I don't know what to do about dead naming

[Amoré]

I am sitting with this problem for a while now. My father brother and that side of the family dead naming me and forcing others that doesn't dead name me to call my by my dead name.

My sister calls me by my name but they force her and my mother to dead name me. I saw my father yesterday when he picked up my sister for my brothers wedding that I am not attending because of the dead naming. My father dead named me. He then went on to correct my sister when she called me Amore and sayd it is rickus.

Do I cut them out of my life because I really don't like being dead named. I don't need to be reminded about who I can't be for them each time they talk about me or see me. I am so tired of it now and no matter how nice I am how I fight with them what I do they say you are rickus and we will call you rickus.

I have a friend that calls me ricky and even that irritates the crap out of me.

[Bari Jo]

Hi Amore, I'm just starting to feel this and I haven't even come out to mu family yet.  I can only imagine the discomfort they are causing by their rudeness.  Personally I would cut them out.  Do the fade away.  Let them contact you instead of you them, and only respond if they don't use the dead name out of rudeness.  On accident is excusable, but not what they are doing.

Bari Jo

[AnnMarie2017]

I have not had to deal with this issue, so I can't speak from personal experience.

Your father is forcing you to choose between his idea of who you are and who you really are. If you tolerate this behavior, it will never change; and it is damaging to you personally to tolerate it.

The only way to win this game is to not play. One way or another, whether you tell him personally (better) or let him know by telling another family member, he has to know that you will not tolerate being treated with such an appalling lack of respect. He wouldn't tolerate being treated with this degree of disrespect in his life; and, if there's one thing he will understand about your transition, it will be this: you will not tolerate being treated with disrespect by anyone. And he won't believe it until you cut him off. And whether he agrees with you or not, on some level, he will respect that.

I suspect your brother and other "little dogs" in the family are taking their cues from the "big dog" (your father). Stand up for yourself. You don't have to be rude or unkind about it; just firm. To permit this behavior while continuing to associate with him shows a lack of conviction and/or self-respect, and your father sees it that way.

[Angela Drakken]

At work when I got tired of sounding like an owl, (who? Who?) I just started chirping back with '*deadname* never came to work today man.' Or other such jabs and just made everyone feel silly. Im not proud of it but one time I actually lost my temper and screamed SCREAMED at one co worker 'THATS NOT MY ******* NAME!!' so loudly you could hear me shrieking at them on the other side of the building. I think now most are terrified of messing up.. Further adding to their embarassment is literally all of my identification at work and name tags read my actual name anyways so even complete strangers give them weird looks when they slip up.

What Ive learned though is the people who want to get it WILL get it. To hell with everybody else.

[Tamika Olivia]

As an adult child of older parents, the only leverage you have with them is your presence.

So, make it clear to them that you're stepping back from the relationships. But also make it clear that they are cutting you out, not the other way around. And they are, they're cutting you out by being rude, cruel, petty, and disrespectful. Tell them that the key back into your life, if you want them to have one, is to apologize and use your name.

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[Tammy Jade]

My situation isn't exactly the same as your but I share ur frustration.

My Father deadnames me all the time. He is in the early stages of  dementia and although I grant him some leniency because if that it's also clear that he some times he uses the dementia as a excuse to not try.

He is fairly easy to read these days and it can really hurt when're dead names me deliberately.

I have on several occasions thought of cutting him because of the blatant use about the dementia but then I consider how that would affect my mother who I love and who I am amazingly close to since coming out. As much as he drives me up the wall I chose to tolerate it for Mum.

It can be really hard sometimes and a lot of people do and will recommend cutting ur father but in practicality it isn't alway all that easy to do without hurting mutual loved ones that you and the idiot share.

It's also easy to say, if x person loved me they would cut him as well but A that is a big ask of anyone and B it isn't always that straightforward either.

Personal relationships are always messy and complicated and it is ok to try and work it through, don't get me wrong it's painful, hurtful and sucks but sometimes it still my be the lesser of two evils.

I suppose all I am trying to say is don't make any rush decisions without also weighing up flow on consequences.

Hope this helps
-Mara


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[LizK]

Hi Amoré

I am an older transitioner but My parents who are in their 70's and claim to be absolute allies to LGBT people misname me constantly. It  is less with my mother ash she has retreated and left my father to "Deal" with me. He will in public when writing back to me use Liz but when he and I talk via skype(he is in another country) he not only misnames me but speaks to me as one male to another.

This distresses me greatly(which he knows) and I am not sure how long I will be able to keep it up for. The only time I am ever misnamed now is by them. No one else does, not even my brothers.

I have tried all sorts of things to deal with it and nothing seems to work. My brother was over for a conference and we spoke about it. He was "What's the big issue, what does it matter" after explaining it too him he told me he didn't think it would ever change. So I hit him right between the eyes (guessing that it would go straight back to my parents), telling him there would be repercussions if they continue to do it.  He laughed at me and said like what..."You won't talk to them"....Told him, that is exactly right, I will delay the time between the calls until they are stretched out to a couple of times a year. My mother can't even look at me and my father mis names me continually.

They are the only parents I have and I really don't want to stop being part of their lives but unfortunately it would appear my Mother has already made that happen by just not being around when we have the calls and my father is not far behind her. I will keep the door open as long as I can but I have to accept that as some point it may close.

You may well have to distance yourself to make it possible to keep the relationship going. This is the reasoning I used with my brother...has it worked ...only time will tell. I haven't spoke to them for over 6 weeks now and really don't think it will happen anytime soon.

[JillianC]

I'm sorry Amore.  It sounds like your father and brother have really made up their mind to be unsupportive.  Not sure what point they are trying to make but it sounds like they don't care about your feelings.   All you can do is to continue to tell them how it makes you feel and that they are intentionally hurting you.  If they don't stop you may have to start withdrawing from them.

[steph2.0]

Amore, isn't your father's name Mary? She might not like you calling her that.

Steph

[echo7]

There is little to no reason to keep negative people in one's personal life, not even family.  There are plenty of good people in the world.  I choose to spend my time with them instead, and advise you to do the same.

[Sarah_P]

My best friend (that I also currently live with) is constantly using the wrong name & pronouns. This isn't because he's trying to be cruel, it's just that it's very difficult for him to break old habits. I give him some leeway on this, but will occasionally gently correct him, and he (usually) always apologizes when he realizes it.
In your case, however, it does sound like they just refuse to cope with the reality that you are who you are now. Hopefully it's just that & not actual transphobia. At the very least they're showing an incredible amount of disrespect for you & your struggle.
I would say to do what you can to lessen your contact with them. Also, and I know this will be hard, but just refuse to acknowledge them when they refer to you by the deadname.

[Devlyn]

There is little to no reason to keep negative people in one's personal life, not even family.  There are plenty of good people in the world.  I choose to spend my time with them instead, and advise you to do the same.

That right there. I can't add anything else to it.

Hugs, Devlyn

[steph2.0]

My best friend (that I also currently live with) is constantly using the wrong name & pronouns. This isn't because he's trying to be cruel, it's just that it's very difficult for him to break old habits. I give him some leeway on this, but will occasionally gently correct him, and he (usually) always apologizes when he realizes it.

My wife is having a hard time with this, too, after 35 years together. So I've initiated what I call reverse-clicker training. Clicker training is usually used on animals to reinforce positive behavior. When they do the right thing, you click a little noisemaker thingy. In this case, it would be obtrusive to click for positive behavior, so when she accidentally misgenders or deadnames me, I quietly snap my fingers. It's not meant to be demeaning, and neither of us see it that way. It's just a simple reminder that most people wouldn't even notice, and it does seem to help.

You've got to approach it with the right attitude, though, so nobody is insulted...

Steph

[Gertrude]

Tell him that until he respects you, you're out of there. That, or a baseball bat to the knee caps.


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[Julia1996]

My wife is having a hard time with this, too, after 35 years together. So I've initiated what I call reverse-clicker training. Clicker training is usually used on animals to reinforce positive behavior. When they do the right thing, you click a little noisemaker thingy. In this case, it would be obtrusive to click for positive behavior, so when she accidentally misgenders or deadnames me, I quietly snap my fingers. It's not meant to be demeaning, and neither of us see it that way. It's just a simple reminder that most people wouldn't even notice, and it does seem to help.

You've got to approach it with the right attitude, though, so nobody is insulted...

Steph

I just used a shock collar on my brother. He learned very fast. His permanent twitch is hardly noticeable these days . Now if I could only get his eyes to uncross things would be great.

[steph2.0]

I just used a shock collar on my brother. He learned very fast. His permanent twitch is hardly noticeable these days . Now if I could only get his eyes to uncross things would be great.

Turn the collar over and hit him again. That should straighten things out.

[Devlyn]

Just to weigh in again, in society, parents are allowed to name people......until the people are eighteen, then they can name themselves. Done deal, it happens thousands and thousands of times every day.

If there's an issue that isn't merely habit or slipups, then it's on you to stand up for yourself. If you can't assert yourself to your family, you need to work on your self esteem.

Someone digging their heels in and using Mike with me would find communication impossible, and I would have an absolute field day with them. 

Hugs, Devlyn

[Charlie Nicki]

The only way to win this game is to not play.

This sums up my thoughts. Just stop associating with them, ignore their calls, don't see them. They will take the hint.

[Amoré]

Just to weigh in again, in society, parents are allowed to name people......until the people are eighteen, then they can name themselves. Done deal, it happens thousands and thousands of times every day.

If there's an issue that isn't merely habit or slipups, then it's on you to stand up for yourself. If you can't assert yourself to your family, you need to work on your self esteem.

Someone digging their heels in and using Mike with me would find communication impossible, and I would have an absolute field day with them. 

Hugs, Devlyn

That is the thing I do try to stand up for myself ask them rickus who? Tell them stop calling me that and so on and nothing happens they just call me rickus again or tell me this is the name I gave you and this is what I will call you no one can choose their own name.

[Devlyn]

Then you must walk away. When you do, it's imperative that you do not respond to anything other than your chosen name when interacting with them.

Social conditioning is getting the better of you. You think you need your family's approval and support. When my family wouldn't support me, I walked away from them and found people who accepted me and became my second family.

Hugs, Devlyn