Outted

Hughie · October 17, 2017, 11:35:17 AM

I was just outted this morning on an online community where I've belonged for a couple of years. I was there first under a female name and switched to a male name a long time ago (1+ year). Some folks knew me from before, including the person who outted me.. Everyone has been fine with it till today when someone outted me to the community under the pretense of humour by dead naming me and saying which is it (though my profile has no female names, and he/him pronouns). Some folks knew I'm trans and some didn't. It wasn't a secret but I didn't advertise the fact either. I'm very upset.

AndrewB · October 17, 2017, 01:16:46 PM

I'm sorry Hughie, that sounds really rough. I'll never understand the desire of lowly individuals to be so vile, to hide their own insecurities. Anonymity can be a nasty temptation. Are there any sort of moderators in this community that may be able to help you out?

Charlie Nicki · October 17, 2017, 07:47:06 PM

So sorry that that happened to you. I agree with Andrew, maybe you can report the post?

Hughie · October 17, 2017, 07:49:48 PM

I did, and the moderator acted a couple of hours later. But quite a few people saw the exchange before the thread was cleaned up. I didn't say anything offensive, just that outing people isn't cool, etc. Being trans wasn't a secret but I didn't make a PSA about it either. The moderator was seriously upset (good reason, obvs.) but waiting to see the fall out now. It was my go to safe space online for a couple of years and I feel really let down.

The guy is trying to apologise now and said it's all a misunderstanding and a joke, but he's backpeddling. He's one of those guys who thinks he knows better than everyone else and I'm sure thinks he was providing a PSA. Likely from some kind of jealousy or who knows why. He's sent me an apology but I'm not ready to deal with it yet. Have no clue what to say. I'm just coming off a 3 day migraine that's threatening to come back so I'm not very clear headed.

Charlie Nicki · October 17, 2017, 10:13:41 PM

I would say calmly explain to him why it was wrong, accept his apology and move on. Don't let that damage what you got going on there, and don't hold any grudges.

The Flying Lemur · October 18, 2017, 01:37:29 AM

Hey, Hughie. Only you can decide whether to forgive the guy who outed you. Maybe it's worth it. Maybe it isn't. I just wanted to say that it's totally up to you whether that relationship is worth saving. You can probably still keep posting at the other site if you are no longer interested in being friends with this person. If it's not worth it, just ignore him. If it were me, I certainly wouldn't trust him with any more personal information. Just saying.

Ryuichi13 · October 18, 2017, 02:01:49 AM

Honestly, maybe I'm vindictive, but I wouldn't want to have a "friend" like them anymore. I'd not accept the apology and block them.

With a "friend" like them, who needs enemies?

Whatever you decide, good luck with the fallout. You're welcome here, of course.

Ryuichi

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Hughie · October 18, 2017, 10:03:03 AM

Yeah, he wasn't a friend but someone else in the same forum. I hadn't trusted him with any personal information, other than some people knowing my old female profile name from knowing me from back then, which he used yesterday, nearly a year and a half since I closed that profile down--after some build up on his part that I had all kinds of secrets and what was my real name. Others in the forum have become online friends. I knew him from before and he's a very righteous sort, so I gave him a wide berth. I don't want to give him the power to take this space from me, but I'm still upset by what happened. He's back in the forum as usual today, like nothing's happened.

Kylo · October 18, 2017, 10:55:08 AM

Now that it's happened hopefully nothing negative comes of it from the others upon the forum. You may find support from unlikely places. This has happened when I've had to for one reason or another explain the situation when I didn't especially want to. But at worst I hope all you have to deal with is this guy.

Hughie · October 18, 2017, 02:50:25 PM

Quote from: Viktor on October 18, 2017, 10:55:08 AM
Now that it's happened hopefully nothing negative comes of it from the others upon the forum. You may find support from unlikely places. This has happened when I've had to for one reason or another explain the situation when I didn't especially want to. But at worst I hope all you have to deal with is this guy.

Other folks there have been cool so far. And he's the only one who I had a bit of an issue from, even from before I changed profiles. So I don't expect any comments from anyone else. I'm still trying to figure out how to respond to his apology when I'm home tonight.

TransAm · October 18, 2017, 03:01:32 PM

Quote from: Hughie on October 18, 2017, 02:50:25 PM
Other folks there have been cool so far. And he's the only one who I had a bit of an issue from, even from before I changed profiles. So I don't expect any comments from anyone else. I'm still trying to figure out how to respond to his apology when I'm home tonight.

Maybe the most powerful way to respond is by not responding at all.

Ryuichi13 · October 18, 2017, 05:50:47 PM

Quote from: TransAm on October 18, 2017, 03:01:32 PM
Maybe the most powerful way to respond is by not responding at all.

I agree. Silence means you don't HAVE to accept his apology, especially if you don't WANT to. There is no rule saying you have to.

Just my opinion. Of course, you do whatever makes you happy.

Ryuichi

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Outted