Lost

[ghost0001]

Well, it's difficult, even for me.  Ever since I was 12 I knew I was different.  Things like feeling I shouldn't be who I was.  Stealing my mother's clothes.  Wishing I could do things like wear makeup.  I was a teenager in the 90's, I'm 39 as of Thursday.  I spent about 19 years in the army.  Married three times. And still I feel like I'm lying to myself.  After I was discharged, I found a friend in San Antonio and she helped me go out the first time.  I felt like me finally.  There are complications though.  Only a handful of people know.  But my wife doesn't, and I'm scared to say.  I get depressed a lot.  Riding an emotional rollercoaster.  I took a job overseas.  I currently work in Kuwait in communications.  It's illegal here for me to go out, so I do my best to keep it in my apartment.  I wear this mask daily while I work.  I'm honestly lost as to where I belong.  I came here because I thought I could find answers.  A part of me wants to just shout out out, while the other says to continue up the facade to keep everyone else happy.  I'm honestly scared.

I made a friend here in Kuwait who's helping me with makeup and clothes.  But I don't know where I should go nor what to do.  I feel lost.

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[Devlyn]

Hi Ghost0001, welcome to Susan's Place! Thank you for your service, I hope you can join us over in Roll Call!

A gender therapist is usually the first step, are you seeing one now? Honest and open communication with your partner is going to be essential in this.

See you around the site!

Hugs, Devlyn

[ghost0001]

No, I'm not seeing one now and honestly I don't know how I would in Kuwait.  Thank you.

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[Devlyn]

Some therapists do Skype sessions. Here is a link to our Healthcare section. https://www.susans.org/links/Healthcare//

Hugs, Devlyn

[Izzy Grace]

Because I personally feel its important I want to second that suggestion to seek a gender therapist. Many, if not most, do online video sessions.

Not everyone needs one but they can help you navigate this and are trained to do so. They also can give you good coping skills for the journey.

Also, if you're afraid, it's a good idea to be careful about what you post. It is the internet. post, by all means, Susans has been huge for me in my struggles, but just practice caution with personal details.

Also, youtube was huge for me as well. I know some decent channels, I dont know the rules on linking by heart, maybe PM me. Youtubers tend to be younger, but I still found thier insights and journeys to be huge in my journey.

[V M]

Hi Ghost 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that we offer to all new members to help them along

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	Cautionary Note	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

Hugs

V M

[Kendra]

Hello Ghost0001, welcome to Susan's.

I am MtF in Seattle, traveled to UAE and Egypt several times in the 1990s (before transition) but never to Kuwait.  I suppressed who I am for several decades until realizing I have nothing to gain by compromising my life to meet arbitrary social expectations of others.  The exception is if basic safety is involved.

I will go back to Egypt someday but not until completing GRS and other changes.  My new passport arrives in a few weeks with my updated name and legally female.

I agree if you can obtain online/Skype access to a qualified gender therapist that would be a good plan.  I had pretty well made up my mind before my first therapist meeting but that was still more useful than I had imagined - to help confirm my decisions, and to help answer questions once I decided to come out and live freely.

Your location is a problem.  I imagine you are there for work, are well established and you don't want to move to a country where it is legal to be transgender.  A therapist can help you determine what your priorities in life are or should be.  A career is important to help enable other things but is not life itself.  Does your employer pay for transition therapy, medications and surgery?  Some do.  If yours doesn't I suggest look around on LinkedIn, JobMonster and GlassDoor.

All the best,

Kendra

[ghost0001]

Thank you all, I'm currently scrubbing the list of providers to see if I can find one that will do Skype sessions.  I appreciate the info.  Sadly, I'm too new and can't PM yet.  I just went over ranks.  I can, however, post replies here.  KatieKatt, if you could PM me those channels I would appreciate it.  I won't be able to reply due to my rank.  Thank you in advance.  Devlyn, thank you for the link to the therapists, I'll be going over it today since it's my day off.  Mrs Kendra, indeed I am here for work.  I'm trying to support my family back home.  I'm working on getting my CompTIA certs along with other various CISCO certs so I can move from RF communications into System Admin.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. I think at least one of the links was "the transition channel" .

[ghost0001]

So, I just came out to my wife and I'm shaking.  She's supportive, but there are complications.

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[Megan.]

That's a very brave step,  so big hugs from me.
There's going to be alot a learning for both of you; don't rush, take your time and keep talking,  but try not to make this the sole subject.

Marriages can and do survive this,  I wish you both the best of luck. X

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[Kendra]

Coming out to immediate family and especially to your wife is a huge and necessary step.  I bet you found the "what if" leading up to coming out consumed a lot of your thoughts and you are now free from that speculation.  Congratulations and best wishes on unlocking a very important part of your future.

[ghost0001]

After a day of talking things have turned around.  She has so many questions.  I thought I was lost in all this.  Her daughters are accepting as well.  B., her middle child can be gender fluid, so we kinda have a step in the right direction.  K. and A. are totally accepting.  A. wants to bond over makeup now.  I feel 110% better with my immediate family.  Now I just need to somehow tell my parents and siblings.  Thank you all.

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