Goodbye to all of you

[NikkiB51]

I want to thank everyone for all the help that you have given me during my time here.  I have to say goodbye because the price of transitioning just got too high for me to proceed.  I had my appointment to talk about starting hormone therapy set for January.  Being a faithful and loyal husband, I have kept my wife informed of everything and have been open and honest about who I am and who I need to be.  We were going over the typical informed consent paperwork and the reality set in.  She is absolutely against any physical changes.  We all know the vagaries of hormones and the huge variance in outcomes without guarantees.   She will not stay with me as a woman and I can't leave her and the kids. 

I, and I alone, made this decision to keep living my life the way it is.  We make sacrifices for the ones we love everyday.  If I have to sacrifice who I may become and stay who I am for the love of my wife and children, that is a sacrifice I am willing to make.  Am I happy about this change of events?  No, of course not.  Will I over come this disappointment?  In time, yes.  Right now, my heart is heavy and the reality is weighing on my soul, but I will get over it and move on with my life. 

I am not abandoning the transgender cause and will always fight for others to accept my secret sisters and brothers.  Even though I am not transitioning, I am still transgender and I will have to learn to live with my decision.  I cannot continue to peruse these forums due to the impact it would have and the reminder that a better person lives within me, trapped, but still there.  I will continue to battle the gender dysphoria beast and I will keep fighting it till the day I die.

So thanks again to my friends here for all the support and information that I have received.  You have all been wonderful compatriots and comrades in this eternal struggle that we find ourselves in.

Goodbye, my friends.

[MaryT]

You have obviously given the matter a lot of thought and are making a rational decision that may be right at this time.  You might consider leaving your account open, though, in case the situation changes at some time in the future.  I recently tried to persuade someone not to close her account, and as it happened, her account stayed open and mine was closed.  I came back, though.  Perhaps one day your responsibilities will change and you will be able to pursue your dream.  Good luck in the future.

[Megan.]

Nikki, we all have to follow our own path in life,  and only you can decide yours.
I sincerely wish you the best of luck,  and hope you can find a balance in your life that brings you happiness.
We'll always be here if you ever need us again. X

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[Jessica_Rose]

I realize how difficult it was to make that decision. I made a similar decision about 15 years ago. I really wanted to transition, but when I thought about the impact it would have on my family at that time I just could not move forward. I am at a point in my life where transition is now possible. I don't regret the decision I made 15 years ago, as you should never regret your decision. No one knows what the future holds, and one day we may see you here again. I wish you the best of luck in your journey.

[Laurie]

Nikki,

  I wish you the best for the decision you have made. None of us here have a place in your decision as it is your life and it must be your choice. Good Luck Girl. May your future be bright.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[HappyMoni]

Nikki,
   I can' t add much to what others said, except I am sorry. I wish you strength and good spirits. Take care.
Moni

[steph2.0]

Nikki, your choice is as valid as any other. Any decision we make has its benefits and sacrifices, and only you know what is best for your own life. All of us here know what you're giving up for the love of your family, and I applaud you for it. I wish you strength and happiness, and I'll echo Megan: if you ever need help, you know where we are.

Stephanie

[Dena]

I agree that you should leave your account open. While I wish you all the luck in your decision, unfortunately this doesn't go away and if it should hit a crisis stage, you will have the site to fall back on. There are members who have decided as you have and they could be a useful resource should you need them.

Take care of yourself and if there is something I can help with, let me know.

[stephaniec]

good luck

[Charlie Nicki]

The best of luck to you. The only thing that matters is that you are happy.

[CarlyMcx]

Deciding not to transition is perfectly valid.  I made that decision three prior times in my life, after three serious attempts at transitioning:  once when I was 19, once when I was 26, and once when I was 35.  When I started transitioning at 53, I had been suffering physically painful and debilitating panic attacks for 11 years.  I was on heavy anti anxiety medication, and I was almost housebound.  I had literally run out of options.

Keep in mind at all times, this is a health care decision.  Good luck and I hope you have a happy life.  If you find that the dysphoria becomes bad enough to affect quality of life, we are here for you.

Hugs, Carly

[KathyLauren]

Nikki, I salute the courageous decision you are making for the sake of your family.  I understand you reasons, and I support your choice.  We will miss you.

I, too, would urge you to keep your account open, even if you do not use it.  As you say, you are still transgender even if you are not transitioning.  You may, in the future, want to have support from others in your position, and you will find that here.

[LizK]

Hi Nikki

That is a particularly difficult decision . I wish you nothing but the joys of life and your family has someone very special looking after them...You.

Hugs

Liz

[echo7]

Good luck.  See you back in 5 years after you retire from your job.  Although there's a pretty good chance you'll be back sooner than that.  Once an egg has hatched the chick can't go back inside. 

[Chloe]

         Nikki you are 52 (according to profile) same age as me when I early retired. It is now 10yrs later and after taking a few years off "the kids" are now 18 and 19, still live at home, and have children of their own (grandbabies age 1 and 2). Wife and I divorced in 2011 and yet she is back. (whole 'nuther story!)
         Have since taken a new job closer to home where stealth transition also isn't an issue (RLT crossdressing not required) not everybody needs the expense of "therapy", God forbid you spend a little on yourself!! It's you who ultimately decides what's best not somebody else! It makes me angry (LOL "triggered" the word?) how some spouses (women in general?) can be sooo "needy & selfish" I've always used good judgment around family and kids despite the often bad jokes & verbal abuse. My therapist, a minister and also transgendered, of course is always there if I need her don't use insurance CASH, in the long run, is definately cheaper!!
         Wish you the best in whatever you do I suppose the point of this little "self-bio" is putting things (correction: your own needs) forever off till 'later' doesn't always work out the way you might think!! Smaller steps are often better than none at all!!!

Cheers

[Dani]

Nikki,

I did the exact same thing for 50 years. I delayed my transition for family obligations. Now that my children are on there own and my loving spouse of 40+ years has found other men more attractive and very little for me, I found myself very alone. So, I just gave into my long suppressed feelings and I transitioned about 2 years ago.

No regrets. I did what I felt was right.

Take care. Personal relationships change over time. Sometimes for the better.

[Toni]

Nikki, never say never!  Doors are always opening and closing in our lives.  There are many times that I could tell it was time to let one close and, sure enough, another one was opening.  All I had to do was decide whether or not to go through it.  I had to learn to accept that nothing is forever and sometimes I had to let go.  Many things in my life have come and gone several times and I no longer worry about it.  I had to wait, apparently, until I was in my 60's to welcome my other spirit back into my life because I had things to do during my 50 years (had to abandon her at 10 for my own safety) as "male" that I likely could not have done as a female.  When my life settled down it seems the time was right to make a change and I was given this wonderful opportunity to live two lives in one visit.
I regret nothing about the time spent in male mode, it had to be.  Don't despair and know you have my utmost respect and if you still need to be more, the time will likely come when that door is opened for you.  In any case, in the end all we do will be noted and nothing done from the heart will have been wasted effort.   Hugs, Toni

[Shellie Hart]

I used to be a bit of a counselor in a church many years ago and had to deal with people who were forced by life to deal with some chronic physical and mental issues that would gradually worsen as they aged. Some of them relatively young. They just ended up doing whatever it took to cope. That often entailed medication, therapy, hobbies, work changes, etc. (Yes, I know how silly, simplistic and self-serving this sounds). Distractions. Lifestyle changes. Learning new things. Keeping one's mind on other things. Sometimes nearly impossible to do. Life is crap for some of us. It has been for me in ways that I don't detail on this forum.

Anyway, life is damn unfair. I see others living the full, outward lifestyle I desperately want and have wanted all my life. I can't have it. Simple as that, I am afraid. Coping....

My two cents worth.....

[RavenMoon]

It's hard when you are married and stuff. Being married had me putting it off for 10 years.

When we got divorced for unrelated reasons I decided it was time. If I was still married? Probably not. My wife didn't even know I was trans, but later she said she loved me because I was not like any of the men she ever knew, and I reminded of her female friends.

And no, she wasn't supportive about the news and wouldn't have been in our marriage either.

I realize now that besides starting this earlier, I should have either not gotten married, or informed her I was trans. But it's one of those secrets I had and kept suppressing it. [emoji53]


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