Hi!! I'm Lexi, I'm currently 26yo, and I've been reading posts and information from this forum for many years, I made an account recently and wanted to take the chance to both introduce myself and hopefully share a very summarized story of me and how I came to hopefully being two days away from starting HRT. Both to help me be more certain of myself, and on the offchance it may also help someone else.
Sorry for the long read, I tried to look for a spoiler option thingie.
I was raised by fanatically religious parents, and from an early age I always felt the way I was being made to dress, talk, behave and relate to others was against my nature, however I have always had a tendency to want to avoid conflict, since I knew there was no rational discussion to be had. So I settled, to have tradition and intolerance be the dictators of what my life could hope to ever be.
However as I grew older, no matter how much I repressed it or ignored it or forced myself to try and be a guy, there was always a feeling of dread and resentment for the simple fact of being alive. During my teens I thought it to be simple depression, but as I explored for the cause of it, immediately it was clear what the reason was, but it was not something I could accept so I denied and looked for alternatives. Eventually it led me to "futanari" or ->-bleeped-<- porn, and even exploring fetishes about crossdressing and what not. And even if they pulled me in on certain level, I could always tell it was not my thing essentially, for even if being talked to as a girl and feeling attractive and girly was awesome. It was always specifically a fantasy of a guy with girls clothing, and feeling like a guy just made me sick of myself.
I eventually got to know the love of my life last year, and even though we instantly clicked, knowing she liked me because in her eyes I was a guy, clawed at me from inside, it eventually caused us to break up, and come to the realization that no matter how much I wanted to deny it just to fit in and please others around me, to avoid conflict and have an "easier" life. It's not something I can actually deny or repress, I've always known even if I didn't want to openly accept it, that I'm female, that I want to fully transition, and the consequences to my mental health that not accepting myself carried.
Knowing I felt already this way when I was 15 and could have had a perfect transition starting age will always be a personal regret, but at the same time I've already spent 26 years of my life trying to be someone I'm not, and knowing I'm so close to starting transition, having received approval from a psych by request of my endo, is also the closest I've ever been to actually feeling good and being happy. And although I'll be transitioning without telling anyone around me, even if they find out and they want to argue or even kick me out. I can't waste my life for others that don't really care about me, and I know I'll be able to find work and live a decent life, which I'm aware is not an option for many of us.
But I wanted to say and scream and let it echo on my brain, I'm Lexi, I'm free, I'm pursuing my happiness and I have no regrets about going after it, not matter what comes ahead.
If you stayed until the end thank you for your time!!! And have a lovely day!!! And if I can ever help anyone else in here, let me know, I'd be more than happy to
