How do you deal with conflicting needs?

[Cailan Jerika]

I'm pretty much settled into who I am; non-binary, bi-gender, masc and femme aka guy and woman. Not man, just guy. I'm finally comfortable with my inner self. However, my bi-swings are killing me when it comes to my body.

My pre-T body was already a mix of sex characteristics - average male height/tall for a girl, solid, athletic build, huge H-cup boobs (now deflated to a flattened DD due to weight loss and T), no hips (man-hips, I had to have 3 caesarians because of it), a straight waist, and Barbie-long legs but big and quite muscular. I was also hairy, body and face and had to shave or pluck daily. I was notably stronger than just about any woman I knew. My face was "unconventionally pretty," mostly femme but I look like my bio-dad. Yes, I had my T tested, and it was well within the range for a female.

Now my shoulders and arms are bulking up (apparently faster/larger than typical), my face is squaring off, my boobs are shrinking due both to weight loss and T. In some ways both sides of me are loving it. The muscular thing is great for my masc side, and my femme side has always appreciated the Amazon warrior look, so is also kind into it.

When I am my fully femme self I love my femme features and want to get my saggy momma boobs lifted to be pretty and perky again, I want a slim waist. If I won the lotto I'd even have my lower ribs removed to get that shape. I love my boobs and my inner girl parts (even though I rarely use them these days) and simply being a woman.

When I'm my guy self I want the boobs gone. They don't bother me so much when I'm clothed (no interest in binding at all), but they upset me when I'm naked, especially in bed, or seeing myself in the mirror. I want desperately to feel my flat chest with my hands, I want my boobs *gone*. I want full meta with scrotoplasty and total removal of my girl parts.

Oddly, my girl side is fine and even eager for simple meta and even scrotoplasty, but when femme I want my girl parts to be sexually functional. When my guy side is in charge I'm okay with my ovaries staying.

No matter what I choose, I'm going to end up dysphoric over something either being there, or being gone. I thought about getting top surgery and using breast forms to get a femme shape in girl mode, but since a packer makes me feel dysphoric by reminding me of what is missing, I figure breast forms would do the same.

If you had/have this kind of internal conflict, how did/do you deal with it?

[VeronicaLynn]

I've had this sort of conflict for awhile.

What I've done is just focus on the things I'm OK with in either girl mode or guy mode. For me, that's long hair on my head and no body hair or facial hair, and a slimmer figure overall. Still working on that last one.

Since shape shifting is not currently possible, I'm heading in the direction of seeing if I can be OK with just being non-op and feminine leaning androgynous presenting all of the time. I'll re-evaluate things once I've done that for awhile.

[Elis]

Dealing with this atm. Although I feel in no way female but often agender; so that side and my male side is in constant conflict which is tiring. Some days I like how broad my shoulders now are then I part of me wishes to have the thin androgynous look. Some days my hips don't bother me so much on others I want a straight male body. Some days I like how my parts are and they don't bother me; other days I think first stage meta would be awesome with keeping my vagina intact. I don't see why that can't be possible with the meta you want.

Can't much advice just sympathy. I try to just live in the present and what I can do now to make myself feel more comfortable clothes wise. There's nothing I can do about my dysphoria so I just try to embrace it. It makes me me. No point in getting upset over something I can't change.

[JoanneB]

I'm pretty much settled into who I am; non-binary, bi-gender, masc and femme aka guy and woman. Not man, just guy. I'm finally comfortable with my inner self. However, my bi-swings are killing me when it comes to my body.

My pre-T body was already a mix of sex characteristics - average male height/tall for a girl, solid, athletic build, huge H-cup boobs (now deflated to a flattened DD due to weight loss and T), no hips (man-hips, I had to have 3 caesarians because of it), a straight waist, and Barbie-long legs but big and quite muscular. I was also hairy, body and face and had to shave or pluck daily. I was notably stronger than just about any woman I knew. My face was "unconventionally pretty," mostly femme but I look like my bio-dad. Yes, I had my T tested, and it was well within the range for a female.

Now my shoulders and arms are bulking up (apparently faster/larger than typical), my face is squaring off, my boobs are shrinking due both to weight loss and T. In some ways both sides of me are loving it. The muscular thing is great for my masc side, and my femme side has always appreciated the Amazon warrior look, so is also kind into it.

When I am my fully femme self I love my femme features and want to get my saggy momma boobs lifted to be pretty and perky again, I want a slim waist. If I won the lotto I'd even have my lower ribs removed to get that shape. I love my boobs and my inner girl parts (even though I rarely use them these days) and simply being a woman.

When I'm my guy self I want the boobs gone. They don't bother me so much when I'm clothed (no interest in binding at all), but they upset me when I'm naked, especially in bed, or seeing myself in the mirror. I want desperately to feel my flat chest with my hands, I want my boobs *gone*. I want full meta with scrotoplasty and total removal of my girl parts.

Oddly, my girl side is fine and even eager for simple meta and even scrotoplasty, but when femme I want my girl parts to be sexually functional. When my guy side is in charge I'm okay with my ovaries staying.

No matter what I choose, I'm going to end up dysphoric over something either being there, or being gone. I thought about getting top surgery and using breast forms to get a femme shape in girl mode, but since a packer makes me feel dysphoric by reminding me of what is missing, I figure breast forms would do the same.

If you had/have this kind of internal conflict, how did/do you deal with it?

I know it is a "Bad Day" when I see "The Sad Old Man in the Mirror". In RL I am about as anti-fem, 6ft tall, towering above all my male peers, forget the 5'6" female average ones. Balding since 15, deeper by an octave or so "average" males voice, and least we forget the giant frog hands and super extra large feet.

I have a well entrenched "male" life of some.. 50 years. A wife, a totally fun career, A job I cannot believed I get paid to have fun at (most days), awesome respect of my coworkers as "The Hero" engineer. "If I can't fix it, It aint broke".

My "Guy" side is pretty much comfortable with being the ugly old bastard that I am. Even in my youth, I was no catch (re: balding since since 15 on top of a HOST of other issues). I was never nuttin, never will be.

I live and present primarily as male. I lived part-time female for a few years. That side of me LONGS for the positive reinforcement I always received, in spite of the 6ft (w/o heels) height and loving to do girlie girl when appropriate. Even for an old dinosaur.

I have MOSTLY "Good" days, some of those "Bad" days. I try to keep in mind the balance of priorities which are important, TO ME. Still... It SUCKS. But, when you take into consideration everyone that you know, and what they say about their own life. Whose is Perfect? I doubt anyone's.

One simple question I found answers so many difficult ones:
Which Pain Is Worse?

Only you know... maybe