The Roll Show! (Filmed Live in Front of a Studio Audience)

[Maddie86]

So yesterday and today have been interesting!

First, the simple stuff: I have continued to iron out apartment details, most services setup (2 months in advance, apparently I'm more prepared than most people by the responses I'm getting? ) and everything is going great.

Second, I saw my hrt doc yesterday early. My T is 105, my E is about uhhh, crap what was it. Well, was about 150ish. So I'm just a teeny tiny bit out of target ranges, even on a non maxed out dosage. I'm switching to sublingual for Estradiol and adding Progesterone!

Which leads into Third... MEDICAID ACTUALLY COVERED MY PROGESTERONE! I am going to try the other two again tomorrow. If they cover it, I save a TON of money.

Ok, so fourth. Badish one here? I found myself in a war with a certain group with a four letter acronym on twitter the past two days. They descended upon my tweets like a biblical plague. The plague of sad, hateful lives and healthy dose of simple stupidity. I survived unscathed, arguing them into corners and then just making stupid jokes when they started repeating themselves. It was sort of fun. This will come into play in a second...

Fifth, the big one (yes, bigger than HRT followup). I had a WONDERFUL visit with my friends mom, someone who I consider family. She and her partner were very accepting and sweet, and she was overjoyed to see me. It brought back a lot of wonderful memories of my mom (they were best friends for a long time until we moved), of childhood trips where she and my mom chaperoned all of us kids to Disneyworld, and of just days before I began to sink into my dysphoric agoraphobia nightmare. She was continually blown away by how happy I was and how much progress I made. I talked to her about her experiences coming out a bit, and told her about mine and then about my mom's final years. My favorite part was when I showed her pictures and she said "Dang, if I wasnt with (her girlfriend) I'd date you!"

This is a bit of a repeat of something I said on twitter but whatever...
So online I'm getting attacked by hateful people en masse. Yet meanwhile in the real world, I sat in the home of an older lesbian couple who show nothing but love and acceptance. Just a reminder that vocal online minorities are not worth taking to heart, they are a tiny minority of the larger feminist and LGBT communities.

wow, you're doing great! I wish I had your estrogen level, my 9 month checkup was back in April and my E was at like 63. They increased my dose and I have a feeling I'll be at 83 when I go back in a few weeks, and my doctor said my target range was 100 to 200. Progesterone is something I've been considering, so please keep us updated on that

and I'm excited for you and your new apartment! I finally got my own place for the first time this year and I'm loving it, and I'm sure you will too!

[Roll]

Hi Ellie,

  Well young lady 4 out of 5 is still 80% (I think) and that's still a good score. Besides that other 20% was not too bad for the wisdom you gained from it. You are doing well,Hun. And I agree one of these days you can entertain this old ladt lesbian Transgender wandering waif. I look forward to it. Your growth in self is amazing. You have taken the world by the horns and met it head on.

hugs,
   Laurie

Honestly, for the first time I truly believe that. I can actually say I'm proud of myself for a change, in how far I've come, without waffling or being embarrassed. I look forward to sitting in your living room one day too!

wow, you're doing great! I wish I had your estrogen level, my 9 month checkup was back in April and my E was at like 63. They increased my dose and I have a feeling I'll be at 83 when I go back in a few weeks, and my doctor said my target range was 100 to 200. Progesterone is something I've been considering, so please keep us updated on that

and I'm excited for you and your new apartment! I finally got my own place for the first time this year and I'm loving it, and I'm sure you will too!

I'm not sure how to quantify the progesterone, but if I suddenly jump to a C cup I'll definitely be looking at it. My E levels are just my freakish weird genetics with metabolizing Estradiol I found out about with the 23andme genetic testing I'm pretty sure. I'm not actually entirely convinced it has made a major difference in development though.

[Bari Jo]

Hi Ellie, so sorry you are having run ins with that group.  I recently just learned of the name myself.  It really bothers me that anybody shares their views but they do.  I've experienced the same views from the gay groups too.  Can't we all just get along?  Sheesh!

That's great you are getting some of your meds paid for.  I pay for E out of pocket since I do pellets and pellets aren't covered.  Back when I took e sublingually at max dose I was around your level at a time just before the next dose so overall the level was probably much higher.  Now however, my level is about 440, and t is only 8.  My doctor thinks I don't need Spiro at all now, as my e levels will keep my t at castrato level.  As for progesterone, I also take that on the hope that it will do something nice for my girls.  My doctor has her doubts and tries to talk me out of it each time.

Bari Jo

[Northern Star Girl]

@Roll:
Dear Ellie:  The important thing is what we think of ourselves... we have no control over what others think or say and arguing with them ... even trying to respectfully and cordially trying to discuss and debate the issues is usually a waste of your time.... you will never change their insulting minds.

We need to try to avoid stuff like that, that is one of many reasons that I am not on FB, Twitter or anything other than private email and on the forums here with like minded friends where the arguments and debates are about comparatively minor things.

Stay strong, you are doing so well in so many areas of your life... consider yourself fortunate and be glad about it.
Hugs,
Danielle

[Roll]

Honestly, for years I've been accused of being a know it all and arguing a point into the ground. It's sort of a relief to have a target no one minds if I do it to.

[Roll]

I'm in one of those weird phases where I feel like progress has stalled even in the middle of making a ton of progress. Little confused because what I feel emotionally and what I know intellectually are so different.

Anyhow, I'm also mad at myself I've been neglecting Susan's beyond my thread and a handful of others. ;/ Such a great community that I've been absent from.

[Dena]

I am the only one who regularly punches a clock around here. If life keeps you busy, spend your time there first. When you feel the need or when you have the time, we will be here for you. Post updates in your thread so we know your getting along ok but don't feel pressured to spend time here.

[Rachel]

23andme, Dr. Ronda Patrick has on her web site, "Found My Fitness" a tool for them to review your results for gene polymorphisms . The parts of our genes that work differently than most other peoples genes. It can be associated with regional genetics.

Ellie, close minded people can not be reasoned with. Most people that are secure in their sexuality (most cis think trans is a sexuality based variance) really do not care one way or another. Those that are brainwashed or have sexuality battles inside themselves will combat us. Those that are trans and in denial and suffering from severe self hate may say things to or about us to "fit in" their cis role. 

[Roll]

Tonight was a downer for some reason. Emotions raw for some reason, and I just wanted to cry constantly. Nothing particular happened, just .... ......... oh damnit. and typing this i literally realized mid post that i started progesterone a few days ago... hope this isn't the progesterone, I really want to take it.

Anyway, regardless even before tonight... Lately I've been feeling the loneliness more profoundly. I am just so sick of being alone. Not much I can do about it, and it's not like it hasn't been the status quo for my entire life of no relationships, but it has never affected me like it has the past few months and its only getting worse. And the thing that really hurts is there is someone I decidedly have feelings for that I can never say anything to for quite a few reasons that I interact with constantly, and all I can think about is what can never be.

I hate to complain and I really don't feel sad 99% of the time. I find so much happiness in other ways, but nonetheless it's always there sitting, ready to rear its head at a moment's stray thought.

[Dena]

A year ago you wouldn't have gone to a gay pride event and you wouldn't have considered moving out on your own. You have grown a tremendous amount and by doing so, you are preparing for the next stage of your life where you might meet another. Even CIS may take years to find that special somebody so don't feel what you want is impossible. I know your lonesome but if you start mixing with others socially you might find somebody sooner than you think.

[Roll]

A year ago you wouldn't have gone to a gay pride event and you wouldn't have considered moving out on your own. You have grown a tremendous amount and by doing so, you are preparing for the next stage of your life where you might meet another. Even CIS may take years to find that special somebody so don't feel what you want is impossible. I know your lonesome but if you start mixing with others socially you might find somebody sooner than you thing.

I'm hoping that is part of what comes with going to Atlanta, and I do want to find social environments. I was really hoping to be moving sooner, but alas that is the whim of when the place is available. The bigger issue though is I'm still very insecure in myself physically. The remaining beard shadow, hair, and weight... all just coming together to make me feel like I'm hideous without doing a ton of work with the wig and makeup, which cause me no end of discomfort. (Unfortunately, while it is light years better, my beard was just so coarse and so thick, it is still readily visible even with a smooth against the grain shave even with six laser sessions so far.)

[Laurie]

Ellie,

  It all takes time. Dena is right, you have come a long ways already. You have a long way to go still and you are impatient especially because of the whirlwind progress you have made. It is always hard to wait when what we want seems so tangible yet just beyond our current ready. In time we will get there, but it can be agonizingly slow.
  As far as meeting that special person goes, well Hun you just never know when that might happen. Look at me and Michelle. I wasn't looking at all. Michelle was but she did know I would fit into here plans when I visited. Both of us were attracted to one another, yes. But I had no idea I was to be her choice. She decided to take a chance and kiss me before I left.... twice! Wow did that ever mess me up. I had a whole lot to think over on the way home. Well, everyone knows how that has turned out so far for us. I sure as heck am not complaining and neither is she.
  My point is , Ellie, that you never know when or where that dang love bug is going to sneak up a bite you on the...

Anyway wishing you find your soul mate Hun.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[Allison S]

I'm at 9 laser sessions and still no luck sadly. I hope you don't experience this issue for long. I really relate about hair and makeup. Wigs can be fun but not in the summer heat. Well I guess I should've known transitioning was stressful but I don't think I could've prepared for it.


Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk

[Roll]

  My point is , Ellie, that you never know when or where that dang love bug is going to sneak up a bite you on the...

Anyway wishing you find your soul mate Hun.

Hugs,
   Laurie

You and Michelle is such a wonderful, inspiring story for me. I can only pray I have so much luck!

Just wish I wasn't a bit hung up on one particular person. ;X

I'm at 9 laser sessions and still no luck sadly. I hope you don't experience this issue for long. I really relate about hair and makeup. Wigs can be fun but not in the summer heat. Well I guess I should've known transitioning was stressful but I don't think I could've prepared for it.

I'm looking forward to the winter just so I can wear a wig and it not be painful. Praying come next summer I don't have to. At least beard should be gone by then no matter what.

[Roll]

Weird, I swear people drop off my buddy's list at random. I was up to 30 at one point and now its 16.

Anywho, that was just a random thing I noticed. The real reason for this followup is:

So I am trying to use facebook more to stay in touch with people, and wanted to point out to anyone interested in adding me, I put in my profile here! That is all.

[Northern Star Girl]

Weird, I swear people drop off my buddy's list at random. I was up to 30 at one point and now its 16.

Anywho, that was just a random thing I noticed. The real reason for this followup is:

So I am trying to use facebook more to stay in touch with people, and wanted to point out to anyone interested in adding me, I put in my profile here! That is all.

@Roll
Dear Ellie....  I  really enjoyed your good news/bad news updates that you recently posted.   You live an exciting life and your journey is becoming more exciting as time goes on.   Your progress is amazing and is very evident as shown in your pictures and with the stories that you tell.

Oh, by the way, you and I are still mutual buddies here...  so we did not disappear.

Thanks for keeping us all updated,
Hugs and hugs,
Danielle

[Jessica]

Weird, I swear people drop off my buddy's list at random. I was up to 30 at one point and now its 16.

Anywho, that was just a random thing I noticed. The real reason for this followup is:

So I am trying to use facebook more to stay in touch with people, and wanted to point out to anyone interested in adding me, I put in my profile here! That is all.

Ellie, I've been your friend from the beginning. Always count me as one! It's hard to keep up with everything on so many threads here now!
You have come so very far, as have many of us.
You are on the cusp of your reality!
Rejoice in your accomplishments!

Hugs and smiles, Jess

[Roll]

As always, the kind words mean a lot to me!

<3

And Jess, it is definitely hard to keep up with them now for me as well. I don't even know where to start with most I'm so far behind.

[Roll]

(Oh and anyone adding me on facebook from here, please toss me a message if your name is not your user name so I know who is who! Got slammed with way more than I was expecting after mentioning it. )

[Allison S]

I'm looking forward to the winter just so I can wear a wig and it not be painful. Praying come next summer I don't have to. At least beard should be gone by then no matter what.

To be honest I just don't want to shave my body anymore lol I need a break already!
I also want to take more time between shaving so I can reduce razor bumps I get. It really gets me down seeing bumps and ingrowns..

Oh I'm on tapatalk and I don't see your name for Facebook on here [emoji45] can you reply back or message me it so I can add you?!

Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk