Faith's Progress

[Faith]

I forgot to add. It goes without saying that I am not 'out' at work. I just dress comfy. All my jeans are women's, My hair is a bit androgynous, leaning toward women's. Men's shirt, rather generic though. I wear a sweater (it's coooold!), a woman's sweater. I've been doing my nails in clear for weeks. Over the weekend, My wife and I tried some glitter (as I mentioned earlier). Her nails are full covered and mine are tipped. I did not clean them off for work. I am sitting here happily typing away in a male environment with glitter tipped fingernails.

I feel like a kid that thinks they're getting away with something 

[Sarah_P]

For the most part, people really don't notice your fingernails. One of my former co-workers would constantly comment on some of our patron's fingernails though.    I've had mine glossed for several months, and no one has said anything, or even looked at them askance. One of my lady friend's husband's nails are like SUPER glossy, and he doesn't do anything to them. I've even worn clear lip gloss & clear mascara at work, and no one has ever noticed.
I'm not sure if I could get away with women's jeans, though. I have worn them around town before, and no one seemed to notice that either, so maybe. I'm sitting at my desk most of the time, anyway.....

I feel like a kid that thinks they're getting away with something 

[Jayne01]

On to another positive thought. Why oh why did I not buy an epilator years ago??!!??  These things are awesome! Once my skin adjusts to their use it'll be even better. I'm like seriously hairless now (well, barring a few tender bits). And stragglers are no problem, my wife attacks them . I feel so smooth ..

Ouch! I bought an epilator a while back. I made the mistake of using it before ever shaving so it was long man hair. That brought tears to my eyes. I kept using it for a few months but found I kept getting ingrown hairs from it. Maybe I was doing something wrong, I don't know. I only shave now and the hormones have really slowed down the rate at which it grows back. I still have lots of red marks from the ingrown hairs but they are slowly starting to fade away. It does feel nice having that smooth feeling for an extended period using the epilator. Maybe I can give it another try now that the hormones have tamed my hair growth a bit.

Jayne

[Faith]

Ouch! I bought an epilator a while back. I made the mistake of using it before ever shaving so it was long man hair. That brought tears to my eyes. I kept using it for a few months but found I kept getting ingrown hairs from it. Maybe I was doing something wrong, I don't know. I only shave now and the hormones have really slowed down the rate at which it grows back. I still have lots of red marks from the ingrown hairs but they are slowly starting to fade away. It does feel nice having that smooth feeling for an extended period using the epilator. Maybe I can give it another try now that the hormones have tamed my hair growth a bit. Jayne

exfoliate and moisturize. I also use a cleaning treatment to ease any bumps that do occur. 'Tend Skin Care Solution'. As mentioned in the forums here somewhere. And definitely shorten any hairs!! I use a beard trimmer to knock any length off first. I cringed when I read that you tried it on long hair .. OWWW ...



Update:
Yesterday at work I was sitting and talking to a female coworker. One of the guys walked through and said "Hello, ladies .. I mean -insert name here-". Ok, I know he was joking, but it felt good anyway.

Did he do it due to my sweater? Did he notice my nails? No idea. It did lead to a conversation with my coworker.

her: "He just called you a girl"
me: "Maybe he finally realized that I'm not wearing an 'old-mans' sweater" (as he previously commented); "Or maybe he saw my nails" At which point, I showed her.
her: "Why are your nails done"
me: "I did my wife's nails, then mine. I like them so I kept them. I like having my nails done"
Which led into a brief exchange about nails and 'did I see some of the dagger-nail styles' *shudder" agreement there, don't like those.
conversation moved around to which it led to my mentioning the girls jeans I wear as well, that used to be my wife's.
her: "What? Are you sure they are girls jeans" ... yep, I'm sure
more conversation: she started looking up how jeans are zippered to tell. Nope, shirts are buttoned the other way, zippers are normal .. just typically shorter. I pointed out my girls shoes .. and socks (also hand-me-overs from my wife).
**at some point in the conversation she commented "are you trying to be a girl" Well, my face heated up but I didn't answer.**
her: "I don't want to know whose underwear you are wearing .... "
me: "Mine" 
her: " ... or what department you got them from."
me: "Not too far from where I got the nail polish"
conversation led back to work stuff.

It was really a pleasant conversation. No animosity at all. And now, she has had a chance to absorb some of the more obvious without me admitting anything. Should make things easier in the months to come. She's the person I most interact with daily (shared duties) so any tension would be bad.

On the home front. Candid conversation about eye-lashes. I wasn't specifically hiding, I just hadn't mentioned the growth serum or mascara. Now she knows. I used to have better lashes naturally, I don't know what happened. Anyway, showed her the bottle and how I apply it. No big deal.  I did point out that the mascara is very old and that we need buy some.

During this she looked at my eyebrows .. ?you plucked your brows? .. yep, a little. pointed out the areas where it over grows .. now gone ... which led to a conversation about the brow line difference for men and women, and forehead shape. It may lead to easier FFS conversation in years to come, that is way down the road - if ever. Facial hair first !!

That's pretty much it for an update, oh, I'm holding steady at 175lbs now .. I have to start working extra hard to get more off. My 'young' weight was 160 before I puffed up. Why don't we have little air valves where we can just let out a little bit? 

.. Oh, one more one more thing ..
Had to return a corset, they sent a medium. That'll depress you, trying to wrap one of those around you when completely loose and it still won't fit. ARRGH .. that's when I noticed the size mistake .. whew!  Free return so back it went. Got the replacement (L). It's a tight squeeze but better, with room for me to shrink. I wear it when sleeping. I don't have enough day hours to do it. The waist looks pretty good when I first take it off. Time will tell on effectiveness. Between that and exercise it should make a difference.

[KathyLauren]

I am not sure I like your new avatar.  And I don't believe the caption.

[natalie.ashlyne]

I am not sure I like your new avatar.  And I don't believe the caption.

I totally agree with you Kathy I liked the avatar before,  So Faith can you please put the one you had up before? I will thank you in advance

[Jayne01]

I am not sure I like your new avatar.  And I don't believe the caption.

Hey! I didn't notice you changed it. I agree with Kathy, the caption is a blatant lie. Please put the previous picture back. I liked that one.

[natalie.ashlyne]

Hey! I didn't notice you changed it. I agree with Kathy, the caption is a blatant lie. Please put the previous picture back. I liked that one.

Well Faith now you got 3 people that like the one before better so I think you have to put it up please pretty please.

[Laurie]

I am not sure I like your new avatar.  And I don't believe the caption.

  I'm also climbing up on that band wagon. And Kathy has it right on the caption also.

As far as your post goes it was an interest conversation and I am sure you let her know where you are heading with the accouterments. Your secret is out at least to her. Working with your wife is going to be very important for your relationship. Try not to push too far too fast. There is time.

Hugs,
  Laurie

[Faith]

I am so sorry to have worked things up. I really, really, appreciate the concern and I have removed that blacked-out avatar. I cannot, however, put the other one back .. it was a lie, a wish, a dream, an impossibility.

The avatar I had, I liked, it was me but 'faceapped' into a younger more feminine looking man. Unfortunately, it was being equated it with me, as I am, not me, on the inside. You know what I mean. So the more I saw it and read comments the more I hated it and had to remove it.

The blacked out avatar fit my 'image of me' mood. I am not an ugly 'man' and it would be great if that was enough, it's not. We have one mirror in the house for shaving (unfortunately) and hair tending. If it wasn't for that, that mirror would be gone as well. I simply cannot spend time near a mirror.

I do feel better now, I got home from work to have a late lunch with my wife before she went back to work. She always brightens my mood. I just got from my hour long nature walk, energy burned, ready to TV vegetating.

I can't say how much it means to have people care enough to check in on me and, well really, set me straight. Don't stop, please ..

Faith

[natalie.ashlyne]

I am so sorry to have worked things up. I really, really, appreciate the concern and I have removed that blacked-out avatar. I cannot, however, put the other one back .. it was a lie, a wish, a dream, an impossibility.

The avatar I had, I liked, it was me but 'faceapped' into a younger more feminine looking man. Unfortunately, it was being equated it with me, as I am, not me, on the inside. You know what I mean. So the more I saw it and read comments the more I hated it and had to remove it.

The blacked out avatar fit my 'image of me' mood. I am not an ugly 'man' and it would be great if that was enough, it's not. We have one mirror in the house for shaving (unfortunately) and hair tending. If it wasn't for that, that mirror would be gone as well. I simply cannot spend time near a mirror.

I do feel better now, I got home from work to have a late lunch with my wife before she went back to work. She always brightens my mood. I just got from my hour long nature walk, energy burned, ready to TV vegetating.

I can't say how much it means to have people care enough to check in on me and, well really, set me straight. Don't stop, please ..

Faith

Hi Faith i want to say thank you for taking down the black avatar. I am sorry that my comment on the fabulous  tread made you take down your other  avatar.  I dont think you using face app is a lie, models and actresses actors all use photo shop all pics are retouched over and over again. And it is proven when you are happy you look younger. And in that pic you looked happy. People use make up to look better prettier sexier younger so there is nothing wrong with using that.  No body is perfect every one has flaws. If that avatar dream you are aloud to dream and you are aloud to achieve your dreams. Every day you get a step closer and sooner or later you will be there

[Laurie]

  Faith,

  "Don't be so hard on yourself."
  "Give yourself a break."
  "Quit beating yourself up."
  "You really like doing a number on yourself don't you?"
  "You are your own worst enemy"

   I put those sentences in quotes for a reason. They are not mine. They are words I have heard so many times that they are becoming synonymous with "Laurie".  They all apply to me perfectly. I cannot deny it. But I don't own them. They apply to many of us here and you my dear, are one of them.
  You hate the way you look because it doesn't measure up to what you would like to look like. If you could see and accept the beautiful caring person we see in your posts perhaps you would feel better about yourself. So many women feel they don't look good enough or believe themselves to be ugly when in fact they are seen as beautiful people not for their looks but for their hearts. We haven't see you so we cannot see you as anything except the kind hearted lady that you are. I doubt that anyone here would think otherwise of you no matter what you look like. I know I don't trust your opinion of yourself, why should you?
  Me? Well, I just hate myself for who and what I think I am and the harm and ruin I feel I've done to those I love. How this old broad wannabe looks is the least of my concerns. I cannot seem to accept that I am not that horrible person I think I am. If I could just do that I could be okay and at peace with myself.
  I'm not trying to make little of your fears and thoughts because I know it isn't that easy. If it was I wouldn't be in this damn depression. But try to listen to those sentences at the top and try to give yourself a break. I'd suggest trying a nice hair style and  a good makeup application and then a quick look in the mirror to see if you like it. If your wife is willing let her show you how. Make your look be a joint effort. Who knows you may find a look you like and be done with this self loathing you have. It's worth trying.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[Faith]

Natalie, don't blame yourself, it's all on me. I was feeling it way before your comment. You just had the bad timing of being the last person to comment before my mood darkened. And no matter what anyone says I will always envy the looks that some people have, you just happen to be one of 'them ... that's a good thing!! 

Laurie, I know the words and have used some of them, even to myself. They do mean more coming from someone else, when I say them they are just empty words. Occasionally they help, most of the time they're just words. Plus, you need to take some of what you said to me and apply it to yourself. I've read quite a bit of the things you've posted to others so horrible you are not. We all cause distress to loved ones in one manner or another, it's the loved ones that always take the brunt of things. Strangers don't care, or we don't care what they think, that's just the way it is.

Makeup? No help from my wife. She doesn't use makeup and is as clueless as I am on what to do with the stuff. I can barely do mascara w/o sticking myself in the eye. (note: lashes getting longer still .. woooo .. nothing on the lower lashes yet )

Hair I can do, I have lots of hair. My wife braided it the other day and I had some nice curled stragglers down around the ears.  Between that and the bangs it made a very soft, more feminine. A look that didn't look too ridiculous on me.

In any case, today is a new day. I have a Dr appointment this afternoon. While I don't expect immediate HRT progress, I do hope to get a positive step towards it.

I promise to get a 'current me' avatar up as soon as I get a picture that I like ... it may take a while. No more pictures that lie.

[Faith]

Sorry if I scared anyone away

on to my day. Normal work stuff until .. leave early for the DR visit.

1st, no HRT. For some reason the DR wants to do things the right way, proper blood work and baselines and all that jazz. doesn't that just figure

2nd, very nice DR. Young, but not too young. Personable, ask questions, listens to the answers. Not afraid to speak up on ways and means and whys. Prods for answers without pushing. LISTENS to the answers .. did I say that already?

I ended up sitting there in shaky cold sweats baring my sole, it was HARD. I did get to see his face quickly hide a shocked expression when, at one point, I said, "Let me say one thing bluntly. If I woke up tomorrow with no penis it wouldn't faze me at all". If I wasn't so nervous I would have laughed .. oh wait, I did. A bunch of times. Did I mention I was nervous? I'm still repeating myself.

At the end of a very thorough talk and he was done, I looked at him and asked, "Would you feel more comfortable if I talked to a gender therapist as well?"  Yep, I saw relief. Absolutely he would feel better getting reports (which I'll make freely available to him). Now to find a good one locally.

back later .... walk time

[natalie.ashlyne]

Hi Faith I am glad you are feeling better, and I am very happy that you will be posting a new avatar when you feel comfortable I look forward to seeing the real you.   I am also truly honored that you envy me I really don't see what you see in me I really don't think I am that special. I use a crap ton of makeup. I think we all feel that way from time to time. I am happy that you are on your way to find the gender therapist, and you will get there soon. If you ever want to talk just p.m. me and i will respond to you as soon as i can.

[Laurie]

   Well Faith, It sounds like you have a pretty good doctor visit. Let me tell you I was as nervous as you if not more when I confessed to my GP that I had been taking HRT on my own for 5 weeks prior to telling him I was trans. Like yours, my doctor is a bit younger than I. I wouldn't even tell the nurse any more than a yes and I would rather tell the doctor when she asked if there were any changes to my medications. I would describe the encounter much as your with the exception of finding out my doctor was familiar with treating trans gender folk and qualified by the VA to prescribe HRT medication and ask if I wanted to get mine through the VA. He also asked if I wanted to talk to a therapist about being trans and got that ball rolling when I said, yes. I came to Susan's and started a thread called "Here I Go Again" where i sought moral support to do what I had been contemplating to do. That was the start of my participation here.
  As far as myself needing to practice what I preached, you will get no argument on that need from me. I said as much in the post. Like you I encounter difficulty in listening to the advice too. Especially when I'm in a bad way. I am no different than you with the exception of being older. I face struggles that seem insurmountable too. But if I allow it, I know I can get better at accepting help from others and then maybe I can beat this depression and the self loathing I reserve for myself. My main problem will be to convince myself that I want to. That is still my biggest hurdle.
   You are doing what you should by being honest with your doctor and I hope you do the same when you talk to a therapist.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[Faith]

Laurie, it was an exceptional DR visit. I couldn't describe it well. Dr pulled the pieces together despite my nervous ramblings. I think I offended him a bit trying to express my feelings on hormone treatments. He made sure to point out that he had extensively studied it. Ahh, the insecurity of youth, I remember it well. Wait, I'm still insecure ... ignore that comment. Still, I came away with a very good feeling. He may still recommend me to an endo. I prefer staying under one roof but I'll go with what's best.

Oh, and Laurie, maybe we should take all the things you are telling others to get their heads straight and post in into your thread .. we'll force feed it to you until you swallow it

Natalie, I don't see excessive makeup in the pics, I just see a very pretty girl. I'd have to brown-bag my head first and then paint it up. Now THAT would be excessive ... I'm kidding, really any bag would do, it doesn't have to be brown ....

[Faith]

Why do I forget so many things that I want to share?

After the DR we went shopping (we should stop, we spend too much money when we go together). Armloads of nifty things, had to wean it down to a more comfortable unaffordable level .. there goes the budget- again.

It's been cold on walks, I've been wearing my work sweater that makes me sweat while walking. Can't have that, I don't want to wash it that often. So, a nice jacket that buttons up into a turtleneck. No idea what the style is called. I just know it looks nice and it's warm without being hot.

Another pair of jeans, higher waist to help keep them from falling down my skinny butt. VERY comfortable.

On to the two things specific to this post.
Night clothes. A nice loose pink pair of jammie bottoms. They suit me (and set off my pink toes) love'm. AND a top to go with it. Now, the top is mid thigh length like a dress, short nightgown?  Anyways, a little small up top so if I ever get boobs it won't fit. My wife will steal it at that point. The reason for bringing it up? Well as soon as I put it on my wife went: WOW, that looks great, you could really pull off wearing a dress like that. Made my night (I'm really trying to just accept her opinion rather than believing any mirrors)

Ruffled blouse. OK, my wife and I were never into ruffles. I saw this one and something clicked, and it fit. I bought it specifically to wear when I take my upcoming avatar picture. So, this blouse is for you

I need to stop typing. I don't need to pollute my own thread with everything that I do or discover in a day. Let's just sum it up with: I really feel good today, I hope it sticks around.

[KathyLauren]

I am glad to hear it was a good day, Faith.  Nothing like a bit of retail therapy.  I tend to blow the budget when I go shopping with my wife, too, but damn, I look good!  I bet you do too.

[Laurie]

 Hi Faith,

  Don't you know it isn't fair play to use my own words against me?
  It's cool both you and your wife like shopping therapy. I don't practice it myself because I don't really need to find an excuse to but me something.
  But it does remind me of the "Leonard" guy I haven't seen around here for awhile. Now that guy used any and every excuse he could find to go buy tools. Get angry about nothing- go buy tools, upset- go buy tools. Need one deep socket- go by a set. He's left them all with me. there are 3 tool boxes of tools now mostly mechanics tools. Enough to tear an engine down and reassemble it with new rings and bearings and then some. I ask you doesn't every lady need a torque wench?
  Enjoy you new purchases, Faith.

Hugs,
  Laurie