EDIT: I appreciate this might appear as bragging, "Look how far I am without HRT!" - but you should know, I've only been "madam"-ed once, "sir"-ed hundreds of times, my voice still sucks, and did I mention I'm 6'2?? <------ which my GOD, matters, and don't say it doesn't. So I promise I'm not one of the "lucky" trans girls.

MAIN POST: Hey everyone! I have to apologise if I ramble, it's difficult to get all this out, but hopefully it will help others or be interesting.

So. Gosh. When I think of the last three months, at times it feels like a dream. I read a book that unlocked the feelings I'd always felt, and overnight, decided to transition. When I got the opportunity to start, of course, I found it more complicated than I had imagined. Re-learning the way I move, the way I interact with others, damn it the way I think. One point in my favour is that I've got on with it: I'm out to everyone, I've found my name and I'm living full-time. But in some sense, it's just not working.

I'm 23, pre-HRT and 6'2", which, I mean, could be worse, but. I'm in the UK, so "pre-HRT" is kinda the state of operation for the time being. I kind of think of it as being "without anaesthetic", because, damn it, being trans hurts. I still fetish-ise myself as trans, and in deciding my level of make-up/clothing, I'm walking a constant tight-rope between between being perceived as a guy (urgh! "Sir" puts me out of action for the day); and being perceived as a trans-something - which means the odd "miss/madam", which happened the first time the other day and was incredible, yes! - but also means literally physical danger, on top of the bloody stares.

If I get misgendered, or something else rubbish and disaffirming happens, I lose my good-feeling-I'm-pretty motivation, I don't touch up my make-up and I look more and more masculine as the day wears on. It makes me question whether I'm living full-time at all - how can I be living as a girl, when I'm afraid to use the ladies' bathroom, when I don't correct the "mate"ing and "sir"ing, when I don't make the maximal effort to present myself female?

Not paying attention to my make-up due to lack of motivation, I end up just looking like a guy, getting misgendered more, and retreating back to my flat to avoid being seen by people. Then on the way back, dysphoria building, every cis girl I walk past, hearing her speak, every conversation between two girls that I hear on the tube....just reminds me of how far I have to go.

And then the doubt creeps in. "Is this really right? Wouldn't you just be happy living as a feminine boy? You are 6'2, you know. Even if you end up passing as female, people will still stare at you because a giantess, and will things be any better?" And I think, yes, surely they will, because I'll be a girl, inarguably, and I won't keep dragging back to male-ness....

And some of the time, I am able to think of myself as female, as a girl in this body, looking in the mirror...but then I forget. I wake up feeling like a boy, feeling a bit gross, not knowing why.......and then I remember. No wonder my mum blames my trans-ness for ruining my life.

I guess I set myself the task of transitioning, socially and mentally, without HRT - "without anaesthetic" - in case they don't prescribe it to me, and to make the next six months bearable anyway. I'm so hoping that HRT will change my whole way of thinking and remove those "male" thoughts I have, but at the same time I don't quite believe I'll ever get on HRT at all. And it's tough. A lot of the time, I forget I'm Jenny and just think I'm Joe. At other times, Joe is so dead it's not even real. If anyone has any comments, advice, experiences to share.....very much appreciated!!

J x

While I was able to start HRT before I went full time, it changed so little that I might as well have gone full time without HRT. After I was full time for about a year and a half, I realized there wasn't any way I would return to my old life. To make that comparison you need months or even a year in you new role so you have the experience to make a proper judgement. Modern HRT should help and it's sad that you have to wait so long to start it but I think that life can only get better for you the longer you work at it.

If you are driven to transition, well, in many cases it just doesn't give you a choice does it? Your  brain is a female brain. There is that awkward beginning time to get through, and it really does suck. A single comment can really bring you down. Just remember that negativity only makes things worse. Be as positive as you can be, realize you will present better as you go. Work on what you can. Your personality can overcome a lot of negativity from those closer to you. I know, easy to say, hard to do, but you can do this. Living authentically is the reward and it is awesome.
Moni

Quote from: HappyMoni on November 01, 2017, 04:23:16 AMYour  brain is a female brain.

LOL Very quaint post Jenny, logical and precise not bragging at all couldn't tell your from the UK for a sec there thought I'd need a translator!! 'National Health Service' eh(?) they're trying to 'socialize' medicine here just CANCELLED my work bennies for next year it's definitely saving them more than me!!!

Wanna be grateful?  How 'bout a salary raise!!  You Brit's have a 'PM' I'm confident our 'PD' Trump (Prime Dictator according to neo-liberals here) will ensure Obummer-Care implodes over the next three months!! Can't afford my own transition (actually not entirely true  ) 'cause too busy financing EVERYBODY ELSE!!

Nothing wrong with being tall normal - am 6'0 and, as far as I'm concerned anyway, tall women definitely get noticed more and wouldn't have it any other way. My therapist views HRT as a 'diagnostic tool' wasn't upset at all when I first came to her "under the influence" in fact makes everything since easier . . .

I know quite a bit about "living as a feminine boy"? Hell, depending on your definitions, are there really any truly "feminine girls" left as well???

Cheers!

Hello, Jenny.

I changed from boy to girl in a day ( Never having cross dressed ) I looked like a boy but that was not important. I just had to try. it was the hardest thing I have ever done but I am still alive and enjoying life as the real me. Some people can transition without HRT but some can not. I needed it. I was 47 when I started and now I'm 52 so you have youth on your side and the world seems to be opening up for us all. I'm 5' 11".
You have to be completely open with the people in your life but don't let anyone tell you who you are. I had known that I was a girl from about aged 5 and I had lived the lie for too long. I had to change or die. One important lesson is, never compere one's self with CIS women.
The NHS is there for you. Go to your doctor and tell them how you feel. The rest will take care of itself but it will be a long wait for treatment. Everything is free but you have to be 100% sure you are happy to start.
I still get mis-gendered but I'm a very butch lesbian biker and I simply don't give a f**k about how others see me. That is the key to happiness and it's a life saver.

Paula, X.

Thanks for the replies girls!...

Dena, what you say makes a lot of sense to me. It seems that living as a woman is something that takes a lot of practice, in terms of presenting myself that way and filling that role, and that the subtle changes that HRT will give me in my mental state and my appearance, will help, but aren't the be all and end all.

Kiera: Thanks for your response. British doesn't necessarily mean quaint! This forum, like a lot of English-language forums, seems to be pretty American-dominated (to the point where someone is assumed to be American unless they explicitly state otherwise) so no harm in letting us minorities be heard! =P

Paula: "I looked like a boy but that was not important" resonated with me. That's a bit like how I've been feeling recently. It's heartbreaking that you lived all those years knowing, I will never understand what you and others similar went through. I think never comparing ourselves with cis is a good idea! You're an inspiration.

Lots of love xx