How to become even more at one with yourself

[SailorMars1994]

Hey everyone. I am pleased to report that my dysphoira is rather well comapred to last weekend. I went to a trans support gorup on thursday too and life has been rather great this week. Still, i was wondering if anyone could give me some not so much transition advice, but self esteem adivce in regards to being trans. So I went to a trans-support group on thursday and it was rather well, for once I am connecting to other tran-ladies and even some trans gentle-men for really the first time in a long time.It is huge as this used to be a trigger for me, for the first 2 years of my transition ('14-'16) I would often, for wahtever reason compare myself negativley agaisnt other trans people (well, other trans women). I would always, and you may laugh but it is a truth, I would always feel inferior and that I am just a stupid loser compared to these real brave ladies. That was another thing that killed me and had me lose my tracks last year. We could have had a very similar childhood and same gender related experinces even at the same age, but if they got HRT or came out before I did I would have back then felt like their pain was worse and I was just a confused fake as a few trusted people had claimed.

That in addition to having dysphoira that comes in waves and sticks me into a state of paralisis. That also as we all know slows my progress down. I was wondering any type of self care anyone has done to have a better outlook become natural. I dont want to slip back into old ways and become jealous and depressed again. I am getting slightly better, however I have hiccups and during those hiccups life ca crash real hard. Thanks.

[Deborah]

Personally I have found only one thing that really makes me feel good naturally most of the time.  That is physical fitness.  I have tried exclusively running a lot and exclusively strength training and a mixture of the two together.  They all work.  As long as you are pushing your body to its limits a few times a week, allowing for adequate recovery, and continually improving it seems to have an extremely beneficial effect on the mind. 


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[DawnOday]

I lack social skill because I hid for so long. But I find the more I am out at the support meeting and with like minded people, the better I feel. But now without secrets I am more adventurous. From what I have experienced thus far it is about making yourself available. The more you do the more confident you get. As to the comparison stuff, that's the estrogen kicking in. I have worked with lots and lots of ladies and let me tell you.  Women dress for women not for men. Oh an occasional nighty for sex with the honey. But day to day it's all about the girls and trying to impress them. The best way to assimilate is to just go with the flow and keep away from places where you may put yourself in danger as nothing affects confidence like cuts and bruises. Forbidden subjects are Sports, Cars, Work. Important subjects- kids, family, home, travel, and work. Yes it is on both lists. Don't press it, everyone appreciates authenticity.  Here is the clue. Women ask women about an article of clothing and they get reactions like that's cute or I like that color. Ask a man and they are like, That's nice how much it cost me?

[Kylo]

First of all, you have to recognize that there is nobody out there - on a fundamental level - better than you, as a being. This comes more easily with age and experience - you meet a bunch of people in life and realize they all have flaws and problems and that the anomaly isn't a person who is stressed and afraid and self doubtful - the true freak of nature is a person who is superhumanly confident in themselves about everything all of the time. People just put on masks and airs to hide what they are really like, and 99% of the time it won't be any better than you or anyone else.

With that in mind, also you need to rein in potential problem feelings like envy. Envy - if you are not going to pursue a course that gets you exactly what you want in some non destructive way - is nothing but a destructive torment to yourself. Looking at other people and constantly coveting what they may look like, or what they have or imagining how perfect their lives must be compared to yours - trust me, never does any good. Take steps to become more like something you want to be of course, but do not fixate and what other people have. Fixate on your own journey.

Also, do not look for validation from others about what you are. That will leave you needing or requiring it for the rest of life, instead of developing your own inner strength to see you through when others are not there for support. They will not always be there, so it is best to sort out what you think of yourself first and foremost before you even begin to think about what others think. If you can find your value and direction internally you won't need anybody, and nobody will be able to tear you down easily, either. 

[Allison S]

What I do is try to go outside everyday, for a walk, to get food and something to drink. Anything at all, I just go outside. I'm still presenting as male and so I get "sir" or "man" and it's upsetting. I always identified as non binary but I guess people and language doesn't allow for that usually. It gets tiring and sometimes I want to avoid things and people for this reason but I just think "If I can't get through this then I'll have a bigger problem later". But of course no one should put themselves through things that are damaging emotionally.

I just wish and pray that what I'm growing through now toughens my skin and I can grow as a person as a result.

[Bari Jo]

I'm in the same boat as you right now.  I feel exactly the same way at group therapy too.  There are some ladies that don't really pass, and haven't even tried voice therapy, but they own it.  That confidence is intimidating.  The only things that are keeping me going are the small things I can control or see in myself.  For instance, losing weight, that's big for me and still makes me happy.  Exfoliating my face makes me look younger and prettier for a brief moment.  Going for electrolyte brings me closer to my goal too, all that even though they are small and dumb help me cope.

Bari Jo

[The Flying Lemur]

One thing you can do when you're feeling insecure is make a gratitude list.  This will help you focus on the things you have rather than the ones you don't.  Also, while Viktor's right that you shouldn't get addicted to external validation, a support group for trans people is exactly the sort of place where you should be able to ask for and get some validation.  I've been in trans groups where people have said that they don't like hanging out with other trans people because it makes them feel envious or insecure.  Nobody got defensive; instead other people said that sometimes they felt that way too.  (YMMV, of course.  I've heard some "support groups" totally suck.)  Another way to get validated in a support group is to share something you're proud of.  Other people will chime in and tell you how awesome you are for your achievement.  This is another way to get your head focused on what's going right with you rather than what's going wrong. 

[Jessica Lynne]

This is a process. There are no magic words that will make it easy. No catch phrases that will make you feel right all day. It's often discussed that this is the toughest thing you'll ever do. I think that if you're doing it right, that's 100 percent true. I think it's like a long slog through the mud and the brass ring will be at the end. Enough consternation and catharsis passes, the hormones change you, the real world accepts you and your lizard brain eventually falls into line due to immersion alone if nothing else. But it's hard, it's very hard. And I think it needs to be. Nothing worth having is easy. I've learned that over many years of hoping it wasn't so. As Jerry Garcia pointed out "when life looks like easy street, there's danger at your door. You'll get there, though. I'm sure of it.

[SailorMars1994]

Thanks ladies and gents!, i know this is gonna be  along road. Its one I gotta do. I promised myself that after my breakdown last year I will be working on every insecurity and problem while I transition so that when it is all over, i can really have that life I always wanted. Still, I just hate that when I a, around trans-women especially I get these insecirites and a near inferior feeling that i am lesser. For whatever reason I do not feel like this around transmen which is odd.

[Laurie]

Still, I just hate that when I a, around trans-women especially I get these insecirites and a near inferior feeling that i am lesser. For whatever reason I do not feel like this around transmen which is odd.

  This sounds like the age old problem women have had through the ages. When you compare yourself to others, you will find faults.
  Be happy in yourself young lady. You have accomplishments you can be proud of and are every bit as good as anyone else if you will just be happy in yourself and what you have done and the distance you have travel to get to where you are now. All worthy accomplishments.

Hugs to you Ashley,
  Laurie

[Brenda3156]

When I first started a support group I had similar feelings. I felt like I wasn't "trans enough". Some of the ladies really had it together and I didn't. I sought out individuals in group and developed them as friends. I use them as my support system and they do the same with me. I think that with all the different personalities in group some people do not always act in a positive way like it says they should in the group norms. Nobody said anything like that directly to me, it was just a feeling I got from some of the members. I realized that it was coming from inside me and not so much from them. By developing friends that were transgender I gained more self confidence and this feeling went away. The advantages of going to a group greatly out weighed dealing with this issue. I immersed myself even further into the group and really started enjoying it. Being in a support group has helped me greatly in transition. I would suggest staying with the group, but only you can decide that.