Feeling as If I am Transgender

[BJ0909]

Someone who is transgender, experiences discomfort that is specifically related to their gender role as assigned at birth. It could be detailed, as in why do I have ... or general as in I feel fake, and everything in between.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gender_dysphoria

Most folk never feel any discomfort with their role, and as a result, never ask the question why does doing this make me feel bad. That's why we say, if you're questioning your gender, then you are most likely somewhere under the trans umbrella, especially if the questioning doesn't stop (akin to an obsession, or compulsion).

For me, that's been 4 years now - I don't have OCD, but I do have anxiety issues, and working out I was trans was like huh, that all makes sense now, and helped me stop worrying about certain things - it also unfortunately ramped up my poor self esteem though (feeling invalid, unlovable, a freak, an outsider, very, very alien and consequently worthless). I have complete anxiety meltdowns at the thought of my partner leaving me.

It also came out of the blue, triggered by something that happened.

In your welcome post from the moderator team, there is a link to our wiki, (also linked at the top of the page), that may be of help too.

Are you trans? Only you can answer that.



Rowan

I hope you don't hate me. I guess its just frustrating because.....up until now..... I mean yes Id ask if it was weird that I am not a girly girl but......I would not ask myself about my gender....I would not have thoughts about me being transgender.....I never felt weird about having breasts or periods....I mean yes periods are annoying.....and yes I am more masculine than feminine. But......IDK if I am just both masculine and feminine? But......before all of this started.....I felt more and still kinda do...feel more self conscious about the size of my breasts not in having breasts. And I never felt self conscious about having a vagina either. But I never would think about my future as a man.....I would feel self conscious about my boobs being uneven but not that they were there. As far as I know......I have not had hate about being a girl. I know I am a tomboy......I know I like geeky things and nerdy things.....I get so uplifted when I go to anime conventions and meet other people who like anime. Those kinds of things I feel so happy about. When I see Harry Potter stuff I get all excited. But when thinking about being a guy....I don't get GIDDY and excited!!!! But I mean growing up I loved Barney and I have my American Girl doll.....And I still have my American Girl doll in my closet....I guess I never really think about gender because I guess it doesnt make me feel uncomfortable....

[Roll]

But see what I am trying to understand is..... I am crying more over this guy not loving me than the whole trans thing....now all I am reading is you guys singling me out as being trans....

Please understand, no one is "singling you out for being trans". We don't know if you are. All we can do is offer our own experiences and point you in a direction to explore the issue for yourself.

One thing I will say unequivocally: You are going in circles on this issue, and you will never get anywhere as long as you do that. You have to focus on why you have this fear/worry (the belief you might be trans) in the first place, because simply saying "but I never questioned x or felt y or wanted z" doesn't accomplish anything. Being transgender is a very broad spectrum, and none of these things are definitive either way. Just as experiences lining up with others is not definitive either. These are all indicators, potential symptoms if you will, but there is simply no one "one size fits all" definition for being transgender that people can give you.

And the issue of whether someone will leave if you are trans... is irrelevant. You can't control what other people will do, and you don't have any real way to know what they will do in the first place. Their actions do not dictate who you are or are not, and his actions will not change whether or not you are transgender no matter how that plays out. It is natural to fear repercussions and fallout from something like this, but there is no sense worrying about it when you aren't even sure you are transgender.

If nothing else, please read what I am about to say now. I have OCD as well, and I can recognize when OCD is in overdrive. (I think a lot of people can to be honest, as it is fairly evident.) You are showing a number of indications that you are in a severely obsessive mindset on this issue, such as focusing on the same few points repeatedly even when they have been addressed. Based on my own history, I honestly do not know if you can make a rational decision until you manage to break through the obsessive downward spiral. I know that is easier said than done, but it is the only way you will be able to deal with this question one way or the other. I strongly suggest that if you are on any medication for your OCD and anxiety, to make sure you are not neglecting to take it at the moment. I don't mean to suggest you are not, simply that I know my own history with avoiding PCD meds when I was at my worst and the state of mind I would get in and don't wish for you to make my past mistake.

[Sno]

(Hugs)

Sweetie, it's all good

Rowan

[BJ0909]

Today I have been listening to the song "Amazed" by LoneStar.....and I look at pictures of he and I and IDK I get this smidge feeling in my chest.....like......do I have feelings for him??? But then when i think about the whole gay, bi, trans things as far as I know I dont feel anything...

[The Flying Lemur]

Hey there, please re-read what Roll posted above:

If nothing else, please read what I am about to say now. I have OCD as well, and I can recognize when OCD is in overdrive. (I think a lot of people can to be honest, as it is fairly evident.) You are showing a number of indications that you are in a severely obsessive mindset on this issue, such as focusing on the same few points repeatedly even when they have been addressed. Based on my own history, I honestly do not know if you can make a rational decision until you manage to break through the obsessive downward spiral. I know that is easier said than done, but it is the only way you will be able to deal with this question one way or the other. I strongly suggest that if you are on any medication for your OCD and anxiety, to make sure you are not neglecting to take it at the moment. I don't mean to suggest you are not, simply that I know my own history with avoiding PCD meds when I was at my worst and the state of mind I would get in and don't wish for you to make my past mistake.

If it makes any difference, I think that it's impossible to tell whether you're trans, gay, or bi right now.  You're so focused on the idea that you may be, and on the resultant anxiety, that I doubt you can hear your own inner voice.

Is there any chance you can print this thread out and take it to your therapist, or to someone else whose opinion you trust?  I think you're too upset to hear us right now.  Having a trusted person talk to you about your fears might help a lot. 

[Allie24]

I'm going to be honest with you here... I don't think you're trans. From what I've read, it sounds like you are going through an identity crisis at the moment. You have stated over and over that you've never thought about being the opposite sex and never questioned anything about your gender presentation and never, at all, felt like something was off about your body or your own self. Some here may disagree, but I think that a solid history of some sort of gender/sexual questioning/confusion is necessary for knowing whether or not you should consider transitioning.

You are way overthinking this and need to focus, instead, on your anxiety and how to manage it.

And if the shape of your chest bothers you, maybe you could consider some sort of breast augmentation surgery to even them out?

[Sinead]

Read this:
https://freethoughtblogs.com/nataliereed/2012/04/17/the-null-hypothecis/

[Roll]

Read this:
https://freethoughtblogs.com/nataliereed/2012/04/17/the-null-hypothecis/

Just read through that, and I had a head meets desk moment when it bulls eyed me with the reference to Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde and Switch. Watched the former repeatedly on Comedy Central religiously when it came on, and was always obsessed with seeing the latter for years (pre-everything available on internet) ever since I saw the synopsis on a hotel movie rental kiosk when I was 10. (Though I seemed to have remembered the box art being the girl going to use a urinal. Or was that a different movie? Maybe it was the back of the box?)

[BJ0909]

I am sorry if I have hurt anyone or offended anyone......if I ended up being transgender I am not against it. Just as if I was gay or bi I would not be against it......but for me its just confusing because I have always known I am not a girly girl....I am more tomboyish than my sister. I have been most of my life....but I know I have not ever had thoughts of wanting to get rid of my genitalia or breasts. And I have never had thoughts of "Oh I want to be a boy" or "Oh I want to be seen and known as a boy.." And I have never wanted to change my name as far as I know to be a more boy name....for me its been about if all of this is coming from my OCD/anxiety or if it is real feelings.....which is why I bring up my other thoughts of being violent, not loving my parents, not caring about this person I know in my life, being gay/bi etc. Because......as far as I know.....I would just be living life.....being my weird silly dorky self....and I would not feel self conscious of the body given to me except maybe my breasts being two different sizes and having irregular periods but......I know I have not had thoughts of wanting to be turned into a boy as far as I know and wanting to go back in time and change myself to a boy...

[Allie24]

I am sorry if I have hurt anyone or offended anyone......if I ended up being transgender I am not against it. Just as if I was gay or bi I would not be against it......but for me its just confusing because I have always known I am not a girly girl....I am more tomboyish than my sister. I have been most of my life....but I know I have not ever had thoughts of wanting to get rid of my genitalia or breasts. And I have never had thoughts of "Oh I want to be a boy" or "Oh I want to be seen and known as a boy.." And I have never wanted to change my name as far as I know to be a more boy name....for me its been about if all of this is coming from my OCD/anxiety or if it is real feelings.....which is why I bring up my other thoughts of being violent, not loving my parents, not caring about this person I know in my life, being gay/bi etc. Because......as far as I know.....I would just be living life.....being my weird silly dorky self....and I would not feel self conscious of the body given to me except maybe my breasts being two different sizes and having irregular periods but......I know I have not had thoughts of wanting to be turned into a boy as far as I know and wanting to go back in time and change myself to a boy...

So you're a tomboy. It's that simple.

I think you're blowing this way, way out of proportion.

[BJ0909]

So you're a tomboy. It's that simple.

I think you're blowing this way, way out of proportion.

I hope you don't hate me. I am sorry if you do.

[Allie24]

I hope you don't hate me

Of course not. I apologize if my responses came across as cold. I just think that it's best that you work on your anxiety right now because that is really what the problem is here.

Being cis does not automatically make you transphobic. You've told us already that you have nothing against LGBT people, so don't worry, we have no qualms with you.

But, seriously, find a therapist and work out the anxiety/identity issues. You pin way too much of your own self worth on the opinions of others (something that many of us, here, do) which is hella unhealthy. Take a few deep breaths, do something that you enjoy, and look into doing the work that you need.

[BJ0909]

I am sorry to anyone I have hurt or offended. Its just frustrating for me......I have been in therapy for anxiety, OCD, and my Aspergers. And I felt as if the stuff I was going through before all of this was getting a little better. And then all of this comes in a wave...and now its like taking a step backwards? If I ended up being trans I know its not the biggest deal in the world. But for some reason....I seem to cry more about this guy who is in my life and feeling sad or scared that he wouldn't love me or care about me if I ended up this way. I seem to be crying more over that than these feelings of being trans...And at this point it is hard for me to distinguish between real anxiety/OCD and if these thoughts or feelings are real. Its like.....for some examples.....I don't think about marriage or sex much. So then it makes me ask myself if I want those things....Just as in the whole gender thing.....I mean yes I am not a girly girl and I have always felt comfortable with that....But I have not imagined my life as a guy or wanting to be a guy....so its like..."Oh are you just suppressing something?" when as far as I know I would not think about gender....I just lived life as me...

[Roll]

BJ, you have not hurt or offended anyone. We are only worried about you, and attempting to help as best we can, but there is only so much we can do. Please make sure to be open to your therapist about all of this. You have to let go of worrying about what other people such as this guy may or may not think and focus on dealing with the cause of your current anxiety and obsession, and discovering whether or not the transgender worries are real or illusions. Please, understand that theoretical reactions to an issue that may not even exist are not going to do you any good and only distract you from dealing with the real problem at play.

[BJ0909]

And of course I am trying to figure out if I love this guy who I know. He has been the one thing I cry about a lot..like today.....he asked me if he wanted him to stop caring and wanting to push him away.....IDK why but I just started to cry....and I cried for like 5-10 minutes. I have felt some arousal towards him recently....when he has messed with me or hugged me. etc. I know its stupid to cry over someone who i dont even love.....but idk if all of this means I do love him.

[BJ0909]

But I guess it would not matter anymore anyways.....he hates me and does not care about me. I have cried a bit this afternoon. And it's my own fault.I get so caught up in my own problems I push him way and set boundaries and I cry this afternoon....and I have to get use to him hating me....*sigh* And he is probably not going to care about me or love me anymore.....cause I am so stupid and incapable of loving him and caring about him....because of everything I am going through with my questioning...

[BJ0909]

My therapist says she feels that in her gut it is OCD.

[Sno]

Sweetie, she may well be right, and I'm really happy that you've talked with your therapist about this.
From our chats here, I feel that your OCD and Aspergers combine in such a way that you are serially obsessive about just one thing.? If so, could this be a sign that your OCD is looking for it's next focus?

(Hugs)

Rowan

[BJ0909]

IDK somehow I just feel even more scared of being "told" I am transgender....even if my therapist says and feels in her gut I am not....like I end up being diagnosed or told I am transgender....

[Roll]

You can rest easy on that. No one, and I mean no one, can tell you that you are transgender. That's just not how it works, even medically. "Transgender" is not a diagnosis. Only the individual can decide for themselves if they are transgender.

I think what your therapist wants you to do is what several of us have said here: focus on your OCD. Regardless of everything else, that seems to be your overriding issue at the moment.