Faith's Progress

[Jayne01]

Really, from my wife being uncomfortable about me & makeup to today helping me and enjoying it  ... not to mention SHE bought the brow plumper for me (she thought it was for eye lashes) .. that was as important as a day out, more so I think.

That is fantastic Faith. Please tell your wife that I think she is awesome for being there for you the way she is.

Funny moment:
Sitting at the table, 5 women, one guy, and me .. I poked (prodded? elbowed?) my wife and said, "Did you notice that I'm the only one sitting here with their nails done?" Nice pretty sparkly gold tips. Hey, it's Christmas!! I was going to put a tree on one nail. I didn't want to mess it up, I was short on time.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but if I've done my math correctly, that would be 6 women and 1 guy at the table, right?

I am very happy for you Faith.

Jayne

[Faith]

Correct me if I'm wrong, but if I've done my math correctly, that would be 6 women and 1 guy at the table, right?
Jayne

well, that's a head full of jumbled up thoughts. I have yet to come out and say 'I'm a woman', even to myself. I do not think of myself as a 'man'. I do think .. no, I know .. that my (let's keep it simple) body is wrong. There is no question in my mind about changing that.

I chose F in my profile because M is wrong and the ? was too ambiguous. Most definitely heavy leaning F. I feel most relaxed and happy. Full admission, even typing this out as I am, I just can't do it.

I do not have any issues with he/she/they pronouns. I've never liked my given name, due to gender or just don't like it? no idea. I much prefer Faith (thanks Devlyn). As it stands now, I don't care what my wife calls me as long as she's by my side. She can call me whatever is comfortable for her.

I don't feel that I was presenting male or female at dinner, I just happened to be on all woman's clothes. I was still identified as male, although I was called hippie a couple times for long hair .. really? hippy in this day and age?

I'm confusing myself, I feel like I'm standing at the edge of a cliff looking down with no bottom in sight through the mist.

Why can't I just be ME.

[krobinson103]

well, that's a head full of jumbled up thoughts. I have yet to come out and say 'I'm a woman', even to myself. I do not think of myself as a 'man'. I do think .. no, I know .. that my (let's keep it simple) body is wrong. There is no question in my mind about changing that.

I chose F in my profile because M is wrong and the ? was too ambiguous. Most definitely heavy leaning F. I feel most relaxed and happy. Full admission, even typing this out as I am, I just can't do it.

I do not have any issues with he/she/they pronouns. I've never liked my given name, due to gender or just don't like it? no idea. I much prefer Faith (thanks Devlyn). As it stands now, I don't care what my wife calls me as long as she's by my side. She can call me whatever is comfortable for her.

I don't feel that I was presenting male or female at dinner, I just happened to be on all woman's clothes. I was still identified as male, although I was called hippie a couple times for long hair .. really? hippy in this day and age?

I'm confusing myself, I feel like I'm standing at the edge of a cliff looking down with no bottom in sight through the mist.

Why can't I just be ME.

Thats a question that I ask myself often. Thing is I need to give it a bit more time to see who me really is. Its not a sudden switch, but an evolution. I know at this point I wouldn't pass as a Women more than 60% of the time so I figure I'll give it time. This benefits the family (who need time) and my work for the moment. I think as for anything give yourself time to ponder the reality of it all and don't try to jump in the deep end till you are really ready.

Its still very frustrating though...

[Jayne01]

Hi Faith,

I just sent you a PM.

well, that's a head full of jumbled up thoughts. I have yet to come out and say 'I'm a woman', even to myself. I do not think of myself as a 'man'. I do think .. no, I know .. that my (let's keep it simple) body is wrong. There is no question in my mind about changing that.

Please accept my sincerest apology. I misunderstood and thought you identified as a woman. If you identify somewhere else on the spectrum or don't feel like you are in the spectrum at all, that is fine. If you are still uncertain and trying to find your way, that is fine too. To me you are just Faith, a lovely person.

I chose F in my profile because M is wrong and the ? was too ambiguous. Most definitely heavy leaning F. I feel most relaxed and happy. Full admission, even typing this out as I am, I just can't do it.

That is ok. No pressure, whatever you feel most comfortable with right now is right for you.

I do not have any issues with he/she/they pronouns. I've never liked my given name, due to gender or just don't like it? no idea. I much prefer Faith (thanks Devlyn). As it stands now, I don't care what my wife calls me as long as she's by my side. She can call me whatever is comfortable for her.

I can relate with you. I don't care what my wife calls me, she gets special privileges to call me whatever feels easiest for her.

I don't feel that I was presenting male or female at dinner, I just happened to be on all woman's clothes. I was still identified as male, although I was called hippie a couple times for long hair .. really? hippy in this day and age?

It is not a requirement to fit into any gender. It is just as valid to be no gender at all if that is how you feel. Maybe you are bringing back the hippie with a modern twist to it. [emoji12]

I'm confusing myself, I feel like I'm standing at the edge of a cliff looking down with no bottom in sight through the mist.

Why can't I just be ME.

You are YOU. You will always be YOU. I made an assumption and placed a label on you which doesn't seem to currently fit you. That was my mistake. I will try and learn from that and not repeat it. You are awesome as YOU, no matter what label, if any, you choose to use.

Jayne

[Faith]

Well, I can't re-reply to each thing so I'll just paste in what I PM'd back to you:


You have nothing to be sorry about. Sure, your comment triggered something and I ended up, well, saying what I did. That's OK. It gets it out into the open. Clearly (or not so clearly) I have things to work through. Never feel that you have to guard a reply 'just in case'.

I'm fine really, I'm not even in a bad mood. I am disgruntled about being at work when I want to be home, but that's every day

Feel free to post your comments and opinions any time that you want to.

That really goes for everyone. Ok, within reason and confines of Susans TOS

If we don't touch a nerve now and again then we aren't trying hard enough to help each other.

[Faith]

Moodiness .. lots of it. I am not on any HRT or drugs to account for it. I bounce between feeling good, spring in my step, it's a bright day to wanting to just put my head down and wait for the rain to start.

I keep feeling like taking my blouses, tossing them in a corner and only wearing my dingy unassuming guy shirts. One moment is 'I feel good dressed like this' to the next of 'who am I kidding, I look ridiculous'

I don't feel like a guy, I don't feel like a girl. I'm stuck in an undefinable limbo of confusion and doubt. Right now I'm at work and I can't do any. I'm staring at my computer like it's some alien object with no idea what to do with it.

Absolutely the only thing I am certain of ... my body is wrong.  I cannot, at all, go without tucking for even a few minutes. Bathroom breaks and showers are exercises in will power. You can't avoid them, I don't want to do them. I need to stay covered as much as possible. MIRRORS!!! Why are there mirrors everywhere. I want to cry but nothing comes out. I just sit here stoned faced and miserable.

I read topics here and think, I can relate to that, I can help .. and nothing comes out. I go to type and it's all negativity. How can I hope to help someone else when I can't even help myself. When I do manage a reply to something it's seems to be unrelated to the topic or unhelpful or a failed attempt at humor or all of the above.

I am sitting here all alone in a room full of people.

I'm hitting POST now, it's better than delete and I need to get it out. I am sorry to those of you who read this, I don't mean to dump on you .. or I do, I don't know ...

[steph2.0]

Faith, don't ever hesitate to "dump." Why do you think we're here?

And I'll play Captain Obvious and repeat what you probably ready know, but what can't be said too often: every single one of us has been where you are now, and it really really does get better. I know it's easy to understand intellectually, but not so much emotionally - but it's true nevertheless.

I don't have any magic to help, other than advise you to just keep plowing through the day, and those brighter times will be back.

Here's a (((HUG)))

Stephanie

[KathyLauren]

Hun, I'm sorry that the road is rocky for you.  Feel free to vent any time you need.

I found being me part-time to be very frustrating and dysphoric.  Knowing that it could be better, but that I couldn't get there yet.  What kept me going was making progress: going to the support group, doing therapy, getting my HRT letter, making the doctor appointments, coming out to selected friends and family.  And then finally making my plans and setting a date to go full-time.  Any chance I could, I did something just so I knew I wasn't stuck.

[Sarah_P]

I know exactly how you feel. I'm only part-time now, and the times when I'm Sarah are the only times I feel truly alive. The rest is usually like slogging my way through a swamp. I've found myself staring blankly at my computer, too.

Kathy & Stephanie have it right - you just keep making steps forward. Sometimes it feels like it takes forever, but things really will get better.

[Laurie]

Hi Faith,

   

I read topics here and think, I can relate to that, I can help .. and nothing comes out. I go to type and it's all negativity. How can I hope to help someone else when I can't even help myself. When I do manage a reply to something it's seems to be unrelated to the topic or unhelpful or a failed attempt at humor or all of the above.

   I could swear I wrote that myself. Especially that negativity part. I still find it creep into my posts. In fact, I remember one such occurrence recently. And what did you do?
   This time it's your words, but I could have written them. This time is is you who feels like crap. This time it's me that is reaching out to you. Faith, you are not alone in this. You are never alone here at Susan's. There are plenty of us that have felt as you are feeling and you know that I am one of them. You reached out to me, offering your help to me. Now it's my turn to reach out to you. You are welcome to PM me, instant message, email, skype , or call me. Just let me know what you would prefer and we will do it. And not only me, you have many friends here that will do the same.
   Perhaps you need some of these happy pills. Sorry, but you'll need to get some of your own. That my friend is something else that may help along with your therapy sessions. It is hard at these times but there is hope for you. You can overcome this excursion into the doldrums. I have Faith in you.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[Faith]

Thanks everyone. I'm still feeling down, but better. You all did manage to get me to tear up .. no drops though, I'm still choking them in - not on purpose.

Progress
My first Therapist appointment is on the 26th ... wish me luck.

[Faith]

Laurie (and Steph, and Kathy, and Sarah, and Jayne, and .. the list is long),  I get help just be reading through your own postings. I do not reach out for help very well, I'm just no good at unloading onto others. Baring my soul doesn't come easy for me and this is about as bare as you can get. Nakedness does not become me.

[Jayne01]

Faith, I am sorry you are feeling down but it's good to hear your a little better. I would have replied sooner but I was asleep. These different time zones can be inconvenient at times.

Everyone else has already said what I would like to say, so rather than repeat, I say to re-read their posts and know that those words are also coming from me. Don't ever feel like you need to apologise for dumping. We are all here for the same reason, to support each other through good times and bad.

I can understand how you are feeling. I am unable to be Jayne, even part time, in the real world. I owned a few items of women's clothes in the past. One pair of jeans, one top and a pair of boots and a small over the shoulder bag. It was all kind of androgynous on the feminine side if that makes sense. I liked the look and felt good wearing this one outfit, but it caused a huge disconnect within me. It was too much for me to handle switching between John and Jayne. So I got rid of the clothes, gave them to charity. It was way too confusing knowing I'm not a man, not thinking I'm a woman either and definitely not identifying as non-binary. I didn't know where I fit in.

My transition is not following any logical order, but it is right for me. I started hormones before I even acknowledged that I am trans let alone identify as a woman. I had to take a leap of Faith and trust that my therapist knew me better than I knew myself. It wasn't until I started seeing physical changes from the HRT that I could accept and know who I am.

I've been talking a lot about myself, it's how I relate and get my point across. Sorry about that. What I'm trying to say is that you are not alone with how you are feeling. I have felt how you are feeling, as have most of us here and can tell you it gets better.

I didn't realise this will be your first therapist appointment. You are doing so much better than I was before I started therapy. I hope the therapist is a good fit for you and that they can help you find your way. Good luck with your first session.

Send me a PM anytime if you wish to chat in private.

Jayne

[Faith]

Jayne, I know we're hours apart, no worries there. Although, you could make the effort to stay up once in a while to make a more timely appearance .. just kidding.

I caught up in your thread, I don't have much to say there. Just keep your head up and move forward .. and try not to hit your boobs.

For me, Today is starting out well. I'm in a good mood, more upbeat. Tired. I was out playing music last night and didn't get home until after 10. It was after 11 before bed .. arrghh, I'm too old for that. My bedtime is at 10 after relaxing for an hour.

I'm kind of in a hold pattern, therapy in a week, baseline blood test in a week, follow-up Dr visit in 3 weeks, then we'll see. Bit of a struggle staying positive, I go through bouts of 'am I doing the right thing' and 'I look like crap'. Ah well, each day is a new day. Maybe I'll get all prettied up tonight for when the wife gets home.

Weight is still holding around 170, even after a binge meal on Sunday. BEEF, ugh, We both learned that we've been on this diet long enough not to re-introduce beef even for one meal. We don't miss it so that is off the table (literally ). At least 20 lbs more to go before I can think about re-introducing some of my favorites that'll put a little weight back on.

Therapy, I am not one that is comfortable with talking to others about my problems. I've always held it in and worked it out on my own, for better or worse. Recently, since the whole 'coming out' thing, I've been talking with my Wife more and more, trying to tell her anything and everything, even if it's repetitious. To have that and to have her listen means more than any therapist, in my mind ... um, yeah, in my mind

My hope is that therapy will be less about digging out more issues and more about confirmation and settling any uneasiness between the Wife and I about what's been going on. She's doing well but maybe something is lurking that therapy will draw out. Oh, and for the Dr. so he has a therapist note to feel better about when (not if) we move forward.

I still don't feel girly, nor do I feel manly. Maybe that'll be my norm. I have a preference for feminine things right now, it's just doesn't make me feel girly. It just makes me feel comfortable. You know what I mean?

So, there you go, a morning ramble.

Have a glorious day Everyone,
Faith

[Jayne01]

Jayne, I know we're hours apart, no worries there. Although, you could make the effort to stay up once in a while to make a more timely appearance .. just kidding.

Is this timely enough. I'm up, currently 2am here. (I'm working a nightshift though, is that cheating?)

.. and try not to hit your boobs.

How cool! Someone other than me has mentioned my boobs. That felt surprisingly good to read that. It was very affirming. You have put a smile on my face that won't seem to go away. Thank you! [emoji16]

For me, Today is starting out well. I'm in a good mood, more upbeat......

It's good to hear you're in a good mood. Try not to stress too much about therapy. I used to be very much like you, not wanting to talk to others about my problems. Therapy is all about you. The therapist will not make you talk about anything you are not comfortable with. I found I was very guarded with what I said early on, but with each session I became more and more comfortable talking about whatever I felt like. Now I am able to tell my therapist absolutely anything. I even made her blush once. She went all red and was a little embarrassed when I casually pointed down at my boy bits and said something about "chopping it off". My actions and the way I said it caught her totally by surprise. We both had a good laugh at that.

It is awesome that you are able to openly talk with your wife about this stuff.

I still don't feel girly, nor do I feel manly. Maybe that'll be my norm. I have a preference for feminine things right now, it's just doesn't make me feel girly. It just makes me feel comfortable. You know what I mean?

Feeling comfortable is good. That's what we're all aiming for. You don't need to be manly or girly, just feel comfortable as YOU. No particular label needs to be attached.

I hope it goes well with the therapist.

Take care,
Jayne

[Faith]

Is this timely enough. I'm up, currently 2am here. (I'm working a nightshift though, is that cheating?)

So you're .. 15ish hrs ahead? Nah, not cheating .. you'll just have to work all night shifts 

How cool! Someone other than me has mentioned my boobs.

boobs (.)(.), wait, trans ... (. )( .)
(is that a breach of TOS?)

...I even made her blush once. She went all red and was a little embarrassed when I casually pointed down at my boy bits and said something about "chopping it off". My actions and the way I said it caught her totally by surprise. We both had a good laugh at that.

That was close to my Drs. reaction, no blush though.

It is awesome that you are able to openly talk with your wife about this stuff.

It really takes a load off. I do try to gauge it so that she doesn't get overloaded.

[Faith]

Well, yesterday's 'surprise the wife at the door all prettied up' was a bust. Not due to the wife. I was all set to greet her, the dogs started making their welcoming noises, I looked out the window and .... my daughter and son-in-law. 

Ok, so they know I'm going through stuff, not the full extent, I don't think. In any case, I just couldn't bring myself to let them in as-is. I made a mad dash to the bedroom and changed really quickly into something more androgynous .. whew .. situation averted, big disappointment. My wife was all like, AWWW, when I told her my plan that failed. Some other day, I guess.

Up-note, did some online sale window shopping with her, ended up ordering 3 tops, I hope they turn out to be worth it. That led to my wife, after her shower, digging into the closet for a top she purchased, FOR ME, for Christmas and gave it to me. AWESOME, nice fitting top (be better when it has a couple boobs in it instead of one big boob). I loved it.  Gave me all kinds of heart tugs and belly flops (which led to some things that I'll not discuss, use your imagination)

I did ask her why she didn't wrap it and wait ... and .. she repeated some of my own words back at me from years ago. "Clothes are not for Christmas, clothes are bought for everyday, when needed, not as a present" ARRGGHH!! No No, not what I meant. Necessary day clothes are bought as needed, not as presents. It is perfectly fine to get a nice outfit as a present. I would have so loved to unwrap it with my children there and put it on.

I still feel good about it. It means that she is looking at things, feminine things, that she likes and thinks will look good on me (which it does ) .. woooo ...

On to this morning. I did my eye makeup. I am not very good, took me so long the my Wife was going to come check on me (in case I died on the toilet, I guess). It passed her inspection, not perfect. She did agree that it brought out my eyes. I am sitting here at work with more makeup on then ever waiting for someone to comment, my belly is twisted just a little.

I will probably cop out and just say that my wife is practicing on me   

So that brings us to now .. more good later, I hope.

[Jayne01]

Bummer the "surprise" didn't go as planned. At least she appreciated the thought when you told her. It is so nice of her that she bought a top for you as a gift, also the way she gives you constructive feedback with your makeup.

Hope your belly doesn't get too twisted up while you're at work. Glad to see things are currently going well for you.

Jayne

[Laurie]

  Faith,

  I'll agree with Jayne. It is sad your surprise didn't go the way you had hope but I can tell you I know that panic well when someone comes to the door when you are all dolled up. I had many years of it but the worst one was when my ex let the police in to escort my from my home. They did allow me enough time for a quick change and to pack one bag. That began my first period of living in my car while still trying to hold down my job. Wonderful memories right? I am glad your misadventure turned out so well for you... and for your wife.

Hugs,
  Laurie

[Faith]

Laurie, Jayne, thanks. No, the evening didn't go as planned, it did end up better than I had planned though, just different I'm still riding high and feeling good.

Panic at sudden door knocks or no knocks since none of my family knock when they show up, they just barge in. It's worse with family. Delivery people (who do knock) see what they see, too bad for them

Laurie, I feel bad for your hardships and at the same time feel blessed that I don't have it as bad .. now I feel guilty for feeling that way and having it, relatively, easy compared to others. I have my downs, and severe downs, thinking it over I really have more ups. Considering the short time since admitting things to myself I am amazed at how far I've come.

I really thank all of you for being here and literally putting your private life out here for others to relate to and commiserate with.