I guess it's impossible to keep friends you had before transition

[Julia1996]

Hi everyone. I had an awful experience yesterday with 2 of my friends. I went shopping with 2 of my friends at the mall. I've known them both since before I transitioned.  They've both been totally supportive and helpful through all of it. I guess I should have known it wouldn't last. My one friend beth, has acted a little weird towards me the last couple of times we hung out. I figured she was being moody or whatever. So we stopped at the food court and we were sitting at a table. These 2 guys were leaving and when they passed our table one of them stopped and told me I was very pretty and that he loved my skin color. He told me he hoped I was having a good day. Beth said " my day is going good too. Thanks for asking"! After he left she was staring daggers at me. I asked her what was wrong and she just said it was nothing. Then we all started talking about other stuff. Then my other friend started talking about how expensive her car insurance was. I told her mine was too. Then Beth said " what would you know about it Julia?" I asked her what she meant and she just went off on me! She said " you don't pay for your car insurance Julia so what do you care how expensive it is? Your dad pays ALL your bills! You don't even pay your own phone bill! Don't even try to deny it. I've known you for years, your dad does everything for you but wipe your ass." I reminded her that I do work and she said I only work part time and that I don't have to do that if I don't want to. She said I was just a spoiled daddy's girl. Then she said " well, daddy's BOY actually."  I totally couldn't believe she said that to me! I started to just leave but she told me she wasn't finished yet. I asked her why she was saying that stuff to me. She told me she was sick of me. She said " you have a gorgeous boyfriend and guys always give you all the attention. That's totally not fair Julia. You're not even really a girl. It's not right." My other friend hadn't said a word during all that. When I looked at her she said " well it's all kind of true Julia." 

I just left. I had really believed they were both real friends. I guess they only wanted to be my friend when they thought I was an androgynous gay boy. I guess I crossed some line by transitioning to female. I just can't believe they feel that way about me. The whole time she was ripping me apart Beth had a look of just hatred in her eyes. I can't help it if guys pay attention to me or if she has a bad relationship with her dad. But it's totally obvious she hates me for it. I kept telling myself I wasn't going to let this bother me but it really does. I tried to just put it out of my mind but I can't.  I guess I'm just stupid but I never saw this coming. They were the last 2 people I was friends with before I transitioned.  I'm at the point where I don't even want to try having female friends anymore. Since I transitioned female friends just don't work out.

[Deborah]

Jealousy is a horrible thing and those two seem to have it bad.  Sorry that happened to you but if it's any consolation it used to happen to my CIS daughter a lot too because she was prettier, or smarter, or more successful, or whatever other reason someone could dream up in their jealous mind.  Some people I think are just too self centered to give friendship unless they feel they get something more in return.


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[Allison S]

I don't really have that problem with friends but then again I'm still "male" most of the time since I'm not really that passable yet. Though my sister said similar and hurtful things (different context). We don't talk and I know she told our other sister she misses me but her feelings aren't more fragile than my own. When I see for Christmas I'm not really gonna mention anything because I'm a (mostly) forgiving person.


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[Artesia]

Sounds like petty jealousy to me.  They may try to reconcile in the future.  Being Trans, just gave them some added ammunition to what they would have said had you been cis.  It's up to you how you will treat it when/if they try to make amends.

[Bari Jo]

It sounds to me like thwy are both just super jealous of you.  You being trans was just an easy thing to pick on.  If you were AFAB they would have still been as pissy because you are prettier, get all the attention from guys, have a goid relationship with your dad, etc.  I think you just need better friends.  These two arent worth your time.  I have similar feelings about a lot of people i grew up with.  Since graduating high school, i left with full knowledge this was it.   I have never been back to that town, not ever.  I know the same people would have those stupid same attitudes, only now that they would see me as trans, theyd throw that into the mix too.  Im not advocating moving to another city, just dont hang with them anymore!

Bari Jo

[Charlie Nicki]

Wow, so jealous and insecure. They don't deserve your friendship.


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[Red Lion]

Jealousy is p ugly on its own. But it's another thing entirely to take a shot at your transness. I know people who wouldn't even fathom using that as ammo during an argument. Jealousy can be worked on, it can be talked through and resolved. Deliberate misgendering? That's a different realm of ugly and it's a betrayal of trust in a way. No matter how much you may try to repair your relationship beyond that point you'll always be left wondering if they can really see you as you want to be seen, or if they'll always secretly think of you as your pre-transition self.

[Ladysabertooth]

wow jealous much?  lol not real friends anyway ...

[Julia1996]

The funny thing is I was always jealous of them because they were born female. But I was never jealous in a mean way. Just envious.

[amandam]

My daughter had the same falling out with some of her high school friends. It happens. If they are real friends, they'll come back and apologize.

[Maddie86]

I'm so sorry Julia. I agree with everyone, it does sound like they're jealous, but this was really uncalled for. I really appreciate your posts on here, you've gone through a lot of really sad stuff but I also noticed that your dad and your brother are just amazing to you, if those girls were really your friends they should be happy that you have family that supports you so much and they should realize that transitioning is not an easy thing to do. I actually realized just this weekend that transitioning has kind of alienated me a lot, and this is the loneliest I've ever felt, and I'm not even officially out yet. I hope things get better for you.

[Amoré]

Jealousy I would say also like so many other. Some genetic woman think they have the upper edge on us being trans and everything that they can't take a guy paying attention to a transgender woman and not them. How can a guy like a transgender woman more than them is what is going on in their head.  That is why they took a shot at you for being trans. They must be very insecure.

[amandam]

And if you were a cisgirl, they would have said something about your nose, or your butt, or your whatever. Girls are like that.

[Daisy Jane]

 

Wow! I'm sorry your friends are being so horrible to you. If you ever decide to contact them again I would start by sending them a link to the wikipedia page on Confirmation Bias.

Confirmation bias is the tendency to search for, interpret, favor, and recall information in a way that confirms one's preexisting beliefs or hypotheses. It is a type of cognitive bias and a systematic error of inductive reasoning. People display this bias when they gather or remember information selectively, or when they interpret it in a biased way. The effect is stronger for emotionally charged issues and for deeply entrenched beliefs. Confirmation bias is a variation of the more general tendency of apophenia.

People also tend to interpret ambiguous evidence as supporting their existing position. Biased search, interpretation and memory have been invoked to explain attitude polarization (when a disagreement becomes more extreme even though the different parties are exposed to the same evidence), belief perseverance (when beliefs persist after the evidence for them is shown to be false), the irrational primacy effect (a greater reliance on information encountered early in a series) and illusory correlation (when people falsely perceive an association between two events or situations).

They think your life is perfect. They notice that you get hit on more, see your great relationship with your dad, and your great relationship with your boyfriend. They forget the various forms of bullying you've endured, that you wish you could have been AFAB, and (assuming it's something you want) that you'll never be able to give birth.

[Aurorasky]

Wow! I'm sorry your friends are being so horrible to you. If you ever decide to contact them again I would start by sending them a link to the wikipedia page on Confirmation Bias.

They think your life is perfect. They notice that you get hit on more, see your great relationship with your dad, and your great relationship with your boyfriend. They forget the various forms of bullying you've endured, that you wish you could have been AFAB, and (assuming it's something you want) that you'll never be able to give birth.

Omg so much this. Julia, you already know what my stance on this is. My heart goes out to you. I have had similar experiences. Drop these friends like a hot potatoe. They don't deserve your friendship plus they'll never see you as you are as evidenced by their comments, which is really sad. You don't need that kind of negativity in your life. And yes they should think twice before they call you lucky or invalidate your struggles. Would they have walked a mile in your shoes? I don't think so.

[MaryT]

As an Earl of Chesterfield said,
"Inferiority is what you enjoy in your best friends."

Your friends no longer feel superior to you and they can't stand it.

Cis women you befriend after your SRS should see you from the start as who you really are, so it may be different with them.

[Tessa James]

Sorry to hear about that experience Julia.

In one sense those kind of friends may do us a favor by revealing the shallowness of their relationship with us.  Too bad that some folks can't get past the simple labels and work toward a deeper relationship.

I bet you will have better friends to make in the near future.
 

[natalie.ashlyne]

Well Jealously insecurity does affect any friendship, I know I have been jealous of people it is how you deal with your jealously issues, I am learning even where I work a few cis females have made comments that show that they are jealous of myself and I think I am the last one to be jealous of. You did not cross any line just be yourself if your friends don't like it than they are not your true friends.

[echo7]

Were you really close friends with these two women?  Did you share with each other your fears, personal insecurities, daily struggles, and lifelong challenges?  I find that when my female friends and I are vulnerable with each other, we are more likely to overlook and maybe even forget any feelings of jealousy we have for each other, because we understand that life isn't always better for the other woman.

[Siobhan Amanda]

Wow! Yes that's horrible and is pure jealousy for sure. I'm in agreement with everyone too. I'm new into transition and have only come out to close friends and family. They've all been fantastic so far and I love them. Most of my close friends are cismale so I'm hoping that if I become even remotely pretty they won't be jealous of that one. In this day and age where my school friends are social medialily coming out of the woodwork I've a lot of " friends" that have still to know the real me, both male and female friends. I'm not so sure of what I'll encounter, both positives and negatives, I'll do my best to wear a thick skin but I'm sure some of it will hurt 😔. I'm early as I said in my journey but I see that part of my transition will be to not only to become wholly myself but also to reaffirm friendships, quality over quantity. I'm sorry for your hurt. From what I've read when you've helped others on here you have good wisdom and heart and hope this will carry you above their lack of it.