Feeling as If I am Transgender

[BJ0909]

You can rest easy on that. No one, and I mean no one, can tell you that you are transgender. That's just not how it works, even medically. "Transgender" is not a diagnosis. Only the individual can decide for themselves if they are transgender.

I think what your therapist wants you to do is what several of us have said here: focus on your OCD. Regardless of everything else, that seems to be your overriding issue at the moment.

I am sorry.

[Roll]

I am sorry.

Stop apologizing, you have nothing to be sorry about!! We just want you to get through this.

[Sno]

I am sorry.

Girl , you've done nothing, and said nothing that needs or warrants an apology - hopefully your therapist is talking with you about self esteem too

Rowan

[BJ0909]

I guess there is also this underlying fear of like "What if I end up saying I am transgender??" when as far as I know I have not felt any un-alignment with my body...and its like.....what if it was never OCD all along??? Thats why I feel like I am a medical experiment....trying all different kinds of meds and I know my family and therapist are there to help me....I guess I feel like before all of this started.....I was kind of getting a grip on my anxiety, etc. I know it would never be bad if I was trans but....I know I am different because of my Aspergers.....and before all of this I would feel bad self esteem about my chest size and two different sizes and I would get irritated about my irregular periods...and IDK if when I was in my teens had this HUGE desire to be a woman.....but I still as far as I remember didn't feel depressed during my puberty years......and then also if I end up figuring out I love this guy I know....I know I shouldn't let other people's opinions get to me but.....IDK if he would want to be with me or even love me again....

[Dena]

If you are transgender, normally you will feel uncomfortable with your body or your life. It also tends to cause depression and you are somewhat aware of what is causing the depression. I think for now you should concentrate on your OCD and not worry about being transgender. Once your OCD is under better control, I think you will know if you are transgender or if you aren't. Attack the largest issue first and when that is resolved, you will be able to see the lessor issues better.

[BJ0909]

If you are transgender, normally you will feel uncomfortable with your body or your life. It also tends to cause depression and you are somewhat aware of what is causing the depression. I think for now you should concentrate on your OCD and not worry about being transgender. Once your OCD is under better control, I think you will know if you are transgender or if you aren't. Attack the largest issue first and when that is resolved, you will be able to see the lessor issues better.

I hope I have not upset you Dena.

[BJ0909]

And then of course there is the scared idea of what if I end up having it under control but those thoughts and feelings are still there? I know in my life I havent not looked in the mirror and asked myself or told myself I wanted to be a guy....as far as I know it has not or did not cross my mind....

[Roll]

There is only one thing you can do, and that is cross that bridge when you come to it after addressing the current OCD thoughts. With OCD, we focus on the mights, the maybes, the ifs. They can consume us, and can paralyze us into not taking action. The truth is, those mights, maybes, and ifs are purely hypothetical, and you shouldn't dwell on something that is potentially pure fiction at the expense of the very real issue in front of you.

If your house is on fire, don't stop to consider what you'd do in the case of a meteor strike.

[Dena]

I hope I have not upset you Dena.

No you haven't upset me. Any issues I had were resolved over 35 years ago and the primary reason I am on this site is to help others with their problems. Mostly I deal with people who's problems are transgender related however I have help people who were CIS with problems that weren't transgender related. Discovering yourself is what this site is about even if you aren't transgender.

[BJ0909]

There is only one thing you can do, and that is cross that bridge when you come to it after addressing the current OCD thoughts. With OCD, we focus on the mights, the maybes, the ifs. They can consume us, and can paralyze us into not taking action. The truth is, those mights, maybes, and ifs are purely hypothetical, and you shouldn't dwell on something that is potentially pure fiction at the expense of the very real issue in front of you.

If your house is on fire, don't stop to consider what you'd do in the case of a meteor strike.

I know you are helping.....and I appreciate your kind words....I am just scared of ending up being transgender....and not in the sense of what public people think of me....but....knowing that its the truth about me and knowing if this person I talk about if I ended up knowing in my heart I have feelings for him......that he would not want to be with me...And just scared of seeing that truth of being trans...when as far as I know I have not felt bad about my life....that is what scares me......knowing if all of this real and truly 100% real....or if its all my OCD....and only truly that...

[BJ0909]

Course then I even wonder if all of this is me trying to figure out my feelings for this guy..

[BJ0909]

Maybe I am just crazy *hugs*

[The Flying Lemur]

Hey there, I wouldn't tell anyone that you're trans until or unless you've worked things out with a therapist.  While you work on that, I'd just let others assume that you're cis.  That way, you don't have to "come out" to anyone, and there's a reduced chance of rejection.  For all you know, you are cis, so it's not like it's a deception. 

Hoping all works out well with you!

[BJ0909]

Hey there, I wouldn't tell anyone that you're trans until or unless you've worked things out with a therapist.  While you work on that, I'd just let others assume that you're cis.  That way, you don't have to "come out" to anyone, and there's a reduced chance of rejection.  For all you know, you are cis, so it's not like it's a deception. 

Hoping all works out well with you!

At this point I just feel confused and scared. My therapist and doctor say and have gut feelings that is OCD. And what scares me if I end up controlling my OCD and the thoughts and feelings are still there.....its like when saying I love you to my parents.....I still get that feeling of "Do I love them?" And it just scares me in like I end up saying or figuring out "Oh I am trans....etc." even if as far as I know I have not felt that way...and it is OCD all along.

[BJ0909]

Hey there, I wouldn't tell anyone that you're trans until or unless you've worked things out with a therapist.  While you work on that, I'd just let others assume that you're cis.  That way, you don't have to "come out" to anyone, and there's a reduced chance of rejection.  For all you know, you are cis, so it's not like it's a deception. 

Hoping all works out well with you!

And a lot of people are giving me advice to work on my OCD first.

[Sno]

At this point I just feel confused and scared. My therapist and doctor say and have gut feelings that is OCD. And what scares me if I end up controlling my OCD and the thoughts and feelings are still there.....its like when saying I love you to my parents.....I still get that feeling of "Do I love them?" And it just scares me in like I end up saying or figuring out "Oh I am trans....etc." even if as far as I know I have not felt that way...and it is OCD all along.

Working with your therapist, you will be able to work out if it's ocd or not - and if not, you're already talking with someone who knows you well! Remember being trans does not equate to transition, it does not mean that you have to change anything, if you don't want to. It does not mean that things happen quickly, but at the pace that you are comfortable with. It does not mean surgery, unless you need it either. It can be as much, or as little as you need to be able to get on. That's not so scary really, and that's the tape I'm running at the moment to help me get through.

Rowan.

[BJ0909]

Working with your therapist, you will be able to work out if it's ocd or not - and if not, you're already talking with someone who knows you well! Remember being trans does not equate to transition, it does not mean that you have to change anything, if you don't want to. It does not mean that things happen quickly, but at the pace that you are comfortable with. It does not mean surgery, unless you need it either. It can be as much, or as little as you need to be able to get on. That's not so scary really, and that's the tape I'm running at the moment to help me get through.

Rowan.

My therapist told me yesterday she does not get the vibe I am transgender and she feels it in her gut that I am not....because I have gone to her for other problems I have been having such as my thoughts and feelings of not loving my parents, etc. And even after with work etc., I do still feel those feelings a little...

[BJ0909]

Maybe I am just crazy at this point lol

[Sno]

Questioning, yes, crazy, no

(Hugs)

Rowan

[BJ0909]

All I want to know is who I am....these last few months all I have been dealing with are thoughts and feelings of not loving this guy I know in my life.....thoughts and feelings of not loving my parents....thoughts and feelings of being a violent person....thoughts and feelings of being gay or bi....and now thoughts and feelings of being transgender....and its just all frustrating.....I felt as if I knew who I was......and IDK I never really thought about gender growing up.....I just lived as a girl...just the same with sex and marriage.....I dont think about them much so its like, "Do I want those things?" And it just sucks because if I end up figuring out I love this guy.....*hugs* he and I wouldnt be able to be together...