Hi, I am Eva.
This is the first time I have admitted this to anyone.
My story is a bit different. I have lived 68 years as a man. My submergence of my gender identity was so profound, I was not really aware I was living in a state of denial; so the many stories in these introduction blurbs are hard for me to relate to, until now.
I was content (maybe not truly happy) with being a male, but I was recently diagnosed with penile cancer. This has triggered my dysphagia. Once I realized that part or all of my penis was departing, first I had a sad week, as if I lost a friend to death, but then I started thinking about options, and I started talking to my wife about gender assignment. Although I think she was humoring me, she said she would stay with me and support me whatever.
Over the next two weeks, I went crazy. I went from dread to elation. I felt I had lifted a huge weight off myself. I had to learn to converse/accept my emotions, and the epiphany that I was Eva. In the end, I had no choice. If I don't then I enter a world of denial, and from the posts here, that is not a good place to go to.
Fortunately, I am a lesbian, so my sexual orientation fit with my gender identity. If it hadn't I bet that I would have come to this point a lot sooner in life. I want to stay with my wife - I get very excited about developing a new life with her.
I guess I am dense, but I have glimpsed my female gender identity over the years. In fact, I wrote an unpublished novel, in which I chose the main character to be the heroine. There are other instances, too, such as cross dressing at 10 years old.
I see from the posts that fear is a big factor, and I am struggling with many fears. I think am an old man and I feel is would be disrespectful to the female gender wear women's clothing, but I want to. I worry about a gynecological visit (this in particular almost scared me to the point of denial - not the visit, but waiting in a room of women to await my turn). Obviously, telling my family is a common fear issue. It's funny though; I know fear wants to dissuade me, but my mental transformation is so complete that these fears are incidental obstacles to be overcome. (In the last three weeks, I can't tell you how much my whole personality has changed; there is so much to tell.)
Today I am tackling a big fear. I am seeing the doctor to get a final prognosis, and I anticipate that they will be doing a partial penectomy, taking off the top of my penis. (Ideal for the transition! Yah!) That is not the fear; that is the hope! The fear is that I am going to be telling my wife definitively who I am - Eva, and that regardless of the prognosis, I want to be Eva. Wish me luck!
BTW, could someone recommend to me a book on trangender transformation? I see there are a couple Transgender Guides, but I would like to start with the best.
Yours, Eva!!!
