Thanks, Mariah. I appreciate your advice very much! I'm just so scared. I know there's not another in this world like him, for me anyway, he was my perfect.
I've tried to explain to him that it's kind of like a period of mourning- it's like he died and I don't want to be told I can't feel a certain way about not having him anymore. And to be told "I'm still here, I'm the same person, nothing will change"... well... we all know that's not the truth. Everything changed. Everything.
I think the most significant change is intimacy. Things don't work like they used to. It's frustrating.
I know my role as a heterosexual female. I don't know my role as a lesbian. It's not something I ever considered doing (he knows that about me, I've never hidden the fact that I am a very straight female) it's not something I have ever desired, again, this is not something I kept hidden.
I don't care what other people do- to each their own, but for me, I know what I am attracted to and I never ever EVER lied about it. Now he talks about 1x, just 1x, having a sexual encounter with another MTF person because the idea of a woman with a penis turns him on. That's what he's always desired- ummmm - that's not fair. If that's what you have always desired then why be with a clearly heterosexual woman to begin with?
I know that 1x is just so he can get his feet wet in that community but hang on to me just in case it's not what he really expected or in case he's not accepted like he wishes to be. I know this.
There's no doubt about it, so why do I continue to hold on? How in the hell do you just stop loving someone and walk away, just like that, like it never happened?
Ugh! I'm so scared and confused!
I don't want to be chastised for my honest feelings- they're valid- I can't help them- they are what they are- I just need a place to talk about them and it can't be at work or with my young daughter. I just need to be able to vent and get these things off my chest before I lose my mind.
Has anyone else gone through this? How did you make it out alive and sane?