Tipping point (moved from another area) CW, May contain triggers.

[Sno]

So this week has been eventful, in some ways, and not so, in others. On one hand it was an opportunity to see my therapist, on the other, it was a reminder that my anxiety issues had reached a point of crisis, and I need additional help to get me through the night.

After coming out last session, my expectations were uncertainty and possible referral to a psychiatrist, as sadly my body is bearing the brunt of my anxiety, in the form of self harm - which we had discussed.

Since then Dr Google has helped ramp everything up to 11, as the focus of my injuries (my genitals), is 'uncommon' in those amab unless accompanied by psychosis, or dysphoria (well, there's a surprise). My fears are (in no particular order), the mental health act and /or a diagnosis as the treatment pathway is supported transition.

Now that sounds ok, if transition was a part of my plan - but at present, it's not on the radar, having no plans whatsoever around coming out (let alone transition) with my misogynistic, homophobic, racist and transphobic parents who have just returned home after an extended vacation with us (and having made their views very, very clear whilst with us) - or my extended social network.

It's feeling like a tipping point, where control becomes this elusive dream, and the world crashes and burns around me to create a new reality and every bone in my body screams 'run away'.

What was your tipping point, for transition.?

Rowan

[Toni]

Rowan, so sorry to hear of your issues, sounds like you're not getting much of the help you need.  I don't know how old you are, but transition, if that's what you truly need, can come early or very late, our life stories are all so different.  It seems to me , from what you've said, that your therapist isn't doing it for you, and those closest to you are not likely to be of much help either.  There has to be some sort of community based crisis intervention resource that you can take advantage of when you need it, as often as you need it.  Even if your folks can't get on board when you discuss GD or transition, they have to be able to see that you need some more help and care enough to find a way to get it.  If they won't, are there any other relatives that you are close to?  Some other adult with knowledge and connections to get you to a place where you can get this out?  This site is certainly full of people that have fought their mental battles and understand how difficult this is, but while we can lend an ear and make small suggestions, I think you need more than that. 
     To answer your question, I didn't really have a tipping point that I was aware of.  My body started changing on it's own and that started me thinking about all the possibilities and embracing the prospect of becoming a different me.  As I came out to people close to me and they accepted me in spite of my difficulties, that essentially gave me the green light.  It took me over 60 years to get here, so it's never too late, unless you're dead.  Keep looking for a sympathetic ear close to you and just because things seem very difficult at the moment, it may just be that the time isn't quite right for you yet.  If you can't do what you want, do what you can.  There's always something that can be done, even if it's to read and study and learn as much as you can about our "condition".  Hope you have a good weekend.  Toni

[Dena]

A tipping point isn't always a specific thing. In my case, I had no idea when I woke up in the morning that it was going to be the days that my life changed. It was like a dam that held for many years but burst under a strain no worst that what had existed all along. It's a point that should be avoided at all cost because when it happens, you lose all ability to  resist the flood of depression that hits. At that point I realized life wasn't worth living if I continued the way I had and I decided the only other options was to seek treatment. Years latter I know I made the right decision but for a long time it was difficult keeping my head above water because I almost waited to long.

[Bari Jo]

Yes, Rowan, i agree.  Many of us have had those tipping points, where its that moment that we accept ourselves and embrace transition.  I think its analogous to an alcoholic hitting rock bottom before getting treatment.  Ill tell you mine.  Many times in my life GD has hit me so hard that i would have to purge male underwear and diy hormones to feel normal again.  It was during one of these crisis moments that coworkers and myself included were passing around picts from college during a business trip.  One guy in our group saw mine abd said it wasnt me, its a girl.  That pushed me over the edge.  I couldnt leave my hotel room for two days, and when i did, i had plucked out my entire beard.  It was then that i decided it was time, my turning point had come.

I still get the fear, doubt, etc, but its more manageable.  Ive turned tuat corner.

Bari Jo

[Sno]

Thanks for sharing your stories, it felt like it's too big a deal for it not to be a common experience, and please keep them coming in.

My therapy at the moment is crisis therapy, and it's an attempt to manage the anxiety/panic attacks that I'm having, as a result of other issues -the self harm has been a long term chronic issue, and the shame/ depression that generally accompanies it.

My therapist is already talking about next steps, following on from these sessions, and I will be needing them - I'm overwhelmed.

My folks, are my folks... I love them dearly, but, it's a very toxic stew - my therapist thinks dad is on the autistic spectrum. Mum and I have been very codependent for a very long time, and I have a very poorly defined sense of self as a consequence of that and her chronic alcohol problem. I've been hiding most of this mess for nearly 50 years, this time, I'm unable to get my world back together - old tricks just simply aren't working anymore, and the unknown is debilitating it feels like it's all spiraling out of control.

Rowan

[Kylo]

I'm not sure I had a tipping point at all. One of my favorite pastimes is evaluating my life, so the moment I heard transition was possible, my brain already knew what was weighed against what and there was just my relationship to consider versus my transition. The decision was already made because far as I've always been concerned, I would rather live in difficulty than a lie. I've always been trying to find the authentic self. I guess that comes before everything else.

The point at which I made the official decision wasn't too long after that, but it was always a foregone conclusion. I'm just grateful I heard about it while I happened to live somewhere that allowed it and made it affordable. To hear about it, figure out what was wrong with myself and then not be able to act would be awful.

I'd do it even if I lost every friend and family member I have. I've lived fairly independently and people have proven to be fickle or abusive in the past so why would I put them before me? I can make new friends after, or just look after myself, and I don't need my family. It would be nice to have them around but they're not exactly close.

The decision was probably easy for me to make because I don't depend or have dependents, and I've never been too bothered "what people think". I barely exist to most people, I will not be missed... and the flip side of that is that I can do whatever I like. If I did have kids or close family etc. or some sort of status that would be tricky, then this decision would definitely be more complex terrain and would have a tipping point.

It was easy for me, but I pay for that ease in other ways by being mostly alone and unsupported.