Faith's Progress

[KathyLauren]

Sorry you are having a hard day.  I think we can all relate to impatience.  Hang in there.  Even if there is little we can do to help, at least we all understand.

Here's a suggestion for tucking: firm control briefs.  They are more comfortable than a gaff and produce good results.  I find that, with shrinkage from HRT, I worry less about how things look down there.  But when I feel that the bulge shows too much, the firm control briefs take care of it, even under tight jeans.

[Faith]

Thanks for chiming in and, logically, I agree but my head doesn't. I just can't seem to break the mood and feeling. Right now, I feel like getting home, putting on boy clothes, and just stomp around. I would say sulk, maybe grumble like a bear? Nope, I can't describe it. The more I think the more my thoughts go in circles and get all jumbled up.

Maybe I'll shake it when I get home, the wife is off today and there waiting for me.

[Sarah_P]

I'm right there with you Faith. I'm feeling pretty miserable today myself.
Here's hoping we both can get through the day & feel better by the end.

[steph2.0]

Thanks for chiming in and, logically, I agree but my head doesn't. I just can't seem to break the mood and feeling. Right now, I feel like getting home, putting on boy clothes, and just stomp around. I would say sulk, maybe grumble like a bear? Nope, I can't describe it. The more I think the more my thoughts go in circles and get all jumbled up.

Maybe I'll shake it when I get home, the wife is off today and there waiting for me.

I get it, Faith. I have definitely been there. I call it getting a case of the "yeahbuts." No matter what anyone says, and how much sense it makes, I always say, "Yeah, but..." and have a reason to keep letting myself feel miserable. I'm beginning to think that it's a necessary part of the process. I know that it's dumb, and it's frustrating for both me and the people trying to help... but it is what it is. Just have to plow through it.

Take care,

Steph

[Faith]

Ahh, today is a new day, I'm feeling better. I was bummed last night, got home all ready to sulk and hide ... company. The grandbaby (1yr+) was there along with the son-in-law. No crash and burn for me. The Grandbaby attacked me and wouldn't let me go. Leave it to the cuties to break a funk.

On to evening, I got together with some acquaintances (and a few friends) to jam a bit. I haven't played in a while. It was a good night.

I'm looking forward to some primping time tonight. Nice shower and play with my new epilator. I did one test run. Ouch, but not as bad as I expected. Now to learn to use it correctly. (ps, did a chin test .. not going there, nope, no way. If there's to be that kind of pain it can wait for a proper ZAP-n-Death.

[Faith]

Good Morning <insert-bored-persons-name-that's-actually-reading-this>, I feel good this morning, everything seems right (wrong, but right, weird huh?) with the world.

Quiet night last night with the wife. We watched a Christmas movie together .. shared tears. CRAP. And this'll get worse on HRT? I was never one for showing how I feel. Lots to get used to.

We put some glitter tips on my pink toes. It really sets them off. I almost tipped my fingers. I couldn't quite do it due to work. I didn't want to deal with the questions. I will do them Friday night, see if the weekend gives me the nerve to leave them that way.

Before the wife got home, I did my exercises early and showered. Out came the epilator. OWWW. I hope it gets easier. I had to clean the bathroom, it looked like my dogs (and cat) got in there and shed weeks worth of fur. On the plus side, I now have a very smooth chest and abdomen .. woooo. 

OH! .. my eyelashes are getting longer. It now looks like I actually have some ... the magic of brush on drugs. Miracle-grow for eyelashes ... too bad it's not permanent, I think I can handle the routine though. It really doesn't cost that much when you factor in how long the bottle lasts.

[Laurie]

 I am glad you are feeling better Faith. What is this miracle grow you speak of? This question is brought to you from one that has to use mascara just to make their lashes visible at all. I also have to use brow pencil so my brows don't look too weird with my wig. I am a blond, so blond you can't see the grey you know has to be there.

[Faith]

.... What is this miracle grow you speak of? ....

I'm trying "Flash Eyelash Serum" as mentioned here in the forums somewhere. There are others. I opted to try the most recommended .. also has the highest price  On the plus side, it goes on thin, a little goes a long way. There is no question that my lashes are thicker and longer in just 2 weeks of nightly use.

[Laurie]

 Interesting.  Thank you Faith.

[Faith]

went for some blood work today all dolled up, full waiting room. There is no question that people watched me walk in and out. No faces made and no obvious expressions that I could read at all. I have no idea what they were thinking and .. I don't care   Very pleasant small talk with the ?nurse? Sorry, I have no idea what the proper title is for the people that work there.

My fingernails were obvious, silver/violet sparkle-tipped with shiny clear. My sis-in-law calls them ?nibblets?. Speaking of, pretty sure she knows but we didn't actually say it out loud. I'm counting her as my first 'out'. I plan om speaking to her tonight and making it official.

[KathyLauren]

Speaking of, pretty sure she knows but we didn't actually say it out loud. I'm counting her as my first 'out'. I plan om speaking to her tonight and making it official.

Good luck, Faith!   You've got this!

[Laurie]

 Hi Faith,

  It sounds like you may have found a good ally. One that may be a good resource for you once you do make the big reveal. btw that's a good thing.
  I know all about those full waiting rooms. The VA has lots of them. It is kind of funny. When I go for my therapy or pill pusher nurse appointments I almost never take a seat because there is usually a fair amount of people there. So I stand off to the side to wait. It is the only place I let it bother me. Why I really don't know. It isn't like I am hiding. Anyway I'm glad to see you didn't have any problem with it yourself. Good going, girl.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[Faith]

Hey all, I tail-spinned yesterday. We went shopping with the wife and grandchildren. The grandson needed new frames for his glasses. Those big mirrors kept staring at me and that dude in the glass kept laughing at and ridiculing me. I can handle most things but when mirrors start doing that I'm a goner. I sank lower and lower. I ended up in bed by 7:30 and didn't move until 6am this morning.

I went for a long walk, almost, it was freezing. I hurried back to the house but still couldn't shake it. I ended up in the corner of the dining room sitting on the floor hiding.

It was 10am by the time my wife found me. She was upset, I was upset. I hate making her upset. She even said that maybe she wasn't the right life-partner for me .. ACK!!  that woke me up. No way I could make it at all without her. I made it clear that I love her and that she is exactly what I need. It's me, not her, causing all this turmoil.

this afternoon, feeling much better. I don't know if crisis averted or just side-stepped but for now, I'll take it.



long story short - no phone call last night, I was sleeping.

[Jayne01]

Oh Faith, I am so sorry you had that experience. We are our own worst critics. I have been where you are and totally understand. I have put my wife through he same torment you have described. Seeing you happy is what will make her happy. Don't be so hard on yourself. You look amazing! I'm still not convinced your avatar is actually you. If it is you, then there is a mistake with your profile because that profile is for an older lady. Please be kind to yourself.

Jayne

[Faith]

the avatar is me, via faceapp  ... the 'young' filter. I'll never look like that, however, the wife said it did look like some of my younger photos. I am definitely much older than that and show it. Someday I'll post a current me pic. That hair is all mine though. The photo doesn't do it justice, my hair actually looks better than that. It's the one thing that I have going for me.

[Laurie]

Hi Faith,

  I'm sorry you had such a hard time yesterday and today. I know that desire to curl up in a corner and cry. I just posted about it last night in my thread and have told several friends about feeling like that. That feeling hit me  several times yesterday and many times in recent days past. I have yet to allow myself to actually do it ( some of that old macho BS still here) but I sure have wanted to. Instead I sit here and let the silent tears run down my cheeks. (((HUG))) for you Faith. Hang in there.

Hugs,
  Laurie

[Faith]

I can't get the tears to come out. Sometimes I think it'd be better if they did and flush it out of my system. There's still to much 'man' in me to just let it out. Learning to accept what I'll never be has to be one of my steps.

Laurie, The 'old' me would tell you that you look like you have so much going for you that I don't understand how you could have moments like that .. the new me understands all too well now.  We all need a central location where we can just have a huge hug-fest .. another thing I've never been good at, hugs, I feel the urge, and do, much more often now. That's a plus.

[Jayne01]

OMG Faith!!! I have heard of faceapp but had no idea what it did. I just downloaded it and used the young filter on myself and I saw a younger me. I played with some of the other filters. I used the Hollywood filter and realised that I am not a bad looking guy. That was a little sad, too bad inside me and outside me don't match. Sigh!!! But faceapp or not, you still look great!

I can't get the tears to come out. Sometimes I think it'd be better if they did and flush it out of my system. There's still to much 'man' in me to just let it out. Learning to accept what I'll never be has to be one of my steps.

Don't try to force the tears out, but if you are feeling the need to cry, don't try to stop them.

Jayne

[Laurie]

I can't get the tears to come out. Sometimes I think it'd be better if they did and flush it out of my system. There's still to much 'man' in me to just let it out.
  Faith, My problem with tears has always been my failure "as a man" to keep the tears in. Somehow they manage to silently leak out to run down my cheeks as they have been a lot recently. I will agree that I would probably feel better to just let them out and have a good sobbing gut wrenching bawl. But of course that "man" in me can't allow it.

Learning to accept what I'll never be has to be one of my steps.
This one young lady is just wrong. Neither you nor I will ever be the pretty women we would like to be but listen here lady. You and I will be are women

Laurie, The 'old' me would tell you that you look like you have so much going for you that I don't understand how you could have moments like that .. the new me understands all too well now.
It was something like the end of July or sometime in August while I was still riding high from my wonderful Road Trip That I was told I was heading for a fall and it was going to be a very hard time for me. I couldn't imagine it myself but here I am in the midst of it without an end in sight. I'm sorry for anyone who understand what I am going through atm. But  hopefully with the help of these pills, my therapist and all my friends here I will make it through this. But I sure as hell am not going to bet on it.
We all need a central location where we can just have a huge hug-fest .. another thing I've never been good at, hugs, I feel the urge, and do, much more often now. That's a plus.
I learned in AA many years ago that hugs are damn good things. You cannot give nor get enough hugs.

[Faith]

Learning to accept what I'll never be has to be one of my steps.
This one young lady is just wrong. Neither you nor I will ever be the pretty women we would like to be but listen here lady. You and I will be are women

Couldn't quote properly since you replied within a quote .. but you are so right. I think I can accept the 'never pretty' I've never thought of myself as good looking in any way already. What I want is to end up being able to look into the mirror and see ... me ... Right now I look and it's someone I don't know, masquerading. It's depressing.

And we're here for you just like you're here for us, bring it on, we'll share your burden.

Oh yeah, hugs, I love hugs now. Bring'em on 

On to another positive thought. Why oh why did I not buy an epilator years ago??!!??  These things are awesome! Once my skin adjusts to their use it'll be even better. I'm like seriously hairless now (well, barring a few tender bits). And stragglers are no problem, my wife attacks them . I feel so smooth ..