigades, but no trans people apart from me. The people I felt the most affinity to where the straight cis ones around the side of the room! They sought me out and accepted me as one of their own. I felt more like a... curiosity to most of the people in the room.

Yeah that's how I feel sometimes when I'm surrounded by gay people, like I have more in common with cis women than with any of the other letters of the LGBT acronym... Yet I'm not the same as cis women either. It's a very lonely existence sometimes.

[Rae321]

Idk, lately i feel a sense of only really relating to trans women.  Perhaps that changes as the man suit fades? Either way we may be lonely but we are not alone. Sending you love. <3

Yeah that's how I feel sometimes when I'm surrounded by gay people, like I have more in common with cis women than with any of the other letters of the LGBT acronym... Yet I'm not the same as cis women either. It's a very lonely existence sometimes.

[Charlie Nicki]

Idk, lately i feel a sense of only really relating to trans women.  Perhaps that changes as the man suit fades? Either way we may be lonely but we are not alone. Sending you love. <3

Thanks darling!

[Jessica]

Hey girlfriend 🌸🌸🌸 you have really come so far!  Nostalgic musings should be balanced with the joy of life ahead.  You have taken big, small, circular steps but always forwards towards that future.  You have no choice in experiencing this.  The future will always be there.  Make it a happy one. 💕💕💕

Hugs and smiles from a California girl





@Charlie Nicki

[Anne Blake]

Yeah that's how I feel sometimes when I'm surrounded by gay people, like I have more in common with cis women than with any of the other letters of the LGBT acronym... Yet I'm not the same as cis women either. It's a very lonely existence sometimes.

I have some gay women friends that I enjoy one on one or small group discussions but often times feel quite lonely as I head back home, such a different world. I have been developing some friendships with some queer afab folks. Most of them are younger than my ancient of age and had delightfully open and enlightening things to teach me from their living outside of most any boxes.

[Nightfall]

I can understand this. I lived as gay for many years before spending over a decade trying to be 'normal' (of course it would never fit for me but I was determined to try!). After a year and a half into transition I went to a pride party. I felt... alone. There were gay guys, lots of lesbians, the usual fetish brigades, but no trans people apart from me. The people I felt the most affinity to where the straight cis ones around the side of the room! They sought me out and accepted me as one of their own. I felt more like a... curiosity to most of the people in the room.

Yeah that's how I feel sometimes when I'm surrounded by gay people, like I have more in common with cis women than with any of the other letters of the LGBT acronym... Yet I'm not the same as cis women either. It's a very lonely existence sometimes.

I went through the same thing. I could see it happening and knew that there was nothing I could do to prevent it as slowly the friendships I had known and the community that I counted on faded away. I knew it was happening, knew that we were not the same but the last few months before I let go completely was a poignant time for me. I lived in a funk a long time until I started to make more female friends. Now when I see some of those old friends I don't feel the sadness, I can enjoy the brief encounters without missing the old dynamic.

It can be difficult at first to gravitate towards a different group but it defiantly got easier the more time I spent with women to where now I can't imagine another way be. The last time I was with my family two years ago, was when I really grasped that the past was gone forever. We had gotten together for the day to go through the last of my moms things and help clean the house so my step father could sell it. I never even noticed that I had spent the whole day with my sister, sister-in-laws and nieces until the obligatory group hug before I left and my older brother asked me how I was. My sister and one sister-in-law laughed and I just told him I was fine. My sisters knew like everything about my life and I knew everything about theirs and I hadn't had one real conversation with my brothers all day. Not sad, just the way things worked out.

Thank you for sharing yourself in your thread. I hope and believe you will be comfortable in your friends and groups once again.

Take care

[Charlie Nicki]

I went through the same thing. I could see it happening and knew that there was nothing I could do to prevent it as slowly the friendships I had known and the community that I counted on faded away. I knew it was happening, knew that we were not the same but the last few months before I let go completely was a poignant time for me. I lived in a funk a long time until I started to make more female friends. Now when I see some of those old friends I don't feel the sadness, I can enjoy the brief encounters without missing the old dynamic.

It can be difficult at first to gravitate towards a different group but it defiantly got easier the more time I spent with women to where now I can't imagine another way be. The last time I was with my family two years ago, was when I really grasped that the past was gone forever. We had gotten together for the day to go through the last of my moms things and help clean the house so my step father could sell it. I never even noticed that I had spent the whole day with my sister, sister-in-laws and nieces until the obligatory group hug before I left and my older brother asked me how I was. My sister and one sister-in-law laughed and I just told him I was fine. My sisters knew like everything about my life and I knew everything about theirs and I hadn't had one real conversation with my brothers all day. Not sad, just the way things worked out.

Thank you for sharing yourself in your thread. I hope and believe you will be comfortable in your friends and groups once again.

Take care

Thank you for sharing your story Nightfall .

I have some gay women friends that I enjoy one on one or small group discussions but often times feel quite lonely as I head back home, such a different world. I have been developing some friendships with some queer afab folks. Most of them are younger than my ancient of age and had delightfully open and enlightening things to teach me from their living outside of most any boxes.

Interesting, I haven't met anyone like that.

Hey girlfriend 🌸🌸🌸 you have really come so far!  Nostalgic musings should be balanced with the joy of life ahead.  You have taken big, small, circular steps but always forwards towards that future.  You have no choice in experiencing this.  The future will always be there.  Make it a happy one. 💕💕💕

Hugs and smiles from a California girl





@Charlie Nicki

I will my friend <3.

[Rae321]

Charlie nicki,
I know this thread has been about a lot of heavier stuff but its title combined with my placebo dose of estrogen snuck up on me last night and i had a dream that i was growing breast buds. They didn't hurt like they should have (probably because it's a sensation i don't know yet) but they were obvious little cones coming out of my pecks and i was amazed.  Then i looked up and some pretty South American girl with a blue pink and white shirt started speaking excitedly at me in Spanish and grabbing her boobs while smiling at me.  Then she hugged me and thats when i woke up and knew that it was you and i cried i was so happy to be doing something concrete about this part of my life.  So in the spirit of girls who hold people responsible for things they did in their dreams (like dreams of cheating boy freinds)  thank you for the hug and the encouragement.  I didn't understand a word uoy said and you didn't even know you said it but for twenty minutes until i fell back asleep last night it meant the world to me.  <3<3<3

[Charlie Nicki]

Charlie nicki,
I know this thread has been about a lot of heavier stuff but its title combined with my placebo dose of estrogen snuck up on me last night and i had a dream that i was growing breast buds. They didn't hurt like they should have (probably because it's a sensation i don't know yet) but they were obvious little cones coming out of my pecks and i was amazed.  Then i looked up and some pretty South American girl with a blue pink and white shirt started speaking excitedly at me in Spanish and grabbing her boobs while smiling at me.  Then she hugged me and thats when i woke up and knew that it was you and i cried i was so happy to be doing something concrete about this part of my life.  So in the spirit of girls who hold people responsible for things they did in their dreams (like dreams of cheating boy freinds)  thank you for the hug and the encouragement.  I didn't understand a word uoy said and you didn't even know you said it but for twenty minutes until i fell back asleep last night it meant the world to me.  <3<3<3

Awww what a lovely dream!! Ok I'll take full responsibility for making you smile for a little bit