Were you 100% sure? Can you be 100% sure?

[Sinead]

It's been about a month since I realised I might be trans, I say might, because I don't feel 100% sure.

Sometimes I do, sometimes the urge to be female is so strong that I feel like I'm going to burst unless I don't tell everyone I'm trans and start living female full time, sometimes I'm laughing and joking with friends, and seemingly happy, sometimes I hate the fact that I'm male and contemplate whether it's actually worth being alive anymore, sometimes I feel content, it's always in the back of my mind though, I don't think it's ever going away.

I don't think I'm a crossdresser, I don't get the urge to 'crossdress' any longer, it's more the urge to be myself, to be female.

I'm starting to think about coming out, or at least think about thinking about coming out. Were you 100% sure you were trans when you came out? I'm not, I don't feel like I'll ever be. Do you feel 100% sure now?

[Cindy]

Hi Nina,

Are you exploring all of this with a therapist? It really does help to have someone to sound off against.

In my case when I finally made the decision that I had no alternative for my sanity and happiness I had no doubts. However it took a long time to get to that point.

So once I had accepted me I found being me to be the only option. Take your time getting to that point as you don't want to transition and detransition if you can avoid it.

[Bari Jo]

I think you will get a large variety of answers to this.  I knew as a kid I was trans, prob 99%.  However, the environment around me outside my family riddled me with guilt and shame for it.  Throughout the years the trans beast got stronger than the shame and fear and it took over again.  Always the guilt and shame came back, mainly because I couldn't accept myself.  Even in my male phases, I knew I was different.  I finally felt I had been broken enough and that's when I accepted I was trans.  Only then did I do any coming out.  This was about a 40 year road to acceptance for me, even though I knew way back then.

Anyway, everybodys trip is different.  There is no agenda that says you have to do things at a certain time.  I'd continue going to group, see a therapist often, and decide what feels right for you.

Bari Jo

[KathyLauren]

I did eventually get to the point where I was 98% sure.  But it took me more than 60 years to get there.  I don't recommend that anyone do it the way I did.  But clarity takes as long as it takes.  Sometimes 100% certainty is too much to ask for.

I realized that I had wasted at least 2/3 of my life waiting for certainty that was not going to happen.  We can't even be 100% sure that we will get to see tomorrow.  How can we expect certainty about something even less predictable?  Eventually, I realized that 98% sure was the best I would get, and that those were pretty good odds. 

So I came out.  Now that I have some experience as myself, I am finally 100% sure I made the right choice.

[Julia1996]

I was 100% sure. I wasn't 100% sure how I would look but I didn't care. Even if I was bigger and more masculine looking I still would have transitioned. That's all I wanted my whole life. So yes I was 100% sure.

[widdershins]

I was 100% sure I was trans. I've know since I was a young kid, before I even had the vocabulary to express it. But I wasn't 100% sure coming out was the right thing to do at the time. You can't know for sure how people will react or what consequences you might face, so you need to weigh the potential risks against the benefits. It worked out well for me. It unfortunately doesn't work out well for everyone.

I also wasn't and am still not 100% sure which specific medical treatments will be best for me, since there are so many different factors in terms of finances, aesthetic/functionality tradeoffs, health concerns, etc. But you don't necessarily have to have all that decided in order to come out. Nosey people might ask, but it's really nobody else's business but yours (and your partner(s), if applicable.)

[Megan.]

Because I have kids I wanted to be as sure as possible before I told them,  to minimise the chance of a detransition for their sake.
It took me about a year reach a level of confidence that full-time was right for me,  and I got there through incremental steps,  each one building my confidence.
I was probably about 95% sure when I went full-time,  but there was nothing else to try at that stage except the full monty.
Only when I started HRT a few months after going full-time could I say I was 100% confident I'd made the right choice for me.
I know others who just made up their minds,  did it,  and never looked back. It worked for them,  but I could never have done that; we're all different.

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[Izzy Grace]

It's been about a month since I realised I might be trans, I say might, because I don't feel 100% sure.

Sometimes I do, sometimes the urge to be female is so strong that I feel like I'm going to burst unless I don't tell everyone I'm trans and start living female full time, sometimes I'm laughing and joking with friends, and seemingly happy, sometimes I hate the fact that I'm male and contemplate whether it's actually worth being alive anymore, sometimes I feel content, it's always in the back of my mind though, I don't think it's ever going away.

I don't think I'm a crossdresser, I don't get the urge to 'crossdress' any longer, it's more the urge to be myself, to be female.

I'm starting to think about coming out, or at least think about thinking about coming out. Were you 100% sure you were trans when you came out? I'm not, I don't feel like I'll ever be. Do you feel 100% sure now?

No. I had a ton of doubt. I went back and forth like a wave pool. Sometimes it was a little ebb and flow, sometimes I was as sure and as doubtful as tidal waves. If you're doing the work to explore yourself, and in my opinion especially with a qualified gender therapist, you will find out very quickly and the doubt will give way to being more and more sure of who you are and where you are on the spectrum.

One thing you can pretty surely tell yourself, as I did when I thought about it, is that you aren't cisgender. you are some kind of transgender. Cisgender people, especially cis males, don't ask these questions. Dont have any doubts about their maleness and would never deem to ask. Every cis guy i ever knew practically worshipped his genitalia.

[AnonyMs]

I didn't realise I was trans until,my 40's, but when I did I was 100% sure because trans is a spectrum. I'm obviously not normal (cis) so I must be trans. Easy.

The thing I wasn't sure about is where I am on that spectrum and what to do about it. 10 years later and that's still not entirely clear.

[Tessa James]

I did not feel 100% sure of what I was and one single adjective, transgender, could never describe you, I, or anyone adequately.  I was 100% sure that my history included self loathing, dysphoria, denial, alienation, and fear.  Many of us will continue to have doubts and consider transition a journey of self discovery and liberation to arrive at our most congruent and genuine self.

The very word Transgender was coined in the 1960s and plenty of our young people have little regard for any label.  I am 100% sure you are worth the effort to find out why you feel those terribly strong urges.  

[josie76]

I was sure I wanted to be a girl, to be friends with girls, to live what I saw as free as a girl. Strange that I never had the word transgender to put to what I felt. I had these deep wants and feelings that did not fit with the life I was born to. Over and over I tried to analyze my internal feelings. I finished on convincing myself that it didn't matter what I felt. That I was stuck living life as I was born. That thinking and dreaming about it further was a waste of time. I more than once told myself that it was just not my place to have happiness in this lifetime. Now I finally have freed myself from that self imposed cage.

[Allison S]

I always had other people tell me I was a girl. But I couldn't accept it and thought they were making fun of me (they were a little at times). I knew physically I was born male but then finally I realized that I'd been fighting with myself. When people made fun of me for being a "girl" I actually should have thanked them.

Even after deciding to transition, I have my doubts. I'm about 98% sure myself but that's because I fear the what if. I sometimes wake up and think I should stop medically transitioning but it doesn't last long.

I think some can agree in the beginning it's such a scary decision. There's no way to really describe what it's like unless lived. I don't wish this experience on anyone because being cisgender is infinitely easier.


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[Charlie Nicki]

 I am 100% sure now. But it took me 4 years to get to this point, from the first time I actually asked myself "are you trans?" To now. Looking back, the signs were there since I was very young, I just didn't know.

In any case, having doubts is normal. Even when you feel 100% sure like I do, any negative circumstances can make you doubt and wonder again if this is the right path for you, which I guess is a defense mechanism.


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[Julia1996]

My problems were convincing other people I was 100% sure. My gender therapist asked me a million times if I was sure I wanted to start hrt. Then I had to convince my dad and he asked me if I was absolutely sure I wanted to do hrt and did I realize how much it would change me. Then it was my brother asking me if I was totally sure I wanted SRS . He was afraid I might realize it was a mistake afterwards but it would be irreversible. He has come to realize surgery is absolutely what I need. I can see how people can start doubting their decision when other people are pointing out all the negative things to you and you have to keep convincing people it's what you want. And if you're young you have idiots like my uncle and grandpa saying you're too young to know what you want.

[MistressStevie]

True 100% anything may be unattainable in almost all areas of human endeavor.
I think many of us round up to 100% certainly when we are "sure enough" of a
path that we are fully comfortable with the risks.  There may always be a residual
uncertainly and both knowable and unknowable risk.  Sufficient due diligence to
know address the elements above in your decision making is most important.   

[Meghan]

True 100% anything may be unattainable in almost all areas of human endeavor.
I think many of us round up to 100% certainly when we are "sure enough" of a
path that we are fully comfortable with the risks.  There may always be a residual
uncertainly and both knowable and unknowable risk.  Sufficient due diligence to
know address the elements above in your decision making is most important.

Only time I 100% sure I am Transgender when a survey call ask about sex, and I said no to every category except Transgender. After the call I contacted my doctor asked for prefer to behavior therapist. The transition begin with out any hesitation with encourage from my Therapist.

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[Kylo]

At the point of coming out I was definitely sure. I never tell people personal things I'm not comfortable with them knowing (or possibly using against me), or that might backfire or prove false because I hadn't considered them fully.

Being sure in general would have been on an increasing scale over time. As a child I knew there were problems, but not the reasons nor the full scope or consequence of the issues. I was about 50% sure back then, and 50% "I don't know". As the years progressed, I only got more and more sure. At no point did I really consider myself a "normal" person though, without problems. Even as a kid. I knew something was up, from day one.

I was 100% sure before I went to the GP to get that first consultation at the GIC. I waited a couple of years before doing this, to be absolutely thorough with myself.

[Lisa_K]

In spite of what people told me when I was a little kid, I knew and had always known with all certainty that I was a girl in spite of evidence to the contrary. Since a girl is more or less what I grew up to be, when I found out I was able to start hormones at 17, there was never any doubt about it. It was such a foregone conclusion and obvious, nobody even asked me if I was sure. It was like "you can fix this"? What have we been waiting for?

It was the same when I had SRS at 22 - there was never a hint of doubt, question or second thoughts about it. In the forty years since then, I'm still 100% sure there was no other way and I've never doubted any of it for a minute.

[Roll]

Well... At first, I didn't know the words to describe it. Then I repressed it for a long time, believing I didn't qualify. Then when I finally did consciously own up to it and begin to address it, I was full of nothing but doubt. I was worried it was my OCD playing tricks on me, that I was talking myself into something as a belated means of explaining my problems... but through talking with people here, comparing notes, and getting to experience myself en femme as it were, those doubts are gone. 2 months ago, I was 50/50. Now I am 100% sure I am not just transgender, but a trans woman. Am I 100% sure I am making the right choice with transitioning? 100% sure of where I'm going and how my life will turn out? No to both accounts, not in the slightest, and I don't think I will ever be. But nonetheless, I am sure that I have to try, because I will never have the stars align for me like this again.

[TransAm]

I've always been 100% sure--never been a doubt in my mind--that I was never meant to be a female. This doesn't mean anything, though, as everyone's experience is going to be completely different. Many of us can't pinpoint exactly what the issue is until much later in life and many of us don't really hate our birth gender so much as feel vaguely uncomfortable.

There's no right or wrong way to be trans: There is only your way.