I don't want to be Trans!

[satur9dreamer]

I guess most trans individuals have had this thought at one time. It is difficult, very difficult, and the body tends to think "I don't want this!" when we are experiencing difficult things, regardless of what it is, that's just natural.

My trans friends tell me that "the longer you wait, the more difficult it will become".

...Wait for what? Wait to do what, exactly?

MUST i do something now, just because i am able to recognize that i have trans-issues?

What must i do? I don't get that...

Well, i don't plan on doing anything!

What i mean by, "i don't want to be trans" is this...I want to love to be the gender that i am percieved as, which is male.

I have always had a woman inside of me, when i was younger, that woman was a girl...i think...

anyway, a friend of mine calls me "proto-trans", and i understand why, my life story and my relationship with myself is very typical of a trans person...but i don't want to be trans. I don't want to be a woman!

All my life i have thought "if i was only percieved as a female, i would be able to handle this situation" this is like my mantra, seriously. I have been saying this to myself for as long as i can remember.

I used to wear my mother's clothes and make-up and my aunt's wigs. I even asked my mom when i was very young "would you still love me if i became a girl?" i mean...proto-trans!

But i hate everything feminine...about myself. I love the feminine, but only as long as it exists outside of myself, i don't want to be like this! I wan't to be a man. I wan't to wan't to be a man.

I love trans-people...but i just don't want to be one. Becoming more like a woman will not make me happy, despite what people around me are saying. It can't...If i go through hormone therapy and the works, i will probably end up as somebody who will pass easily as a woman, because of my natural features...but i HATE my features because they ARE feminine...at least i think so.

Is transitioning really the only way to be happy? and am i a "bad trans" because i refuse to give in to what society dictates? I refuse to submit! I will fight the woman inside of me until i finally kill her...if that means that i have killed myself, then...well, then i'm dead. So i won't be worrying about this anymore, if that's the case.

I just don't want to be trans. How can i learn to accept and love the gender that i am physically...that's what i want to do, not transition...For some reason, i think i have a better shot at learning to love myself the way i am right now, then altering my body in hopes that i will achieve happiness, i don't necessarily think it's always that "easy"...

god damnit, this seems so hopeless...

All of my trans-friends HATE their assigned gender with a merciless passion...so i have nothing in common with any of them...because i am the only one who desperately wants to annihilate my trans-ness, thought i understand that everybody who suffers want's to end their suffering, but the HOW we choose to end it, that's the interesting part.

I look at it this way. I am a trans-man, caught in a man's body...sounds so obtuse, i know.

I feel like a woman, who want's to be a man, trapped in a man's body, that she cannot come to terms with, for some reason, or accept...it's like some strange binary-dysphoria. But i am allready a man, you may say, so why is not the woman inside of me just shutting up allready? Well, i guess that's why i am so lost.

It's like i need to transition from a man to a woman, physically, in order to be able to transition again, from a woman to a man...which is what i desire...? how <not allowed> is that? Or am i overcomplicating things?

soo....anybody else experience this? Or even understand what the hell i am talking about?

Thank you for listening to me.

<3

[ladytiffielou]

Everyday is a struggle for me but don't give up on knowing yourself and remember you don't have to fit with what you hear from others and perceive. Be you cause I know I am just how like Lenka say Unique.

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[Gertrude]

I think we hate it because of internalized transphobia, meaning we don't fit into society's expectations so we feel there's something wrong with us. In the context of a society that doesn't accept trans people and in some cases victimizes and ostracizes them, who would want it? Thing is, we are who we are and have always been a variation of what being a human being is.


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[Charlie Nicki]

I think we all feel that one way or another. I know I think about that all the time, "I don't want to be trans" which is ironic because before I realized that I was, I thought trans people were very cool and edgy and admirable. Talk about "be careful what you wish for"...

Anyways everyone chooses a different path. There's a lot of people here who choose not to transition and that's just as valid. In my case I am transitioning, I don't hate being a man but I don't love it either. I've lived a good life but have always felt just "ok" about myself and my life. I want to feel HAPPY about myself, which is why I'm doing this. I know staying like a man won't make me happy, if anything it made me less happy everyday.

[I Am Jess]

I didn't want to be trans, but I am.  Everyone has to figure out how they will deal with their individual issues.  I thought I had kept my feelings in check and was ok with living as a guy.  Except, for many of those years, I was praying to die because I hated my life.  It wasn't until I began my transition that I became truly happy.  So while I didn't want to be trans, I know I am and I have now dealt with it by fully transitioning and I love being my true self.

[Jayne01]

I was very much like you. I hated myself. I didn't want to be trans and was prepared to do anything not to be trans, even kill myself. The only reason I am still here today is the thought of how much it would have ruined my wife's life if I had taken my own.

It took a lot of hard work with my therapist for me to come to the realisation that being trans is not a bad thing, it's not even a good thing. All it is is a label we give ourselves. We are ourselves. I am different to every other trans person out there, as we all are. We are individuals on our own path. We have close similarities to some people more than others, but we each have our own path to follow. You don't need to transition. You don't need to start HRT. All you need to do is find what is right for you so that you are able to enjoy your life.

What you are feeling could very well be internalised transphobia, like Gertrude mentioned earlier. That internalised transphobia really messes with your head. It did with me. But you will get through this and find your way. If you haven't already, I highly recommend speaking with a therapist who is familiar with trans issues.

Hang in there and don't give up. You have a great support group here at Susan's. There is always at least one person here that can relate to what you may be going through and off some support.

Take care.

Jayne

[bobbisue]

Is transitioning really the only way to be happy? and am i a "bad trans" because i refuse to give in to what society dictates? I refuse to submit! I will fight the woman inside of me until i finally kill her...if that means that i have killed myself, then...well, then i'm dead. So i won't be worrying about this anymore, if that's the case.


   There is no bad way to be trans yes it can suck at times  but fighting to kill her is not the way to go because she is you and you are her deal with her and find out where you need to be I agree not transitioning is a good idea at this time find out where you need to be happy and then go there but dont fight yourself it doesn't work I tried it for over fifty years be yourself if it means sporting a beard and a feather boa so be it

   bobbisue

[Izzy Grace]

I do know what you mean. You should check out Jennifer Boylan's book "She's not there" she expresses this exact feeling many times in her journey. Many times she attempted to change, force change, ignore, pretend, and end her "trans issues". She often had this same conflicting feeling and perhaps reading her story can help you come to terms with yours whatever method you decide to deal with it.

Only you can know how far if at all, you need or dont need to take this question and possible solutions and whether the solution or nonsolution you choose is doing you harm or not. Just dont be asleep to your feelings and health/well being.

[Tessa James]

Is transitioning really the only way to be happy? and am i a "bad trans" because i refuse to give in to what society dictates? I refuse to submit! I will fight the woman inside of me until i finally kill her...if that means that i have killed myself, then...well, then i'm dead. So i won't be worrying about this anymore, if that's the case.

I just don't want to be trans.

<3

Hey Dreamer,  Yes, as you note many people do not want to be transgender or have to deal with dysphoria and discrimination.  You no longer need to see yourself as alone.  There are millions of ways to be transgender and many, if not most trans people, do not transition medically or surgically.  There are options and they are well explored on these pages.  Self harm, however, is not a sustainable way forward. 

People have tried to deny or kill the woman inside and many of us will attest to the persistence of our gender identity despite those life long efforts.  Some may try to distract ourselves with hyper masculine rolls and presentations.  In the too recent past we used electroshock therapy to zap away "chronic depression resulting from homosexual ideation and gender confusion".   Some will still try to pray away their gay and other troubling thoughts...such as being transgender.

It can be a long tough road to self acceptance but we are worth the effort to see ourselves as deserving and self respected members of the human family. 

[Allie24]

So I'm a bit of a heretic in that I don't think gender dysphoria is evidence of an inner female that NEEDS to be let out... there are many factors at play here.

Don't see yourself as being "trans in denial" but rather just a gender dysphoric man. It's that simple. Find a therapist willing to work with you on processing dysphoria without transitioning, and go from there.

[Kylo]

I don't hate myself or trans people, or have some subliminal message in my brain from society that trans people are wrong.

I have a body I would like to be okay with. I'd like to just be a woman. I have no especial desire to be a man. I don't hate women. What I do have is a body I cannot feel in sync with, that feels alien and disturbing. It is so disturbing that it put me off using it beyond the bare and neutral minimum required for living, and lived alongside it like a cellmate I didn't enjoy the company of.

So yeah I get what you're saying. But it is what it is - it isn't a choice or a goal to be transsexual, usually. It's generally forced on us by the mental disconnect between mind and body, and it sucks but that's our problem to solve.

[LizK]

What i mean by, "i don't want to be trans" is this...I want to love to be the gender that i am percieved as, which is male.

I have always had a woman inside of me, when i was younger, that woman was a girl...i think...


<3

Hi Saturday Dreamer

Welcome to Susan's

I can see you have had a wide range of answers and really can't add much other than suggest you find yourself a good therapist to help you cope with the emotional issues you are suffering in the hope that you can get a point where you are happy. You get one go around in this life and if you are not happy then you are responsible for changing that. The remedy is usually within our own hands.

How you go about this is entirely up to you but for me I got fed up with trying to fight it because of the toll it was taking on me and the time it consumed was enormous, so I went the other way and embraced it. So far so good, You have to find what works for you.

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[amandam]

I don't want to be trans either. I don't want to "have to" go through a transition because of anxiety, depression, etc. I really don't. It would be such a hassle, and expensive. But, I don't fit in as a guy. I wish I was born female. I love the way I feel if I "think" I am female while dressed, etc. Most days I believe my brain is female. Sometimes, I think it's some great big delusion. Other times, I know it's the truth. It would be so much simpler if these thoughts and desires could just be ripped out of my mind. Since these thoughts cause so much turmoil, my emphasis is quickly becoming, "learn who I am, learn to love me".

[Roberta W]

You get the idea.  All of the responses above pretty much say the same thing.  Gender Dysphoria will eat you alive if you just try to ignore it.  As you age it only gets stronger.  The advice to seek the help of a therapist is very, very sound.  Maybe we WANT to be male or female when we are born the opposite sex, but our inner self will eventually win-out and rule your life.  Many responses above seem to echo your sentiments.  I can only speak from my own experience.  Gender dysphoria was eating me up over 30 years ago, and I chose to do something about it, all the way ... And I've been very happy ever since.  Is that what I "wanted" from a work, family and friends perspective?  No, that made it very difficult, but I had to do what I had to do.  We all know the feeling.  Carry on, see a therapist, and let your inner self rule.

[The Flying Lemur]

I don't think there's any such thing as a "bad trans."  Dealing with gender dysphoria is all about what gets you through the night, one night at a time.  If that means not transitioning for you, right now or ever, then great.

However, I will second that the idea of "killing" the "woman inside" is probably not a great way to view matters.  The "woman" isn't an alien growth taking root inside you.  It's you.  If you kill her, part of you dies.  Why is being trans worse than metaphorical (or literal) death?

[Sno]

Ok, so you don't want to be trans.

That's ok. Neither do I or a thousand other folk here - as the underlying sentiment is that being trans is a choice - it's not, it's fundamentally how we are wired in construction, and there is no way to change that.

So we then have a real choice, do we try stuff to make ourselves feel better with ourself and the world, or do we adopt strategies to fight the beast.?

Dysphoria is toxic, it grows and develops over time - as our strategies, get more sophisticated we think that everything is under control, and then we discover that it's started in a different area of our lives. It will leak, seep and drip from one area to another.

If we are lucky, we can contain it, but in doing so we have created a mental health pressure cooker. It doesn't stop growing, even though it's contained. The results of the containment failing, are fast, dramatic, devastating for ourselves and those around us. So we have to tackle it.

Yes there are strategies to cope, some more self accepting than others, but they may not work for you, and the strategies effectiveness diminishes over time, so you will need to create new ones, it is an ongoing challenge.

My personal best was 20 years of hiding, managing, pretending and trying to cope with the shame, and guilt of being me. It's not working, and it hasn't worked. Currently, I'm the subject of an emergency medical intervention. I'm recieving therapy, and a nice line of anti-depressants, in an ettempt to keep me hanging around on this planet. Thankfully.

Did I have a handle on my dysphoria, oh hell yes, right up until it smashed my control by joining forces with my anxiety. It then recruited depression and I've slowly failed to function over the last few years. I was blissfully unaware, until it started manifesting as panic attacks. Any time, any place, anywhere.

I have no choices left. And that's dysphoria.

Rowan

[Jayne01]

If we are lucky, we can contain it, but in doing so we have created a mental health pressure cooker. It doesn't stop growing, even though it's contained. The results of the containment failing, are fast, dramatic, devastating for ourselves and those around us. So we have to tackle it.
.
.
.
Did I have a handle on my dysphoria, oh hell yes, right up until it smashed my control by joining forces with my anxiety. It then recruited depression and I've slowly failed to function over the last few years. I was blissfully unaware, until it started manifesting as panic attacks. Any time, any place, anywhere.

I have no choices left. And that's dysphoria.

Rowan

Rowan, that is a very good way to describe what dysphoria does to you. In my case I was like a volcano existing quietly for roughly 45 years until there was suddenly enough pressure built up inside that it let go in a very explosive eruption.

Jayne

[Allison S]

There are "butch" women or "feminine" men. There's masculine men and feminine women. There's everyone in between.. why don't you be YOU? Whatever that "gender" may be! I say <not allowed> gender I'm not a man or a woman im just doing the things I want and if that's being assigned male at birth and taking blockers and estrogen, growing my hair, dressing in short skirts, dresses, high heels... than so be it! I do what I want and that's all that matters.

That's my rant for the day lol


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[KathyLauren]

If you truly are trans, then that's what you are.  You were born trans and you will always be trans.  Wishng it otherwise will not change that.

I just don't want to be trans. How can i learn to accept and love the gender that i am physically...that's what i want to do, not transition...For some reason, i think i have a better shot at learning to love myself the way i am right now, then altering my body in hopes that i will achieve happiness, i don't necessarily think it's always that "easy"...

That is totally cool.  Not every trans person needs to transition.  If someone is telling you that you do, you need to stay away from that person.  If the best way for you to deal with being trans is to concentrate on your male presentation, then that is what you should do.  Only you can decide that.  Just realize that those feminine leanings will always remain, because they too are part of who you are.

And, if at some point in the future, you decide that feminine or non-binary expression is what you need to do at that time, then that is cool too.

There is no rule book saying what you must do.  You will be happiest when you are your authentic self, whatever that means to you. 

[Itsdone]

Ok so
I totally get it. To give you a little background I was totally respected as a male. I worked out got huge arms looked like I could kick ass.. was well liked and loved by others. Great personality.. totally dude from the outside..

For me the pain of not being female has been with me since i was young.. all those feelings pre puberty were just as strong 40 years later or even worse actually.

I finally just gave up on being a woman thinking no way would I pass and I did not want to live as an outwardly trans person.. because I suppose I am a coward.

So I knew the term transgender when I was thirty and read about it.. cried and then started transition.. nothing would stop me but wait.. I had two little kids and a wife and we were in love and a loving family
That was over 25 years ago.

So I tried to get cured.. it did not work then I just hid it again from everyone and just thought well I am a sinner hope I don't go to hell.

4 years ago I had it.. not more could I live as male.. I just did not care about life anymore. I hated the way I looked and was dying slowly... longing to be my true self.

I decided to take hormones then kill myself since at least I would have estrogen in me.
My family saved my life and I am lucky enough to be a hot ass chick that now sings and acts.

So, I am so so so happy... very happy.. happy as I can be except for one thing.

I lost my marriage and we had a great great marriage.

It hurts like hell.
And being a woman is not easy.. I am just a chick now.. and I say that because there is a difference in how we are treated.

Hormones kicked my ass.. I am as girly as any chick.. totally melt around men and love men.

So where am i going with this...

Don't do it if you are not sure.  If you can live the way you are... look great as a man and deal with it somehow that is what I would do.

I still have all the issues I had before becoming a woman ... bills, and life is life right.... now I wear makeup.. buy clothes, all the ->-bleeped-<- that comes with being a girl.. its a hassle.  I could not wait to wear a bra and now I am just like any other chick.

I tucked all my life.. I hated my weeny... I never saw myself in a fantasy as a guy ever I was always the girl.
I am a woman.. plain and simple.

But here is the catch.. knowing everything I know now would I go back to being a dude.. HELL NO.

I hated my entire day being ruled by my girl fixes.. I would wear a bra just to feel like a girl.
It had nothing to do with sex..

We get obsessed because we cant wear girls stuff.. I wanted a pony tail so bad.. I just wanted to be real.. a real girl.

Now that I am I don't think about that ever ever ever.. I am just a chick living her life and being bad ass.

I wanted this no matter what happened to me.. I thought well if it does not work out at least I tried... and then I could kill myself and put myself out of my misery.

But one thing that was for sure.. I had no choice.. it was over.. this chick was coming out come hell or high water.

If you don't feel that way don't even think about transition.

Get therapy and figure out a way to cope.

BTW I look just like I thought I would when I was a kid.... the me I saw in my dreams on the playground were of a blond girl happy and fun..

I am that person now and I will never regret it.. although there is much pain associated with loss of a partner.

Me