EDIT: I appreciate this might appear as bragging, "Look how far I am without HRT!" - but you should know, I've only been "madam"-ed once, "sir"-ed hundreds of times, my voice still sucks, and did I mention I'm 6'2?? <------ which my GOD, matters, and don't say it doesn't. So I promise I'm not one of the "lucky" trans girls.
MAIN POST: Hey everyone! I have to apologise if I ramble, it's difficult to get all this out, but hopefully it will help others or be interesting.
So. Gosh. When I think of the last three months, at times it feels like a dream. I read a book that unlocked the feelings I'd always felt, and overnight, decided to transition. When I got the opportunity to start, of course, I found it more complicated than I had imagined. Re-learning the way I move, the way I interact with others, damn it the way I think. One point in my favour is that I've got on with it: I'm out to everyone, I've found my name and I'm living full-time. But in some sense, it's just not working.
I'm 23, pre-HRT and 6'2", which, I mean, could be worse, but. I'm in the UK, so "pre-HRT" is kinda the state of operation for the time being. I kind of think of it as being "without anaesthetic", because, damn it, being trans hurts. I still fetish-ise myself as trans, and in deciding my level of make-up/clothing, I'm walking a constant tight-rope between between being perceived as a guy (urgh! "Sir" puts me out of action for the day); and being perceived as a trans-something - which means the odd "miss/madam", which happened the first time the other day and was incredible, yes! - but also means literally physical danger, on top of the bloody stares.
If I get misgendered, or something else rubbish and disaffirming happens, I lose my good-feeling-I'm-pretty motivation, I don't touch up my make-up and I look more and more masculine as the day wears on. It makes me question whether I'm living full-time at all - how can I be living as a girl, when I'm afraid to use the ladies' bathroom, when I don't correct the "mate"ing and "sir"ing, when I don't make the maximal effort to present myself female?
Not paying attention to my make-up due to lack of motivation, I end up just looking like a guy, getting misgendered more, and retreating back to my flat to avoid being seen by people. Then on the way back, dysphoria building, every cis girl I walk past, hearing her speak, every conversation between two girls that I hear on the tube....just reminds me of how far I have to go.
And then the doubt creeps in. "Is this really right? Wouldn't you just be happy living as a feminine boy? You are 6'2, you know. Even if you end up passing as female, people will still stare at you because a giantess, and will things be any better?" And I think, yes, surely they will, because I'll be a girl, inarguably, and I won't keep dragging back to male-ness....
And some of the time, I am able to think of myself as female, as a girl in this body, looking in the mirror...but then I forget. I wake up feeling like a boy, feeling a bit gross, not knowing why.......and then I remember. No wonder my mum blames my trans-ness for ruining my life.
I guess I set myself the task of transitioning, socially and mentally, without HRT - "without anaesthetic" - in case they don't prescribe it to me, and to make the next six months bearable anyway. I'm so hoping that HRT will change my whole way of thinking and remove those "male" thoughts I have, but at the same time I don't quite believe I'll ever get on HRT at all. And it's tough. A lot of the time, I forget I'm Jenny and just think I'm Joe. At other times, Joe is so dead it's not even real. If anyone has any comments, advice, experiences to share.....very much appreciated!!
J x
