Hi, i'm Nina

[Nanina]

Hello everybody,

I am a trans women but i not yet transitioned. Two days ago i had another breakdown but instead of crying in bed or getting high to numb myself this time i wrote a post to ->-bleeped-<- about it. That set some things in motion apparently. For the first time in my life i am communicating with people about this topic and my feelings.
I have been suffering from depression my whole life, i have an eating disorder and i feel like a girl inside since i've been a teen. I have scars on my arms from cutting myself and i thought about killing myself quite a few times.
I hope this time i can change something abut it finally.
I am sick of being depressed, anxious and lonely and i want to change my life. I really hope it is not too late for me.
I am a little weird and sometimes have trouble understanding people.
I have not a lot of friends, i didn't have a serious relationship in more than 10 years and i don't really think this is going to change but who knows.
Anyway that's me.
I am not yet sure if i will transition or not. I am just gathering as much information as possible to see if this makes sense for me or not. Maybe i am too old even.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. It's never to late to become yourself. We have members in their 60's transitioning and I have heard of transitions in their 70s. I think you will find this site very useful in dealing with the problems you face. The moderation is sufficient to protect our members from attacks and there is a wealth of information available. If you are unable to find something, ask. Odds are somebody will be along shortly to help you. Lately it seems like we have someone in surgery at least every couple of weeks and I know we currently have three member in the hospital as I type this. If you don't want surgery, that's fine as well. We have member who are happy living life somewhere between the binary ends of the scale. Let us know where you want to go and we will help you get there.

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[MaryT]

Welcome.  Nina.  I'm Mary, I'm 61 and I empathise with almost everything you wrote, although I've never deliberately cut myself.  I found that communicating with people on this site is very therapeutic.  It also made me decide that my dreams were still possible, in spite of my age.  I think that that epiphany partly triggered my own breakdown a few weeks ago, but it turned out well because I recovered with plans to realise those dreams and transition.  If you do have another breakdown, write about it, as you did this time, and don't close your account, as I did.  (Obviously I'm back now, and very glad to be.)  I hope that you can realise your dreams.

[JessiCalypsoƸ̴Ӂ̴Ʒ]

Hello Nina! I totally understand where you're coming from, especially the getting high part. I used drugs for many yrs to numb myself from the pain of dysphoria. My addiction eventually progressed to using heroin intravenously. I decided to get clean in March, so I got into a methadone clinic. 4 months later I regained enough of myself to realize what I'd been avoiding all my life. I finally stopped running from who I really was, & embraced the girl inside. I knew that I had a choice: transition & be happy or die... Either by sinking back into drugs & ODing, or suicide...

I chose to be happy, & it has been the best decision of my life.

I began HRT 9/14, & I've barely stopped smiling since!! I've never really felt happy before, & let me tell you, it feels WONDERFUL!!!

My point in telling you all this is that you may feel lonely, BUT YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! I've heard a lot of trans people's stories of late (part of a project I'm working on), & you'd be AMAZED at how many people have walked in your shoes, & then turned their lives around by finding themselves. This is the best place I've come across too for doing just that. You're among friends here!! [emoji4]
Much love!! -Jessi [emoji178]



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[Bari Jo]

Hi Nina, I can completely relate to the depression, isolation and loneliness.  I never cut myself, but know you were trying to feel "something".  That hits home for me.  You've come to the right place.  I also recommend finding a gender therapist and tg support group in your area.  I found that discussing these things with an actual person or group with them watching you and responding is great addition.  Anyway, welcome.  You will find lots of support and nice people here.

Bari Jo

[Briah]

Hi Nina,  welcome and take the time to wander through the different discussions.  I am sure that you will find many that you relate to in many ways.  Take what fits for you and if it doesn't fit let it go.  As others say I would suggest a good therapist and if you can find one that can work with you on gender issues that is even better.  Go at your own pace and good luck.

[Nanina]

Hi, thanks everybody for welcoming me.
I already feel so much better by just writing about my problems.

Hi Jessi,
OMG i am so proud of you. Overcoming a heroin addiction is a massive task.
I have a few friend who died because of it .
I was always very careful about it but abused a lot of other drugs for years daily.
I still do coke sometimes. I'm not proud about that...
I hope this goes away as soon as i feel more confident about myself.
Anyway thank you so much for writing me here.

Hi Bari,
i found a support group close to me. I have not yet contacted them but i will do so soon.
They also do one time one on one sessions and recommend therapists and doctors.
It sounds like the right place to go.

[V M]

Hi Nina 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

[Roll]

Hi, thanks everybody for welcoming me.
I already feel so much better by just writing about my problems.

Hiya!

I think that 99% of us (totally unscientific estimate) have spent lifetimes bottling everything up, never expressing these feelings to anyone, ever. When you do write about it, talk about, even just open up to yourself about it... It's huge. Particularly when the people you are talking to have been there too. I did the same just over two months ago, and I'm already infinitely happier because of it, feeling more connected to people and actually a part of a community more so than I have ever been. So keep on talking and keep up the good work!

[JessiCalypsoƸ̴Ӂ̴Ʒ]

Hi Jessi,
OMG i am so proud of you. Overcoming a heroin addiction is a massive task.
I have a few friend who died because of it .
I was always very careful about it but abused a lot of other drugs for years daily.
I still do coke sometimes. I'm not proud about that...
I hope this goes away as soon as i feel more confident about myself.
Anyway thank you so much for writing me here.

Thanks for your kind words! It was def a struggle, & well worth it! Coke was where my addiction started, 15 yrs ago. I "dabbled" in drugs up until 5 yrs ago when I hurt my back. I was prescribed oxycodone, & I very quickly realized how nicely it numbed not just my physical pain, but my emotional as well, of which I had a LOT; I mean, I'd been bottling up my gender issues since I was 4 yrs old... Once I started HRT, I no longer had ANY desire to use ANY drugs, & I plan to dose out of the clinic once I'm living as female FT (in like a month). There's no reason for me to get high/stay on methadone. I'm no longer in denial, & I'm happier than I've ever been!!

Also, I wanted to mention that you're not alone in the cutting thing either. I cut a little bit in highschool, but drugs ended up being my escape.

I really hope you can find yourself, & in doing so you can get away from the drugs, like I have... Just remember, drug addiction can only end in one of three ways: recovery, incarceration, or death.

If you ever need to talk to someone, about ANYTHING, please feel free to PM me! If it's urgent, just let me know & I'll get back to you ASAP! I'm here for you, sister!! [emoji4]
Much love!! [emoji178]

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[Nanina]

Hi Jessi,
thank you so much!
I tried to PM you already (no emergency, just to stay in touch) but i have not enough posts to do so atm.
I always tried to numb myself. First with drugs then with work. After my burnout in 2010 when i ended up in the hospital i slowly came back to drugs. It's like a downward spiral. I really don't want this anymore.
If really feels good to find people that have similar experiences.
You may also PM me whenever you want. I wish for you to be happy and free of addiction in the future. You deserve it!
I often wonder why we have to face these demons that just lead to suicide. I mean some just kill themselves other do it slowly by abusing drugs. It seems so unfair. I just want to be normal.
Much love to you too .

[hgamad]

Hi Nina! Welcome!

I have just recently joined as well. I completely understand living with depression and anxiety is extremely hard. If you ever need help or want to talk I will be here, as soon as I have posted enough to get that feature. Being weird is better than being boring I always say. I'm pretty weird myself and don't have a lot of friends either. I'm sure you will find a LOT of comfort here on this site 

[solitary]

Hi Nina hope you get to know many friends her and much informations.