Scared.

[Broken promises]

Thank you for checking in on me!  I hope you're doing as well as can be expected- It is hard. 

My mind is all over the place, my thoughts uncollected, my emotions definitely not in check.  I'm very confused although I'm not one bit confused about transgender- as odd as that sounds- I've done so much research on it so that I could be prepared and be supportive.

I was prepared for the dysphoria, the 2nd puberty, etc.  what I wasn't prepared for was no dysphoria- never- not one bit.  I wasn't prepared for dressing like birth gender until certain people are around (and I'm not) and hiding the other clothes from me or waiting until I left to "dress for other people". 

I wasn't prepared for the live porn sites and only getting on them when I'm not around.  I wasn't prepared for any of this because I was told "nothing would change, he would still be the same person" but everything did change.  It's not lining up. 

I have educated myself, as much as I possibly can, but nothing about being transgender has surfaced.  It really seems to be more about "promiscuity and becoming a sexual flirtatious woman" than it does about being transgender and finding oneself.  It seems more about growing breasts and being desired than anything. 

So yeah, I'm confused.  I realize that most people want to categorize the SO as "needing to understand " or needing to keep an open mind but I caution everyone not to put each person in a "bucket".  I won't fit in any of those buckets.  I get it and I love him so much that I want him to be happy and feel free of the chains and mentalBlock and whatever else is holding him back.  I want him to be truly happy even if that means we aren't together, but he needs someone that knows him to be there when the going gets tough and things don't make sense, and that loves him unconditionally. 

What most people aren't understanding is that I'm being left out of major decisions.  I'm being left in the dark about everything even though I am the person that finally made him feel loved enough and supported enough to finally come out.  He's him until I'm gone for the day and then he is she depending on who will be there that night.  I'm not told about appointments or what happened at appointments or what to expect at the next one, even though I ask, even though I am involved, even though " I am the best thing that's ever happened to him" - his words, not mine.

It doesn't make sense.  None of this makes sense and I am not only confused but alone and in the dark.  We should be going through this together but instead I go through it alone and can't talk to him because he'll say then "don't be with me" which is a very selfish response.  So when I say he's selfish- guess what- he's selfish! 

I'm not directing this at anyone in particular.  These are my thoughts.  This is what I am left to sort out in my head each and every day.  I know there have to be other SOs that feel a similar way- left out, confused, scared without anyone to talk to because no one understands. And on the flip side there may be transgender individuals who don't realize they're doing this to their SO and maybe the can gain some insight from my situation to better theirs.  Either way it's a win if someone is helped even if that someone isn't me.

I really appreciate you checking in on me, like more than you know.  I have tried to keep a smile on my face and act like everything is great- outwardly- but inside I'm a mess.  As you can see I'm left to my own devices to make sense of it in my head- I'm obviously failing- maybe all of this is normal behavior- maybe it's not, but how will I know if I don't put it out there?   I just want to say again that I appreciate you ❤️

[LizK]

Hi BP

In the face of what you have just described I think you are doing an astounding job of hanging in there.  I have been married for a long time and one of the things that became clear to me immediately was that complete honesty with my wife was paramount. The behaviour you describe would worry me and I understand your point of having done a lot of research.

I realize that most people want to categorize the SO as "needing to understand " or needing to keep an open mind but I caution everyone not to put each person in a "bucket".  I won't fit in any of those buckets.  I get it and I love him so much that I want him to be happy and feel free of the chains and mentalBlock and whatever else is holding him back.  I want him to be truly happy even if that means we aren't together, but he needs someone that knows him to be there when the going gets tough and things don't make sense, and that loves him unconditionally. 

I think you understand plenty and are being incredibly generous and caring with your partner. Maybe a reality check is needed so you are not left feeling the way you are. Both of you are going through this not just your partner on their own and they need to recognise the incredible support part you play along with the fact you love him and he is hurting you. I hope you are able to sort this out as you clearly love your partner greatly.

Take care
Liz

[Faith]

Thank you for checking in on me!  I hope you're doing as well as can be expected- It is hard. 

My mind is all over the place, my thoughts uncollected, my emotions definitely not in check.  I'm very confused although I'm not one bit confused about transgender- as odd as that sounds- I've done so much research on it so that I could be prepared and be supportive.

I was prepared for the dysphoria, the 2nd puberty, etc.  what I wasn't prepared for was no dysphoria- never- not one bit.  I wasn't prepared for dressing like birth gender until certain people are around (and I'm not) and hiding the other clothes from me or waiting until I left to "dress for other people". 

I wasn't prepared for the live porn sites and only getting on them when I'm not around.  I wasn't prepared for any of this because I was told "nothing would change, he would still be the same person" but everything did change.  It's not lining up. 

I have educated myself, as much as I possibly can, but nothing about being transgender has surfaced.  It really seems to be more about "promiscuity and becoming a sexual flirtatious woman" than it does about being transgender and finding oneself.  It seems more about growing breasts and being desired than anything. 

So yeah, I'm confused.  I realize that most people want to categorize the SO as "needing to understand " or needing to keep an open mind but I caution everyone not to put each person in a "bucket".  I won't fit in any of those buckets.  I get it and I love him so much that I want him to be happy and feel free of the chains and mentalBlock and whatever else is holding him back.  I want him to be truly happy even if that means we aren't together, but he needs someone that knows him to be there when the going gets tough and things don't make sense, and that loves him unconditionally. 

What most people aren't understanding is that I'm being left out of major decisions.  I'm being left in the dark about everything even though I am the person that finally made him feel loved enough and supported enough to finally come out.  He's him until I'm gone for the day and then he is she depending on who will be there that night.  I'm not told about appointments or what happened at appointments or what to expect at the next one, even though I ask, even though I am involved, even though " I am the best thing that's ever happened to him" - his words, not mine.

It doesn't make sense.  None of this makes sense and I am not only confused but alone and in the dark.  We should be going through this together but instead I go through it alone and can't talk to him because he'll say then "don't be with me" which is a very selfish response.  So when I say he's selfish- guess what- he's selfish! 

I'm not directing this at anyone in particular.  These are my thoughts.  This is what I am left to sort out in my head each and every day.  I know there have to be other SOs that feel a similar way- left out, confused, scared without anyone to talk to because no one understands. And on the flip side there may be transgender individuals who don't realize they're doing this to their SO and maybe the can gain some insight from my situation to better theirs.  Either way it's a win if someone is helped even if that someone isn't me.

I really appreciate you checking in on me, like more than you know.  I have tried to keep a smile on my face and act like everything is great- outwardly- but inside I'm a mess.  As you can see I'm left to my own devices to make sense of it in my head- I'm obviously failing- maybe all of this is normal behavior- maybe it's not, but how will I know if I don't put it out there?   I just want to say again that I appreciate you ❤️

I hate quoting entire long posts but there is nothing in yours to shorten. I find the behavior that you're describing as abhorrent. I don't care about sex, gender, hormones, or any other excuse thrown in. No one should treat you the way you're being treated. I hope she wakes up and realizes how good things are and starts making amends. I speak from experience.  I used to be similar, sad to say, then one day I looked in the mirror and saw who I was. I am working towards being a better person now while at the same time coming to grips with my own girl inside.

Hang in there and remember, there are people here willing to help you.

[Sylvia]

OH BP, I really feel for you. I seem to come across this quite a lot. The transitioning partner thinking their spouse is being wonderful and supportive, when inside we are IN PIECES. Telling them we want them to be happy and will support them in their journey, while hiding the utter mental turmoil we are going through. I do think a lot of partners just don't get it, or don't see it.

I don't think your partner is behaving well in this, and you are being amazing. It's great that you have educated yourself so much about about dysphoria and gender issues - as I have too. I think I know more than he does! But as others have said, the key to keeping a relationship as intact as it can be is COMMUNICATION and SHARING.

I hope for both your sakes, he opens his eyes and sees how much damage he is causing you and your relationship, which will ultimately be damage to him/herself. If he/she loves you and wants you to stay, things have to change.

Keep posting, you have my support.

[Paige33455]

BP, the detail added in your last post alters the context of your situation at least for me. The changes you've described in you're fiance's sexual interests may or may not be commonplace in the transgender community...... I'm not qualified to comment on that and won't presume to place a moral judgement on such behavior. Whether that change is permanent or just a (passing?) phase is hard to know with certainty and it's doubtful your fiancé knows at this point in her transition. But if she proceeds with her transition it is certain the guy you fell in love with will be replaced by a woman. How do you truly feel about that for a start? 

If you could make the transgender part of the equation disappear you'd still be left with lies, deceit, self absorption and other behavior that most would NEVER consider acceptable in a friend let alone a potential life mate.  Now add to that the prospect of living your life married to another woman and all that implies

Coming to terms with transgender conflict and related dysphoria per se is one thing but this seems to be more about the character (or lack thereof) of the person you fell in love with.  My advice is listen to your gut.....you've made it crystal clear this behavior seriously crosses the line for you as it surely would with all loving, caring and considerate human beings.  You are entitled to establish your own boundaries and limitations and decide if and when you're willing to compromise them in any way. Taking a hard line on compromise in these fundamentals in no way diminishes your character, compassion or humanity.

I cannot magine how hard this is for you and your daughter but you surely know the higher price you'll pay later if you listen to your heart rather than your instincts.

May God grant you the strength to accept things you can't change, to change the things you can and the wisdom to know the difference.

   

[Gertrude]

BP, the detail added in your last post alters the context of your situation at least for me. The changes you've described in you're fiance's sexual interests may or may not be commonplace in the transgender community...... I'm not qualified to comment on that and won't presume to place a moral judgement on such behavior. Whether that change is permanent or just a (passing?) phase is hard to know with certainty and it's doubtful your fiancé knows at this point in her transition. But if she proceeds with her transition it is certain the guy you fell in love with will be replaced by a woman. How do you truly feel about that for a start? 

If you could make the transgender part of the equation disappear you'd still be left with lies, deceit, self absorption and other behavior that most would NEVER consider acceptable in a friend let alone a potential life mate.  Now add to that the prospect of living your life married to another woman and all that implies

Coming to terms with transgender conflict and related dysphoria per se is one thing but this seems to be more about the character (or lack thereof) of the person you fell in love with.  My advice is listen to your gut.....you've made it crystal clear this behavior seriously crosses the line for you as it surely would with all loving, caring and considerate human beings.  You are entitled to establish your own boundaries and limitations and decide if and when you're willing to compromise them in any way. Taking a hard line on compromise in these fundamentals in no way diminishes your character, compassion or humanity.

I cannot magine how hard this is for you and your daughter but you surely know the higher price you'll pay later if you listen to your heart rather than your instincts.

May God grant you the strength to accept things you can't change, to change the things you can and the wisdom to know the difference.

I don't think one can separate the two. Had he not been transgender, this wouldn't have happened. I would bet a lot of trans people are dishonest about it because of the consequences. We learn from a young age to hide who we are and that's a form of dishonesty. The shame from all this can lead to secretive behavior, which feeds the shame. I don't this person, but they'd probably benefit from therapy. The other thing not mentioned here is we are hearing only one side. There's three sides: his side, her side and the truth.


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[Dianne H]

Whether a person is straight, gay, transgender or cisgender, perversion is perversion and lies are lies.
Some of what she describes doesn't fit being transgender, but just plain sexually perverted, regardless of sexual orientation or identification.

He may have his side as well, but if this part is true, it's going to be a one sided love at best. That seldom lasts.

Making excuses for such behavior isn't one bit helpful.

[Gertrude]

I'm not making excuses, just laying down some facts. I don't know about sexual perversions, maybe I missed it, but I'd bet all of us have lied about ourselves at one time or another because we are trans and more importantly, we're hearing just one side. Like I said, there are three sides to every story.


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[Mariah]

 
Maybe that is true, but please remember that this is the SO section and respect our need to vent and share our side of the story even if that means it lacks our trans spouse's side of the story. 

This section is here to serve us SO's and many other sections are devoted to the trans side of the story and supporting those needs where as this section is devoted to supporting us SO's and our needs.

[Devlyn]

Please remember, this is the board description for the Significant Others section:

A place for support of the family (parents, siblings and/or children) and intimate partners of trans* people. Please respect that this is an area for SO (Significant Others) only.

These are the guidelines for posting in this section:

This forum is primarily intended as a place Significant others can go to in order to seek support from each other. While I do not block the posting by the transgendered I would ask that as much as possible you respect this as a separate area for them. If they have a question and you can answer it in a neutral manner feel free to respond. This is a place for facts and good information and not for advocacy.

Hugs, Devlyn

[Gertrude]

If he's into porn, he needs more help than just being trans


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[Cindy]

 

This has been said by two other staff members and I shall repeat for the final time.

This section is for SO's. Helpful discussion for SO's is welcome. Judgmental comments from non-SO's are not.
I do and shall give wide leniency to SO's, other members will follow the ToS and any bashing, insults or argumentative comment will be dealt with.

I do not see how name calling or suggesting someone has deviant behaviour is in the least supportive for an SO while discussing their partner. It is up for the SO to make their judgement not for you. 

I have removed some posts. If there is any repeat I shall be removing more than posts.

Cindy

[gallinarosa]

BP,

I tried rereading to answer this question, but, have you stood up for yourself to your spouse and stated how you feel and demanded some level of consideration.

I know it is important to my husband (who still uses male pronouns) to be close. When I felt like he was hiding things from me, our therapist told me to tell him that it creates distance between us and as he realized that, it helped him stop. Part of it was just even recognizing that he was doing it. The therapist blamed THAT on internalized transphobia.

We've come a long way since addressing this in our relationship. I know others have mentioned this already, but if you are having that much trouble communicating, a therapist can be invaluable. If your spouse doesn't want to go, go by yourself first and gradually insist on going together.

This is going to be overwhelming even in the best case scenario, but if you throw lots of complications into it and try to deal with them all at the same time, it will be even worse!

Take it one step at a time, and find someone to help you do that if you can.

Best of luck!

[gallinarosa]

Also, thank you moderators for keeping this space more welcoming to SOs.

[Mariah]

We are always glad to help and as SO I know how important it is that we get share we are going through as a result of their transitions while being able to safe doing so.

Hugs
Mariah

Also, thank you moderators for keeping this space more welcoming to SOs.

[Cora]

BP, your comment "He says I'm the best thing that has ever happened to him" really stuck out to me---this is something my spouse says as well. I don't really feel like I'm the best thing that ever happened him. I just feel like a footnote.

I'm not sure what else to say. There seems to be a lot going on with your partner. Please remember to take care of yourself. *hugs*

[Broken promises]

Just a little update- I found out he's on a transgender dating site.  I found out he's been using live stream chaturbate. I heard actual audio recording of the chaturbate with him making lewd comments and noises involving another person's penis (not the actual word that was used)- requesting that person to be inside him.

Ugh! I was so disgusted that I couldn't look him in the face (but no, I did not admit that I knew these things).  He noticed my change in demeanor and said stop acting so secretive and weird and if you don't want to be with me there are lots of other people that do. 

That was enough for me to hear. 

[Charlie Nicki]

Just a little update- I found out he's on a transgender dating site.  I found out he's been using live stream chaturbate. I heard actual audio recording of the chaturbate with him making lewd comments and noises involving another person's penis (not the actual word that was used)- requesting that person to be inside him. Ugh! I was so disgusted that I couldn't look him in the face (but no, I did not admit that I knew these things).  He noticed my change in demeanor and said stop acting so secretive and weird and if you don't want to be with me there are lots of other people that do.  That was enough for me to hear.

Wow. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I consider that cheating and I know how hurtful it can be. I think that even if you want to leave your partner, you guys deserve to have this conversation, and ask about those things you found. Maybe you can work things out. If not, at least you know where you stand and what your partners expectations and intentions are.


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[Saha]

BP, I am so sorry it turned out this way.

Therapy, can't recommend it enough!

[LizK]

Just a little update- I found out he's on a transgender dating site.  I found out he's been using live stream chaturbate. I heard actual audio recording of the chaturbate with him making lewd comments and noises involving another person's penis (not the actual word that was used)- requesting that person to be inside him.

Ugh! I was so disgusted that I couldn't look him in the face (but no, I did not admit that I knew these things).  He noticed my change in demeanor and said stop acting so secretive and weird and if you don't want to be with me there are lots of other people that do. 

That was enough for me to hear.

I think you are doing remarkably well considering everything you have shared with us. I see a suggestion of therapy has been made by Cora and hopefully this may help but only if your partner is prepared to be honest. I don't see going behind your back and using a site such as you describe is even remotely thinking about you and your needs which seem to have been entirely overlooked in this situation.

I hope you can find a way through this but I do think you need his co-operation if it is to be a positive outcome for you both.